I think I am going insane.

[naialicexo1]

I'm 17 years old, I am female. I live in England.
in January my uncle died. I grew up with him, it was an unimaginable agony to have lost him. I was at my mates house, we where both still pretty high from the mdma we had snorted earlier, and then I got a text from my mum. Telling me my uncle had died that morning. My buzz disapeared and was replaced by a darkness worse than I'd ever felt after 5 years suffering from deppresion. My uncle had schizophrenia. He heard voices, he thought he was in with maddona and all these people he'd never met. He thought he was being watched. He moved away a couple years ago. I never even made an effort to see him because in my mind he was coming back when he was ready, there was no doubt that he'd turn up one christmas or one birthday or Somthing and give me one of those huge hugs and if feel safe and happy because he's home and he's better. But no. He's dead. He's gone. My mother says he died purley because of marijuana. She also says 'it is in my genes, I need to start to stay well away from it'. But I cant. I don't know if it makes me sick. I can't handle the rushing, painful, car crash of thoughts that occurre when I'm not high. I can't handle facing everything that has gone wrong and I can't look at my life through sober eyes and see it on the floor in pieces. I'm not complelty here anymore.. Something has happened. I only notice it when I'm sober, and when I notice it I smoke and have ended up being high consistently pretty much every second of the day and waking hours stoned out of my mind for a few months now. I am either detached from all emotion, not caring, suspicious and I guess you could even say cruel, or I am so sensitive that Somone looking at me wrong could trigger a chain of thoughts that lead to suicidal thoughts and severe self harm. Im manically happy and then I'm so angry I could kill someone. My thoughts are like millions of unorganised ants on steroids. Their fast, chaotic, unsensical and when I try to follow one it leaves me confused and suspicious of plots and puzzle pieces and conspiracies that don't exist. MY SENSES. they are... It's like I've never actually taken in the world around me. I spent an hour or so studying the intracate design on the surface of a blade of grass on Sunday. Every colour is bright, I see details and notice little things and have no explanation as to why they've either never amazed me before or IVE never seen them. Sounds, I hear and notice everything. Smell, Its not that Its stronger, I just notice every smell in the world around me, I feel as though the planet is intensifying and don't know why.
i have this enemy that I used to trust with my life. One day I got a messege saying she'd called the police on me regarding drugs, and that she'd been talking crap and causing amd manipulating a lot of the hard times in my life. At first I felt nothing. Then I felt fed up. Then hopeless. Then betrayed. Then it evened out into hate. This unnecessary hate. I feel as though if i saw her I could kill her. How dare she do this to me! How dare she not even care whilst I obsses over every lie and every hug and every time she told me she was there only to help me. But I wont. Because part of me knows whilst what she was wrong, my reaction is irrational.
Chunks of my memory have also been going missing. Everything before this second in time is an unimportant blur that is not drug induced. I can remember events and snippets of conversations if I focus, but not which order they go in. I do have the worst memory anyway but this is due to weed.
My body shakes and is hot and cold, and somehow I know it's my mind doing it.
this isn't because of the drugs. I stopped cocaine, mdma, speed and ketamin Completly to try and make all of this stop. I did have a a bad experience with meth? My ex friend almost died on a bad gram we all shared of 'mdma' it turned out to be meth mixed with some other shit, and i did four lines so I'm not sure what that would've done. But my friend she told me she almost died and that it was my fault and I almost killed her but yeah that isn't important. IM SORRY ITS SO LONG BUT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME WHATS HAPPENING TO ME. I've never put it all into words before, I just need some advice or some sort of explanation please

 

[naialicexo1]

*edit*
and yes I do have a thread about trying lsd and e at a rave, just to explain this, after stopping drugs for a period of time did nothing to help I am continuing to use them.

 

[pasha]

Homeless -> The Dark Side

 

[Maya]

Hi op I would like to suggest for you to see a grief counselor. Also too, trying to stop pot might be a good idea and see if you feel better after some time. Im so sorry that you have lost your uncle and I know how difficult it is to lose someone dearest to you.

With regards to the untested mdma, i can somehow relate as I have never tested any of the drugs I took and had experienced nasty symptoms which lasted a year. I do believe that with complete abstinence that you will feel better it just takes some time. Cut out the angst and hate that you are feeling towards people that have hurt you easier said than done I know and tbh at times I do feel intense anger towards certain people but who am I stressing? Nobody but myself.

 

[herbavore]

It makes sense that you are in an altered state--grief is like that. Try to be with your feelings as they occur naturally--not altering them with being stoned all the time. The paranoia could be related to pot or completely unrelated to pot but give yourself the chance to find out by stopping for a good long while. You do not need that added layer right now. You need clarity and space to grieve openly.

Your mother is obviously not right about marijuana "killing" your uncle. You don't say how he died but I imagine the despair of living with schizophrenia might have played a major role? Your mother is just terribly frightened for you, her child, and so she is hoping that her fear will become your fear; it is a common parental mistake. To the best of your ability, avoid fear. You do not have to fear that you are "going crazy" but it is vital that you stop everything that could make you more vulnerable. Seeing a grief counselor, or any kind of counselor would be good for you.

Learning to deal with painful feelings is the hardest job of growing up. But it is something that you can dedicate your heart and mind to and it makes for a wonderful life. Mental suffering is caused by what happens to us that is not in our control (losing people we love) and by our reactions and responses to circumstances. Learning to accept your painful feelings as a part of life allows them to flow freely. Trying to avoid them always leads to more suffering.

Write about your Uncle. About who he was, what you remember. Let the tears come and allow for laughter at the same time. Appreciate that you had his love and that you gave him yours. This is early days for you and you don't need to fear the emotions and sensations that are coming up. Frame them differently in your mind. Instead of saying to yourself, "I'm going crazy" try saying, "I feel so lost right now". The first is a judgment you are making, the second is simply recognition of where you are right now. You will move through this much more easily if you avoid drugs. Spend time in nature. It's spring and all around you life is following a timeless cycle. Use your ability to see "every color in a blade of grass" as a way to transcend the tangle of your thoughts and simply be an observer--it's a good way to give the mind a necessary trip outside itself.

Stay well.