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I put this off for a while and I have to stop. Yo!

cuivre

cuivre

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
107
Location
USA
Honestly, it's a little weird being in this spot again and it's been a long time since I have been. Not here specifically, of course. I don't go on hundreds of forums. I have an almost laser-like focus on the few that I frequent and I do everything in my power to retain my personal status-quo in that regard. I don't like change. I thought about whether or not to bring it up, whether I should bury the lede, or what. But I guess it's best for me to just be relatively upfront about the fact that I was a really high ranking member on another forum with the same subject matter, got really involved and focused on helping out with their version of crew stuff like I do, and as I inevitably got closer and closer to the inner circle there I ended up seeing a lot of stuff I absolutely hated from the people actually running the show. I hated pretty much all of it, really. I hated it so much I left after five years, in May of last year. I'm more than happy to talk to anyone more about it, but I don't think this is the place. If it is the place, then cool, fuck them. I don't want to name names... here... either, but the website in question rhymes with "Rugs For 'em."

But, I am new again and so be it. I don't want to sound all high or mighty either, that's just the place I'm coming from. It turned out not to be a good place.

I'm a chronic pain patient and an opioid addict. I smoke a(n un)healthy amount, too, also for pain but also for because I like getting high. I became really passionate about harm reduction and just helping out in general over my years at Rugs For 'em (sorry, last time) and I really just couldn't stay away. To be perfectly honest I was probably devoting too much time there and I'm glad I took a moment to step back... but I like being part of a community of sensible users.

Thanks for having me.
 
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Sounds good, buddy! Welcome. Im a chronic pain patient with Crohn's disease. Been on opiates since age 22 and never abused them until last year at age 36. Such a dumbass move by me...but I was hurting and have built an insane tolerance. Still no excuse, but now trykng to kick the abuse and ween down on meds. Ive been checking into weed for pain and other things lately. Just wish it was legal here.
 
Thanks both of you. I definitely will Captain. The one good thing about coming from a place like I did is that I always make sure to carefully read the rules before doing too much of anything, but I'll make sure I ask if something doesn't make sense.

JustADude, I have a similar but highly protracted history. I'm only 24 but have been on opioids on and off for about seven years, daily for the last 3 or so. I pretty much couldn't stop myself from abusing them from the get go. However, at that point an abusive dose was one in the same as a therapeutic dose so it didn't make a huge difference. Things got a little out of control but then the pain that I was originally prescribed the meds for cleared up and I was off for a year. Then an entirely different thing started causing problems and when I eventually got back on the opioids I figured I was getting a second chance not to screw it up. Obviously it didn't take long for me to do it again, anyway. I've kind of reached a stalemate here, which was certainly part of the catalyst for actually becoming active on BL. I don't want to up my dose any more because I know I'm already taking massive amounts at a time. I've actually managed not to change the dose for the past few months, so that's something I guess. It's all prescribed but I'm also abusing it. I never run out but that changes very little, just means I'm not suffering through WD every few weeks atm but otherwise that's about it. Every time I tell someone who isn't my pain specialist just how high a dose of everything I'm taking, I'm reminded that it really is huge... worse by ten because of my age.

MMJ is legal where I live but I don't qualify; I'm in one of the couple of states with particularly strict and ridiculous rules. I'm planning a move soon, coincidentally to a state where I will definitely qualify, so I'm holding out hope I'll be able to make a drastic opioid reduction once that happens. I'm just not quite ready yet, not that anyone ever is. I just know I'd fail now if I tried, whereas I'm actually excited at the prospect of giving it a shot once I'm settled. So I'm trying to tread water for the time being.
 
Damn!!

@cuivre, I just write a huuuuge welcome & promptly lost it. Prob serves me right as I was having a whinge...

That you're lucky enough to be able to get a buzz from your meds & yet not run short!
We share a number of factors & I've so far enjoyed reading your posts in other threads.

I'm also a Cpp, & addicted to opiates. I'm prescribed a fairly high dose, which has remained stable for over two years, however my pain hasn't & my condition has progressed.

My pain specialist is resistant to an increase of opiates, citing health issues such as hormonal, endocrine, dental amongst many others I've forgotten atm, as reasons reaching high-end doses of these meds would not be desirable. Also my age. I'm regarded as quite young to be prescribed & require, such amounts.

So, like a rat on a wheel, & also like many BL pain patients,- every month I have to put up with pain-in-the-arse Wd's. Not literally,lol. It's not too bad, I cover those days with Pregabalin & that covers most wd symptoms. Though I feel like I'm walking on marshmallows, that's if I can be bothered getting up from the couch & not spending my time reading on here.

This community's a great comfort. M'k, that'll do for now, thought I'd stop by & introduce myself. Sure I'll bump into you on other threads from time to time. Btw, I did lol at your post in the chronic pain megathread. Last time I went to hospital it took them 12hrs to set up a drip, for the same reason I was there the previous time, for the exact same reason & circumstances. After "following protocol" & starting me off with NSAIDs, followed by paracetamol, then amytriptyline. "It's our policy to try these meds first". Grrrrrr!!

Enjoy being new again,

Rtp
 
RtP- Well "lucky" is a relative term, right? I absolutely need the meds but I often question whether I need so much, probably not. Almost definitely not. I mean I'm sure as shit happy I have so much when I'm pretty well buzzed but once I crash I worry what I'm doing to myself, especially because I plug a lot. I guess it's better than heroin.

It's funny, my doctor has basically never once brought up any of those concerns re: long term use with me and of course I know they exist. I do trust him and now that I'm thinking on it I really don't know why he wouldn't have spoken to me about those kinds of things unless he assumes I already know. He might. Also, some are a risk-vs-reward question, I think... doesn't testosterone eventually bounce back? Anyway, it may also be because the opioids are very much a long-term stop-gap solution for me. I've been on them a while and probably will be on them for a while longer but they're not an ideal medication for my condition particularly. He accepts they work at least OK (better than anything else I've tried and it's been a lot) and wants me to function but I have my eye on a few other treatments on the horizon (some involving psychedelics, actually). Still I'm already approaching a few years of daily use so I'm not certain why he seems less concerned.

But I know I am lucky in a lot of ways right now. My doctor is one cool dude. To be sure, he's not just some script happy pill pusher; it took me years to find him and I am so fortunate that I did. Pretty much every doctor before him I was in that same rat wheel.

And yeah we do seem to end up in the same places often. Glad that post give you the lolz. The whole thing is fckin stupid but... haven't had to go to the ER since I started seeing my current doctor. TBH I'm a little worried I'm about two days away from needing to go because I finally fucked something up plugging so much and I've been meaning to make a post about it but have been a little resistant for somewhat obvious reasons. I can't follow my own advice and it's embarrassing.

It is nice being new in a lot of ways, but I'm not going to pretend it's not a little hard giving up the status... or really more the familiarity. I had made thousands of posts on the other forum and after that amount of time people pretty much know what to expect from you, at least the ones you always run into. Sometimes that can be good and sometimes it can be bad, but either way it's different being here. Pretty much all good though. I actually originally used the same username as on the other forum, decided against it, and had to go through the small hoopla of not-really-changing-my-username-but-still-getting-another-username. I'm glad I did.

Thanks for the reply. Sorry you lost the first one. Same thing happened to me yesterday. Giant PiTA. I copied this, just in case.
 
what state do you live in and not qualify for?

I have qualified regularly for a long time but have a history of prescription drugs; hence they want to keep me off these in my state (California), and always approve me

plus I have chronic pain

so I'm dually covered, and probably in other ways too if you count each individual med (pain relief, ADHD, anxiety, insomnia, etc)
 
Welcome to BL!
I joined on that other forum you mentioned and posted once when I realized I had overdosed and thought I was on my way out.
They seemed helpful at the time in some ways not others.
Regardless,
If you have any questions I used opiates for a long time.
There is a pain management thread on here too. I have spinal degeneration rather severely and just got an X-ray. Seeing a surgeon in April. Best of luck with what you chose to do moving forward.
Smoky :)
 
Captain H I'm in NJ which doesn't have a plain old chronic pain provision, only for [terminal] cancer pain, and possibly only with a six months diagnosis. Crazy right? There actually is a chance I qualify under an opioid/medication failure loophole-- I've been on literally dozens of non-narcotics "typical" for my condition which failed-- but NJ has a terrible MMJ infrastructure. There's not only a limit to the maximum amount of dispensaries allowed in the state (some crazy low number like six) but only one or two are in operation. It's just a mess. Coupled with the fact I'm hoping to move in less than six months, my PM doc is worried I won't get approved in time and even if I do will have a hard time actually obtaining it. Some people who signed up for MMJ in-state and actually do qualify are still waiting to get cards after being approved from the get-go.

I don't remember the exact conditions for NJ but it's something like Glaucoma, wasting or pain associated with HIV or cancer, and one or two other things. That's what it was in the beginning at least. I think maybe one related condition was added last year... whoopdee do. So I'm still doing research but doesn't sound like a real option until I'm gone.

Thanks for the welcome Smoky. The forum itself was not so much the issue as were the people who run it. I still have a great deal of respect for many of the most prolific posters from there but approximately negative respect for basically all the staff. As I said it's not super appropriate to get too far into it here but boy it was a shit show. I'm pretty sure I'm already following the big PMgt thread but thank you for the suggestion and thanks for the luck! I just need to hold tight for a bit, I feel... I know standing still can often go downhill instead of up but I do feel pretty stuck at the moment. There are worse places to be stuck as a patient who needs relief and an addict who loves drugs but it still doesn't feel very good.
 
Welcome to Bluelight.

I always wondered about Medical MJ. I know it sure helps with pain but unfortunately for me it is not legal here and my pain clinic drug screens and I abstain for the most part.

Do they make you go down on your pain pills if you get a weed rx? I think I would be a great deal better off if I could smoke marijuana for my pain and I really do not think I would crave my medication the way I do. I really do not see how anyone goes on chronic pain management for a long period of time and is not physically addicted.

I know I am addicted to my medication and have told my doctor that and they basically say "Just take it as prescribed, it is normal with some patients, its not like you abuse them." They did switch me over to a better medication for someone who struggles with the urge to take their pills too soon but still its not like they don't "know" the deal. But still they are doing the best they can in my case.

It really sucks having chronic pain. I never dreamed I would be opiate dependent but then I got injured bad several times. I have gotten off the medication all together many times just to see if it was drug habituation or legit pain to make sure I was not fooling myself. As much as I hate being on pain medication I still like it even though it does not get me high.

It is a shitty boat to be in but I really can't deal with the agonizing pain I am in without pain medication. Still I really would like to be able to smoke marijuana. It always seemed to work a hell of a lot better than tylenol or even percocet. But now at this point in my life I am truly opiate dependent and even if I was to stop, I doubt I would ever stop feeling sick. So yeah I do wonder if MMJ is supposed to replace or augment your pain medication.

Perhaps you could shed some light on that subject. I figured I would just move to a straight up legal state so I would not have to deal with the hassle but it seems like mmj is going to be legal just about everywhere very soon.
 
Unless you were asking already Captain.H, dopemaster, I think he'd know better than me!

Although what I can say is that my pain doctor has no problem with me smoking even though I get screened, so I do. It's not at all the same as being on MMJ but I have a good connection and I firmly believe I would need more opioids if I weren't smoking. I have spoken to a few people who live in MMJ states who were on huge doses of narcotics and able to significantly decrease after making the switch, so that's what I'm really hopeful for.

I've wanted to talk to my doctor for a while now about my problems. I really feel in my heart of hearts that he would work with me. On the other hand, it took me so long to find him and I'm so scared that if I spill I'll be cut off. I wouldn't be the first. I am completely honest about as much as I can be-- how much I take a day and a month, what I take at one time, what it's doing for the pain-- but he doesn't know I'm plugging so often or that it's getting me high.

I really think I could cover most of my pain with mj if I could actually get/afford the right amount, so there are a lot of incentives to make this move happen as soon as possible. That is the cardinal problem is the same as everyone else in this situation; of course I'm abusing them too but I don't know how likely it is that I'll be able to do much meaningful reducing without something else to cover the pain. However, I really can't go any higher (I mean I could but I won't). I don't think my doctor would either and I'm fine with that. Somehow I still have a little wiggle room with the prescription, so as far as I intend I won't have to increase my actual prescriptions for a while. I always try to break a tiny little piece of any one pill I'm taking to save and it really does work out at the end of the month. Hopefully I'll be able to hold out long enough to be able to get on the MMJ and start reducing.

I was thinking about moving to a legal state too for a while. That wasn't the only reason but it didn't work out either way, not to mention I do qualify for MMJ in almost every other state that offers it. I've been doing this shit for years.

Fuck.
 
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My regular doctor had asked me to quit smoking before I went to a pain clinic so I didn't really think it would be OK even though I have switched clinics.

It's not like I can just ask them "Oh btw, would it be cool to smoke weed?" I went into my last clinic using pain medication I was not prescribed because I had stopped taking medication and had another injury and I really could not stand the pain I was in. So when I got my rx they gave me a line like "The illicit drug use is going to stop, right?" So I would imagine even marijuana would be a drug in their minds.

If you have a clinic that is OK with you smoking weed that is a good thing. I had one regular doctor that was OK with it but would not give me high enough doses of pain medication. It definitely was a trade off to switch to a clinic that would give me twice as much but drug screen constantly and have basically a zero tolerance policy for testing positive for something you should not. I think you get 3 strikes but still it is easy to burn through those.
 
Yeah believe me, I know. This is my fourth pain management doctor (actually fifth if you count one terrible consultation) over the years for various problems and all of the others were the same way as yours. I've just searched high and low, and been fortunate enough to have the resources to do so, in order to finally find a doctor who I really mesh with well. Actually, I'm sorry, the doctor I was with before this also had no problem with me using marijuana illicitly for pain. Attitudes really are changing slowly about *that* particular illicit drug use in the places it remains illicit and while I'm not suggesting you just casually bring it up if you know it's a no go, that's just what I've found. I'm also in a very liberal area and both of the doctors in question are young guys so both of those things play a certain role. It's also legal medically in NJ but again I maybe-sort-of-or-maybe-not qualify but either way my current PM doc is all about common sense and risk-vs reward. He's far more concerned that I am not selling my medication or slamming dope than me smoking a little weed. I know he is in the minority, but on the other hand I came from another pain doctor who was the same way in a neighboring state.

If I wasn't simply honest with both of them I would have never known and would have continued to be incredibly anxious about it or forced to stop smoking under the assumption it counted under the no illicit substance rule that basically all pain clinics have. In both cases on the very first day I told them that smoking was helpful and I definitely had some in my system but I would gladly stop if it was against contract, and in both cases I was told it's fine. I don't know how your doctor runs his office or what the local climate is there, but maybe there's a nurse or physicians assistant who you feel you can at least float it by if you decide it's worth it? I would never suggest you do anything to jeopardize your spot in pain management and you know better than I do for your particular doctor's practice. I guess I just don't know what they would really do about you asking so long as you definitely weren't dirty, and either way it's not heroin. But I'm not oblivious about this and I've seen first hand even in my liberal area that for some doctors it's still a no go. It may not be that important to you right now either. I just thought I'd throw it out there.
 
I had one pain clinic refuse to look at my xrays, mris, cts, and such due to my age alone.

All the clinics here seem to care about is if your piss is on point. The clinic I go to now counts your pills and if you are on point you get rewarded with early fills. So if you keep the DEA off their ass they seem to give you an extra weeks worth.

Marijuana is not in the contract but narcotics are so I would assume the at marijuana would fall under the narcotic category. I would just soon move to an area were a doctor would rx it or you could buy it in a store. I have had doctors give me pain scrips that were weak and drug screened and were lie "dont say I said this, but the marijuana probably helps with the pain."

So I dunno. I am not in the position to risk losing my doctor. You can get kicked out for some trivial stuff and it happens all the time. People leave screaming, basically hysterical sometimes. I went to one clinic that was downright corrupt and whenever a new medication came out they would bring you in on a friday and make you take the lowest dose and you could come back monday or tuesday and get your old rx back.

I remember one time that happened and it was a really shitty drug and I was the only person who didn't tell the doctor to go fuck himself. It was weird the pharm rep was there posing as a patient asking everyone what they took and saying where you could fill the shit. Then I saw her at the only pharmacy watching people fill the rx. One person through a brick through the window on the way out. About the half the people filled the rx, but I was the only one who didn't go apeshit.

I got my apointment on monday and well the medication sucked and I was glad I had saved up some extra pills as this was not the first time they pulled that shit. Other clinics seemed to be married to a pharmeceutical company and a pharmacy. It is like that brand or ineffective doses if the company doesn't make that brand. Literally every single person in the clinic was prescribed a prostetic no matter what type of injury they had and they were all custom made by the same pharmacy.

So it is a rather dodgy business in my experience and to find a doctor that seems to give a fuck about your health is like winning the lottery. They might not give the highest doses but they seem to want you on the right medication. Still I think I will eventually switch. They did get me on a medication I am more comfortable on in the long run. I have had to do research on my own as far as non-narcotic prescriptions and gently suggest them. They really just are in the business of dolling out narcotics for the most part.
 
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