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I think I may be my own enemy....

B

BritishLad

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 5, 2010
Messages
265
Location
England
To stat off I'm 19 turning 20, healthiy phsyical. Apperently have many mental disorders, the only reason I'm paranoid is because of my abusive father and my mothers insults. I was a pain as a child and regret it... I guess that is still in me? But at the moment, if I got my own place I think I'd be happy. After trying 2-CB it was amazing, I wasn't worry I knew it was purely a chemical reaction casuing trippy stuff. Cannabis however sets me off.
I go from fad to fad, wanting a gf (never had one) to wanting to be cool and all that but all I want to do is have my own place, chill and a friend I can finally trust.
Sorry I just wanted to get this of my chest....
 
It sounds like you know what you want. Welcome to The Dark Side. Don't be afraid to post.

Also, about "a purely chemical reaction".. everything is a purely chemical reaction (minus electrity and gravity..well... w/e).
Stay away from weed if it ruins your buzz on life. Pretty simple really.

Lastly.. no one is cool, but what do I know?
-Pz
 
Getting your own place at your age sounds like a worthy goal. The fact that your parents were abusive and undermining your self esteem rather than building it up is a shame.; especially under those circumstances it seems crucial to move out. The best thing about getting your own physical place IMO is that it allows you to start creating your own internal place as well. When you live with your parents everyone stays stuck in those parent/child roles no matter how old in age. Being on your own let's you start to define yourself in a whole new way. Have you already made plans for how you will be able to make this a reality?
 
Man, I didn't realize how similar we are. It took me a while to realize what I wanted but you honestly just layed it all right there for me. The problem I struggle with is being able to hold onto a friend. My good friend lives really far away and I hate when she's dating because she focuses all her attention on them and I guess I'm just really jealous :\ She's there for me but sometimes when I really need her she just isn't. I guess there are some things I just speculate on, but what you have are good goals and I hope you can achieve them.
 
I have some what... on the housing list :( I would work and rent but the only jobs going round here are for McDonalds. Thanks for being so nice btw :) Know what you mean badfish... I met a girl I like and she did like me back. She bought her ex with her (who I found out latter she did stuff with) and spent the time hugging and looking into his eyes. Never felt so worthless in my entire life at that point.
 
Unpleasant as it is, that sort of thing happens to everyone at some point.. it's crushing at the time. But you are not alone and there will be the right girl for you. Most important thing is to get yourself on your feet and comfortable in your own skin first :)

Your own place, chilling and one friend you can trust sounds very achievable, even if it might take a little while - hang in there and things will get better <3

Have you had people to talk to or any therapy to help with what happened to you when you were younger? (Don't feel you have to answer on here, I just think it could be really helpful, even if it's not worked in the past there are lots of different types..)
 
The definiotn of cool i my eyes is drug free :D ... I know that feeling jsut wanting to have a betetr life. Well I think you should probably try finding a job and starting some kind of team sport like socker, basketbal, tricking or even tennis (with others in your group). Mostly you jsut have to get past your ego and your feers to get what you want.
 
Hi mate, sorry to hear you feel so down. Stay off the weed cos that just makes you lazy unmotivated and maybe paranoid also.
What that girl done to you with her ex was plain cruel & just shows she's not worth having.
Not really got much advice but all I can say is that things generally get better in time and u won't always feel this way.
 
You guys have helped me out so much! I cannot thank you enough for not feeling like I was alone feeling like this:) Thank you and peace and love to all of you.
 
BritishLad said:
I go from fad to fad, wanting a gf (never had one) to wanting to be cool and all that but all I want to do is have my own place, chill and a friend I can finally trust.
Sorry I just wanted to get this of my chest....
Click to expand...

No need for apologies here, Britishlad :) This is the place to get these types of things off your chest!

It sounds like your upbringing could have been more forgiving. Have you addressed your father's abuse and your mother's insults with each of your parents or any type of professional with whom you wouldn't mind divulging all the necessary details? As far as confronting your parents, if you haven't already done it, that could lead to high tensions and miserable conversations. Conversely, it could be that by doing so, you may bridge this gap that has formed between you and your parents that could be contributing to your struggle to accept your identity.

From the lines I quoted, I gather you may feel like you are a loner? (Please correct me if I am wrong!)
I know, like, too many people who have felt at one point in their lives precisely the same way. I was a "loner" (though I was too naive and prideful to consider myself one!) from ages 14 until 22. They were lonely years, but years that, looking back, were really good formative years. I had a good time, and I got to "shop around" various social scenes and styles. I now know what I like, and, more importantly, what I don't like. Perhaps you feel the same way. Nonetheless, it's still no fun to feel as though you don't fit in anywhere.

I always had this concept in my head that by age 18 or 21, one ought to have a firm grip on who they are and where they want to go. I'm 25 now, and my perception of myself and my role and place in this world is still shifting and evolving.

You're just about twenty years old. You don't feel as though you've got a firm sense-of self. That's okay. The hardest part of the whole process of being unsure is reassuring ourselves that we'll each get there. There are so many differences between human beings; arguably more than there are similarities. Why would the timeline of comfortably adjusting oneself within society be any different?

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us!

~ vaya
 
Well they broke up and don't speak at the momet, I've avoided talking to my dad. But my mum always gives me back handed insults, maybe she doesn't mean to? But I've always felt like because of my trouble growing up I deserve it. But I don't. I spoke to some therapist and they just gave me some medication which did no good, they (they being doctors or school) weren't even aware I had anxiety attacks until I was 13-14. I also often had derealization which as you can imagine at 6-7 is very terrifying!
All I want is my own place, so I can make money (legit ish sorry of that is not allowed to say on here). And finally meet that girl that understands the 4th of society, and I can finally be able to be myself. No lies, none of that typical marriage stuff. True love is what I want, but oh is that going to take a while to find:) So for now I guess its time to get a GF and do what everyone else does round here.... no one sadly connects these days on a personal level. Even if they do, they are to guarded to express it to create a relationship.
Sorry sort of wrote this while on 2C-B I hope it came out well and helpful and following Bluelights policys:)
Oh and sorry I am aloner of sorts, because of drinking and forcing myself to get out I enjoy talking to people. I just don't trust them enough to let them understand me out of fear well.... fear.
 
As a mother of a child your age, I guess that's the angle I'm going to come at you from. First.. Who diagnosed rerealisation? Never heard of it.. do you mean depersonalisation? And ..Nevermind.. I just looked it up and here's what I found:
According to the DSM-IV- TR, depersonalization and derealization can be symptoms of a panic attack. If you have panic disorder and experience episodes of depersonalization and/or derealization, you’re likely to wonder:

* “Am I going crazy?”
* “Do I have some grave illness?”
* “Am I dying?”

The answers to these questions are no, no and absolutely not. Though quite disturbing, the symptoms of anxiety-related depersonalization and derealization are actually not thought to be dangerous.

The symptoms of depersonalization and derealization can be similar, but they are distinct enough to warrant a separate discussion of each.

Depersonalization

What can be more frightening than feeling as though you are detached from yourself? This is the central feature of depersonalization. It is a feeling of being outside of yourself without any sense of control. Some sufferers often describe the sensation as observing themselves from outside of the body.

Other sensations of depersonalization may include:

* feeling unhuman or robot-like
* feeling foreign or unrecognizable to oneself
* feeling invisible or unreal

Derealization

Where depersonalization focuses on one’s sense of self, derealization focuses on one’s sense of his or her surroundings. Sufferers often describe the sensation of derealization as being in a dream-like state where the environment seems unreal, foggy or hazy.

Other sensations of derealization may include:

* feeling cut off from one’s surroundings
* feeling like being trapped in a glass bubble
* feeling like surrounding objects are unreal or cartoon-like
 
For me, DP and DR are very different. With DP you just feel detached, with DR you feel like nothing is real, nothing has meaning or hope. And that reality is false... :/
Oh and no one, I did myself looking through my own experiances, I spoke to my parents about it but they just well yeah nothing.
 
Given the above, you would be wise to stay well away from drugs altogether.. most especially hallucinogenics of any kind. Just smoking pot regularly would be enough to trigger a more serious mental illness, such as schizophrenia, as it did in my first boyfriend at exactly your age. You also need to be very careful about what you take with any medications that you're prescribed. Even drinking can be dangerous with many meds. But if you're going to do it anyway.. then please do it in moderation!

Now. Why do you want to move out of home? I presume that if your parents have recently separated, home is at Mum's? You might find that her new circumstances see a change in her disposition, ie, she may be more relaxed and pleasant to be around if your father was abusive to her also (which I'm betting he was). Just a thought.. but perhaps you could give it a month or two to see if home becomes a more nurturing place to be than it was during your childhood. How is your mother doing with the separation..? She might well be depressed herself. It would go some ways to explaining her shortness with others. Have you tried to talk with her about how her comments hurt you? She might be surprised at the effect of her offhand remarks. Regardless, she needs to be told that she's upsetting you in talking to you that way! More than likely she won't have realised, and will feel bad about it. Bringing it to her attention may be enough for her to stop, and begin treating you better. Give her that chance - she probably loves you very much and wouldn't mean to hurt you.
 
Perhaps - you could get your mum into counselling WITH you, on the pretext of coming along to support you, and the counseller may be able to pick up on any signs that your mum isn't coping as well as she could. Often times when there is a problem with one member of the family, the whole family is affected in one way or another. It can only help, and you might find it brings you closer to your mother. Never underestimate a good relationship with your mother!

On the subject of girls.. don't sweat it sweetie. Love will come when you least expect it, and most especially - when you aren't seeking it. As my old grannie used to say.. 'A watched kettle never boils'. If you focus on your life, and on having fun, or striving for your goals, pursuing your interests whatever they may be.. you will find that love will find you, not the other way around.

The single most attractive quality in men, and in women, is CONFIDENCE. If you don't have it, fake it! Eventually you won't have to. It is human nature to be drawn to people who make you feel good. Happy people. Hold your head up high. Put your shoulders back. When you meet people, make eyecontact, and smile! Walk into a room as though you own it! Be friendly. Take an interest in others. Remember their names, something about them, and when you see them again, say "Hi ...... - how's the course going?" People like to be remembered... it makes them feel important. And people who feel good about themselves when they are around you, will seek to be in your company again. This is the secret to both making friends, and impressing girls! It will also get you far in a career.. in fact, in every thing you do in life! Become a really great listener. Show interest in others. Ask questions. Talk less, and listen more, and people will begin to seek you out. If you can, give compliments. Don't fake it though. Just vocalise the GOOD things you think about others, and NEVER, NEVER bitch. It's a sure bet that somebody who speaks ill of another, will speak ill of anybody, and nobody trusts a gossip.

Do these things and you WILL be 'Cool'. You'll find love. You'll make friends. And you'll probably love yourself too!

This is what I tell my kids. :-)

Goodluck! xx
 
Just went to meet some girls (friendly like not gf or anything) so I need the loo so we popped in the pub. I used it, they went. Called her phone no reply, called on Skype she said "Oh yeah B (her other friend) ran down the street so I followed her). So basically I've been lied to, used and treated like an idiot. All because I wanted to have company :/
 
Just an update, I now have a good group of friends I trust. And that are pretty trippy people themselfs xD, but they also understand how I am. And don't point it out and help in a way, like telling me to stop apologizing and reassuring me I'm not annoying them by talking or wanting to chat. Guess the world ain't dead after all ^^
 
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