Help! i really just want to throw in the towel

[tchotchk3]

ive struggled with depression practically all my life. im 28 yrs old and the first time i remember the overwhelming feeling of loneliness and wishing i could die i was in the 4th grade.
next month i turn 29 and not much has changed. ever since i opened up about my depression when i was 17 all ive been told is to “get over it” “you’re just not trying” “exercise, you need sunlight” “be more positive”.
i really tried everything. i did dbt, off and on years of therapy, meds, etc. i still feel so detached. i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder the second time i was hospitalized when i was 20. so looking back at it of course nothing worked. i have something wrong with my chemical makeup/brain.
meth has been the only thing that helps drown out all my scary thoughts and numbs me enough to get out of bed everyday and go to work and see my friends and what not.
stuck between being a lowkey functioning addict (you’re always teetering on the edge of losing control though) or getting sober and feeling apathetic again. i was sober for 4 years, and those were the worst in the way i pretty much was a zombie and just moved through the world. i didnt really hang out with friends. i would just go to work come home and rot on the couch and repeat. i wasnt a human
when can I just give in and give up. i wish euthanasia was a legal option.

 

[paranoid android]

Whats meds have you tried for depression? Alot of people are having sucess with ketamine these days or rather s ketamine in Canada which is much better imo. Psychedelics can also help.

As far as meth goes maybe try switching to dextroamphetamine or addies instead? No telling whats in street meth also the meth psychosis is always a risk

 

[washingtonbound]

ive struggled with depression practically all my life. im 28 yrs old and the first time i remember the overwhelming feeling of loneliness and wishing i could die i was in the 4th grade.
next month i turn 29 and not much has changed. ever since i opened up about my depression when i was 17 all ive been told is to “get over it” “you’re just not trying” “exercise, you need sunlight” “be more positive”.
i really tried everything. i did dbt, off and on years of therapy, meds, etc. i still feel so detached. i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder the second time i was hospitalized when i was 20. so looking back at it of course nothing worked. i have something wrong with my chemical makeup/brain.
meth has been the only thing that helps drown out all my scary thoughts and numbs me enough to get out of bed everyday and go to work and see my friends and what not.
stuck between being a lowkey functioning addict (you’re always teetering on the edge of losing control though) or getting sober and feeling apathetic again. i was sober for 4 years, and those were the worst in the way i pretty much was a zombie and just moved through the world. i didnt really hang out with friends. i would just go to work come home and rot on the couch and repeat. i wasnt a human
when can I just give in and give up. i wish euthanasia was a legal option.

Sounds kind of similar to my situation. I was diagnosed bipolar at 19 after having drug induced psychosis. I basically went through ten years of having periodic drug binges, going manic and psychotic, and returning to reality again feeling anhedonic, lazy and depressed. I've been basically sober for a year and a half now, and I get what you're saying about the zombie feeling. I also tried meth once and it helped with the thoughts like you mentioned, but also gave me a bit of paranoia so I didn't feel compelled to try it again. The last vice I recently gave up was nicotine. For the bipolar brain, I found that nicotine is quite detrimental. I realized I was addicted a couple months ago and knew I needed to stop. I haven't been doing very well sober either. I don't particularly enjoy things I used to, like making music, skateboarding or traveling. Really don't like being around people either, despite not wanting to be totally isolated. This feeling has been getting stronger over the last couple years, being sick of people and life in general.

I also didn't have much luck with therapy or meds either, if anything it had a more negative effect. I realize my brain wiring isn't right like you mentioned, and I'm hoping sobriety eventually makes me feel more even, although at the moment it just sucks and I don't see the point. But drugs and psychosis aren't an option anymore.

What does help me some is intense swimming. I hate the gym but if I swim for a couple hours it makes me feel better than doing nothing. Maybe that would help you. Long hikes as well.

 

[garygroundwork]

yeah I hear you

not gona say anything besides you got to try some things

my mate went on Zoloft. Changed his life

not saying it will work for you ..but something will make it better.

 

[chippermonk]

I have no real answer but I have a friend who had some really serious issues with being bipolar. He tried a number of prescribed meds, weed, lithium, Adderall, I don't know what all. But he's 41 now and somehow over the last few years he has really settled in and is doing much better. I don't know what he may be prescribed but he's definitely not taking street drugs. So time and patience and trying different things seems like it can help.
Good luck