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I suddenly don't know what to do with my life anymore...

C

cardinas

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 22, 2010
Messages
18
Location
NJ
I graduated high school in 3 years (mostly because I wanted to get the hell out of my nowhere town/away from my crazy alcoholic mom) with a 3.7 GPA and was heavily involved in music - clarinet, piano, and singing. I went to a private college 5 hours from my home for a year majoring in Music Performance but the pressure was incredible and my clarinet teacher was a huge jerk and forbade me from playing at a concert because I had been having serious health problems and missed a rehearsal. Long story short, my year at that school was not so great for a lot of reasons including that, the distance, the cost, and the fact the school was very Christian and I'm very atheist.

I transferred to a public university 45 minutes from my home last year, still intending to major in Music Performance. Despite having anxiety issues, I had a fantastic audition and got a $2,000 a year scholarship. I dormed with my best friend and things were really looking up. Then, with hardly any notice, I was told I had to audition AGAIN for placement in the concert band and use a different piece. I tried my best to learn whatever it was I chose but in the end my lack of time and abundance of anxiety got the best of me. I was ranked two from last out of the clarinet section and in addition to being hurt and frustrated I had to play stupidly easy parts with people who had no idea what they were doing.

My best friend had been abusing my trust and kindness for a while and I couldn't take it anymore, so I cut ties with her and moved out. She was also extremely straight-edge and vicious about it, so once I was done with her I started experimenting with DXM (I credit it and help from my boyfriend for getting over depression), marijuana, salvia, alcohol, etc. I had a lot of realizations about my life and didn't want to be unhappy or pushed around anymore. I had another horrible clarinet teacher who liked to scream at me and got fed up with band too, so I quit both and switched to a Musical Studies major, which is like Performance but you don't have to take lessons. I added an Art minor, but my school keeps telling me I haven't paid when I have and locking me out of classes, so I haven't been able to take a single art class. I'm now somewhere between sophomore and junior with my amount of credits.

I've become really jaded with the way creative pursuits like music are turned into rote-learning all-consuming rigid BS in school. I used to want to play in an orchestra, but since I'm not going for Performance anymore I don't think I can, and I'm not sure if I really want to, either. Thankfully I'm in a band now and can sing and play bass guitar and keyboards, so I do still have music in my life.

**TL;DR*** To sum it up - drugs opened my eyes, tired of institutional drudgery, but want to be successful, happy, and financially independent. I'm interested in music, art (photography and poetry), computers, and animals. I have anxiety I still haven't managed to resolve and quit a telemarketing job after a day because I was so freaked out. My parents are forcing me to go to college, so dropping out isn't an option. Wtf do I do now? :(
 
i graduated early from h.s., went to a small private school on scholarship, majored in lit and english w/ intentions of going to grad school for mfa in creative writing. i was 20 when i got my B.A. and realized i had absolutely no real world skills to get a job that paid enough to support myself in a decent lifestyle.
so i went to a large public uni for 2 more yrs to get a BSN cuz as a RN i could get a job just about anywhere w/ decent pay and benefits.
*sigh*
so now it's 23 yrs later, i'm totally burned out on nursing, am currently on leave, paying a fortune for insurance through COBRA, and i really do not want to work in nursing anymore.
i have no clue what's next.
i've lost confidence in my writing ability but have taken small steps and had positive results. i've had a few things published in tiny anthologies which have been sold to raise money for "worthy causes" but it's a start.
imho, find something to do that is a real world in demand job that pays enough to support yourself then pursue your dream once your "day job" is steadily paying the bills.
best of luck to you.
-izzy
 
I was in a similar situation when I was a junior in undergrad; I had changed majors several times and still did not know what I wanted to be when I "grew up." One thing that really helped me was going to get career counseling on campus. It's free and those people get paid to help students all day. That being said, I didn't find my true calling until I got to talking to a random professor about the same situation and he turned me onto the field I'm in now.

You could do like Izzy said and get a regular job while doing music and art on the side, but it's a slippery slope and you might end up realizing 20 years later that you hate your job and wish you had done something different.

Have you thought about testing the waters of a college major outside of music? Not that you have to quit performing, but maybe find something you enjoy and are good at that will get you where you want to be in life. You mentioned photography and computers. Journalism and computer related programs have more "real world" applications than music, maybe you could think about looking into those as college majors.

Also, I may be wrong, but don't you have to audition for orchestra positions? I would think that if you're good enough they would not care if you didn't have a BFA in music.

It's a strange feeling realizing that college programs may not match up with your hopes and dreams, but you're not alone. I went through it and I know other people who went through it as well. I'm not necessarily saying you have to give up on music, but maybe open up your options a bit when it comes to choosing a college major and see if you find something else you like.

Good luck.
 
My advice would be to REALLY research different jobs, including talking to people who do those jobs to get a real understanding of day to day stuff.

My story - after many years of never having any idea what i wanted to do, someone mentioned to me occupational therapy. I had always dismissed it thinking it was just like physio or occupational rehab so had never looked into it as an option. I did some research, and spoke to a few OTs and turned out it was something that suited me perfectly. Now i'm just about to finish my course and start looking for a job.

I'd say just think about your interests and what you can do with them. And as was mentioned by someone else, see a carers counsellor. Personally I think it's best if you can find something you will enjoy as if it's something you have to do 8 hours a day 5 days a week it can be such a drain on your happiness when you are bored and/or hate your job!
 
My advice would be to REALLY research different jobs, including talking to people who do those jobs to get a real understanding of day to day stuff.

My story - after many years of never having any idea what i wanted to do, someone mentioned to me occupational therapy. I had always dismissed it thinking it was just like physio or occupational rehab so had never looked into it as an option. I did some research, and spoke to a few OTs and turned out it was something that suited me perfectly. Now i'm just about to finish my course and start looking for a job.

I'd say just think about your interests and what you can do with them. And as was mentioned by someone else, see a carers counsellor. Personally I think it's best if you can find something you will enjoy as if it's something you have to do 8 hours a day 5 days a week it can be such a drain on your happiness when you are bored and/or hate your job!
 
I know for a fact that there are private orchestras not affiliated with a school that you could get into if you do well during the audition.
There's LOTS of opportunity for musicians these days. Hell, you could make a unique video on Youtube while playing your clarinet and get noticed by thousands of people and asked to play concerts. Clarinet doesn't just have to be in an orchestra, but if that type of music is what you really love to play theres lots of different orchestras around the country.
I would suggest saving up money and traveling with your boyfriend or some good friends.
A wise man once said "You don't have to be where you're from." Maybe your area isn't right for you? I know where I live isn't right for me at all.
Another thing I suggest is working with a therapist about your anxiety problems. I find that CBT and/or DBT is a very worthwhile form of therapy and it cand definitely help you.
A therapist in addition to a career counselor and a decent part-time job I think you'll be fine.
I also suggest getting your Bachelors no matter what field of study it is. That will help you in so many ways for the rest of your life it's such a good investment.
A wise man once said "The best thing to get in debt over is education."
Just get an education in something you love, and if you don't like the dull orchestral programs find another field like Communications or Art or Psychology.
Being confused about your direction is VERY common and there is nothing wrong with you at all. I wish you luck!
 
I lost interest in the educational system my junior year of high school, needless to say, I barely graduated high school. After 10 years of stagnation in the form of making music, I finally decided that it was not the right life for me. Since, I have gone back to college, and am easily scoring a 4.0 gpa, just because I have learned patience, anxiety-coping mechanisms and the depressing limitations of working dead end jobs. I honestly am glad that I took the time off, because I was unfocused when I was coming out of high school, and had a great amount of misanthrope that simply wouldn't allow me to adapt to any societal demands beyond paying for rent and food.

I see that you are learning to understand that failure should be a welcome part of life. Coping with failure and the limitations that our human bodies impose on us, are the ultimate measures of our strength and capability. Life is filled with periods of success mingling with periods of failure, for the vast majority of us, and just because you have failed in your life, does not mean that you will not be "great". In fact, it is through failure that we all can connect on the most profound level with each other, at least for those of us that have the capacity for compassion.

So, don't worry about other people's expectations. College is not a necessity, you can always work at a factory instead. A lot of artists and musicians that I know have always considered art institutes and music programs in colleges to be complete wastes of money, time and effort. It is much easier to study music and art on your own, especially with the internet being as ubiquitous as it is today. I hope you find that your path in life is where you want it to be soon.
 
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