I should’ve (please critique) [feels a little unfinished to me]

[Frosty da snowman]

the unexpected foreclosure of my reality came today
a 37cent stamp in the corner those funny little squiggles from Timbuktu’s post office and a plain white envelope
with typical governmental efficiency I even got the letter twice
the letter was typed, double space, and reeked of crew cut shaven perfection
I can just imagine some poor office clerks job typing these things
I should pack
but what does one take to their personal Armageddon?
these letters should come with how to pamphlets
I wonder if I’ll need a tooth brush
I had time to think I never took the time to become an addict
then knocks at the door
The repo agents were strange fellows
white shirts, blue pants, even faces
Americana picture perfect
I think I should’ve been a poster boy
I can’t decide to run fight or just let them take me
it dawns on me that here are two people that will never get these letters
I step back
I’m thinking did I leave the porn out
they step in
I step back twice, running would be fun here but did they think to cover the back door
there saying running will only make this harder
they aren’t smiling
they don’t enjoy their work
this makes me run
they didn’t cover the back door
this is making things far to easy
Ms. Henrys roses look nice this year
it’s funny the things you’ll miss about your street when it’s the last time you’ll see it
all those little touches you never see come leaping at you
maybe I should’ve paid the reality bill
maybe I should’ve stopped paying sooner
I’m rounding the corner and I’m thinking why have I never seen a dog on my street
their behind me
I hope they’ve got on comfortable shoes
I should’ve taken that girl on the second floor out
sounds like there getting closer
I should’ve tried Thai food
I’ve got this funny feeling that they’re really not enjoying this
I’m feeling kinda sorry I punched that kid with the thick glasses in the third grade
did one of them brush me
I should’ve gone to Spain once
I think I’m going to be tackled soon
I should’ve gotten a better job
I’m defiantly going to be tackled soon
I should’ve lost a little more weight
yea that tackles coming any second
I should’ve run a little sooner
I just should’ve

 

[haste]

Its an interesting piece indeed - I think you need to break it up a little - spaces can be very effective - for me it would place more emphasis on each passage and give the reader and more clear cut view, especially a piece that delves into a mind flooded with thoughts, ideas, memories and decisions.

There is alot to digest there, breaking it up give the reader time to absorb it all.

Keep it up!

 

[Rollingrrl]

i love it! the wording, the random thoughts are just great. you can really imagine being *inside* that person's head. though i kinda see the point Haste is trying to make, a few poetic pauses might work well. overall good writing though!

 

[psychoblast]

Yeah, that's a good one.

The last sentence might be just slightly off. It depends what feeling you want to evoke. If you want to evoke all the possible things this guy should have done to avoid being tackled in this manner, it is probably best.

I kind of like leaving hope in stories, like leaving, "I should've done a lot of things. I can almost sense the arms reaching out from behind me. Any second now..."

I guess, in my mind, ending with the "any second now" leaves the reader with the sense that the pursuit is not yet over, and as much as the main character feels about to be tackled, he still has a chance. Maybe the guy behind him will trip or something? Maybe he's not as close as the main character thinks? I kind of like that.

But, anyway, I guess it changes the messge and it is your message, so write it how you feel best about it. I still like it.

~psychoblast~

 

[Frosty da snowman]

Thanks for the replies.
Haste, Rollingrrl
I'll go over the spaceing, pauses again. For me riht now that's either hit or miss. sometimes I nail it right away other times it takes a month or two of re-reads adjustments to get what i'm looking for. One of the things thats bugged me about this one is it's overall tempo. Seems a bit slow in the begining the speeds up way to fast. To me it also feels short, but it forever to get it where it is( not every day just a line here line there) and i'm feeling kinda done with it. I'm just not in feeling the same things I was feeling when I wrote it. Ah well thanks for taking a look at it. :D

Psychoblast
I see what your saying, but I wanted to give it some sort of finality. I was thinking of some of the things I wanted to at diffrent points in time and won't be able to go back and try now when I started this. it's kinda of a whimiscal way to look at regrets.