Mental Health i think i am spiraling out of control! help please

[coolass9965]

this is my first post so please forgive me if i break any rules or post in the wrong section...
I live in southern Oregon, i am 18 years old. at 15 i was committed to the Oregon youth authority, which is basically a prison system for minors, as well as some people until the age of 25. i just got out in april and off of parole in may. while i was in custody i tried to kill myself atleast 4 times i was constantly cutting myself and giving myself eraser burns. it got to the point where they had a guard assigned to do nothing else but watch me and he had to be within arms length of me at all times, as you can imagine this got pretty awkward when it can time to use the bathroom or shower.i have been struggling with addiction since i was 12, weather it be alcohol, or cigarettes, or opiates, or marijuana. i have always been addicted to SOMETHING. now i cut myself on an almost regular basis, to the point to where i sometimes feel dizzy and light headed, but to my credit i keep the wounds pretty clean before each cut i wipe the area i want to cut in with rubbing alcohol, as well as the blade, and i wash the wounds 1 - 2 times everyday... i am so close to getting addicted to opiates again, or some other substance, and i am just so depressed everyday, except for <snip> cutting <snip> and relax, smoke a cigarette listen to the grateful dead and all is well for about an hour... i am diagnosed with autism, bipolar disorder, mood disorder not otherwise specified with psychotic features. and i was recently admitted to the hospital for a drug overdose i cant for the life of me remember which drug though... i feel i may have gone into deep but this is why i am posting here hoping, praying someone has gone through the same shit i have and turned out okay... my dad ignores me, i have not seen him in quite a while, my mom is so fucking clueless, and my stepdad is a fucking dickmuncher. at this moment i am contplating suicide as i feel that would be such a relief.

 

[herbavore]

coolass, it sounds like life has been confusing, exhausting and chaotic for you from a very early age. Living as a prisoner for the last 3 years you must feel like you have been in hell. I'm really sorry that your life so far has been so full of suffering. If you are autistic and bipolar what you need is for someone to help you understand how your mind works, what are the pitfalls and advantages to how it works and ways to manage your life while accepting your own unique perspective--you don't need punishment.

What is your support like now? Do you have a social worker or anything like that? If so, is that person someone that you trust? I think there are a lot of services available to you as someone coming out of that system so maybe in some ways you can use this to your advantage. Find a therapist that you feel comfortable with--someone that gives you real tools that can empower you to be in charge of your life. Cutting yourself is a complex psychological problem (I used to do it when I was young and still don't totally understand it) and even though it may feel like a release and relief think how it would feel to feel that feeling without having to harm yourself?

There is hopefulness in every life. I went through some really tough times myself as a teenager and in my twenties. I had to be high, self-harmed, tried to take my life several times, lived in very risky ways and was incarcerated in a psyche ward. I am almost 60 now and my life has become one that I love. The secret is in accepting responsibility for yourself while not judging yourself for your weaknesses. When you accept your vulnerable parts you are empowered to change them, to work on becoming who you want to be. When you are stuck in denial or seeing yourself as a victim of the world and others, you deny yourself the power to change. Someone coming from your background, that did not have the advantages of supportive and loving role models as parents has to work harder to get to a place of confidence and faith in yourself--but that is your challenge and I know you can do it. You have already shown courage and tenacity beyond what many people will ever have to come up with. You have within you all the strength you need to create your life. It won't happen overnight and don't get discouraged or bogged down when it doesn't. Just set goals and try to reach them. When you fail, don't use it against yourself; learn from it and walk on, congratulating yourself on being wiser for your future. Your past is nothing to hide or be ashamed of. If anything, I feel like my past--the worst of it especially--has made me a more empathetic and stronger person. Every experience has many facets and nothing is all good or all bad--everything has something to teach us.

Stay around here and talk to people. The world is richer for your experience and your thoughts and perspectives. You have lots to offer and I hope that you get something out of what others have to offer you that will change how you are feeling for the better. Hang in there and know that you are just at the very beginning of your adult life. Life will surprise you many times over.

 

[coolass9965]

thank you for your support

 

[pofacedhoe]

autism makes it difficult for you to know how to act BUT as you get older you learn from experience.

bipolar is pretty difficult to deal with too.

what can i say? i wouldn't like to be in prison. changing my diet to eat lots of oily fish helped my moods along with taking vitamin b6-the ones i have are 50mg of b6 which is around 3500% the RDA in uk but they work very well (very important). once i started those things i could sleep better and once i could sleep better i didn't have manic ups anymore. it has helped to remove the stress that is a trigger. at one point i was prescribed risperidone by a psychiatrist which i didn't take.

bipolar people should avoid caffeine like the plague and cigarettes (maoi's in tobacco really are bad for bipolar). really i cannot emphasize how important it is to remove these two from your life. when i smoked lots of cigarettes i would be awake for days at a time with insomnia and only now i can see the link.

being manic distorted my personality as well so have a look into personality disorders and see if there is any co-morbid overlap which you could work on because those elements fuelled the imaginary drama in my head. what you dont need are more labels but you do need self awareness to give you some insight.

good luck

 

[coolass9965]

thank you