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TDS i relapsed

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Fatjosh

Bluelighter
Joined
May 15, 2012
Messages
176
Location
california
Whats up everyone, I was 9 months sober off a 4 year addiction to oxy. About a month ago I hurt my back and took some norcos and it has lead to dosing norcos or oxy every couple days I know im on a slippery slope and I keep telling myself it has to stop. Im still going 2-3 days between dosing so I think im not in for real physical symptoms as all my previous withdrawls started around the 24 hour mark before so hopefully I have dodged that. I guess my question is if u guys really feel like relapse is part of recovery as I have heard from some people? What r your thoughts on this. I have to stop this before I end up back in full blown addiction, I just cant believe I have put myself back in this position and I feel like shit cause I have a beautiful fiance who doesnt deserve to have to deal with my addiction. I guess I also just need some words of encouragement, thanks in advance guys.
 
look at the cycle of addiction http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/672623-Addiction-Guide you will see that use is said to usually followed by a loss of control.. not saying its inevitable but really really prevalent on someones DOC.. something to think about.

tolerance is the reason this often occurs.. intermittent use like you are doing does not allow enough time for the system to recover and this phenomenon is likely to occur, dropping the way you feal to low and requiring more and more frequent doses to feel good. If you want to have any chance of use you will have to space your indulgence out alot more significantly, give the master system a chance to catch up, IMHO i would go at least twelve days in between doses... and make your mind up that you are going to accept the rollercoaster your mood will be on.. It is totally possible to be at amazing peace and contentment in recovery but you can learn to cut the addiction cycle at any point in its circle except loss of control (what a revelation there hu8( ).. if you cant find a distance in between doses, accept the negative with the positive as far as use, and be able to stick to those distances and have it be worth it, then you will most likely if not inevitably fail.. very best wishes.

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Thanks for your reply NSA , the reason I posted was because like u said I feel I am not too far from losing control. That thread was a good read and only reiterates what I have already been feeling which is that I need to stop this now befor I get in too deep. The thing is is that I dont want to use every 12 days I want to completely obstain from opiates. I hurt my back, took some opiates and it was like I opened pandoras box and went from helping pain to recreational. I cannot be an occasional user that I am sure of.
 
Well I would say the alternative is to ruin my life..last time I cold turkeyed it from a 240-320mg a day habbit. After a month I was so sure id never go back but here I am. I have to just get a grip on myself and stop. Bluelight helped me so much last time when I just layed everything out on the table thats kinda why I posted today it helps to just write it all out I guess. Heres a dilema I was kinda thinkin about after reading your link maybe other can relate to my predicament. I have never been one to get high all day I would just take one big 240mg dose at night and a few hours later go to sleep. I have always had sleeping problems. In that article it talks about trying to keep busy during the times you find yourself wanting to use, but theres not really much I can do late at night which is basically the only time I would use. I keep really busy during the day but at the end of the day is when I find myself in the wrong kind of mindset which has been compounded during this last month with loneliness as my fiancee has been away a lot. But I guess I just need to pull myself up by my bootstraps cause there isnt much els to do but to just stop.
 
I did it last time with pure determination...I didnt really get out of bed for two weeks. It was pure agony, but then my symptoms broke and I was happier than I had been in soo long. I started this recent problem because of my back but my addiction started in 2008 when I was a senior in highschool and my dad was dieing of cancer. I had been perscribed vicodin for broken bones befor and knew they made me feel better emotionaly as well as physically so during that time my father was dieing we had cabinets full of pills and there was the birth of my addiction. I had been clean9 months befor this last month of slipping up.
 
Sorry to hear that you have to go through this again, FJ. I remember your elation last time and how free you felt. You can regain that, only this time you will be wiser. That same determination you used last time is what you have to summon up this time. Don't let the relapse undermine your confidence in your ability.

The whole issue of physical pain and opiate addiction is so tricky. You are going to need a strategy for physical pain when it happens, whether it is from overuse, strain, surgery, etc. Although this article is pretty vague it does suggest that there are alternative therapies.

I hope that you can tap into that optimism and determination that you used last time. I know that it is like a hard slap in the face to realize that it wasn't a once-and-for-all win over addiction but that is the reality. You faced it before and you can do it again. Knowledge is power. Experience is a teacher. You have both on your side now.<3
 
i've never heard of anyone getting sober w/o relapsing at some point in their recovery i've know people with years of sobriety relapse as long as you keep trying to quit your on the right path
 
Thanks herb, I was kinda hoping to hear from you your words r always very comforting and full of encouragement. I dont think I will have much if any physical problems right now its more a mental battle. I know what I have to do its just summoning the willpower. But to be optimistic just having this conversation with you and NSA has only strengthened my resolve. I cannot go back to that lifestyle, I have much more to offer in life than that.
 
Mr.flowers thank you thats basically what I wanted to hear. Which is kinda dumb I know. But I guess I just needed somone to say it to keep hope alive. Like I said I cant go back to the way I was as an active addict and while this whole thing has been messing with my head the one thing I have known for sure is I dont want to go back. Even when taking the opiates I cant even enjoy them cause im thinking "what am I doing" and "I must be fucking retarded or somthing" its like I dont want them but as soon as I seriously entertain the idea of getting high I go on autopilot and the next thing I know im chomping down pills. So my solution shall be that getting high is just unacceptable and therfore I cannot seriously entertain the idea of engaging in such activities.
 
fatJ.. you need to begin to look at this different.. willpower and resolve are cute, but they always loose this battle.. try not having anything to eat or drink for 48 hours and we can put this in perspective.. you cant make it and be happy by yourself.. saw a great song that mentions this a little bit ago.. here it is http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/658908-What-song-fits-your-current-mood-vs-Loud-and-Noisy!/page13 post 322 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wADy9PmKwsc .. <3 "doing it by myself didn't work out so good"
 
Can you elaborate a little NSA, im trying to completely absorb you last post. I did listen to the song and its spot on.
 
Addiction has almost nothing to do with willpower.. the same part of you that drives you to drink water drives you to use the drug you are addicted to.. if you, or I were on a cruise ship in an ocean, and it wrecked and you, or i, were able to escape into a life raft without water.. we could resist for a while.. not drinking the salty sea water, because of course we now it would not satisfy our thirst and would kill us.. but given enough time we would be driven to madness, buy the same region of the brain as addiction, for the drive for water, thirst.. same part of the brain as addiction, and would eventually say fuck it, and drink like an crazed animal from the the salty water that we KNEW would have no positive effect and would only kill us.. can't do it on our own!!! we have to band together in this insane battle.. otherwise we will drink the water.. find a bunch of addicts with the same goal.. NA, smart recovery, Etc. and find a sobriety plan that works.. <3
 
Ok thats a good analogy. I do have support from my fiancee and close friends and I will seek out support from them. I apriciate the time you have spent giving me multiple replies today, thanks again
 
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