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I said NO today....

L

love88

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 12, 2014
Messages
125
Location
Nj
Hi everyone!

So like I've stated on other threads here, I've been goin back and forth trying to get sober time under my belt, only going 2 or 3 days being clean and then messing up again.

I feel like even tho I've messed up all those times, I feel like its slowly and I mean very slowly, sinking in...

I worked today and for the first time in like 5 plus years, I left work and went home! Everytime I get done work, I would Have to go see my dealer. I willing left work with money in my hand, and decided to go home! I just said "no". Now today will be 24 hrs from my last dose.

What makes this 24hrs different for all the other "first 24hrs" u might ask ? Is that I said no willingly and I have money! And it's not like a crazy amount or anything. It's enough to by a couPle of pills.

This never happens!! I usually always wait till I completely run out of money and jus know I have to be clean for a day or two bc I broke
im jus schocked, bc that was one thing that I couldn't stop. I had to spend that
money on pills when I left work... That's jus what I would do... No ifs, ands, or buts.

Now I'm not saying that this is gonna happen everyday and I'm completely healed n never going back, I'm jus simply happy that I said "no" today! Maybe it will catch on and I'll say "no" tomorrow?!

Obv I want to be sober and have more sober time, but I'll take some small victories when I can get it

So did u guys ever jus have a feeling ccome over u that u hadn't felt before in a long time that aided in ur recovery ??


 
Thanks guys!

NSA~ I guess what made me say no today was the fact that I'm trying to accomplish small goals of being sober. U have commented on my other posts, giving me more advise before and thank u for that! I guess I know that I need to get a handle on things bc I'm getting older I'm in my mid twenties and i need money lol. This is jus getting freakin old and I want out!

Lone~ that's good ur stating too! I feel like the first day is like the hardest .... It's like ur breaking that cycle, circle and is sooo hard to cut that fist cord.... If u want, we could kinda check up on each other.....

My goal (it may be small) is to make it till Friday without anything. I want to take a sub, but I have to wait mid week bc I see my pm midweek n I know he will drug test me. I also want to wait to this Friday bc I obv get my script of oxy midweek, and I usually bing on them the first two days bc I'm usually wdin' by the time I get them and I run out too fast!!

I would love to one day like jus keep a few and like get rid of my script....

But anyway, right now I'm at 30hrs... I feel ok. I'm big on gabapentin so I been poppin them all day ... I'm alittle pissed bc when I got home from work I ended up falling asleep for tooo long. Now it's 11:00pm here n I jus woke up alil while ago and I'm praying g I go back too sleep!! I jus took more GABA and I took more muscle relaxers and I'm hopin I'll sleep!
 
Hey love88
I haven't read any of your other posts unfortunately so I'm only able to reply from what I have just read here but my heart breaks for you, I feel for you the vicious cycle it sucks I know. I recently just got off a 10+ yr script of oxy and now I'm struggling with all the years I wasted. Take it one day at a time but use that one day as empowerment for the next day. You can do this!!!
 
Well done love I had an experienceat work a few weeks back where a coworker of mine who is a boss in the business offered me a free bump of heroin. He poured his whole stash right out in front of me. I had never in my life seen heroin up until that point in my life, and I wisely said no thanks man. Strange the guilt I still sometimes feel. Like I let him down not thinking heroin was awesome like he did. He almost looked hurt. He offered me free dope and I politely refused. Looks at me differently now. Might I rephrase he is my boss. Huge opiate problem and it blows not just for him but for anyone that has to be around him. Fuck heroin
 

Sosick~ thanks for the support, basically I'm sorrta in the same boat in a way. I've been in pain management for a couple of years. And its jus getting hard to make my script to last, so I buy extras and it's running me dry. I jus wanna work on having some sober days here and there. I also wanna use the subs I have to do quick tapers right when I get
my script so I don't have a field day when I pick up my script lol. But thank you again! What u said about all the years wasted, I really relate to that! I'm trying to have sober days so I can be present for life.

Cosmic giraffe ~~ when ur boss offered u the H and you said no, he probbally was jus embarrassed more thAn anything I bet. And good for u saying NO! It def takes will power and H is somthing u should try and avoid at all costs!!

Captain Heroin~. Thankyou for ur support as well! I've seen some of ur posts.... Ur doing amazing, having almost a year off subs! Way to go!!

LD ~~ thank you as well

Update: so I slept kinda bad last night. I def was tossing around. It was like I had RLS all through my body. I don't know why this happened bc I was loading up on GABA ... Usually I could go 36 hours before I would start feeling really bad.
When I woke up this morning, I was at the 40hrs... I felt pretty n did not wanna get outta bed ... I fuckin caved in and bought a couple of pills ;( WTF
in a way, it's kinda good bc I see my PM tomorrow and I know they r more than likely to drug test me and I hadent have any oxy since Saturday and I really wanted to make sure it was in my system

So here is the master Plan.... So I took the couple of pills I got this morning and I have my appt tomorrow morning. Right after my appt ( I'll prob be feeling shitty Nd it will be about 24hrs) I'm going to take my sub ! That way it will make me stay clean bc I def don't wanna waste taking the pills if I won't feel them. So yes I'll take my sub and from there I'll try n use GABA again. My prescription doesn't get filled till Wednesday and my goal is to make it to Friday without taking an oxy.
Who knows.... Maybe I'll make it till Friday and wanna keep going ! ?!? That would be amazing
i especially need to make my script last bc my fuckin insurance came and I have to pay 50% coinsureance or whatever and Im gonna have to pick up 5 OTHeR prescriptions beside my oxy!! Does anyone know if gabapentin is expensive? I also have to pick up flexiral, Xanax, and levoxyl. If anyone know if that stuff is expensive, lemme know. Thanks! Tomorrow when I drop off my scripts, I'll ask them aswell
So I jus need to get through today and tomorrow's appt so I can jus take my sub....I hope it goes by fast!!!
So stay strong everyone! Thanks for the support.!
 
I hope you can work it out and quit for good. One thing you can try it is to wait the most amount of time you can till you take any pill; like you're already thinking you should swallow an oxy, but try to delay that for an hour and do something that can entertain you for that time. after an hour do the same process, and maybe if you're strong enuff you can delay a couple of hours or even a day till you pop up the pill. I know it's a crapy technique but sometimes it can make wonders to stretch the period of time without taking anything.

All the best and keep us updated :)
 
update:

So I messed up again(surprise surprise). When I woke up this mornIng, I was tossing And turning and sweating... I was in WD and it was 24hrs since I gave in yesterday morning and bought a few pills. So what did I do this morning? Grab a few more pills. I'm so mad at myself. I couldn't start the sub bc I have my pm appt tomorrow and I could poss get drug tested. So I grabbed jus 3 pills this morning bc I also have work and I don't think I could have done it w/o a sub or pills. Now that I got down to the minimal amount, I go into wd much faster. I also have a job that I deal w ppl and have a smile on my face bc I work off commission.

So my plan is to take the sub tomorrow mornIng esp since I spent my money that I needed to pick up my script from the pharmacy. Since my insurance changed, the oxy is expensive not to mention the other 4 medications I have to pick up as well! So I figured I'll let it sit there till I make the mOney to pick it up!
I have to do this. I have to take cOntrol! I have a few things goin on in the next few weeks and I CANNOT spend money on drugs! And I have to have a few sober days with or without the sub in order to make my script last. And if I use the sub, I have to do it In the beginning so that way it has enouh time to get out of my system so when I show up at my pm appt, I don't test dirty (I go every 2 weeks)


LD~~ thanks for the idea... I'm def gonna have to do that. How are you doin??
 
Control was always impossible for me, I was able to retain a false belief sometimes that I was in control or taking control but it never lasted. You seem to be putting in a lot of work managing or trying to manage your addiction. I did as well. It is just much easier for me to be totally abstinent. My life is much simpler and far far less stressful today then it was when I was using. It was so worth the detox experience and the work I have to put into it.

I found that when I was really determined to quit, withdrawal seemed like something I had to "get through" rather then something that felt like the end of the world and that my life was in danger (shit, sometimes it actually was).

I am an addict, I want to use and I occasionally like getting high. Thing is I can no longer do that? Why? Because I cannot manage my use of them and when I use terrible shit happens to me. Its just not worth it, and I am thankful that I have a choice not to use today.
 
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