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I think I fucked up. Now I'm sad and close to desperate. Any words of support w/help

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rph090909

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Dec 28, 2011
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I think I fucked up. Now I'm sad and close to desperate. Any words of support w/help.

I have been Rx'd Opana for the past two years to treat a chronic pain condition. I got RX'd 3x15mg ER and 6x10mg IR tabs daily each month. I must admit that when I first started taking them by mouth they were underwhelming for treating my pain. I read up a lot about Opana at the time, and found out about the difference in potency if I snorted them instead of taking them orally. I then experimented and found out for myself that indeed there was a huge difference in effect, like 4x more powerful when sniffed then when taken orally.

Flash forward 2+ years later, I'm on the same dose. It's not working as well for my pain as it had been. My nose and nostrils are all messed up and always clogged. More recently I started getting horrible nose bleeds that took almost 45-60 mins to stop in full and would scare my wife and boys. A few months ago I also contracted Pneumonia and broke my foot. Most of the past two years I've been out of work. Now it's time to re-enter the work place. We are close to broke, yet by the grace of god, I have a good paying job waiting for me.

So, I decided to stop inhaling the Opana ER's and switch from what was a 3 times a day dose to a once a day oral morphine capsule this past Monday, 90mg. I still had my 6 Opana 10mg IR's per day but last night after deep reflection while trying to get yet another nosebleed to stop, I decided to get off all nasal administered meds and stay with oral - figuring that if I really want that future awaiting me, it was time. So I saw my pain doc again today because the 90mg morphine ER wasn't quite enough (no surprise there) and he told me he'd switch me to the 120mg's instead. When I saw him this morning, I told him no more Opana's, can I just get Rx'd oral morphine IR for breakthrough instead. He agreed and wrote me for 4x30mg Morphine IR's/day, and then made me dump my newly filled opana IR rx (#150) down the toilet.

Now, i'm horribly depressed thinking I made a huge mistake because there is now way that 240 morphine/day by mouth equals 105mg of inhaled Opana. What the fuck was I thinking giving up the IR tabs? I am scared that I will now go into withdrawal, my pain will become unbearable, and that warm feeling I got from inhaling the Opana's will be gone forever because the morphine taken by mouth doesn't even come close to making me feel anything! It is helping with pain though and I know that is the most important thing but shit, after 2 years of ritually spending my days around inhaling Opana, now it's all gone, and by my own hand!!!

Please help me feel better about my decision. I know I did it for the right reasons, and I know I'm going through a loss/morning/grieving process. I hope I dont go through WD. I hope I get some warmth from this oral morphine sometime soon. The warmth helps the pain in a very different way and I already miss it. F!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for reading and for any words of encouragement you can send me. I'd really appreciate it. And, no, I will not inject or go rectal. I wanted to simplify. That was the point. I just didnt realize how weak the morphine would be and just how much I'd miss the drug Opana, the daily ritual involved in crushing and snorting, and the immediate and pleasant effect it had on me immediately after I inhaled. Help! So sad and upset with myself - for all of it. What a dumbass I have been and am.
 
See how you feel taking them orally , don't panic before you even get to see if you'll be in pain or not.
I don't know how your relationship with your doctor is , but worse comes to worse , tell him the pain is too much and you'd like back on the opana and you'd like to start a gradual weaning process . If that couldn't happen until your next visit because you've already filled your script , I'm sure he could add something else like lyrica and clonidine to help with pain or any withdrawal symptoms you may be feeling until your next visit . Props for trying to stop abusing them , I'm surprised for someone who sniffs them you haven't been running out early ( or maybe you have ) . Personally , if you're an addict like I am , I'd say it'd almost be impossible to stop snorting them as long as you keep getting them RX'd . Last resort for the month would be plugging the morphines. I know you said you wouldn't but , you'll get alot " more" out of them for lack of a better word ^_^ . Don't feel guilty about it , and don't rush trying to change your habits . You've been snorting the opanas for 2 years . You're not going to be using them as prescibed overnight . Do what you have to do until you can get your opanas Rx'd again and then go from there
 
Such wise advise Quantz. So understanding and non-judgmental too. Thank you so much for what you wrote. You totally get it. For 2 years my daily activities have all rotated around inhaling Opana. The first 2&1/2 to 3 weeks of every month I'd inhale 30% more than prescribed and then the last week of the month would turn into hell at 50-70% of my Rx'd dose left - which was a swing of 60% less than what i was inhaling the previous 3 weeks, so my family & friends all knew when it was my fourth week and they along with me, looked forward to that Monday appointment in which I could restart the madness all over again. I just couldn't take it anymore. So unfair to everyone else and on so many levels. Sadly and compounding my anxiety and regret is the fact that my PM doc just left town until after Xmas! He has no one to cover him or on call. It might turn into an ER visit if it gets really bad - but who knows. I guess i've had some degree of self control not to inhale all the Opana's the first few weeks. I always had at least 50% of my dose that last week, so I should be able to pull this off, right???? Thanks again Qua
 
Hey rph,
I am on my phone but I read your post and wanted to respond. I will check in with you later when I am not so time restricted. First off, you decided to make the switch for a reason and hats off to you for going through with it and talking to your doctor! Really, that alone is an impressive thing. How are you feeling-physically speaking? Besides mental do you actually feel any withdrawal symptoms? You said that what you are on now is working to take your pain away-that's great but now you have to get over this mental bump. It is natural to feel as if you made a mistake and even feel depressed. Crushing/snorting the opanas was probably the most ritualistic thing you have done for the past two years. It had become a part of not only your routine but it also became a part of you. Stopping anything so sudden can leave you in a sort of 'dazed and confused' state. But I think you did the right thing and one way to know that this will ultimately be a rewarding decision is the fact that the path to reach that point isn't easy. You know deep down that this was a wise choice and will be better for you and your family, but in your head you are making up reasons why you should backtrack and why it would be okay to get back to blowin' the opanas. The addict-like part of you can come up with a million and one reasons why you shouldn't have made the jump to quitting opanas and why you should go back to them but IMO none of those reasons are really justified and for all the excuses you come up with to go back to using-you only really need ONE excuse/reason for staying off and that is your future and your happiness. Look way farther down the road and try to see the big picture-which choice will lead you to a happier place? if you can stay strong and get through this transition (which I know can at times eat you up inside thinking about) then you will come out on the other end with a more fulfilling life. Your entire day/all your actions will not be based on some pill-you will again gain control.
 
Scarletfires. - Thank you so so much. You nailed it too. I just need to stay strong. Not much WD yet and the real good news if that the pain control is there too. Thank God. To be off inhaling and damaging my health while also risking my future and the ability for me to provide for my family too. That isn't negotiable. It's just getting past the realization that the Opana and all that went with it is gone for good. I never gave it much thought. I just did it. That's why I was so surprised when I found myself In a pity party of my own design. Thank goodness my wife has been so understanding - with the two year non-compete and the two years of inhaling Opana all day. She knew. So did my 17 yo son and my friends. I didn't mind sharing what was really happening because I did t think that I was doing anything wrong at the time. I now see I was doing something very wrong and I feel so guilty for it and even more guilty for missing it so much. But great things do lie ahead for me and the sedation and need to crush and inhale will be all gone when the time comes. My wife says she's proud of me and that with your responses is good enough for me. I really appreciate the support from you and quantz. Thanks again. Stay well. I'll update this thread this weekend with updates on how I'm doing. Take care.
Rph 090909
 
Rph,
I know the 'pity party' as you called it came as a surprise to you but believe me everything you are feeling is very normal. While the pain is manageable and you are not suffering physically, you will continue to battle negative thoughts and emotions. I think it is amazing that your wife is there for you 100%, you are indeed a lucky guy. Again I must say how incredibly strong you are for making the drastic changes concerning your method of medication. Many of us know the repercussions of our actions yet do not do anything to change. Stick with what you are doing and take it one day at a time, sometimes you will even have to take it one minute at a time. When your demons seem like they are too much to bare, close your eyes and tell yourself "okay I can go this next minute (or hour or dose or day etc) without giving up and keep persevering. Continue to be open and honest and frank with your wife-keep her in the loop of your thought process-both negative and positive. Voicing out loud your cravings can help immensely. Keep us posted and don't ever hesitate to reach out on these boards, there are tons of supportive and truly awesome people.
 
ORAL

Morphine 30 mg PO =

Heroin = 30 mg
Codeine = 200 mg
Hydrocodone = 30 mg
Oxycodone = 20 mg
Hydromorphone = 7.5 mg
Oxymorphone = 10 mg
Methadone = 5-10 mg†
Levorphanol = 4 mg
Meperidine = 300 mg
Tramadol = 150 mg§
Dihydrocodeine = 100 mg
Dextropropoxyphene = 130-200 mg*


† Note: Equianalgesic dosing ratios between methadone and other opioids are complex, thus requiring slow, cautious conversion

§ Tramadol is not a typical opioid, many even find it more stimulatory in effect and thus it will have varying effects from person to person

* Inconclusive data >source<

So if 10mg oxymorphone = 30 mg of morphine then the ratio is one to three so the correct dose for the morphine to equal the opana would be 3x105mg= 315mg morphine so you have taken a pretty good cut.
 
Your not screwed if this doesn't work tell our doctor and you can work to find something that does work together. Opana is not the be all end all of opiates.
 
Neversickanymore (best alias I've ever seen on any boards!!), thanks for the chart. I questioned my doc on the dose and he stated that textbook was a 2:1 conversion which isn't really accurate for morphine - oxycodone yes, but not morphine. Making matters worse on myself, the sniffing increased bioavailability 4x over oral. I wish i could have been frank and told him that i'd been sniffing because it cut the pain much more than oral Opana, but I think he'd probably be pissed and I didnt want to risk getting discharged from his practice. So, yup, pretty much I've felt completely fucked, but it's all my own fault. I should have known better. I was stupid. Scarletfires is rignt, the cravings come, especially for the ritual, the warming effect, and especiallly at night. I'm such a stupid ass. I'm doing my best to hang-in and give it time. I am taking it one day, sometimes one hour at a time. I am still perseverating and I feel so slow and life feels so surreal too. I am damn lucky though that i'm not puking and have stayed mostly well except for what youd expect from such a huge cut in equianalgesic dose. Crimsonjunk, thanks for your respinse too. Youre spot on as well!!
 
Ps. I attended an AA meeting today. Speaker's meeting. Couldn't hurt. I do have a legitimate and verified medical condition that's been causing me severe and chronic pain though, but got to be honest with myself, I exhibited classic addict behavior, which I can't afford to have in my life if I want to keep a career and take care of my family. So meetings? Yes, absolutely. They helped me in my recovery more than 15 years ago so why not now. And please, no trips about losing my clean time - maybe I did, maybe I didn't. The pain and need is unfortunately real - but the way I've been using them to get out of pain was in all honesty, quite a bit like using like an addict and less so like a PM patient. Fuckin plays with my head. Guilt is high and self-inflicted. I just need to surrender to what is - oral, nothing else, and not worry about the underdosing by the doc. I know this can be fixed in 25 days from now. I had no idea that morphine was so weak. But my wife and kids are so happy now that I'm not spending hours at a time in the bathroom, grinding, chopping, and inhaling. I threw out all that shit today - right in the garbage. Nothing left of it. I guess that helps too or will help me from doing something stupid at some point. Thanks again everyone. I can't tell you all just how much your replies and support have meant to me-----and to my wife too. I read my post to her after I posted it and also read her some replies. She's so awesome! Never used drugs and rarely drinks either. Go figure.
 
Rph!! Right on!! Good for you going to the meeting. I think I have said it in every post but I really do mean it, I am impressed by you and you are doing the right thing. It is not easy but it is rewarding. Even though I don't know you personally when I read your latest post I feel such pride for you.

As for the guilt you are feeling, again very normal but try not to beat yourself up. What happened to you happens to MANY others and it also seems that while you weren't 100% on top of your game, you also weren't lying to your family about your habits. That is a rare quality. The past is the past, let thoughts of the future overtake those pesky thoughts of guilt. In order to appreciate how beautiful life and family truly are we sometimes have to live the dark side for a while. Do not let yourself feel awful about the past-rather take it as a learning experience and use it as a crutch for change.

Give yourself a pat on the back, a few high fives and look at yourself in the mirror and realize you can look into your eyes and smile-The kind of smile that comes so deep from within because you can feel what you have/are accomplishing.

It is no easy feat.
 
Learning to experience life is the secret to true happiness.

Oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin and endorphins, ever heard of these?

These are released at excessive and dangerous levels when using recreational drugs, they are responsible for euphoria.

How do we release these naturally- yes, it's possible- is the only question you should be asking yourself.

Oxytocin is why we feel better around those we like. It's released when we feel unity and trust.

Serotonin is why we feel accomplishment. It's released when we challenge our abilities, also when we succeed.

Endorphin is why we feel surprisingly calm when injured. It's released when we're harmed. Exercising is a productive way of utilizing this.

Dopamine is why we feel amped. It's released when we are concerned or take risks.


These wonderful chemicals are responsible for devolping our character, we should be very grateful to have such loving bodies and minds. :D

http://www.zoklet.net/bbs/showthread.php?t=169702
 
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Don't panic, take it as it goes, try to stick to the prescribed dose, i have found reducing doses of opiates to not be too difficult, stopping alltogether is different, but reducing the dosage can be feasable, also morphine is great for pain (from what i've heard) and tends to lead less towards addictive behaviour, such as changing the route of administration for a better bio-availability or "effect" (from what i've heard and read) than oxymorphone/codone or hydromorphone/codone.

If the withdrawal is really bad, and/or the cronic pain is unbearable, don't hesitate to phone your doctor and tell them, they will most likely up your dose, but by sticking to oral administration with morphine, you will be a lot more "stable", by sniffing the oxymorphone, not only were you increasing the bio-availability, but you were also getting a way faster onset of the effect, leading to a more addictive habit, you may have also done some serious damage to your nasal passages.

All the best, and don't hesitate to call your doctor, rather than up your dose yourself and end up with not enough medication for the rest of the month.
Good luck.
 
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