Mental Health I really wish I was able to be social

[demonapocalypse]

For so, so many years I have tied nearly all of my unhappiness to my inability to socialize. I just can't carry a casual conversation, and it kills me. I really wish, more than anything, that I was able to just walk into a bar and start a conversation that maintains my interest throughout while feeling comfortable--I feel like I have so many cards stacked against me, I can never find things to talk about or ways to reply to most conversations and I have a stammer which makes me so fucking anxious to even try.

Going into high school, I was about to finally resolve this issue, puberty had hit me like a truck so I was now very attractive and athletic and made a shit ton of friends in no time. My issue was not entirely resolved, but I now had a shit ton of confidence/ability to not give a fuck which resulted in my stammer virtually dissapearing and found myself able to go up to random people and talk to them, while the conversation was not that enlightening due to me being a 14 year old, I had the ability to go up to random people and talk, it was fucking crazy. I guess things were going too well, cause within 2 months of this godsend transformation, I nearly died in surgery resulting in a monthlong hospital stay and lost all my athleticism and will to socialize as a result. I guess something got fucked up in my head because my stammer came back and it got a lot worse. I no longer had any motivation to hang out with my friends or exercise and ended up isolated teaching myself math while wired on adderall during my high school years. Probably the most influential period of my life wasted learning math.

Now that Im in college I am strongly experiencing the consequences of habituating myself to being alone, it feels like everyone around me has such an easy time sparking up conversation with other people while I just feel so incapable. It makes me near hate myself. When meeting new people with my friends they're always able to start talking to them so easily while I have no idea how to interject. Not only that, but I find so much of the shit people normally talk about to be retarded and boring that when I even do attempt to start a conversation it feels so forced that I have no motivation to even continue. I had a terrible time adapting to the social scene at first, I made some friends due to my roommate but felt like an outsider for a very long time before finally becoming comfortable with them. Now I don't feel much of a problem talking with them, however I often have trouble carrying a good conversation because my stammer makes me so self conscious that it drives me to keep my mouth shut as much as possible, and feel almost an instinctual response to lead a conversation to its death right after it begins just to save myself from the future embarrassment. I feel like such a pussy because of it, its genuinely an evil condition--I can't do shit about it besides get fucked up on Xanax to see some mild improvement. The stammer is genuinely terrible, with most bad things in my life I can rationalize my way out of them but with the stammer there's literally nothing I can do, its so fucked. I genuinely don't even know how I've been able to acquire any sort of friendship with people, even though I think im a good person and have some sort of accomplishments in my life, I feel like me being so shit at talking to new people should instantly bar me from making friends. Eventually I do get over this after getting close enough to a person, but otherwise I feel like the other person should see me as a train wreck for my inability to communicate and just never want to speak to me again. I think it has to be because my appearance is so opposite to the way I feel that people approach me with this great image of me that they stick to even though the way I come off on a first interaction should change their mind. I feel like if they saw my self hatred for not being able to not be socially retarded for a second they would pity me. I pity myself for it, and it genuinely is fucking retarded, this isn't the person I am or should have turned out to be.

Thankfully I'm on track to have a decent future, my time isolated on adderall has somehow caused me to become really smart so I have somehow retained a 4.0 as a premed/engineer at really good university so as long as I don't end up overdosing/becoming addicted to the shit I keep trying to fix my social retardation I think I will always have something in my life. However, until the day I am able to carry a good conversation with a stranger, I don't think I'll ever be happy. I love having friends and the fact that I can sometimes talk normally with them, but something about not being able to meet people properly fucks me up so badly in the head. It sounds so stupid but when I find myself with someone im not comfortable with and am forced to carry a shit conversation it kills me inside. Theres so much I could say about this but I guess im going to cut it here. I guess I just wanted to say this even though there's no point to it. I always think about how normal I could've turned out of my life didn't get fucked. I was so fucking close, if there is a god I think he is cruel for taking away what I had in that situation.

 

[finitelifeform]

What is being social though?
It's whatever you think it is based on your life experiences, your beliefs, your projections. It's based entirely on what's in your mind. That alone can be so much to stop you actually taking the steps to socialize. Socializing is socializing, obviously. To socialize is to be human and we are all capable of it. It's not complicated and that doesn't mean you are bad for not socializing. Our downfall is our interpretation of what that means followed by our own expectations to match our interpretations. Our perceptions become our reality. If socializing is hard then it's hard but the same could be said for doing many things we do in life, most of the time without even realizing.

It's amazing how the world moves for you and with you. But you have to want that to happen. All the while you will grow, learn more about yourself and you will at the same time face your issues. What's more challenging is when you face these in front of others. This is where the real transformation is. Sooner or later the facade that got you to talking to people wears off and the introductory acts will fade away and you will inevitably go into yourself. You've probably encountered this. Maybe that's even what you try and avoid because you perceive this as being the end. During these times you grow the most because this is when you are tested the most but also when becoming who want to become happens. This is when the stress, pressure, exposure etc creates diamonds. In the most vulnerable positions you can grow the most. I often try and put myself in these situations in order to make it through and in the process you will connect with others and find your voice. It just comes out, if you are determined to break free from your current social situation. You have to want it though. The times during my life, especially when I was reeling from severe adoptive childhood trauma in my young adulthood, when everything felt like it came crashing down and I couldn't handle being around other people, especially those who were better than me and had better lives than me. It just makes you want to quit. I used to leave, have a little cry, maybe even get angry and call myself names but then I would pull myself together and tell myself I want this and this is what I deserve. I deserve a normal social life, a good social life, the social life I didn't have at home. I would then return, grit my teeth, hold firm and keep trying. Sooner or later, you will sink into assuming a role you want to become. Things will make sense. You will pick up on certain social cues and know how to respond within seconds. You will also be able to correct if you have a brain fart or your social awkwardness and deeper issues come out. And with new lots of friends, these new people don't know you and they don't know your past and so you have every opportunity to forge a new image of yourself with the benefit of new situations, people and places.

Sometimes you have to drown out that inner voice telling you to stop, to overthink, to criticize yourself. Sometimes you have to be the role model you wanted to see in your life. Sometimes you have to be the light, the energy in the room. And that's okay. And you will often find with all the courage you have, with the hardship you may have faced and the times you have been on your own envisioning the goal of having friends, you may end up the greatest friend others could have. Through difficult times comes resilience and strength of character and these times in our life can build positive aspects of ourselves that will often come out when we cultivate their doing so. These make amazing friends. Just getting up and talking to someone and not fearing what they might say or do can be so rewarding even if you get told to f*ck off. In fact, that confrontation can sometimes be just as rewarding because now you have the chance to brush up on your ability to practice some confidence and say things with authority or maybe even laugh, crack a joke and show your mettle. What is the worst that will happen? There are 8 billion people in this world (almost). Don't be afraid to perform your own social experiments. You are hardly going to run out of people to talk to and involve in your adventures and experiments. If it doesn't work this time, try again. Keep trying. Even if people become strangers you are filling your social bar up. That's the way I see it anyway, to copy relationship dynamics on The Sims. You don't need to find love everyday. You don't need to find a best friend everyday. But you do need to try your best and not be afraid to compete a little, get stuck in and try your luck. Slowly you will see certain type of people stand out, certain types will be like this or that, some will say this or that and because you have experience of interacting with lots of people, you will know which ones often lead to something more. Some will give you signs that they are messed up, having issues, distant, preoccupied or just lost. Leave those people alone, unless you want to become a hero/white knight, rescuer. Eventually you will meet people who you will click with. You will learn from your experiences what to do, what not to do. Better still, you will learn that it doesn't matter either way because talking to people is just talking to people. Unless you always have a goal everytime of find your best friend or life partner, it's all talk as they say. You are not trying to sell yourself. It's not a job interview. It's a conversation and the best conversation flows and the people present are who they want to be in this flow. Whether they are the opposite to you or not it's all flowing and everybody is projecting and eventually something budges and we go here, we go there, we move towards this or that. Or maybe it doesn't and well, next time. Even if it's a complete mess and everybody is so incompatible it's unreal, well, that's an experience, you move on. More power to you for learning more about yourself and about what you want. You can joke about it next time and if they are really serious you can joke with them and maybe they will lose their sh*t but hey, at least you are now the one on the other side of the equation, now you're the social butterfly starting to grow and you see the dynamics of social interaction and recognize what works and what doesn't.

It's really about just doing it and not giving as many f*cks. People will judge you. People will criticize. Some will even try and f*ck with you. The thing is, it's a social experiment. It's you building your character off of other people, learning about yourself, mirroring, trying out new things. If people want to fight over that then if you thought sometimes you were worthless, look at these people, damn. Some people cannot accept their act and yet they are actually acting. Only they are acting that it's very real and it becomes so obsessive that it's almost schizophrenic in how they cling to their inner monologues. It's like improv but for everyday life. Every opportunity you have to talk to someone you could play a clown, a famous movie star, a pilot, a businessman, a gangster, a bum. Which one will you play? You could be anything and the people around you wouldn't know any different. You will be surprised how receptive people are. This builds confidence because it allows you to have a secret. That secret is you are playing a game. Through your imagination you are creating scenarios, you are playing roles, you are exposing yourself to social situations. Also, you have a secret and having a secret while communicating can be a good inner stress ball to squeeze sometimes. Sometimes just knowing that people don't know you're actually looking through this situation, can be really rewarding. I mean, when we talk about attachments, obsessions and even disorders attached to these, it can be very easy to melt right in front of people and believe you have to out everything in your mind, not have any boundaries, not keep secrets and allow people to wind their way into your trust circle where they may get more intimate priveleges and therefore know more. Your intentions are to use the social environment to better yourself and to test your boundaries, to try new things out, to see if you really are this or that person. In the game of social interaction you have to be able to, well, play the game, which means having your cards close to you. Everyone is playing a role. Can you find out which ones they are playing? Can you play along too? Can you counter their roles? I don't know if you've watched some social experiment videos on YT or somewhere similiar. People go out and they mirror other people's mannerisms and their attitudes and then see how they respond. It's all for the camera often but it's also insightful too. If someone is angry, they will be angry but they will simply mirror that person and if the person gets angry at the experimenter they get angry at themselves really! It's really funny but it really shows the power of the roles we play and how easily they can be identified and how we interact with them. We talk to people in different ways, right? We talk to our mum differently to our sister. We talk to our best friend differently to a stranger. If we move to a city we try and talk fluently if they don't get our accent. If we go on holiday to a foreign country, even more so. It's the same thing with what I am talking about. We go from local to world traveler, to son/daughter, brother/sister, best friend/stranger, work colleague, we act in certain ways around certain people. That's a game. Are we really all those people? Or are we really just understanding how to play the game that we can interact with as many people as possible and change how we do so to interact with said people? If so, well, that's a game really. From CD1 to CD2 to CD3 back to CD2 jump to CD5 then CD6 back to CD1.

Before you know it, social interaction has turned into a big stage and you are in the center of it. Now it's no longer serious. It's actually a bit of a joke really. People in cities playing their roles and doing their thing. People in rural areas playing their games. Government officials doing theirs. Shop workers doing theirs. The rich playing their game. The poor playing theirs. What games are they playing? What are their roles? Can you join in? Can you throw a spanner in the works and play contrary roles? Dress up as a farmer while in a business district. What will happen? Find out. I hope you see where I am coming from here. The point is; it's not all that serious but you have to jump in and flirt with what is going on and not be afraid of. When you get pushed, push back and then see what happens. Maybe so no to somebody one day, become aware of the response and note it. Now say no to someone else and see what happens. Now say yes. What happens. Be more emotional one time. What happens. Be more monotone and flat. What happens. Use lots of facial expressions and hand movement. What happens. What happens when you don't? To get experience in life sometimes you have to take off the thinking cap sometimes and play the game. You have to get involved and say f*ck it, what's the harm in joining in? What will I come as to the party? And everyday, you can come as whoever you want. That's life. The only limitations are the ones we set ourselves. Nothing is permanent unless we choose to make everything permanent and we choose to ensure that everything is futile and fatal and we can never change. In that case, sure, it will always be the same. Or, the next day something and someone could be different. That could be you. So long as you're not trying to play different games with the same crowd over and over again and you're not trying to beat a dead dog. Sometimes you have to know when to walk away. Sometimes I've taken my experiments too far and people end up ready to kill me (not literally but you get what I mean), I've riled up some random people or I've said the wrong thing to somebody, I've biten off more than I can chew and sometimes you end up on the wrong end of it. But, again, that's exposure to a situation that most people would sh*t out a brick dealing with. They would take it all so personal and believe it be indicative of something life threatening. That's why I like cities because there's always new flows of people and always new opportunities so you can practice more freely and so you are less likely to find yourself with the people you have encountered, and perhaps p*ssed off on your journey to sharpen your tools, saying "Look! It's that guy!".

Does it take confidence? If confidence is being able to see beyond illusions people play and have the courage to face them and then raise them with your illusion, then yes. But isn't that what poker is? Isn't that what job interviews are? Isn't that what speed dating is about? Isn't that what most 9-5 jobs are about? Isn't that what modern society is really about? Sometimes confidence really is being able to see the illusions and then raise with your own. I mean, aren't the best champions made of this? Nothing exists to make them champion and yet they manifest the champion mindset and they become champions. A champion is a construct defined by multiple layers of self delusions that end up manifesting into reality. Want to be a champion? Play the game. Delude yourself well enough and then keep the illusions going. Send yourself to near insanity perfecting your self delusions and now you are a champion. IIf you do it well enough you actually will become champion. That's how it works. Champions aren't born, they are made. Likewise and with all successful relationships, there is a creation of that person in order to have that relationship. The person is a construct. Person means persona which means mask. So a personality effectively is a mask. Person, personality, persona. Two masks make the relationship. We both come with masks. We just trust the other person is really who they say they are. What do those masks consist of though? Is another story and maybe we will never know. Do you really know your mother? Do you really know everything about your best friend? It's not rare for those answers to be a resounding no. We often don't know all there is to know about something. Isn't that a prime example of people wearing masks? Do you know what your mum does with your dad when you are away? Or likewise, do we know what anybody does when we aren't there? We aren't meant to know in all cases and that's okay. We all share this desire to hide ourselves from others. You can never be completely open because then you would cease to exist. You would have no boundaries and that would be a dangerous place to live in. There is an element of shutting the world out and saying f*ck off. But to what degree we do that and how functional it is is another matter. What mask will you wear?

It's weird because we are taught to be real. But to be a real person is really to be a convincing fake. The idea is to.. what exactly? Convince others we are real. What IS real? If we are able to create ourselves everyday, there is no concrete us, me, you.
Are we real? Well, that's an existential question. We are and we are not. We don't exist and we amount to nothing while at the same time our capacity to visualize and then manifest our existence is huge. That's our social interaction. That's the game. That's the image of ourselves reflected by our culture, by our society. We channel what we want to see into reality. We manifest our realities and then we project them onto the world and people embrace them. And people do and will embrace them. If you think they won't then they won't. You need to be able to get out there and manifest things to find out.

You have to take the risks. You have to be willing to lose. You have to be willing to fail. To make a fool out of yourself.
But sooner or later, making a fool out of yourself IS the best part because now you are exposing yourself to what before you thought you couldn't live through

At the end of it all, what stops us sometimes is, like I said, our own interpretations of the world around us. Or better put, our models. What happens when we broke those models? What happens when we test others? What happens when we join in and just say f*ck it let's do this?

You can do this man