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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I relapsed and I kind of hate myself right now.

hey burton, i can definitely identify with your issues. i never liked the na or aa meetings, but for some reason found that outpatient therapy helped me a lot. but i went through 2 rehabs and many many relapses before getting to that point. the point is, even if you relapse again, just don't give up, at some point for me something just clicked. i'm actually on a subutex program and i have been for awhile, and i have a pretty cool and easy going doctor who said i can stay on it as long as i want if it keeps me clean. unfortunately i pay out of pocket but it's worked for the most part. Another drug you should look up if you ever go through withdrawal again is clonodine. i think that's how its spelled, it's not clonopin, but my doctor gave me that when i tapered on my subutex a little to take away any withdrawal symptoms. apparently the body aches and that have a lot to do w/your blood pressure and this medication i believe lowers your blood pressure and it really helped me to fall asleep at nice w/out the restless legs and body aches. anyway i hope i helped some, good luck
 
stay strong if you did it once, you can do it again! <3 and dont be so hard on yourself, youre only human
 
Hey burtonchic. Bit late coming to this, but don't beat yourself up too hard. Relapse is sometimes almost an essential part of recovery, because it's the relapses that quite often teach us the most about ourselves and our addictions. You've just found that as a recovering addict you're not gonna be able to go back to recreational use and expect to manage it. It's a hard way to learn, feeling like you're back to square one after doing so well and feeling so good about being clean at last, but it's the hardest learned lessons most often that really stay with us the most, and from which we're able to draw the most strength. And besides, you're not really back to square one at all. You know something now that you maybe didn't know before and that in itself is something of a step forward: you can't use recreationally, and you need to put in place better support networks and better coping strategies to help prevent future relapses.

It's important you that you don't let this discourage you too much. As addicts we have this tendency to see relapse as evidence that we just can't do this shit, so fuck it, might as well accept that and give in to the addiction, but that's the addict mind making excuses that allow us to use. In reality, you've just proved that actually you can do it, cos you were doing it right up to the moment you fell off your wagon, and you will be able to do it again. Going back to using is as easy as putting on a comfy pair of slippers, moving forward is hard, but I'm confident you can and will do this.

Hope you're ok? Best of luck! :)
 
Hope you're doing better! Don't be so hard on yourself and don't suffer either. Why not get to a subox dr. and get on some maintenance along w/ NA if no insurance for another detox/rehab? Goodluck!!
 
Missykins said:
I'm not targeting you per se, but when an addict says that NA/AA is not for them is just looking for permission to use.
Click to expand...

Saying that NA isn't my thing is a way to give myself permission to use? I'm sorry, but I have to respectfully disagree with that statement. NA and AA aren't for everyone. I've gone to meetings before, didn't stop me from using. It's just not my thing. I'm not going to bash people who work the program... to each their own... but for me, I honestly don't feel like sitting in a meeting and listening to people's war stories for an hour is going to benefit me. That's like someone joining a sports team like soccer, and then deciding that it's not their thing and they don't like it, and then someone comes along and says "When you say you don't like soccer, that's just an excuse for you to never play any sports and simply be lazy."

There are other programs, like Rational Recovery, that are more appealing to me. I still work the program, but I do it on my own without meetings, because I find them to be pointless and I detest people shoving religion down my throat. I still read the Big Book, do my step-working guide, etc. I'm just saying, NA and AA aren't for everyone, just like soccer isn't for everyone... and I happen to be one of those people.

Anyway. I feel stuck. It appears as though even with the Valium (and lots of it) the anxiety becomes too ridiculously unbearable. I was able to get a script of Suboxone, 4 pills 2mg, but even those didn't help at all. So of course I went out and used in order to feel better... ugh... I just wish this was over already. I'm sick of this, but sometimes it feels like I'll never make it no matter how hard I try. SO frustrating :(
 
My best advice is to not focus on how you are feeling in the current moment, but focus on the knowledge that continuing to abstain from heroin will leave you feeling much better within time.

I personally found heroin to be the most addictive drug I have ever tried, and I am fortunate for every day I'm not finding myself in a heroin addiction - even if those days aren't perfect.

I think you're an amazing individual Xburtonchic, and you are always free to PM me.
 
Ya but if you quit soccer to sit around scratching your sack that proves their point. But if you quit and start playing basketball your point will be taken.

If you really want to quit you will find a way. It should be hard, but ou can find a way through it if you want it badly enough. plenty of people out there willing to help you. You might hate NA but no where else will you find people jumping at the chance to help a fellow addict I'll tell you that much.

You'll learn that there's a lot of shit you hate doing, dont agree with and find retarded, but that you still NEED to do those things. It becomes less what you want to do adn more what you need to do. I wasn't a huge fan of NA, but I realized it was what I needed to do at the time.
 
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