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I think I might be becoming addicted and I'm scared.

S

sassafrass

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 14, 2013
Messages
9
Last year I believe I came really close to addiction, I was taking oxycontin every day and when I stopped I had light withdrawals and cravings for months. I wasnt planning on trying heroin but now I love it. I don't think I'm actually an addict though, YET, the main reason being that my problems aren't bad enough. because I haven't been doing them consistently for as long as some of you guys. So I feel like an idiot for calling myself an addict when I've only been doing heroin for 3 weeks or so.

So I've been shooting heroin for about 3 weeks, anywhere from 1 to 3 times a day. I have about enough left for a week or so, and I don't plan on buying more because I don't want to be addicted. I look forward to my shooting up every day and it's just a recreational activity, something I enjoy. I'm scared though, that I might be becoming addicted. The way I think about it is changing. I can't imagine my say without my morning shot, or my evening shot, or my after-lunch shot. My priorities are changing. I've started skipping my workouts, something I used to love, because I just want to go home and get high.

I'm trying to convince myself not to buy any more. I really really want more. But I KNOW I shouldn't. But I really want to, and to be honest I'm kind of scared to stop. I'm heading to college in 8 days, and I really hope that I have enough for 8 days because I don't want to go into withdrawal at home, it would raise questions with my parents and if they found out they wouldn't pay $6,000 for my college.

I haven't even thought about stopping, I don't want to stop, but I don't want it to get out of control. Addiction runs in my family big time, every single one of my aunts and uncles is either a drug addict or an alcoholic, and I've been messing with opiates since I was 13, I was charged with 2 felonies when I was 14, and I've been abusing opiates on and off since then. so I think I might be in trouble here. I'm scared of what's happening and what's going to happen.

I don't really know what I'm looking for with this post, I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.
 
2 weeks ago, I was in your position. I had a codeine habit and never intended to try H. But I did, and it was bad.

sassafrass said:
I don't think I'm actually an addict though, YET, the main reason being that my problems aren't bad enough. because I haven't been doing them consistently for as long as some of you guys. So I feel like an idiot for calling myself an addict when I've only been doing heroin for 3 weeks or so.
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I kind of feel the same way, which is why I don't really mention that I'm in recovery for it, but an addiction is an addiction, no matter how long it's been happening. At what point would you consider it acceptable to call yourself an addict? I was only using H for a short period too, but I knew pretty quickly that I was in trouble with it.

So I've been shooting heroin for about 3 weeks, anywhere from 1 to 3 times a day. I have about enough left for a week or so, and I don't plan on buying more because I don't want to be addicted. I look forward to my shooting up every day and it's just a recreational activity, something I enjoy. I'm scared though, that I might be becoming addicted. The way I think about it is changing. I can't imagine my say without my morning shot, or my evening shot, or my after-lunch shot. My priorities are changing. I've started skipping my workouts, something I used to love, because I just want to go home and get high.
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You can already see the signs yourself that you're in deep. Now you have to decide whether to sink or swim. I know it's hard, and it feels silly because it's only been a short period, but you already know that you have a problem with it.
 
You are so lucky you are realizing this so soon. You might as well just consider yourself an opiate addict cause of the oxy + heroin. You might be able to nip this in the bud with minimal issues. Get help ASAP. Colleges offer a ton of therapy for addiction, it might be a good place to detox. Just make sure to go to class.
 
you are already in trouble deep.this drug takes everyone prisoner.
be really careful.
at 3 weeks it's a breeze,wait 3 more and hell should start to materialize.
 
It's like a war in my head. There's like two halves of me.

One half of me is saying just stop now. I know I shouldn't be doing this, especially because of my long history, but also because I'm a college athlete and I'm moving in in a week and I need to have my shit together. I want a life, I have goals, I've got shit to do. I don't want to be on heroin.

The other half of me, the one that seems to be making the decisions right now, is saying just fuck all of that because heroin is that good. I want more. All the time, right at that very instant. I get anxiety when I think of not having it. I plan my day around when I can shoot up. the minute the rush wears off I'm looking forward to my next one.

I don't know what to do. I know I have to stop but I don't know how or what to do about it.

@black rabbit I don't know when I would consider myself an addict, maybe after a year or so. I've been doing oxycodone on and off since I was 13 but ive managed to keep myself from becoming addicted, i don't know if that's the case this time... At this point I'm just really fucking thankful I have so much of it, enough to last me a week or more. I now I should stop right now, I know I should flush it down the toilet. But its so easy to find excuses to keep doing it.
 
Sounds like your at a fork in the road. If you follow the H path you will lose college and prolly your only chance at a decent career. The H path will take you to dark places as well as jail.

The other path puts you in school well on your way to making something of your self.

This is where you choose. You will have WD's from what you've been doing but I think they will not be as bad if you stop today instead of next week.

Good luck, don't throw your future away.
 
If i were you, i would start weaning down before you run out, (that is if you want to get clean) Cause now you are allready going to go into w/d. It wont be as bad as say someone who has been using for months or years, But trust me it will hit.
I really hope you decide to get off H, theres nothing glorious about it, it will strip you of everything you have.
I see you have good things going for you, such as college, which really is an amazing thing. You have a good future ahead of you. Anyways you will find what you want to do, That is my two cents though, get out before you have to DIG yourself out.
 
sassafrass said:
The other half of me, the one that seems to be making the decisions right now, is saying just fuck all of that because heroin is that good. I want more. All the time, right at that very instant. I get anxiety when I think of not having it. I plan my day around when I can shoot up. the minute the rush wears off I'm looking forward to my next one.
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This isn't your 'other half' talking, that's the H lying to your face. This kind of thinking is what keeps people from getting clean even after they've hit rock bottom and lost everything.

Try and focus on college, that's what you should really be looking forward to right now. What are you studying?
 
Rock bottom is whatever you define it to be. Why does rock bottom have to be any lower than it currently is?

"I don't think I'm actually an addict though, YET, the main reason being that my problems aren't bad enough. because I haven't been doing them consistently for as long as some of you guys. So I feel like an idiot for calling myself an addict when I've only been doing heroin for 3 weeks or so. "

Addiction is not defined by the quantity or length of time that you consume. It is defined by your relationship with intoxicating substances.

I'm not gonna tell you what you are, but from my perspective, your post screams addict.
 
GenericName12 said:
Rock bottom is whatever you define it to be. Why does rock bottom have to be any lower than it currently is?
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I always think of rock bottom as the lowest you have been (to that point) & every single rock bottom I have had has had a trapdoor. That is the truly scary thing about rock bottom when you have had sobriety. The fact you know you will hit rock bottom faster & harder than ever before & no matter how low you go you can always sink lower.

The OP has been fooling with opiates for years & now is the life changing decision time. Like every other poster her I hope sassafrass makes the right choice in life but some people need to learn the hard lessons personal & up close. It is only going to get harder to quit & now is the perfect time to stop. I don't know if it is possible but can you defer your studies for a year? If you can take a break & get yourself in the right mindset going to college will be different.

If you go to college in 8 days what will stop you using when you encounter opiates there? You have said yourself you are letting the drug use interfere with your day to day life but want to be able to chip away? Physical dependence is a reality that no one escapes with opiates & you are already an IV user.

If nothing changes nothing changes.
 
Well thanks for the input everyone, I guess you're right that addiction is more about how you feel about the drug than the amount of time you've been addicted/the amount of problems it's caused you, though that's certainly a factor. I just feel SO STUPID calling myself an addict, I feel like I'm being fake because it hasn't been than long. I feel like calling myself an addict after 3 weeks is kind of a disservice to all the decade-long addicts with Hep C that have much worse lives than me. I feel guilty for calling myself an addict in the face of that.

Anyway this morning I tried to stop but I just couldn't help it. I got high. Which sucks because yesterday I told everyone I was throwing everything away and quitting today, but I just couldnt throw it away. I was standing over the toilet with it in my hand and I was overwhelmed with fear and anxiety and I just couldn't do it... Couldn't even get rid of my rigs.

I'm just going to use up what I have and that will be it. I almost called my dealer and got another gram but I didn't. I have enough for now and when I run out, I run out and that will be that.
 
to feel SHAME and GUILT is a big part of being an addict.
an addict is a type of person.
not something you aspire to or can choose.
DENIAL is also a character trait we share.

welcome to the club.
 
Hey way to catch it early.. I hope you will just be able to stop when you run out.. but just incase this isn't the case please begin to think of a course of action you could take to begin working on your addiction. And I think your viewof what an addict is will change allot. You will be able to figure this out
 
I agree with thedawn. Shame and guilt about your usage are big signs.

Don't feel stupid. Feel happy you have the self-honesty to admit it this early.

I hope you convince yourself that a stop is necessary. Even if you don't, keep coming back here and let us know how you are doing.
 
Well I broke all my nedles and threw them away, I;m trying to convince myself to flush the heroin, but theres almost like some invisible force keeping me from doing it. that sounds dumb but thats what it feels like. even though I really want to and I have all the reasons in the world to flush it, somehow I just can't...

EDIT: I flushed it. I just stopped thinking and flushed it. I'm quitting. How bad will the withdrawals be? I'm scared ah fuck why did I do that
 
thedawn said:
to feel SHAME and GUILT is a big part of being an addict.
an addict is a type of person.
not something you aspire to or can choose.
DENIAL is also a character trait we share.

welcome to the club.
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I don't feel like we should be so quick to label ourselves.

As soon as we say "I'm an addict", or "he/she/it is an addict", it automatically puts a negative title on the person, because let's face it- most of society looks down on "addicts".

I view addiction as more of a medical condition, someone suffering from addiction.

That's just my $0.02 though :)
 
Another update, I don't know if you guys care or not, but I couldn't quit. I couldn't do it. I went out and bought more as soon as I woke up.

I've never felt worse about myself in my entire life. I can't believe I can't stop. And it's only been 3 weeks. Why can't I just be stronger? It's just a stupid drug. But I couldn't do it. I'm a piece of shit.
 
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