I relapsed

[shroomster]

Might as well spill the beans. I have not a soul in my life I can talk to about it, so thank you in advance, communal therapist. I'm still sleep deprived and out of sorts, so bear with me.

As a preface, I want to list everything this relapse was NOT
-magical
-euphoric
-fun
-enjoyable


I had a few drinks with some friends on xmas eve. Drunk and oblivious to my own volitions, I got home and just sort of decided I was going to get my DOC. I'm bisexual, but I stronger prefer women. However, I picked up that meth was the drug of choice among the gay community. Being a young stud muffin like myself, this works in my advantage. Within 3 minutes on an app called Grndr (sort of like a raw gay facebook), I hooked up with an older, unattractive male who had the connection. I basically allowed a stranger to grope and kiss me, and offered oral favors in exchange for my DOC. Fortunately, he wasn't very rapey. In fact, he asked me to leave after an hour or so because it was too apparent I wasn't down.

So I come home, bang the shit in a hurry and piss drunk. I miss part of my shot because holy fuck I am an idiot. So I did not get that rush I was dying to get. Instead, I became my normal paranoid schizophrenic, totally psychotic tweaker I always instantly become for 24 hours. Even on tiny doses of meth, I hallucinate, and see into this hologram/sim universe and I think everyone is trying to kill me. It's horrifying, and it's the same EVERY TIME I do meth. Why, why do I crave something that has literally driven me into insanity? Why do I crave soemthing that I know, in advance, does not work like it used to. The euphoria, the fun, the love, the strong creative feelings. All gone. So why, even now after experiencing this nightmare, want more? Ah, the human mind is retarded.

it's been 8 or so hours since I really felt the effects of meth, but I am still utterly disgusted with myself. It is what it is. Just another relapse. Never got to that year. Maybe this time ha

 

[TryingToGetBetter]

Shroomster, I'm not a professional by any means and my drug of choice is/was opiates. Today's my 14th Day of sobriety, and this is I think my 3rd or 4th real attempt. Anyways... our brains work in crazy ways that we can't fully understand, but you already know this. I have to stay away from alcohol, I know it will lower my inhibitions and will more than likely choose to use.

Don't beat yourself up too much man. Learn from it, sounds like you have. I know this probably doesn't help much but I did want to reach out.

With love and support, TTGB

 

[shroomster]

I've lost count at my attempts, but I'll never lose hope. Still, I've used ONE TIME in the last year, so I think that's pretty good when compared to where I was.


Drinking is something I have gone with or without, BUT honestly, it was a major contributor to my behavior that evening. Alcohol, alone, is never something I had an issue with. As in, I enjoy beer, but two will work just fine for me. I enjoy hard drinks, but 2 will do the trick, and I'm done. Then I go bouts of dryness for maybe a month - 4 months, without thinking about it. BUT, the loss of inhibition is very dangerous someone with habits like u and i!!! I'll admit that in a second. I have the emotional coping mechanism of a young boy. I see change, and I flip out. I recently injured my shoulder, disabling me from enjoying the few things I find any fulfillment from for a few months. This brought me into a a place of bitterness and carelessness, and at that point, I really was only a decision away. So by going out drinking with a few friends ( i rarely go out and celebrate anything, ever) I was setting myself up. As soon as I sat down, a fleeting thought came to mind - man, if drugs were here tonight, I'm so in. Lesson learned. I know its redundant, but I haven't been honest with myself about where I really am for the last few weeks. I use hobbies and endeavors to hide from the vacuity that, is in reality, my life. I'm not depressed - there are just a lot of shit i need to be work on, but never do.

Thanks for the support. I do think I've learned from that night. More than anything, Its become obvious my DOC isn't magical anymore. Those feelings are gone - there's nothing but psychosis and isolation on the other side of the spoon. The problem is that in a few months, I'll still only remember the good highs.

More good news is that my relapses in the past two years have been swift - just one night / one weekend. I don't relapse, then say tomyself, "ah fuck it, i might as well drestroy more shit"! Nope, not anymore. I rather take 10 steps foward, and only back, instead of the other way around. My last actual run of drugs was just under a year. Literally walked away from it with nothing except clothes. Good times.

 

[GenericName12]

So you relapsed.

But clearly you learned something. It's not magical. It's not euphoric. It's just a terrible experience.

It's amazing what our mind tricks us into believing and what lengths we go to to get our fix.

I'm confident you'll make a year this time around.

 

[Ziggy stardust]

You said it..."lesson learned".
Our brains remember the magical times on drugs...and it's hard to undo that imprinted memory, but you'll remember this last incident next time you want to get high.
I'd say your doing pretty good if you only slipped once in a yr. I know it's frustrating...but take it as a learning experience.
Your insightful to see that the alcohol loosened your reasoning. We do stupid stuff under the influence of booze. I emailed my ex on Christmas!
Just move on. Even if you fall on your face, your still moving forward.

 

[sean107]

Hey, hope things are getting a little better for you! I literally went through this same thing a few weeks ago but finally pulled myself together. I'm just going to point out now that once you've come down, eaten, and slept your cravings might come back just for a short while. First few days will suck nuts after the first sleep then it starts getting easier as long as you don't do a lot of the same stuff that led you to using or do a lot of stuff you do when high. (Euphoric recall of some kind is a top cause of relapse.) I'm actually considering checking myself into a 30 rehab just so I can try to relearn how to live completely sober again, been using for almost 7 and a half years straight now. It gets so old.

 

[shroomster]

You said it..."lesson learned".
Our brains remember the magical times on drugs...and it's hard to undo that imprinted memory, but you'll remember this last incident next time you want to get high.
I'd say your doing pretty good if you only slipped once in a yr. I know it's frustrating...but take it as a learning experience.
Your insightful to see that the alcohol loosened your reasoning. We do stupid stuff under the influence of booze. I emailed my ex on Christmas!
Just move on. Even if you fall on your face, your still moving forward.

Yep, moving on. I'm already feeling a little better. Today I feel like I went through a traumatic brain injury, but aside from the desire to sleep all day, I'm alright, and I'm confident this experience will pave an even stronger recovery this year, and hopefully onward. The experience of doing my drug of choice, and not getting the desired effect is actually depressing. I know I can never feel the way I used to on that drug, but I almost don't want to believe that's true. So I'm like, remorseful..like a loved one died haha

Hey, hope things are getting a little better for you! I literally went through this same thing a few weeks ago but finally pulled myself together. I'm just going to point out now that once you've come down, eaten, and slept your cravings might come back just for a short while. First few days will suck nuts after the first sleep then it starts getting easier as long as you don't do a lot of the same stuff that led you to using or do a lot of stuff you do when high. (Euphoric recall of some kind is a top cause of relapse.) I'm actually considering checking myself into a 30 rehab just so I can try to relearn how to live completely sober again, been using for almost 7 and a half years straight now. It gets so old.

You know, I actually have no real desire to get high. Sure, some benzos sound nice, but I feel like I lost so much time already, and again, I didn't have any fun. At no time in my relapse did I feel great. I used meth so heavily that I am permanently stuck in the psychosis stage of using. If you give me a single point of meth, you would think I'd been up for several days. Anymore than that, you'd think i'd been awake for a week or more. It does get old, and I'm glad you're seeking help. IMO, these inpatient programs are helpful. The groups and all that jazz are bullshit, but the time away from drugs is invaluable.

 

[Kazegami]

Relapse is part of recovery my friend. At the end of the day, everybody falls in one way or another. The difference is how many times we get back up before calling it quits.

 

[caseface99]

How's it going shroomster? Have you been able to stay clean since this slip up? Let us know how you're doin.

 

[kush25123]

Hey relaspes are a learning experience. Each day going forward gets easier in terms of wanting to use. There are exceptions but damn it dont use and the hell addiction puts us through wont get started all over. Speaking from a few day clean