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I relapsed and I kind of hate myself right now.

X

xburtonchic

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2011
Messages
1,009
I need encouragement. Or advice. Or anything. I just seriously can't believe I got myself into this mess AGAIN! I was doing SO well. And then my boyfriend at the time decided I was strong enough to handle him shooting up right in front of me. It was so out of no where, I just looked over and there he was with a needle in his arm. Apparently he is an idiotic douchebag when it comes to the early stages of recovery, I mean damn, talk about a trigger. So then MY dumb ass was sitting there thinking, "Well, the withdrawals weren't so bad, they were a joke really, I can do it again!" How wrong I was. Maybe I should have thought about the fact that the withdrawals were so easy because I was in a DETOX FACILITY... duh, me... but not only did I think I was strong enough to do "only one", I thought I could handle the withdrawals. My line of thinking was that I still had access to all of the medications they had me on in detox, minus the Suboxone, and I could therefore quit all by myself warm turkey, "just in case".

Well, I was NOT strong enough to do "just one". I did much more than "just one". And so I went back on Suboxone, and kept myself on it for FAR too long, much longer than the detox center and rehab had me on... and I paid for that mistake ten times over when I ran out of Suboxone, had no way to get more dope, and withdrawal was inevitable. I was totally not expecting what happened next. I was naive enough to think that they wouldn't be that bad as long as I took my Vistaril, and BuSpar, and Neurontin, and Seroquel, and vitamins, and etc. Except even with those first three anxiety meds, I couldn't deal with it. The anxiety was bad... so, so bad. It would build and build until I honestly thought I would explode. I felt like I was going insane. I was having violent tremors, shaking horribly, I couldn't even pick up a glass of water without dropping it. And it never let up. I can't even put into words how utterly terrible it was, but it was certainly the most physically traumatizing thing I've ever been through. I didn't even make it to the 36 hour mark. I dealt with it by just trying to white-knuckle it for about 24 hours, at which point I could NOT take it anymore and I caved. Found a way to get some dope. Now, once again, I am sticking a needle in my arm just to avoid ever having to go through that again. I'm absolutely TERRIFIED of it. I can't do it... I just can't... there's no way in hell. I think I'm still traumatized from it actually. I probably sound like I'm exaggerating... I wish I was... but it was truly impossible. A person would have to be made of STEEL to make it through an entire week, or even a few days of that. The only thing that provided SOME relief was the combo of Neurontin + Seroquel, which put me to sleep for a couple of hours... except I woke up with even WORSE anxiety. And then, of course, after that I was afraid to go to sleep. I think I probably spent the entire 24 hours pacing, or alternating between attempting to exercise (ha!) and attempting to lay down and sleep (hah!), or taking fistfuls of Vistaril/BuSpar/Valerian Root capsules/Melatonin/Chamomile. That terrifying, painful, horrible, completely fucked up experience is the entire reason I refuse to even THINK about stopping again until I have a script for benzos - a STRONG one - and possibly even a muscle relaxant in my hand.

Hopefully that will be sometime this week when I see my doctor. I wish so badly that detox was still an option, but I can't afford to go back again. I learned my lesson. I really, truly did. Those withdrawals are something I NEVER want to experience again. I can power through the rest... give me the bone and muscle aches, the sleeplessness, the runs, the stomach cramps, the yawning and watery eyes, the runny nose, even the RLS and waking up drenched in a cold sweat... I just CAN'T deal with such a level of anxiety again. I'm fucking TERRIFIED of being caught off guard, running out of opiates, and not being able to get more just because of the out of control anxiety alone. I'm not sure even a benzo/muscle relaxant/Seroquel combo would help... the anxiety was too extreme... but if it could even make a DENT in it... then that's all I can ask for... I just want to make it through the first few days of withdrawal so I can walk away and never, ever look back.

I'm scared... terrified, really, of having to go through that again. I seriously tried EVERYTHING at the time. I took every anti-anxiety med in sight whether it be prescription, OTC, and natural... even a combo of all of the above didn't help. I tried exercising on our treadmill, but the fatigue won out after only a couple of steps. I played with my dogs. I listened to music. I watched funny videos on YouTube. I paced back and forth. I probably laid down on my bed about a million times in an attempt to just sleep through it, only to get back up right away. I even had my mom rub my back for a solid ten minutes or so, just like she did when I was a kid. That, and soaking in a hot bath, were the ONLY two things that managed to barely scratch the surface. The slight downshift in anxiety was a blessing, don't get me wrong, but it was so slight that I was still in a Constant State Of Pure Agony. I found some relief with taking a combo of Seroquel and Neurontin together, at which point I was able to knock out for a good 6 hours... but I woke up with even worse anxiety than before, and so that was not an option again. I think I might have already said that... if so, I apologize for repeating myself.

Sorry this is so long, but DEAR SWEET BABY JESUS, I had no idea that tiny little me was even capable of producing SO MUCH anxiety. NO ONE should EVER have to experience that!! I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I found myself thinking several times that it would be the perfect method of torture for people trying to get information out of POW's. It was intense.

Long story short though, I need some help, or some encouragement. Anything that could possibly help me get through that inhumane level of anxiety, should I have to go through it again (God forbid), is extremely welcome. Even if it's something that might help only barely a little bit, I'm open to trying it out. Honestly, I don't know how I managed to deal with that fucking brand of TORTURE for even just a couple of hours. I only got to the 24 hour mark through sheer power of will and ironclad determination... but it got to be too much... even white knuckling it and telling myself it's only temporary, I couldn't do it. But if anyone has ANY suggestions... then maybe I'll finally be able to find that perfect combo of somethings that gives me JUST enough relief to make it past that 24 hour mark and through the following 72-96...

Also, if anyone knows, at what point does the anxiety and restlessness symptom start to get better? Does it gradually get better with the rest of the symptoms after the 4 day mark or so, or does it hang on longer than the rest, seeing as how much of it is psychological? I know anxiety and restlessness have their niche in the physiological realm as well - if I had any doubts about that before, they're gone now! - but from what I understand, MOST of it is still psychological. Or is that untrue when it comes to withdrawal? It seems like it could be... I mean, if it was purely psychological, then theoretically speaking, I should have been able to bring myself back down... right?

I don't know. But any words of encouragement and especially advice is MUCH APPRECIATED!! Thanks :) <3
 
Oh I can't imagine, the worst withdrawl I went thru was a Vicodin withdrawl and it was nothing compared to what you went thru. I'm so sorry it was so hard, and I'm not trying to sound condisending.
First shit can that boyfriend what a douche bag for doing that to you.
Second, call your doc and tell him everything he can help.
Thrid don't be so hard on yourself, it happens to all of us good intentions and all. You can do it again as long as you wanna be clean you can do it, maybe not cold turkey or warm turkey but if you want it don't give up. You CAN do it. Just keep telling yourself that.
Best of Luck
 
Hey Hun,
I can tell you for me relapse was unfortunately part of my recovery - having good support and being honest wih where you are at is the best thing you can do. Just two months ago I was in a half way house and my girl at the time went out for one more… she never came back :/. It's really hard and I'm fighting everyday, I can see how badly you want it and that's the hardest and best place to be. I gave up for 7 years to the fact it never would change . Try to give yourself credit you caught this and you're alive - keep pushing and it will get better :)
- j
 
i used to have panic disorder. severe. i would collapse, not be able to breathe right, have a feeling of dread so intense i was SURE i was going to die. my heart would beat faster than i'm sure is healthy. it was horrible. the worst psychological experiences of my life. the only things that ever scratched the surface for me was putting a cold compress to my neck, forehead and wrists, sipping ice cold water, taking a benzo and talking to a friend all at the same time. even though my panic wasn't caused by withdrawal it sounds extremely similar to what you experienced. what i will say is, anxiety kind of works on a loop. you have one panic attack and then you are TERRIFIED of having another one, which will cause anxiety and lead to another panic attack. this used to happen to me and sounds like what you were experiencing. once you recognize the symptoms of panic, it can be easier to calm yourself down. but man, i don't blame you for struggling. i became quite dependent on alcohol to deal with my panic and it was awful. but you can do this. if you have a therapist you see, definitely bring it up, it helped me immensely. best of luck.
 
Relapse is part of recovery. If you truly want to get clean, you will. Willpower has a lot to do with it!

When I was struggling with anorexia and bulimia, I would have relapses. I would be doing SO good on my nutrition plan, was content, happy that I was getting better. But some days and weeks I would stop eating altogether, and then when I did eat, I'd purge. It was a very difficult thing. This is the only comparison I can make because I haven't gotten clean from my use yet nor have I ever tried to.

The key to recovery is willpower and believing that you are stronger than any addiction. You're in control of your body, the drug doesn't control you. I know that's easier said than done, but I believe it to be true. That's the mindset I had when I was recovering from my eating disorders and it's something I learned in the inpatient hospital. Relapse does not mean failure. It's a learning experience and a chance to grow. Take your relapse in stride, push it aside, and continue on the road to recovery because you are doing GREAT and WILL overcome this.

I truly believe anyone can do and overcome whatever they wish if they have the right mindset. Setbacks are part of recovery.

You WILL recover, I believe in you. Just remember to always believe in yourself and do what's best for YOU. <3
 
Don't kid yourself kids.... Opiate addiction is unlike ANY other addiction in the world...In my view Opiates (& Benzo's) are the only drugs in this world right now that truly deserve the name of "addictive substances." The withdrawal from opiates for anyone that has used for a good amount of time will experience withdrawals and have to inevitably detox. The physical part is the worse part, I know, but even after you get through that you will have to fight to stay sober for at least 1 year or more....I know its not what you want to hear but it really is like a year long detox to get off these opiates.... The mental part of course is what I am talking about that last 1 year +....


I just want to sink to the bottom with you...:|
 
So what was missing from your recovery program that contributed to your relapse? Do you go to meetings? Do you have a sponsor to call before you use? I get blown a ton of shit for being a proponent of NA/AA but I do believe that if you are involved in the fellowship in a meaningful way then you are less likely to relapse. I know this from my own life, too: whenever I've relapsed, I have not been attending meetings.
 
Have you tried clonidine? They probably gave you some in detox, and its the only med I use to kick these days.

Missykins said:
So what was missing from your recovery program that contributed to your relapse? Do you go to meetings? Do you have a sponsor to call before you use? I get blown a ton of shit for being a proponent of NA/AA but I do believe that if you are involved in the fellowship in a meaningful way then you are less likely to relapse. I know this from my own life, too: whenever I've relapsed, I have not been attending meetings.
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I believe that what was missing from her recovery program was not having someone shooting up around her. XBC, I really think its time to leave your bf. He obviously isn't respecting your recovery if he's using right in front of you, and I wouldn't be surprised if he did it to get you to use again with him.
 
Addiction is very hard to beat. Here is the one surefire way to beat it: Hire someone to kill you if you take the drug again. Make sure he is serious. You get one strike where he breaks many ribs, but after that, if you haven't beaten the addiction, you never will.
 
Tommyboy said:
I believe that what was missing from her recovery program was not having someone shooting up around her. XBC, I really think its time to leave your bf. He obviously isn't respecting your recovery if he's using right in front of you, and I wouldn't be surprised if he did it to get you to use again with him.
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Not exactly the peer support an addict needs, a BF shooting up.

A brief detox will only help you through withdrawal, it will not help you address the larger issues related to your addiction, and it will not provide you with the tools you need to stay clean. Detox facilities have only one mission, and that is to help you physically, but not emotionally or spiritually. There's nothing wrong with that per se, that's simply what they do. That's why you need to develop a strong network of close, sober friends, and NA/AA can help you with that.

Another thing that you should keep in mind is that withdrawal, like childbirth, is a finite process.
 
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^ Missykins knows whats up. You need something else on top of everything else you did to stay clean.

It takes a lot more than simply taking some suboxone everyday (or not using heroin but still using other drugs). You have a lot of serious underlying emotional/psychological problems to sort out. Suboxone is not a magic pill: it only gives you time to sort out the other giant issues that need sorting out.

This is nothing personal, I have them too and thats why I've been in outpatient since December.

And also dont kid yourself: willpower does not work because it eventually runs out. Youve found this out yourself ("I made it 24 hours through sheer willpower but couldn't keep it up"). You need HELP as Missy said, from a support system, a program, family/friends ANYTHING. Sorry to say but its true you cant just will yourself off opiates. If that were possible no one would be an addict.

It will take some time to get clean, more time to stay clean, and it will be in no way shape or form easy. Dont expect it to be easy; if its super easy, youre doing it wrong.

Sorry i'm not making it sound like a walk in the park, but I'm not going to lie to you about it.
 
I agree, having some sober people in your life (possibly working a program or is at least happy in their own recovery) will work wonders. Just to have that person to call upon when you are feeling down, to take you out of your situation and talk to you will be of the greatest help. Also, not dating active addicts will be your first right step into the land of recovery.

The worst thing you can do is to stop trying. <3
 
I broke up with the boyfriend a while ago... a few weeks ago actually. :) He wasn't good for me, in more ways that one. It's an immense relief to not have to deal with his drama anymore!

I'm gonna try to kick again, now that I have a script for some Valium. I'm sincerely hoping the Valium + Neurontin combo will help, along with the Seroquel which will hopefully allow me to sleep through most of it. I just need to make it past the acute withdrawal and I KNOW I'll be in the clear... I've successfuly quit benzos, alcohol, meth, and coke... put them down and never looked back. All of them disgust me now, actually, except the benzo's, which I need to take on occasion to control my panic and anxiety attacks. The fabulous part is that, now that I know what an inhumane level of anxiety feels like, simply dealing with my normal GAD will be a walk in the park. If I can make it through 24 hours of THAT without a benzo, I can certainly make it through just a couple hours of a much tamer anxiety attack. So on the plus side, as horrifying as that experience was, in a way it helped me deal with my other issues with anxiety.

Wish me luck, my second kick starts today. I also have some Immodium this time around, and tons of different vitamins, and then of course there's the Valium. I'm also going to FORCE myself to eat, I don't care how gross food seems. Trust me when I say that I will NEVER give up, no matter how many times I relapse. I hate this lifestyle and I hate what it does to me and to my life, and I just want to be free of it once and for all.

What I REALLY need is to get my hands on some Suboxone, even just one would be an absolute GODSEND and would help immensely. I wish I had access to Clonodine. But I'll take any help I can get. My doctor was very discouraging yesterday when I saw him. He told me that even with the Valium, I wasn't going to be able to make it through the withdrawals. I was like... thanks. Luckily I'm one of those people who LOVES to prove people wrong and that's a huge motivating factor for me, so one of the things I'm gonna keep in mind as I go through this kick is that the next time I see my doctor, I will hopefully be able to show him my arms and be like... "Look, I made it through the withdrawals after all. I'm clean now. :)"

I do have a recovery plan in place. Once I'm clean, I plan to move a few counties away, far from where I live now where I don't know anybody. Once I'm there I'm going to find a counselor in the area, go back to school, and throw myself into looking for a job and my studies. I'm also gonna try some meetings out, but I've tried NA before and it's never really been my thing. Maybe it will be different this time around though, who knows.

Thanks for all the advice and encouraging words, it really helps. :) I'm gonna come back to this thread and reread it as I go through the withdrawals. All I know for sure is that I'm gonna be okay, someday, even if it takes a million tries, I'm not going to give up until I get it right...
 
xburtonchic said:
I broke up with the boyfriend a while ago... a few weeks ago actually. :) He wasn't good for me, in more ways that one. It's an immense relief to not have to deal with his drama anymore!

I'm gonna try to kick again, now that I have a script for some Valium. I'm sincerely hoping the Valium + Neurontin combo will help, along with the Seroquel which will hopefully allow me to sleep through most of it. I just need to make it past the acute withdrawal and I KNOW I'll be in the clear... I've successfuly quit benzos, alcohol, meth, and coke... put them down and never looked back. All of them disgust me now, actually, except the benzo's, which I need to take on occasion to control my panic and anxiety attacks. The fabulous part is that, now that I know what an inhumane level of anxiety feels like, simply dealing with my normal GAD will be a walk in the park. If I can make it through 24 hours of THAT without a benzo, I can certainly make it through just a couple hours of a much tamer anxiety attack. So on the plus side, as horrifying as that experience was, in a way it helped me deal with my other issues with anxiety.

Wish me luck, my second kick starts today. I also have some Immodium this time around, and tons of different vitamins, and then of course there's the Valium. I'm also going to FORCE myself to eat, I don't care how gross food seems. Trust me when I say that I will NEVER give up, no matter how many times I relapse. I hate this lifestyle and I hate what it does to me and to my life, and I just want to be free of it once and for all.

What I REALLY need is to get my hands on some Suboxone, even just one would be an absolute GODSEND and would help immensely. I wish I had access to Clonodine. But I'll take any help I can get. My doctor was very discouraging yesterday when I saw him. He told me that even with the Valium, I wasn't going to be able to make it through the withdrawals. I was like... thanks. Luckily I'm one of those people who LOVES to prove people wrong and that's a huge motivating factor for me, so one of the things I'm gonna keep in mind as I go through this kick is that the next time I see my doctor, I will hopefully be able to show him my arms and be like... "Look, I made it through the withdrawals after all. I'm clean now. :)"

I do have a recovery plan in place. Once I'm clean, I plan to move a few counties away, far from where I live now where I don't know anybody. Once I'm there I'm going to find a counselor in the area, go back to school, and throw myself into looking for a job and my studies. I'm also gonna try some meetings out, but I've tried NA before and it's never really been my thing. Maybe it will be different this time around though, who knows.

Thanks for all the advice and encouraging words, it really helps. :) I'm gonna come back to this thread and reread it as I go through the withdrawals. All I know for sure is that I'm gonna be okay, someday, even if it takes a million tries, I'm not going to give up until I get it right...
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Best of luck! I know you can do this. :)
 
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