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I think I am poison.

ForEverAfter said:
Although I'm familiar with the concepts of Buddhism, I fight against them. That's what life is. Consciousness, isolation, is the opposition of infinity. I separate from the one, by being conscious. Then I return to the one, when I die. Tibetan Buddhism describes life as suffering. Suffering because of identity. We need people to love because, why. We are alone. Because we suffer. I need someone to soothe my pain, because I am in pain. This is what love is. What I mean by honesty is - I am an existentialist. I am a maniac. If life starts to stabilize, I will shatter it. Because it's all bullshit. And we need to be aware of it. It's more important than eating. It's more important than being warm. The truth will always flow through my life like a hurricane, destroying everything in it's path.

So, knowing that, should I adopt a partner?
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Existence lacks definition without struggle, just like life lacks it without death and likewise for hope without despair. Perhaps you are consumed with feelings of self-loathing because you seek desperately to find a struggle worthy of your devotion. This would explain why you are so fixated on the collapse of relationships in the past and unable to forge a path into the future. Directionless men full of ideals are like chaos, dismantling and reconfiguring everything within reach while making little measurable progress. For all the effort spent, would it not be more fruitful to choose a direction and witness the truth that path can unveil?

I see life as a series of highways with a fraction of our hopes and desires waiting for us at the end of each. A mate is someone with a car, or maybe just a motorbike, who stops to pick up a lonely traveller and accelerate the voyage while making it brighter just by being there to laugh and smile at the ironies gifted to us by the struggle we frame our individual existences against.
 
ForEverAfter said:
I haven't had a relationship with anyone for almost three years. A while back I had a haircut and it frightened me to realize that it was the closest I had been to a human being for a long, long time. This woman cutting my hair... I love so many girls. I love them silently. Like some kind of creep. I fantasize. I do not inflict myself upon them. Because that - loving them - would be selfish. For my benefit. I hate myself so much. I feel like if I inflict myself upon a woman, I will just destroy her. One day. Like I've destroyed everyone. I don't think I'm unique. I think a lot of people are poison, and they know they are poison. Yet they inflict themselves upon others. I fucking see it.

I've hurt people. Simply by knowing me, people have been destroyed.

Sometimes, I think - maybe - I'm depressed.
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You said it yourself and I'm in a similar boat, mate.

Haven't had a serious sexual encounter for a long time. For a time I thought this was based merely on intellectual attraction, as mere physical attraction doesn't do anything for me. I need a partner. I'm not looking for sex in the long run.

I'm also, vastly depressed with no prospects, money or self control.

I'm the same. I burn more bridges than a ballistics expert in that field. I get depressed, catatonic and drop off the face of the earth. I find 99 percent of people absolutely not worth talking to (not to their detriment mind you, I don't judge these people). I'm an introvert and don't open my mouth unless I've got something to say and a a pair of ears to hear it and respect and reciprocte emotionally and intellectually in some way.

In short, I'm picky.

And depressed. There are so many variables when you're an intellectual, which you are 4EA, for good or ill.

Also when you're a hopeless romantic, which I believe you to be, for good or ill.

I used to blame my abstinence on the simple fact that psychically it weakens you, which I was told from my last true love who was psychic. But I don't know what to believe anymore.

I believe you need to seek the love you desperately need in yourself, before you can share love adaquately with someone else. You'll have to find a path for this, I'm on one myself. I'll seek you out with tips and tricks as I go along, but I'm new so unfortunately have little to give you right now.

If you want to PM an address where we can correspond via REAL post, as I'll be in asylum for as long as it takes, please do so now. I'm going there tomorrow morning and long for real letters back and forth. The only thing I hate about the technological age of ours, is we don't have typewriters and mail but email and keyboards. Oh well, that's a tangent for your forum. ;)
 
You're overthinking it, ForeverAfter (as someone pointed out). :)

Someone falling in love with you and it doesn't work out? Not destroying them. It just didn't work out, even if they are depressed for some time. People get over it.

Your faults are obvious usually after a little while of dating. As long as you aren't being untruthful, it's on her to dump you before it gets serious. It's on her to recognize that you don't change. That doesn't mean you should shit on people, but if you are an awful person and you are upfront with her, then she needs to be a strong female and take the necessary steps to end it. That isn't destroying her. That's being honest and letting her make her own decisions.
 
again depression + massive hallucinogen intake = dramatic oversimplifications

i'll give you an example- recently i went out with my friend who has no job and i was paying for the beers for that evening, anyway i had some weed and some 3meo-pcp before i went out. then i was convinced later that everything i experience is a dream caused by secretions of a parasitic wasp who is draining me of vitality and my whole life is just a fantasy created by a dying larvae (me) trying to escape its own demise. my friends and family, its all make believe so that i continue to provide a body to feast on calmly and quietly.

the simple explanation- too stoned, my friend was a mooch, dont watch the matrix too many times...
 
oh yeah but they're only about 15. i had sex when i was 12. is that wrong? i liked it and wanted it. probably should have waited but i was horny. didn't make me poison or i didn't feel that the other guy was poison.

i think the op needs to stop doing so many drugs then maybe try to work on his depression
 
ForEverAfter said:
I haven't had a relationship with anyone for almost three years. A while back I had a haircut and it frightened me to realize that it was the closest I had been to a human being for a long, long time. This woman cutting my hair... I love so many girls. I love them silently. Like some kind of creep. I fantasize. I do not inflict myself upon them. Because that - loving them - would be selfish. For my benefit. I hate myself so much. I feel like if I inflict myself upon a woman, I will just destroy her. One day. Like I've destroyed everyone. I don't think I'm unique. I think a lot of people are poison, and they know they are poison. Yet they inflict themselves upon others. I fucking see it.

I've hurt people. Simply by knowing me, people have been destroyed.

Sometimes, I think - maybe - I'm depressed.
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Hit it and quit it lad.
 
I'm willing to bet that the OP's "problems" will resolve themselves when he stops treating himself like a garbage dump for chemicals.
 
"Problems." Yes. I suffer from extreme depression. I medicate to feed it, not to cure it. I do this for the truth. The closer I get, the further away I am. I recently had a series of massive drug-induced revelations. I died. I know something that I can't bring myself to voice. I know something that I should not know. Something reserved for the dead. Because the living should not know. Because it is horrifying to live and know. To remember. Yet I continue to chase this truth. I realize, maybe I sound like a crack addict. We're all so self-assured. Lunatics are clearly lunatics because we are clearly sane. I don't want to say what I know, because it will do you no service to believe me. And disbelief is similarly productive. Religions try to convince people of what they should not know. Those of us unfortunate, or fortunate, enough to have seen the other side. We either try to share it with others, or inflict it upon them. I am a silent prophet. Because I see the long term effects of religion, and I know that it is of no benefit to society. But, the thing is, I can't unsee it. I will never forget. It haunts me. I believe delirium more than I believe reality. In fact, I don't think I exist. This boy was hitting golf balls in his back yard some months ago. He let go of the club. It flew through the air, and hit the roof of my house. Since then everything has gone into disarray. I believe this act to be a divine coincidence. I believe I am dying. But I feel nothing about my death, aside from what I should feel. Like when you hear about some old friend. I am detached from myself. I am melancholic. The suicidal believes in death. I believe in nothing. And everything. I believe that my entire existence is a delusion necessary to perpetuate an infinite and meaningless series of co-incidences that serve no purpose other than to support their own impractical existence. I have been getting worse. Or better. As time goes on. At one point in time, I would have made a reasonable boyfriend. Or I could have. Or should have. I never did. But now, I'm incapable. There is no going back. Accepting a diagnosis, before I reach the summit. Accepting defeat. I can't do that. You can tell me that's stupid. That I can do it. Theoretically you may be right. But in reality it's not going to happen. My "problems" are as valid as anybody's "problems". I do a lot of drugs, yes. And drugs are making me go insane. Or sane. But I'm not going to stop. Not until I reach a conclusion. Not until I die. So - accepting that fact...

Should I inflict myself upon a woman?

If it was your daughter, or your sister, what would you say?

Wouldn't she, whoever she is, be better off with someone else?

(My answers are No/ No/ Yes.)
 
ForEverAfter said:
" I do this for the truth. The closer I get, the further away I am. I recently had a series of massive drug-induced revelations. I died. I know something that I can't bring myself to voice. I know something that I should not know. Something reserved for the dead. Because the living should not know.
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Two questions which I hope you answer based on your leanings towards the truth.

What is it you know?

Were you 100% honest regarding the age of girl you stated you were attracted to in the other thread?

This not be the right place to answer those questions publicly. I understand that. But I'm making the point that unless you're going to be 100% honest in asking a question the answers you receive may be rendered meaningless.
 
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