I shouldn't be here

[EDVBasicsRicePops]

I’m probably the type of person who, if you met me, would be the last you’d expect to be joining a forum like this. I’ve never taken an illegal drug, have been drunk just once in my life and have never smoked a cigarette. But I’ve had a terrible life full of terrible things. One bad thing, though in no way the worst, is a progressive neurological disease that began when I was a teenager and is steadily destroying every part of my body. And somewhere along the way of getting sick, I got addicted to codeine, prescribed by my doctors.

I’ve become quite tolerant to it, in the physical sense. Sometimes I take breaks from it to reduce my tolerance. I can still restrain myself from taking it when I want to, even when I have plenty to hand, which I do every now and then to test the level of my addiction. But some of my motivations for taking it are definitely not those intended by my doctors. Yes, it makes me feel much better physically (and not just from stopping withdrawal symptoms). It does relieve pain a little bit, but mostly I take it because it gives me a boost of energy, and energy is something I lack to an extent that a healthy young person couldn’t understand. Codeine gives me the energy to do basic things without everything requiring an overwhelming effort. I told my doctors about this effect, and they didn’t think I’d got it right because, they said, codeine is a sedative, but I’ve had enough opportunities over the years to see the correlation and I’m confident I’m not mistaken.

But I don’t just take it for energy; I take it to help my mood. While it gives me physical energy and a kind of buzz, it somehow manages to calm me down as well. I take it when I’m angry or when I’m bored. And I don’t take one 30mg pill at a time like I’m supposed to – I’ll take anywhere up to about eight 30mg pills in one go. Taking one at a time seems a waste because it doesn’t do anything then, even when I’ve had a break and my tolerance is lower. My doctors know that I don’t take it as I should. I recognise many tendencies of addicts in my thoughts and behaviour surrounding my codeine use, but I’m pretty open about it. My doctors kind of turn a blind-eye; I guess they think the severity of my illness makes it more understandable.

So this is how I ended up finding this forum, but I have been reading a lot of other threads out of curiosity. To be honest, I find it hard to understand why people experiment with drugs if they have a life which is ok. My health is a lost cause, so I am willing to take risks with medication that, if I was healthy and had a normal life, I would not, and as far as I (and my doctors) know, I do not seem to be suffering any physical damage from taking codeine. I’m also not sure how people dare to do something illegal for what seems to me as, in many cases, relatively little gain. I know many of the laws around drugs are arbitrary, and suspect there is a lot of potential benefits that could be provided by drugs which are being missed out on because of laws or because the drugs have been stereotyped as dangerous. Legal medications have done more for me than I ever thought possible, in treating both physical and mental aspects; in addition to codeine I’m prescribed an anti-depressant which has changed me completely – for the better, and medication has caused some of my physical problems to vanish, so I’m very much in favour of increasing research into drugs regarding both their physical and mental effects, including searching for the potential benefits of drugs that are currently classed as illegal. But as things stand with current research and legality, experimenting on oneself with drugs where there is little known about what is being taken and what its effects could be seems incredibly risky. So clearly I’m missing something, and I’d like to try to understand other people’s views on drugs, and learn more about the physiological processes that are going on with my own use of codeine, in particular the mental effects and the ability to feel more energetic from taking a sedative.

I realise that people here may read this and expect me to act superior or be judgemental about recreational drug-taking. I don’t intend to be like that, I hope to just find some information from people who know a lot more about drug use than I do. I probably know more than most lay-people about many prescription medications, but the extent of my knowledge of any remotely illegal drug-use, including the cultures surrounding it, comes solely from watching Breaking Bad. So I have a lot to learn.

 

[flyhighk]

Hello
I don't think you'll get much help in this section, so feel free to post in other forums...
If you'd like to know more about codeine and how it may negatively affect you, check Other Drugs
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/forums/58-Other-Drugs

Drug culture is the place to discuss why healthy people take drugs and the cultures surrounding drug use
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/forums/76-Drug-Culture

Wanna discuss your condition and how it affects your daily life ? Check TDS or HL
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/forums/47-The-Dark-Side
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/forums/161-Healthy-Living

I hope this helps.

 

[angeleyes]

Wow that was intense.

Don't think that you don't belong here, we're a community with a bit more depth than what it may just seem on the outside. Check out some of the focus forums, you'll catch some caring people around here I'm sure of it.

 

[The Doc.]

People do drugs for the exact reason you do they are in pain.
We all are in pain.


Stay a while learn some things there's a lot more to drugs than you see on breaking bad.
I used to be the Walter white of heroin hahaha

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Welcome to BL!

There's plenty of resources here for everyone, medicinal or recreational.

Much , and I hope you enjoy the forums

 

[EDVBasicsRicePops]

Thank you all for the welcomes and links.

 

[EDVBasicsRicePops]

People do drugs for the exact reason you do they are in pain.
We all are in pain.

But is everyone taking illegal drugs (or legal prescription drugs in ways other than those intended by doctors) in pain? I take codeine for both physical and mental pain, and I completely understand people taking it for mental pain only, though it does seem to be taking good health for granted a bit. But I said I don't understand people who take drugs when they have an ok life - people with major problems, I get that, but people with everyday lives and everyday problems - surely not every drug user is motivated by having a bad life? Or is this one of the misconceptions that I've picked up somewhere?

 

[GoAskAlice79]

it can start as a doc giving you legitimate meds you need. You take it how you should, it's starts not working properly because you build tolerance. So now you take a little more for your pain. It is a snowball effect until you end up taking it because you really hurt (from the withdraw) and really really hurt from the actual condition you get a script for. Don't feel like you don't belong here

 

[The Doc.]

But is everyone taking illegal drugs (or legal prescription drugs in ways other than those intended by doctors) in pain? I take codeine for both physical and mental pain, and I completely understand people taking it for mental pain only, though it does seem to be taking good health for granted a bit. But I said I don't understand people who take drugs when they have an ok life - people with major problems, I get that, but people with everyday lives and everyday problems - surely not every drug user is motivated by having a bad life? Or is this one of the misconceptions that I've picked up somewhere?

On the outside those people may seem happy but inside they are not fuffilled /bored with life so they escape by using drugs.

 

[BlueIV]

I'm not addicted to anything, and I came here to learn more about how to administer a medication I need to be reasonably healthy. I felt a bit funny about joining, but most of the comments have been useful or positive. There were a few negative ones due to a misunderstanding, but we worked that out and I ended up adopted by that poster

 

[ComfortablyNumb95]

Hi and welcome to Bluelight
honestly, I use drugs mostly to try something knew every now and then and (I know it sounds stupid) out of boredom.

I'm perfectly fine with being sober, in fact I have a good life and don't use drugs a lot, there is the occasional smoke during the week and the occasional "hard drug" on the weekend.

I'm here mainly to learn about drugs because it's an interesting topic and to help other fellow drug users with my knowledge.

cheers

 

[EDVBasicsRicePops]

On the outside those people may seem happy but inside they are not fuffilled /bored with life so they escape by using drugs.

Well this is what I don't get. And not just in relation to drug-taking - I've heard many times from many people that people may look happy on the outside but that they all have problems underneath. But they don't. When I say I take Codeine to relieve boredom, I mean the boredom of lying in a hospital bed day after day after day after day... When I say I take it when I feel angry, I don't mean the anger of having an argument with someone - I mean the anger of being put through years of sexual and emotional abuse. If I weren't so scared of breaking laws or getting into some other kind of mess with illegal drugs (not that I have the first idea where I'd get illegal drugs even if I wanted them), it would be to get away from the pathetic state in which I'm in - that of being a young adult who can't work, can't have children, has no partner and relies on her parents for carers. My mum has to help me shower and dress. She'd have to help me use the loo too if it weren't for the fact I have a stoma (waste comes out of a surgical opening in the side of my stomach into a bag so I never go to the toilet in the normal way). And that's really just scratching the surface of what I've been through and what I'm living with.

I guess my idea of the kind of problems worth getting upset over or taking drugs to escape from come from a very extreme perspective. I just find it hard to imagine that every recreational drug user has big problems, so there must be other motivational factors.

 

[EDVBasicsRicePops]

Hi and welcome to Bluelight
honestly, I use drugs mostly to try something knew every now and then and (I know it sounds stupid) out of boredom.

I'm perfectly fine with being sober, in fact I have a good life and don't use drugs a lot, there is the occasional smoke during the week and the occasional "hard drug" on the weekend.

I'm here mainly to learn about drugs because it's an interesting topic and to help other fellow drug users with my knowledge.

cheers

I'm guess you don't use particularly dangerous drugs or ones that are liable to end up with extreme addiction? Aren't there legal ways of relieving boredom that would have similar effects for you? E.g. getting moderately drunk? If you're fine with being sober, why take the risk? Are there no new experiences that don't pose so much of a health risk? Or are you confident that the drugs you use are pretty safe? Sorry for all the questions, I'd just like to try and understand where you're coming from. I also don't know much about how dangerous many illegal drugs actually are, only that there's a huge range from being probably less of a health risk than alcohol up to putting your life at risk.

 

[GodandLove]

Sup

Ad me as a friend dawg

 

[ComfortablyNumb95]

I'm guess you don't use particularly dangerous drugs or ones that are liable to end up with extreme addiction? Aren't there legal ways of relieving boredom that would have similar effects for you? E.g. getting moderately drunk? If you're fine with being sober, why take the risk? Are there no new experiences that don't pose so much of a health risk? Or are you confident that the drugs you use are pretty safe? Sorry for all the questions, I'd just like to try and understand where you're coming from. I also don't know much about how dangerous many illegal drugs actually are, only that there's a huge range from being probably less of a health risk than alcohol up to putting your life at risk.

hey, don't worry, your questions don't bother me

I'm a VERY careful when it comes to drugs.
I (almost) never do combos and if I do I make sure it's something safe (like benzos and weed) and keep the doses low. I don't really use addictive drugs, well I've been using opiates sometimes from november I think? but I always use the "least" addictive ones like methadone or buprenorphine and use very seldom. like I've used maybe 5-6 times since november, and I know that I'm not a special snow flake and that I won't get addicted so I try not to pretend that it won't happen if I don't control STRICTLY my usage.
I also use speed sometimes on the weekends when I go to parties but almost never use "MDMA" because I don't have test kits and why taking the risk?
When i take drugs, I feel safe because I know my doses and my limits, sometimes I'm even too careful I think lol, because I'd much prefer being underwhelmed rather than overwhelmed and posing my health at risk.
I actually never felt bad because of a drug except for one time when I drank way too much and blacked out, and learned my lesson. (I consider it a good memory tho).

I think it's mainly because I read so much about drugs than I perfectly know how awful your life can become because of them, and also because I'm moderate by nature.

 

[The Doc.]

Well this is what I don't get. And not just in relation to drug-taking - I've heard many times from many people that people may look happy on the outside but that they all have problems underneath. But they don't. When I say I take Codeine to relieve boredom, I mean the boredom of lying in a hospital bed day after day after day after day... When I say I take it when I feel angry, I don't mean the anger of having an argument with someone - I mean the anger of being put through years of sexual and emotional abuse. If I weren't so scared of breaking laws or getting into some other kind of mess with illegal drugs (not that I have the first idea where I'd get illegal drugs even if I wanted them), it would be to get away from the pathetic state in which I'm in - that of being a young adult who can't work, can't have children, has no partner and relies on her parents for carers. My mum has to help me shower and dress. She'd have to help me use the loo too if it weren't for the fact I have a stoma (waste comes out of a surgical opening in the side of my stomach into a bag so I never go to the toilet in the normal way). And that's really just scratching the surface of what I've been through and what I'm living with.

I guess my idea of the kind of problems worth getting upset over or taking drugs to escape from come from a very extreme perspective. I just find it hard to imagine that every recreational drug user has big problems, so there must be other motivational factors.

Sure some problems are worse than others but as you know if you try to tell somebody who was molested by their father or someone they trusted that their pain doesn't matter cause they arnt in the hospital like you are is being quite a bit one sided and you won't get much sympathy cause they are in pain too even if they arnt in a hospital bed all day like you. many people hurt themselves physically on purpose to take their mind off their emotional problems. There's always somebody worse off than you but it doesn't mean what a person is going through doesn't affect them or shouldn't because they have it better than somebody else in the world it still affects their way of life and keeps them from leading a happy fulfilling life.

Sure there's some rich spoiled brats who have never had to work for anything that do it out of boredom or wanting to rebel then end up addicted to it but that's just the way it is you can't get them to stop by telinng them your tragic story they will do what they do because they can its too easy drugs are everywhere its like a fucking plauge the way it spreads to anyone. Kids grow up seeing novies where people get high or watch fanily use drugs/alcohol to cope with their problems and thats how they grow up thinking that my problems can be solved with a substance. And then theres people in chronic pain who get help from a doctor with narcotics but end up addicted to them. Addiction doesn't discriminate or not get you causes your happy in life, it will still bring you to rock bottom and make you lose everything you've ever worked for because once that addiction switch gets clicked on in the brain you can ever turn it off there is no cure for addiction. I understand your anger these lazy shits don't know how good they got it and they go and ruin their life with drugs while you are stuck with your useless body in. a hospital bed wishing you could just have a normal body but that's life it ain't fair we just have to play the cards were given to the best of our ability and everyone else has to worry about themselves.
Most addicts though use drugs to cope with pain mental or physical or both like me and my mom have and live with daily. But yes there are people who in your view don't have problems and your probably right some of then probably have a next to perfect life living at home with two parents in the suburb getting everything paid for, no disabilities or any childhood trama and yet they still use Why? Well mabye you should ask one cause its certainly not me the only conclusion I can come to is they are doing it cause its everywhere and drugs are becoming more accepted with youth culture and monkey see monkey do simple as that.

But for you to say "I've heard so many people say that people are hurting inside even when they don't seem like it, but really they arnt" shows that you are so mad about your problems that everyone else's seem insignificant to you which isn't true cause you can bet your bottom dollar there is somebody out there way worse off then you are and thinking to themselves that you sound like a bitch for complaining and lookin at you the same way you look at others who are Better off than you like they don't deserve it you do.

 

[The Doc.]

hey, don't worry, your questions don't bother me

I'm a VERY careful when it comes to drugs.
I (almost) never do combos and if I do I make sure it's something safe (like benzos and weed) and keep the doses low. I don't really use addictive drugs, well I've been using opiates sometimes from november I think? but I always use the "least" addictive ones like methadone or buprenorphine and use very seldom. like I've used maybe 5-6 times since november, and I know that I'm not a special snow flake and that I won't get addicted so I try not to pretend that it won't happen if I don't control STRICTLY my usage.
I also use speed sometimes on the weekends when I go to parties but almost never use "MDMA" because I don't have test kits and why taking the risk?
When i take drugs, I feel safe because I know my doses and my limits, sometimes I'm even too careful I think lol, because I'd much prefer being underwhelmed rather than overwhelmed and posing my health at risk.
I actually never felt bad because of a drug except for one time when I drank way too much and blacked out, and learned my lesson. (I consider it a good memory tho).

I think it's mainly because I read so much about drugs than I perfectly know how awful your life can become because of them, and also because I'm moderate by nature.

Why do you need to test MDMA ? Is there something wrong with it in the states right now? I've never done that here in Canada or heard of it most people I knew were scared about MDMA being laced with speed as speed is a dirty shitty drug round here.

 

[ComfortablyNumb95]

^^ (I don't live in the USA) but when you purchase "MDMA" there is a good chance that you're sold something else like an RC or a nasty piperazine.
all the times I bought MDMA I've been fine and dandy but I'm not willing to take the risk anymore (just look around the MDMA section with all the stories of long term comedowns)

 

[EDVBasicsRicePops]

ComfortablyNumb - Thanks for answering my questions. What you're saying sounds like when people talk about having an "addictive personality" - or not in your case. I don't think I'd get addicted to things easily - I seem to have a lot of self-discipline - not that I've tried many drugs, but doing things like getting up and making myself walk after surgery, eating sensibly, getting essays done early when I was studying, etc. I think I would never have go addicted to codeine if it weren't for the complete lack of caring about my health anymore. If I had a life, I could and would give up codeine. Sounds like research has a lot to do with it for you too. Trial and error is something I try a lot when I get new medications prescribed and I'm trying to find the best dose for me (which is often more than my doctors initially recommend). I'd still caution you about becoming too complacent though. Are the benefits you get worth the risk?

 

[EDVBasicsRicePops]

Sure some problems are worse than others but as you know if you try to tell somebody who was molested by their father or someone they trusted that their pain doesn't matter cause they arnt in the hospital like you are is being quite a bit one sided and you won't get much sympathy cause they are in pain too even if they arnt in a hospital bed all day like you. many people hurt themselves physically on purpose to take their mind off their emotional problems. There's always somebody worse off than you but it doesn't mean what a person is going through doesn't affect them or shouldn't because they have it better than somebody else in the world it still affects their way of life and keeps them from leading a happy fulfilling life.

Sure there's some rich spoiled brats who have never had to work for anything that do it out of boredom or wanting to rebel then end up addicted to it but that's just the way it is you can't get them to stop by telinng them your tragic story they will do what they do because they can its too easy drugs are everywhere its like a fucking plauge the way it spreads to anyone. Kids grow up seeing novies where people get high or watch fanily use drugs/alcohol to cope with their problems and thats how they grow up thinking that my problems can be solved with a substance. And then theres people in chronic pain who get help from a doctor with narcotics but end up addicted to them. Addiction doesn't discriminate or not get you causes your happy in life, it will still bring you to rock bottom and make you lose everything you've ever worked for because once that addiction switch gets clicked on in the brain you can ever turn it off there is no cure for addiction. I understand your anger these lazy shits don't know how good they got it and they go and ruin their life with drugs while you are stuck with your useless body in. a hospital bed wishing you could just have a normal body but that's life it ain't fair we just have to play the cards were given to the best of our ability and everyone else has to worry about themselves.
Most addicts though use drugs to cope with pain mental or physical or both like me and my mom have and live with daily. But yes there are people who in your view don't have problems and your probably right some of then probably have a next to perfect life living at home with two parents in the suburb getting everything paid for, no disabilities or any childhood trama and yet they still use Why? Well mabye you should ask one cause its certainly not me the only conclusion I can come to is they are doing it cause its everywhere and drugs are becoming more accepted with youth culture and monkey see monkey do simple as that.

But for you to say "I've heard so many people say that people are hurting inside even when they don't seem like it, but really they arnt" shows that you are so mad about your problems that everyone else's seem insignificant to you which isn't true cause you can bet your bottom dollar there is somebody out there way worse off then you are and thinking to themselves that you sound like a bitch for complaining and lookin at you the same way you look at others who are Better off than you like they don't deserve it you do.

I find your reply really offensive. If you read my posts you'll see I said I think using drugs for emotional pain is just as understandable as using it for physical pain - in fact I also said I myself take codeine partly for emotional pain. I have been severely sexually abused, why on earth would you use that as an example of something equally bad to being in hospital, when it's ONE OF THE TRAUMAS I SAID I HAVE EXPERIENCED. Please don't get at me without even taking the time to read my posts.

My problems are infinitely worse than the vast majority of people. There may be people out there who have worse problems, but I'm in a very very small minority, even more so among the population around me, the people I associate with day in and day out.

My problems (which, btw, I have only posted a fraction of) are awful - worse than you could possible imagine. What is wrong with you that your response to someone in pain is to insult them? Are you so insecure about the fact that, perhaps, you take drugs even though you have no real problems that it angers you to be face with someone who does? Perhaps you are using what you perceive as problems in your own life as an excuse for your lack of self-control over drug-taking, and having to face the fact that actually you don't have many problems to deal with makes you angry?

I know there are plenty of people who take drugs who only have the every-day kind of problems that everyone deals with, they don't all have terrible lives. That's why I'm asking. I'm interested in finding out the reasons why. I'm sure there are reasons, otherwise so many people wouldn't do drugs. But since my own experience is limited to taking drugs to escape severe mental and physical pain, I don't yet understand those with other motivations. I'm trying to understand those motivations, not to undermine their validity.