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I still hate myself, but I dont want to die (today anyway)

N

NOLA

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 26, 2012
Messages
60
Location
New Orleans, Louisiana
I apologize I abandoned my previous thread but I wasnt sure how to accurately convey whats going on inside my head in any manner that I hadnt already done so. I dont mind repeating myself or anything, it just seemed that the instigator in my entire situation (intrusive thoughts) was being glossed over and everything being attributed to depression. Of course Im depressed. Who wouldnt be with the shit going through their head that floats around in mine?

That plus many ppl seeming to want to blame the opiate addiction for the depression issues had me incredibly frustrated that I couldnt seem to get through that the issue WAS depression.....but depression is the natural result of INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS which I use opiates to calm (to calm the intrusive thoughts....not the depression). At any rate, I suspect many of you felt I was hanging onto any reason to use and making excuses and I can see where you might feel that way. Its not an easy thing for me to understand let alone explain to otheers. That coupled with the fact that its a tiny tiny percentage of people who actually have something in their lives going on worse than a severe addiction to heroin/oxymorphone makes it unimaginable to many that being an addict could actually be the better of two alternatives. Im thankful that nearly no one understands that position since being a severe addict is hell in its own right and trying to contemplate something worse is something only available to the few people who are in that position. Its an ongoing issue that wont go away.

At any rate, Im sure many of you felt I was full of shit when I said I would quit opiates if there was a 2% improvement in my overall life. I cant say that there will be but its been a while since I checked on that alternative and am prepared to do so. Its spring, its full on Mardi Gras season.....pretty shitty time to make my exit. Full on rehab isnt an option as the industry Im in is pretty much closed meaning everyone knows everyone and Id never work in this town again. Leaving New Orleans I suppose is an option but one Im unwilling to even consider. Ive worked/lived/travelled all over and I belong here. Id rather be the me I am now (severely addicted to heroin, morbidly depressed, utterly mind fucked, suicidal half if not more of the time, oxymorphone fiend, quasi lunatic) in New Orleans than a perfect anything anywhere else.

So after two methadone trips that ended poorly, Im curious what any of you have to say about suboxone. Anyone whos done both trips with subs and done would be immensely helpful. I can of course go back the methadone route but Im not sure why I would expect a different outcome this time. Can anyone comment on the effectiveness vs side effects of subs vs methadone?

I need to move pretty fast with this. Bipolar isnt an issue at the moment which is the difference between morbidly depressed and just depressed which can be worked around. I havent felt this positive in a long ass time. Im absolutely fucking terrified about the intrusive thoughts getting more severe but for the moment have the strenght to ignore that fear with the hopes that something may acutally turn out for the better. Sadly, I dont know when the bipolar will hit again and I feel I need to deal with this before the week ends or I may end up back to the point where I dont care enough to try.

Any input would be much appreciated. All your support from my plea for sanity and help over this past weekend very likely kept me alive to write this today and Im not kidding at all. If any change is going to take place this is the time. Please advise what your experiences with suboxone vs methadone and Ill be forever in your debt (most likely anyway....unless you give shitty advice). That last part was a joke. see, I have a sense of humor and Im single on valentines day. That should count for something.
 
Also, credit to EyesthesieoftheMoon. I read your post at least 50 times in the last three days. This is my small list. I cant stop the shit in my head but I can stop drowning in heroin. Like you said, put it down and do something productive. I realize I wont be able to simply put it down where I am now but thats where the suboxone/methadone issue comes in. If all I manage to do in 2012 is get off heroin and opana Ill have had a good year. And in 2013 if the intrusive thoughts are back with the heinous vengence theyve brought during sober periods Im not going to lie....Ill be right back on heroin. But Im willing to invest 10 months in giving some other outcome an opportunity. God help me.
 
You need to put your recovery first.

You say full on rehab isn't an option because of your worry about people in your industry would never hire you again if the word came out, thats a poor excuse. Maybe it is true, if you don't mind me asking what industry is this?

If the industry in question wouldn't be understanding of the disease of addiction you're suffering from and the real care needed to get past it, you're better off finding a completely different line of work....in recovery this is sometimes needed.

There is a rather close rehab in the area called ARNO, its not the best but its something....any step towards recovery,is one well taken.
 
Hey Nola, I'm glad to hear you don't want to die but I am sorry things are still hard <3

I think Suboxone is a very good idea. A lot of people prefer it over methadone - less zombifying, easier to taper off, and it has some degree of antidepressant action in some people too. There are some threads in Other Drugs which you may find interesting - Suboxone megathread and Suboxone vs methadone megathread :)

Really glad you are still around love, keep talking to us as much as you need to. It is very courageous of you to want to give kicking opioids a chance given everything else you have going on, but I think it really is worth a shot <3
 
NOLA said:
Also, credit to EyesthesieoftheMoon. I read your post at least 50 times in the last three days. This is my small list. I cant stop the shit in my head but I can stop drowning in heroin. Like you said, put it down and do something productive. I realize I wont be able to simply put it down where I am now but thats where the suboxone/methadone issue comes in. If all I manage to do in 2012 is get off heroin and opana Ill have had a good year. And in 2013 if the intrusive thoughts are back with the heinous vengence theyve brought during sober periods Im not going to lie....Ill be right back on heroin. But Im willing to invest 10 months in giving some other outcome an opportunity. God help me.
Click to expand...

well are you really sure you want to go away from heroin an instead take methadone? Why dont you just stop the madness then i promise you for next valintines day youll have a date :) <3 . sorry for my last stpid post in the other threaf i still get of from the side effeks of dxm sometimes. It doesnt make ,me feel difrent but it does make me act diffrent. I belive in you and i know you can do it nola. please keep us updated with everything or atleast me because i am very intrested :) I know you can do it!
 
woops stupid me I forgot that methadone was only for helping you stop i understood wrong and thought you were just moving to a nother drug.... Maby moving from new orleans might be a good idea. Getting away from the dealers around you. Plus you'd have an excuse to go to rehab. But its your desishion.
 
Lars I understand that English is not your first language, and I congratulate you on understanding it as well as you do, but you keep mis-interpreting things that Nola has said, you think he has said one thing meanwhile he said the opposite.

Nola, I know I haven't responded to your thread/s as yet, but I have been reading, and thinking about you. I prayed for you last night, and I'm not a religious person at all. Stay safe and take care man, I'll be here watching, and responding occasionally. <3
 
flyonth3wall said:
Lars I understand that English is not your first language, and I congratulate you on understanding it as well as you do, but you keep mis-interpreting things that Nola has said, you think he has said one thing meanwhile he said the opposite.

Nola, I know I haven't responded to your thread/s as yet, but I have been reading, and thinking about you. I prayed for you last night, and I'm not a religious person at all. Stay safe and take care man, I'll be here watching, and responding occasionally. <3
Click to expand...

I corrected my slef and I only want him to feel better. I meen if your not doing so well the alst thing you want to see is that nobody cares and I do undertand... I know wha the meens.
 
Decided to just go old school cold turkey. My last two methadone experiences were less than optimal. So......after posting this thread I got a bottle of valium, immodium, 2 oz of kind bud and 90 methadone wafers to help with the first few days.

Im happy to say Im now two weeks clean! No drugs period except Klonopin, Adderall and Luvox for the psychiatric bs. But no opiates of any kind in two weeks. No weed. No alcohol. I ended up taking off a week and a half from work and experienced the closest thing to death I can imagine without dying. The first day back was like my first day ever....felt remarkably out of place.

I wish I could say things are all sunshine and lollipops but its still tough as hell and i expect it to be for a pretty good while.

Things you notice after stopping massive quantities of opiates:

1. I suddenly have an extra $1000 a week though I have no desire to leave the house and spend it
2. Time seems vast and endless. Days last weeks and a week seems to be a month. The minutia of time seems heavy and thick and descends on me where it hovers non stop.
3. Senses recover first....Im an emotional wreck...then I have no emotions whatsoever
4. All I think about is oxymorphone, heroin and orange capped syringes
5. Ten years of track marks fade into indistinguishable purple and blue marks running the lenght of my arms from shoulder to just under my cuff..but it looks more like I got my arms beaten rather than shooting them full of dope.
6. I still have no desire to talk to my parents because the shame of being a junkie is more severe the weeks after you quit than it was while I was using
7. I suddenly have the urge to eat at least twice a day
8. TV is even more boring
9. My dogs seem to enjoy the extra hour they get to walk each day while I clear my mind...but its a serious comittment to take them outside for some reason.
10. My body aches as though Im 50 instead of 35
11. I cleaned my house and for some reason feel like it should remain that way
12. I hate everyone and everything OR I cry for no reason. No other emotions seem to be present
13. I want to smoke weed more than ever (but dont)
14. There are actually 28 hours between 7am and 5pm
15. Books no longer seem interesting
16. Art seems pointless
17. Intrusive thoughts take no vacation....but I wasnt sleeping anyway from the detox and, sadly, the detox was worse.
18. I have less desire to live today than I did before I quit but theres a strange sense of the possibility of things changing....not so on dope (at least not as far gone as I was)
19. This town is drowning in heroin and I suddenly find myself avoiding 15 ppl a day.
20. Ive realized I have no real freinds....co workers and the same 15 dealers/scam artists mentioned in 19 above.
21. You can actually see what a frail body you have. Ive seen myself in the mirror daily but now I actually can see. Drugs were food there for a long ass while. Will take some time to get my sunken eye sockets to fill back out.

Wish I had more to say. To paraphrase this sucks beyond belief. The only good part is Im fully aware its gonna be another 6 weeks before I resume to any semblance of normal and have resigned myself to that fact.

All in all though, I honestly didnt think Id make it. I checked into a hotel 45 miles away and left my cell at home to make sure I didnt relapse before I fully detoxed. Probably the best decision ever as had I been in NOLA I have no doubt I wouldnt have made it. It feels good not to be clean due to bupe or methadone too. Yeah, this sucks indiscribably....but at least its a real effort rather than a cop out (I did methadone myself twice....no offense to anyone who chose that path...just not for me this time).

Will I make it? Who the hell knows. But making it this far has to count for something. Thank God for work so I can keep my mind on other things at least 10 hours a day. Would LOVE to get a decent nights sleep though.

Anyway, will do a better job later. Having a hard time getting motivated to do much of anything right now. But at least Im bored and not nodded out.

Thanks for all your support. Give me another week or so and Im sure Ill be in a better mood and capable of helping others do what Im trying to do. For now all I want to do is crawl under the table and wait it out till work ends so I can take a long hot bath and lay in bed awake until tomorrow comes.....
 
NOLA said:
Things you notice after stopping massive quantities of opiates:

1. I suddenly have an extra $1000 a week though I have no desire to leave the house and spend it
Because you've wisened up. Time to save it up and spend it on more expensive things that actually matter.

2. Time seems vast and endless. Days last weeks and a week seems to be a month. The minutia of time seems heavy and thick and descends on me where it hovers non stop.
No stopping that. Use it to your advantage. And they say life is short. :\

3. Senses recover first....Im an emotional wreck...then I have no emotions whatsoever
This will fade. I'm still in it myself, but it's going away.

4. All I think about is oxymorphone, heroin and orange capped syringes
I stopped doing this after completely cleaning out my house and realizing half my trashbag was full of orange caps. Fuck that, don't miss it at all. I still think about nods every now and then, but I honestly do not miss it anymore. Whenever the thought pops into my head I just think about how all the bad far outweighed the good.

5. Ten years of track marks fade into indistinguishable purple and blue marks running the lenght of my arms from shoulder to just under my cuff..but it looks more like I got my arms beaten rather than shooting them full of dope.
No need to worry about long sleeve shirts anymore obviously. You no longer have nothing to hide.

6. I still have no desire to talk to my parents because the shame of being a junkie is more severe the weeks after you quit than it was while I was using
This fades. You will most likely eventually tell them all about your past life.

7. I suddenly have the urge to eat at least twice a day
Twinz! lol

8. TV is even more boring
Find new TV shows. I feel you man. Do something else when it gets that bad. You are above the fold, so get with it.

9. My dogs seem to enjoy the extra hour they get to walk each day while I clear my mind...but its a serious comittment to take them outside for some reason.
It's a serious comittment because you are still in early recovery. Don't beat yourself up. I'm surprised you take them out at all. Keep it up, as it only gets easier and a lot better.. better than when you were on dope.

10. My body aches as though Im 50 instead of 35
Because your muscles have turned into jelly. Start exercising daily. Your body needs time to restore it's natural flow of endorphines too, which kill pain. Dope temporarily completely highjacked this.

11. I cleaned my house and for some reason feel like it should remain that way
Fucking A

12. I hate everyone and everything OR I cry for no reason. No other emotions seem to be present
This is just another temporary part of recovery. Just do what feels right, but don't be an asshole. There is a difference between anger/holstility and being honest. Most people do not understand this. Let your so-called friends and god regret the rest.

13. I want to smoke weed more than ever (but dont)
I actually don't have a big problem with this aspect but I know what you mean. I'm personally staying away from weed in the meantime myself, but I don't really have to. If it's a problem for you though, do not smoke it. It used to trigger me to relapse all the time. I live in Cali though, so being able to select the exact strain that does me good and is world top-quality changes a lot of things.

14. There are actually 28 hours between 7am and 5pm
Lol, no kidding?

15. Books no longer seem interesting
Then write one

16. Art seems pointless
This, like the books thing is temporary imo. You're just waking up and growing up. Leave the bad art in the dust.

17. Intrusive thoughts take no vacation....but I wasnt sleeping anyway from the detox and, sadly, the detox was worse.
Another thing that will fade with time. You've been living your past life with horse blinders. You will eventually use this to your advantage, and they won't be intrusive, but an ally. You'll eventually know what I mean.

18. I have less desire to live today than I did before I quit but theres a strange sense of the possibility of things changing....not so on dope (at least not as far gone as I was)
Nothing changes on dope obviously, and nothing can be gained or built upon. It's a good feeling this sobriety no? Life isn't supposed to be easy. You've been on vacation a long time. It doesn't however mean life isn't an epic thrill ride.

19. This town is drowning in heroin and I suddenly find myself avoiding 15 ppl a day.
Welcome to the club. Even if heroin was relegalized, I would not be using it. Another level and all that jazz. You will get calls and knocks on the door from a lot of them for some time, until you strait up tell them to never speak to you again. They will even offer you free works, so be prepared.

20. Ive realized I have no real freinds....co workers and the same 15 dealers/scam artists mentioned in 19 above.
This reminds me of what you said about art, TV and books. lol, it makes sense when you think about it. Move on dude. You've been given a second chance, or technically, finally your first.

21. You can actually see what a frail body you have. Ive seen myself in the mirror daily but now I actually can see. Drugs were food there for a long ass while. Will take some time to get my sunken eye sockets to fill back out.
You said it yourself... will and time. ..Speaking of will.. when there is a will there's a way/ fucking A. Good job.
Click to expand...

It's never too late to be whom/what you might have been.
I really enjoyed reading this and responding to it. -Cheers
 
I've haven't had any dope in 6 days now. Amphs and pot help me not think about being sick. Good post, I can relate to a lot of it. I wish you luck getting off that evil
shiet.
 
^I still use both of those on and off too. Amps used correctly and in moderation are very useful, legal and prescribed by doctors, and in California, so is cannabis. Technically pretty much any drug should be able to be prescribed by a doctor.
 
Dex, I needed that. I just got to the point where Im able (not comfortable...able) to face home again. I love where I live with all my heart. Its the culmination of all my passions. Art and literature and architecture and history and culture and the obscene and the holy, which are one large pool of infinite water flowing since time began to the present each complimenting the other in ways none can do on their own creating a unique place in the world and in my heart. It doesnt judge me...just feed me. Thing is, I feel like a tourist here. I cant see the beauty in art let alone create my own. I pick up books and hold them a half hour then guiltily put them down without cracking a page. Id rather mope around the house than get my camera and go to the quarter and scout places to paint, people watch, capture peoples expressions of joy and sorrow when they think no one is watching. That shit used to get me hard and get me to tears at the same time. Capturing a picture so beautiful yet so perfectly timed with the utmost emotion, movement etc. is a joy few know. Thats the draw NOLA has to me. My artistic side.

Thing is, like Eyesthesizeofthemoon said in the last thread, I cant seem to join them on any level. Theres no joy in art, architecture, photography, etc. but i manage to chill on Decatur or Esplanade and watch the people pass just to get out of the house. And all I want is to smile like one of them just once. I smile to be certain. But its the kind of smile that is on par with saying "everything was just fine" after a mediocre meal cause to not smile is to be rude. I want a genuine moment of happiness and I see it literally all around me. Im in my own very Eden and Im still so void of any emotion other than the two extremes that they seem like watching foreigners wandering in my own back yard. I cant seem to relate to any of their interactions with each other, the love they share, the time they honest to God enjoy spending together just sitting in the grass in Jackson Square. It makes me feel more of an outsider than anything Ive ever experienced before. See, on junk, you are an outsider. You just either never notice or dont give a shit. Now Im patently aware Im the same person I was three weeks ago only now I actually perceive the goings on in my environment. More specifically, my unfortunate physical location in my enviornment....right in the thick of it all. And i know i dont belong there.

Thats how its been happeing. One minute everythings peachy as can be (read: shitty as all hell but not morbid to the point of hibernation) and Im out attempting to reintroduce myself to the real world and the next anxiety sets in and I flee to the safety of my home. Then I think about drugs.

I say all this not to garnish sympathy. I appreciate all your well wishes and honestly need them. Of all my artistic endeavors writing has never been one of the best. Im attempting to describe how the mundane normal existence of the ordinary world we inhabit suddenly seem like an alien world to me. The dope had its good points to be certain. But like losing hair on the back of your head....you never notice things going to shit. I never felt out of place while on dope. Now that Im sober amongst the sober things are bizarre in a way I hadnt expected. Its hard to discern whats real and whats not from time to time....not in a schitzo way or anything....but things are SO different today.

Its truly unreal how different life is on and off dope. its not just simply being a hermit and shooting up all the time (Im leaving my OCD out of this purposely as Im attempting to describe sobriety vs serious opiate addiction which isnt particular to my specific disease. A dope heads a dope head and I have a feeling the shit Im struggling with is universal amongst junkies attempting to reform regardless of any extenuating circumstances) but its a complete and utter disconnect from the reality "normal" people exist in.

I watch a family from Missouri walking down the riverwalk while I smoke on a bench. The kids fight over the cotton candy ever so politely but not so polite you cant tell its a fight more so than an amicable discussion over who gets which half. Then they drop it in the melee. Then, inexplicably, all four laugh. Why didnt I see that coming. I dont know if i expected them to break out into a ridiculous brawl over it. But I couldnt believe laughter was warranted by that. It struck me how out of touch Ive become that I would have reacted differently whilst on vacation over a dropped piece of 3.00 whipped sugar.

Its gonna take a while. But recognizing how far Ive regressed is a good step and makes me want to push forward. Im actually angry with myself for haivng no actual feelings for so long but have a hard time being too mad at myself since i never intended to disconnect. Nobody tells you when you first start out that once you become a full fledged junkie you disconnect from the world the normal people live in and start to use "junkie logic".

I remember getting ready to go to pick up my girlfriend in Lafayette one weekend (2-2.5 hours from New Orleans). As i was packing and about to walk out the following dialogue transpired:

Freind: You heading out
Me: Yeah, my girls cars broken so I need to go to Lafayette and bring her here for the weekend (she was in grad school)
Freind: You wanna push off before you go?
Me: I dont know....its a pretty long ride.
Freind: yeah, i know. Thats what I meant. Its a pretty long ride.
Me: Fuck, your right. Itll be freaking 7:00 at the earliest with traffic in Baton Rouge. Good thinking

We both proceeded to shoot up 15mg of opana and five minutes later I drove to Lafayette. Junkie Logic. Im amazed today at how that could have ever made any sense to anyone who wasnt a junkie him/herself. Common sense to normal people would say "dont you dare...or certainly not behind the wheel". Junkie logic says "Damn, thats a pretty long ride. Would be foolish not to get ready for it".

I know im rambling and ill stop. I just am suddenly realizing how incredibly out of touch with reality I was and am flabbergasted that I managed to have such normal working relations etc. while completely missing what life was actually all about.

Id give anything at this point to be a part of it and not an observer. But that takes time. Luckily a reforming junkie has time if nothing else.
 
Last edited:
hey NOLA glad to see your still hanging in there, I read your other thread/blog and you've got a long dark road ahead of you, but just remember that it is the road to recovery. What you need is some stability, and I believe drugs will only aggravate your problems in your situation, especially self-medicating.

I don't know too much about buprenorphine having little experience with it, but I know a bit more about methadone. I think you should try subs first and methadone as the very last line of treatment. It's important to be honest with your maintenance doctors so they know what your tolerance is and what your dosing will be.


Hang in there buddy!
 
NOLA said:
Dex, I needed that. I just got to the point where Im able (not comfortable...able) to face home again. I love where I live with all my heart. Its the culmination of all my passions. Art and literature and architecture and history and culture and the obscene and the holy, which are one large pool of infinite water flowing since time began to the present each complimenting the other in ways none can do on their own creating a unique place in the world and in my heart. It doesnt judge me...just feed me. Thing is, I feel like a tourist here. I cant see the beauty in art let alone create my own. I pick up books and hold them a half hour then guiltily put them down without cracking a page. Id rather mope around the house than get my camera and go to the quarter and scout places to paint, people watch, capture peoples expressions of joy and sorrow when they think no one is watching. That shit used to get me hard and get me to tears at the same time. Capturing a picture so beautiful yet so perfectly timed with the utmost emotion, movement etc. is a joy few know. Thats the draw NOLA has to me. My artistic side.

Thing is, like Eyesthesizeofthemoon said in the last thread, I cant seem to join them on any level. Theres no joy in art, architecture, photography, etc. but i manage to chill on Decatur or Esplanade and watch the people pass just to get out of the house. And all I want is to smile like one of them just once. I smile to be certain. But its the kind of smile that is on par with saying "everything was just fine" after a mediocre meal cause to not smile is to be rude. I want a genuine moment of happiness and I see it literally all around me. Im in my own very Eden and Im still so void of any emotion other than the two extremes that they seem like watching foreigners wandering in my own back yard. I cant seem to relate to any of their interactions with each other, the love they share, the time they honest to God enjoy spending together just sitting in the grass in Jackson Square. It makes me feel more of an outsider than anything Ive ever experienced before. See, on junk, you are an outsider. You just either never notice or dont give a shit. Now Im patently aware Im the same person I was three weeks ago only now I actually perceive the goings on in my environment. More specifically, my unfortunate physical location in my enviornment....right in the thick of it all. And i know i dont belong there.

Thats how its been happeing. One minute everythings peachy as can be (read: shitty as all hell but not morbid to the point of hibernation) and Im out attempting to reintroduce myself to the real world and the next anxiety sets in and I flee to the safety of my home. Then I think about drugs.

I say all this not to garnish sympathy. I appreciate all your well wishes and honestly need them. Of all my artistic endeavors writing has never been one of the best. Im attempting to describe how the mundane normal existence of the ordinary world we inhabit suddenly seem like an alien world to me. The dope had its good points to be certain. But like losing hair on the back of your head....you never notice things going to shit. I never felt out of place while on dope. Now that Im sober amongst the sober things are bizarre in a way I hadnt expected. Its hard to discern whats real and whats not from time to time....not in a schitzo way or anything....but things are SO different today.

Its truly unreal how different life is on and off dope. its not just simply being a hermit and shooting up all the time (Im leaving my OCD out of this purposely as Im attempting to describe sobriety vs serious opiate addiction which isnt particular to my specific disease. A dope heads a dope head and I have a feeling the shit Im struggling with is universal amongst junkies attempting to reform regardless of any extenuating circumstances) but its a complete and utter disconnect from the reality "normal" people exist in.

I watch a family from Missouri walking down the riverwalk while I smoke on a bench. The kids fight over the cotton candy ever so politely but not so polite you cant tell its a fight more so than an amicable discussion over who gets which half. Then they drop it in the melee. Then, inexplicably, all four laugh. Why didnt I see that coming. I dont know if i expected them to break out into a ridiculous brawl over it. But I couldnt believe laughter was warranted by that. It struck me how out of touch Ive become that I would have reacted differently whilst on vacation over a dropped piece of 3.00 whipped sugar.

Its gonna take a while. But recognizing how far Ive regressed is a good step and makes me want to push forward. Im actually angry with myself for haivng no actual feelings for so long but have a hard time being too mad at myself since i never intended to disconnect. Nobody tells you when you first start out that once you become a full fledged junkie you disconnect from the world the normal people live in and start to use "junkie logic".

I remember getting ready to go to pick up my girlfriend in Lafayette one weekend (2-2.5 hours from New Orleans). As i was packing and about to walk out the following dialogue transpired:

Freind: You heading out
Me: Yeah, my girls cars broken so I need to go to Lafayette and bring her here for the weekend (she was in grad school)
Freind: You wanna push off before you go?
Me: I dont know....its a pretty long ride.
Freind: yeah, i know. Thats what I meant. Its a pretty long ride.
Me: Fuck, your right. Itll be freaking 7:00 at the earliest with traffic in Baton Rouge. Good thinking

We both proceeded to shoot up 15mg of opana and five minutes later I drove to Lafayette. Junkie Logic. Im amazed today at how that could have ever made any sense to anyone who wasnt a junkie him/herself. Common sense to normal people would say "dont you dare...or certainly not behind the wheel". Junkie logic says "Damn, thats a pretty long ride. Would be foolish not to get ready for it".

I know im rambling and ill stop. I just am suddenly realizing how incredibly out of touch with reality I was and am flabbergasted that I managed to have such normal working relations etc. while completely missing what life was actually all about.

Id give anything at this point to be a part of it and not an observer. But that takes time. Luckily a reforming junkie has time if nothing else.
Click to expand...

You're a good writer man. I would start leaving out the "i'm sorrys" and "I'm rambling" crap though. Leave those out and see how much better your thought stream develops into.

I would give you further advice, but I honestly don't think you really need it, aside from telling you to keep writing.
It's a long ride indeed. %)
 
Yes, NOLA you are a very skilled writer. You could and should write a book. Maybe writing a book about your life will help you deal with some of your underlying issues. I don't know, just a suggestion.
 
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