TDS I think I have an actual drug problem.

[isaaccain]

I'm nodding a bit and I can't be fucked correcting all my typing mistakes so just bare with it.

I know I used to be addicted to codeine and that and I had physical withdrawals coming off it but this isn't like that. It's a mental thing.

I have a bit of a prologue to explain.
Just over a eyar ago something bad happened in school right, I was only 14 and it really wasn't acceptable but I just have to live with it. It involved ag ril and it turned almost everyone against me. I ended up in hospital for anorexia and wasn't in school for about 6 months. When I got back the lads had pretty much forgot but most of the girls in the popular crowd thought I was a rat. It's just about getting where everyone's forgotten what happened just over a year after. That's obviously a good thing but it just means that over the past 3 weeks I've been getting skettier and skettier.
About a month ago I would just take speed maybe once a week and barely did pills or mandy. With the speed I've been more social and more talkative etc so coming in school or going out like that I talked a lot more which is unlike me since I've alway been shy. I'm not shy at all anymore and I'm not sure if that's just the amphetamine but now because I'm not shy I've been going out more and all the people who didn't like me before are sound with me now, with the exception of one girl who's a little rat anyway.
Anyway, last week was half term over here (it's different to the across) so we had a week off school. My mum was away so I used her place as a gaff house for 4 days until the neighbour called the feds. I took MDMA in some form 4 times that week on top of getting on it on a weekly basis for about a month prior. The days I wasn't taking pills I sniffed concerta. The feds were called by the neighbour and they found coke on the side which I'm actually very offended about because it wasn't mine and I had no idea it was there and whoever brought it should have gave me some. Anyway in that respect I'm fucked because they're going to test it and then get back to me about what it was. It's been a week so idk what they're messing about for but I have a very elaborate story about how the neighbour planted it there because he was actually in the house without my permission and two of my mates saw him and he robbed a kitchen knife and planted it in his garden to say we were threatening him and he accidentally admitted it to mey mum so it's sound anyway the next day I went to a mates gaff instead and took two pills and felt fuck all and it made me really angry and I almost made a scene when someone was using the toileet bc I wanted to sniff a pill and almost done something that probably would have made everyone think I was a mong again. Anyway then on Saturtday I got on some mandy with two friends so not a gaff or anything but that was the fourth time doing MDMA that week and it fucked up my head because I was sober since sunday afternoon and actually considered suicide because I just cannot go more than two days sober anymore. I'm having a mental breakdown as soon as the night gets here and I'm not fucked. I did codeine again just to keep me sane which isn't good because it's getting close to relapse teritory (did it sunday afternoon with vallium and promethazine) and I don't need cravings for that shit on top of not being able to function without pills or speed. I'm getting some more dexedrine tomorrow but that just prolongs the inevitable bc I've only got the money for a gram and a half of mandy and after that I've got nothing. I need help and if I go to an addiction clinic it turns out they actually share notes with CAHMS which I had to find out the hard way by giong about coediene addictnion and being told at my next appointment with my psychiatirsi t that he knew everything bc they share a compiuter system with the people at the addction clininc. SO pleas eh help me I really don't know what to do. I haven't been in school at all this week bc I just can't get out of bed without taking pills or speed or something.

Thanks forr listening at least anyway x

 

[cj]

Why does it matter if your phychiatrist finds out you have an addiction issue with speed? Is he writing ADHD meds?

Man your young I was doing the same thing as you in high school. I'm 29 now and on methodone because I spent my 20s doing heroin. It's not a pretty path. After awhile you will lose everyone and everything you care about to drugs and that isn't a scare tactic it's just the truth. You are probably the heaviest drug user you know right? The most educated too? You know alot about shit from bluelight erowid ect hell I bet people call and ask you questions about drugs sometimes? Yeah that was me too. It was fun at the time but I have paid a heavy price in the long run

I suggest you come clean to your phychiatrist and try to get into a rehab or some kind of out patient program. I'm not saying you can never get high again but obviously you need some time away from everything and everyone. You need to figure out why you use drugs why you can't be sober. personally I was running from childhood trauma.

 

[Tubbs]

I agree with cj. i too spent all of high school doing drugs, i ended up strung out on meth. your young enough your body can recover, seek help before you get swallowed up by it all

 

[isaaccain]

Why does it matter if your phychiatrist finds out you have an addiction issue with speed? Is he writing ADHD meds?

Man your young I was doing the same thing as you in high school. I'm 29 now and on methodone because I spent my 20s doing heroin. It's not a pretty path. After awhile you will lose everyone and everything you care about to drugs and that isn't a scare tactic it's just the truth. You are probably the heaviest drug user you know right? The most educated too? You know alot about shit from bluelight erowid ect hell I bet people call and ask you questions about drugs sometimes? Yeah that was me too. It was fun at the time but I have paid a heavy price in the long run

I suggest you come clean to your phychiatrist and try to get into a rehab or some kind of out patient program. I'm not saying you can never get high again but obviously you need some time away from everything and everyone. You need to figure out why you use drugs why you can't be sober. personally I was running from childhood trauma.

I guess all that about being the heaviest user I know and having people ask questions is kind of true but over the past two months most of my closest friends have been getting heavy into pills and concerta, but less so with concerta that's just when they're round mine. What I mean is it surrounds me now. It's not like when I was doing codeine every day because when I managed to get myself into school I would just be with friends talking about other things and not really thinking about it too much, but now with everyone else taking pills every week it's hard to get away from.

My psychiatrist is prescribing ADHD medication which is why I don't want him to find out.

I really don't want to come clean because if my parents found out they'd be really upset. I don't think my dad would be able to even live with me any more since he'd find out so much that I've lied to him about over the past 6 months. I mean when the feds were called and they found that powder on the side and saw us all absolutely fucked I just about managed to give a believable story, saying different now would have the credibility of it completely wasted and my mum wouldn't lie to the land lord about what was going on because of religious morals and that so she'd probably end up getting kicked out of her house.

I can figure out why I can't stay sober though. I guess I don't really want to talk about it but I know exactly why and it's something that I think is starting to get better, just really slowly. I guess I'm running from trauma too but if things get better in a certain regard I think I'll be able to stay sober and it does look like things are going to get there eventually. I guess I'll just surround myself with my closest friends who aren't pill heads to distract myself from wanting to get on something. Until last night I was 3 days sober which in context of the last month is a pretty big milestone. I had an actual mental breakdown the first night but after that it got easier and I was thinking about it constantly and couldn't go in school but I was able to distract myself a bit. One last time with a gram and a quarter of mandy that I'm getting on saturday and then I'm going for a week sober. If it really comes to it I'll just give up on trying to do this myself and see my old drug counsellor again

 

[Tubbs]

remember every day clean is a victory. and alot of peoples recovery involves relapse. all i can say is do what you need to do personally. noone can say what is right for you but you.

 

[NewJerseyChill]

I'm nodding a bit and I can't be fucked correcting all my typing mistakes so just bare with it.

I know I used to be addicted to codeine and that and I had physical withdrawals coming off it but this isn't like that. It's a mental thing.

I have a bit of a prologue to explain.
Just over a eyar ago something bad happened in school right, I was only 14 and it really wasn't acceptable but I just have to live with it. It involved ag ril and it turned almost everyone against me. I ended up in hospital for anorexia and wasn't in school for about 6 months. When I got back the lads had pretty much forgot but most of the girls in the popular crowd thought I was a rat. It's just about getting where everyone's forgotten what happened just over a year after. That's obviously a good thing but it just means that over the past 3 weeks I've been getting skettier and skettier.
About a month ago I would just take speed maybe once a week and barely did pills or mandy. With the speed I've been more social and more talkative etc so coming in school or going out like that I talked a lot more which is unlike me since I've alway been shy. I'm not shy at all anymore and I'm not sure if that's just the amphetamine but now because I'm not shy I've been going out more and all the people who didn't like me before are sound with me now, with the exception of one girl who's a little rat anyway.
Anyway, last week was half term over here (it's different to the across) so we had a week off school. My mum was away so I used her place as a gaff house for 4 days until the neighbour called the feds. I took MDMA in some form 4 times that week on top of getting on it on a weekly basis for about a month prior. The days I wasn't taking pills I sniffed concerta. The feds were called by the neighbour and they found coke on the side which I'm actually very offended about because it wasn't mine and I had no idea it was there and whoever brought it should have gave me some. Anyway in that respect I'm fucked because they're going to test it and then get back to me about what it was. It's been a week so idk what they're messing about for but I have a very elaborate story about how the neighbour planted it there because he was actually in the house without my permission and two of my mates saw him and he robbed a kitchen knife and planted it in his garden to say we were threatening him and he accidentally admitted it to mey mum so it's sound anyway the next day I went to a mates gaff instead and took two pills and felt fuck all and it made me really angry and I almost made a scene when someone was using the toileet bc I wanted to sniff a pill and almost done something that probably would have made everyone think I was a mong again. Anyway then on Saturtday I got on some mandy with two friends so not a gaff or anything but that was the fourth time doing MDMA that week and it fucked up my head because I was sober since sunday afternoon and actually considered suicide because I just cannot go more than two days sober anymore. I'm having a mental breakdown as soon as the night gets here and I'm not fucked. I did codeine again just to keep me sane which isn't good because it's getting close to relapse teritory (did it sunday afternoon with vallium and promethazine) and I don't need cravings for that shit on top of not being able to function without pills or speed. I'm getting some more dexedrine tomorrow but that just prolongs the inevitable bc I've only got the money for a gram and a half of mandy and after that I've got nothing. I need help and if I go to an addiction clinic it turns out they actually share notes with CAHMS which I had to find out the hard way by giong about coediene addictnion and being told at my next appointment with my psychiatirsi t that he knew everything bc they share a compiuter system with the people at the addction clininc. SO pleas eh help me I really don't know what to do. I haven't been in school at all this week bc I just can't get out of bed without taking pills or speed or something.

Thanks forr listening at least anyway x

You are causing damage to chemicals in your brain that will make it harder to stop drugs when you realize it's not fun anymore. Their was no telling me nothing when I started doing drugs.If you are not going to stop atleast develop a skill or get good at something while you are fucked up.
Good luck.

 

[G.R.S.H.]

Drugs often block out pain, such as trauma that has happened in our lives. Rarely, if ever, do they fix the trauma. Drugs will push the pain away, and it will seem better. Use the solid tools you have in your life, therapist, friends that aren't using, even your parents, to help you stay off the drugs for a bit. Eventually, when using heavy like you are, you no longer are using the drug, it's using you.
Faith- grsh

 

[cj]

Your parents love you that love isn't conditional. If you went to them and said I have a problems and need help I guarantee they would rally around you as that's just what parents do. I'm not saying you have to come clean on specifics either if you just said look I'm having trouble staying sober I need some help with that and some issues in my head that is all that would be said. It would be even better if you told your phych and they talked to your parents as they have a way of telling them which makes it way better.

Of you don't tell them on your own then something is going to end up happening which forces your hand. Your going to slip up and at some point we all do whether that's leaving something for them to find or getting caught by someone else. I got caught with drugs by my parents numerous times and it sucked Everytime. Things only got better between us when I started being honest.

Good luck and if you ever want to talk or need some advice feel free to pm me.

 

[ObieWan]

I've always been a closet and mostly functional addict and never had a lot of drama. The best thing you can do is lean on somebody, preferably a best friend to talk to and your parents to guide you and help you. I think you may be past doing this on your own. That suicidal ideation is a real bitch when you come to realize you can't live with the drugs and can't live without. Please talk to somebody. There are even plenty of people on here who have shared your experiences.