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i need to write, now, or i swear to god, i'm gonna f@#*king explode

SelectionIll

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 23, 2002
Messages
269
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i don't know what god had in mind for us. i'm sure no one else does, but i just feel very uninformed right now. what could his intention have possibly been. 'let me create a world. a world so large, so harsh and unforgiving, that the tiny fragile creatures i make to live there, have to depend on one another. i shall split up the lands they can occupy with vast expanses of turbulent waters, so wide, no man can swin across them. i will not make this land uniform. i will seperate all the important things these creatures will need for survival and pepper this globe with them. some of the most important things, i will hide in the most unlikely of places. and occasionally, i will create one of these creatures as delicate as a flowers petal, and i will have him be parented by heathens. i will have the people he needs to depend on most treat him the worst. the scars and welts and pain will define hi, but not toughen him. he will forever remain tender to touch, and even if he sews his ears shut, he will, forever, hear every foul word uttered against him.
now and then, i will allow the warm glow of hope to crease the black clouds that hover over him, body and soul. a wife. perhaps close friends. love. but he will pay for these dearly. i will strip him of his energy. i will take his very legs out from underneath him. everything sweet that passes his lips, be it food or drink or drug, shall ensnare him, and make him it's slave. he will never forget the horror his simplest mistake can make. he will bear the weight of a thousand sins and each will resonate in his churning mind. i will deny him sleep. i will deny him solitude. and when he needs it most, i will steal his resolve. then tenacity that has carrieds him through so many difficult nights, days, weeks, i will strip it from him.'
i have always maintained a bright outlook on the world. I am a romantic. i believe beauty and art and creativity will save us all. i believe in the inherent goodness in all things, and i rely on it for my survival.
but now, what has god done. i am sick, i am weak, i am dependant on person and product, and during this, my most vulnerable moment, a sniper is killing children in washington d.c.
we are making war with an enemy that has the capability, dormant right now, to destroy all those i love.
there are men and women in power that are saying and doing all the things i am fundamentaly against, and i am powerless to stop it.
what happened?
two years ago, all seemed golden and sky blue with infinite possibility.
today, my soul weighs more than the iron that it's wrought from.
i am too far behind. there is too much to overcome.
i have never thought about giving up before, but i see now that that's only because i've never been this close to total and complete defeat.
seemore,
please...no more
 
Get some vodka.
Get the old letters and shit the girl that broke your heart wrote you.
Sit down.
Blast anything by Seether (fav new band!).
Get drunk.
Cry.
Throw shit.
It helps sometimes. I know. :)
[ 09 October 2002: Message edited by: GentlemanLoser ]
 
Oh my goodness, you're making me teary-eyed. I'm sorry you have to go through what you're going through. Although I wouldn't even begin to know what it's like dealing with your issues, I do know what it's like to reach that point where you FEEL like your hands are tied and there is nothing that can be done. But, please know there is ALWAYS a bright side, a lesson, or a blessing somewhere. Surrender yourself in at least the smallest ways, and you will see that this is true. Hang in there.
Fathom
[ 09 October 2002: Message edited by: fathom76 ]
 
Man E, I don't know what to say, other than let it all go, which is 100 x easier for me to say than for you to do. Mel is right though, there is a bright side burried somewhere in this madness. There is a beautiful realization waiting to be discovered and when you find it, it will be like a dam breaking in you head/chest.
I am sorry. If I could take all of it and bear it so you wouldn't have to I would. You may not believe that, but it is true, I would in a second.
 
It sounds like you're going through a rough time, and it amases me that some one who seems so upset is still capable of wording their dilemas so terribly eloquently. I can only echo the aforementioned sentiments, and assure you that, like all the minor atrocities of this modern time, this too will pass.
Leunig has a cartoon, which you may find interesting. You can find it here:
Click Me!
The caption reads:
Let it go, let it out, let it all unravel!
Let it free and it can be a path on which to travel...
 
And yet it is that thing in us, the one that refuses to let us give up, that cries out in our darkest moments that "Yes, this I shall also endure", that we can't let go of.
Irony is not without a sense of itself.
 
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