Heroin I need to tell my story....New here..sorry if its in wrong place

[PoppyDreamz]

Hey all. I have been on a crazy journey these past few years. Started with drinking a lot...then doing tons of coke, then doing pills. I got pretty bad on the Roxies. I was stealing from work to support my habit. I got to where I was snorting 15 at one time (30 mgs), if I could get my hands on that many. I remember I went to a dealers house with a friend...they were talking in the bathroom...and I found his stash of pills, and took one of the bottles..it had about 30 pills in it. Nothing was ever said about it...But that was a stupid idea. Anyway... I would be very sick if I couldn't get any. But the first time I ever did a roxy, it was amazing. I loved it. But of course, my tolerance got way high. Eventually I got fired, and couldnt afford to continue my habit. I got another job, but wasnt making as much money. But a friend of mine was getting some heroin and needed a ride. So I gave her a ride, and she shot me up for the very first time. I was so nervous..I never thought I would be using heroin and shooting up...EVER. But i loved that even more than the roxies. Over the next few days, she kept asking for a ride, and would hook me up with some. She still shot me up every time. Eventually, I got her dealers number....and started getting it myeslf. The first time I tried shooting myself up..I had a hard time...but eventually I got pretty good. I loved it more than anything. I started stealing from my new job just so I could continue buying heroin. One night, I was fucked up and driving. I got pulled over...the cops saw syringes in my car, and searched it..they found burnt spoons with the cotten in it and many needles. I was terrified. But thank god..he just preached to me..told me this life will lead to nowhere, and someone will find me dead with a needle in my arm one day. So he let me go. You would think I would have chilled out at that point. But I got worse. Doing more and more heroin. Thats all I ever thought about. Eventually I got caught stealing at this new job...they reported it to the cops. I had a detective investigating it and everything....But I begged the owner to please not press charges. He ended up cutting me a break and didnt press charges. Or I guess not..I havent heard anything else about it. I have been to jail 2 times recently for shoplifting. I just get fucked up and steal things because I dont have the money for it because I spent it on heroin. I got yet ANOTHER job, and that was supporting my habit for a little while. I did still from them a couple times. I know..its terrible. Just recently..I got pulled over as I was on my way to my dealers house. It was midnight, and I just turned on his street. A cop pulled me over. He ran my name..and I had a warrant out for a ticket I never paid! So they took me into jail. At this point, I was just numb to everything. I didnt cry, didnt get mad..nothing. Just sat in the police car, wondering how long I would be in jail. Also..I was worrying about being sick...because I was already needing that shot of heroin. I ended up telling the cop I was an addict, becase I was curious if they give you any medecine in jail for it. He told me they did. Thank God. So I got booked in jail..talked with the nurses, told them I was a heroin addict. And luckily they did give me some detox medication. It took away about 80% of the withdrawals. It was amazing. I ended up staying in jail for 8 days. My car got towed that night...and they found drug paraphanalia and a tiny bit of heroin in my car. So now I have to go to court for that in a couple weeks. So..I have been staying with my parents. The next day, after I got o ut of jail...I bought some more heroin. I was wanting it so badly. So I got some, and it was amazing. That was a week ago. So...at this point, I am not physically addicted, since I detoxed in jail. But it is all I think about. I dream about it every night. I miss it so badly. This sound pathetic huh? But its the truth. I have to get a job. I have no money. I dont want to get back into having to do it everyday just to get by....But I want to be able to do it every few days or only on weekends. Because it felt amazinng when I did it the other day after taking an 8 day break! And my family just doesnt understand. Addiction is so hard, and is a disease. But I am not ready to completely stop. Don't know what to do.

 

[Ohayou]

You sound incredibly psychologically addicted. It's almost impossible to quit if you don't REALLY want to, I hope that doesn't sound sound too discouraging, but you probably already know this.

 

[sweetstufflover]

Stop to feel sorry for yourself. It's not your fault, it's the control system's fault. All the laws in this world are there to enslave humanity. Drug laws especially. In a fair world that respects human rights, you would get all the opioids you need.

You are ill. Your body need external opioids so that you feel healthy. No wonder... we are BOMBARDED with toxins and EM-frequencies... more and more people get ill and need this. And doctors call this "being an addict". You may be physically dependent, but THAT is not the problem. That's not the main cause why you need that stuff. It's a biochemical disbalance in your body that leads to the symptoms you experience, or to put it another way: That's why you feel released and good when you consume opioids.

Alcohol and opioids are the most effective substances out of all "addiction-medications". Alcohol is extremely toxic, whereas opioids are absolutely not toxic (at least most of them). Other drugs like uppers (cocaine, amphetamines...) are not suited for treatment, as they are too dangerous and they don't really help with all the symptoms.


My advice to you would be:
Because you aren't physically dependet at the moment, use that advantage. I know that you need your medication daily, but this world is controlled by very very very bad people that have set up an Orwellian State (or even an Orwellian World/Globe!) and drug laws are irrational and don't respect human rights. Please try not to become physically dependent again, or at least try to keep the tolerance low. Stop shooting. Stay with oral consumption. Buy codeine or things like that. I know that oxycodone (originals), heroin, morphine and other opioids like that are better as they can be consumed in various ways, but you know what follows... the control system will catch you, because in their eyes you are a bad person. In fact, they see us all as nothing more than cattle. It's fact. And you - in their eyes - are nothing more than ill cattle, so you're even less worth in their eyes. Try to make it through... keep the tolerance low, try to stay with oral consumption.

I don't know if it helps you, but maybe cannabis could help you out to keep your opioid tolerance low or to be a substitute on days when you don't consume opioids. I know some people who do this. I haven't tried that, but I will in the near future.

If you only could read German... there's a brilliant website that's all about the theme I wrote about in my post... it's called "Morphinistenseite"... or in English: "morphinist's site". A morphinist is someone who needs opioids to feel healthy.
The URL to the site is: www.carlitos-amsel-vom-holunderstrauch.net
The direct URL to the morphinst's sites (there's two of them) are:

http://carlitos-amsel-vom-holunderstrauch.net/MorphinistenseiteEins/index.html (first one)

http://carlitos-amsel-vom-holunderstrauch.net/MorphinistenseiteZwei/index.html (second one)

 

[cj]

Yep its a fucked up lifestyle if I was you I would get on suboxone or methadone to get through the probation that is surely coming.

 

[PoppyDreamz]

thank you so much for your post, sweetstufflover. very interesting. i am going to do my best to use VERy rarely. I am going to wait a bit longer, maybe this strong desire to use will slowly weaken. But I dont think so

 

[Herbal~Jah]

well first of all you gotta get that stupid concept that addiction is a disease, the only thing I would maybe think could be considered an "addiction disease" would be to the opiates as they change the way your brain works and you get sick when you stop... but still how can you call addiction a disease when cancer is also a disease, someone doesn't choose to get cancer (not counting lung cancer from smoking and shit like that)... I'd like you to go tell a cancer patient with brain cancer that you too have a disease called "addiction." People don't choose to get a disease, addiction is a choice you knew was possible when you decided to pick up that drug...

Watch the Penn & Teller: Bullshit episode called "Twelve Stepping" <--- they go into the whole "Addiction is a disease" thing, but mostly referring to alcohol..

Check out this clip from the show that talks about Addiction being a "disease" : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZRS-9JNBUc

Here's the full episode, its pretty good, as I hate twelve steppers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uU2YliYttnQ

 

[Herbal~Jah]

Addiction a Disease?

well first of all you gotta get that stupid concept that addiction is a disease, the only thing I would maybe think could be considered an "addiction disease" would be to the opiates as they change the way your brain works and you get sick when you stop... but still how can you call addiction a disease when cancer is also a disease, someone doesn't choose to get cancer (not counting lung cancer from smoking and shit like that)... I'd like you to go tell a cancer patient with brain cancer that you too have a disease called "addiction." People don't choose to get a disease, addiction is a choice you knew was possible when you decided to pick up that drug...

Watch the Penn & Teller: Bullshit episode called "Twelve Stepping" <--- they go into the whole "Addiction is a disease" thing, but mostly referring to alcohol..

Check out this clip from the show that talks about Addiction being a "disease" : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZRS-9JNBUc

Here's the full episode, its pretty good, as I hate twelve steppers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uU2YliYttnQ

 

[etnies]

Be thankful that you're alive because my best friend Mike died 2 months ago from doing H. Try getting some suboxone or methadone....don't be like my friend and replace a opiate addiction with a benzo addiction.

 

[Swimmingdancer]

People don't choose to get a disease, addiction is a choice you knew was possible when you decided to pick up that drug...

That's really ignorant. As if anyone would CHOOSE to have an opiate addiction! People become addicted because something is wrong in their brain chemistry in the first place. They are self-medicating. They also don't fully comprehend the potential consequences, they are not being rational, they just know that when they use they feel better. Then, the inadequate "treatment", the drug, ends up worsening the problem and creating physical dependence. The only way to treat addiction is to determine the causes of the addiction and find safer methods of treating the imbalances in the brain. It is a really tough long process and there is definitely no easy cure. Saying that addiction is a choice is an extremely harmful myth.

 

[TheLostBoys]

thank you so much for your post, sweetstufflover. very interesting. i am going to do my best to use VERy rarely. I am going to wait a bit longer, maybe this strong desire to use will slowly weaken. But I dont think so

When you have gone through what you have & were addicted to it as bad as you were, only thing I can say is good luck with trying to use every so often. Its either stop using & get on methadone or you will probably go down the same road.............

 

[Znegative]

That's really ignorant. As if anyone would CHOOSE to have an opiate addiction! People become addicted because something is wrong in their brain chemistry in the first place. They are self-medicating. They also don't fully comprehend the potential consequences, they are not being rational, they just know that when they use they feel better. Then, the inadequate "treatment", the drug, ends up worsening the problem and creating physical dependence. The only way to treat addiction is to determine the causes of the addiction and find safer methods of treating the imbalances in the brain. It is a really tough long process and there is definitely no easy cure. Saying that addiction is a choice is an extremely harmful myth.

Yeah, I agree addiction is a disease, or at least a mental illness. My reasoning being, is that most people do not want to become addicts. They try heroin because they're curious. People that aren't addicts will try heroin and choose not to do so again, addicts will keep experiencing with it because it effects them a different way. I truly do believe this, because I have at least three friends who tried heroin, loved it, but never felt like doing it again. For me it was different, I tried heroin, loved it and continued to use despite negative consequences.

I think drug treatment models could be changed, for instance, compete abstinence IMO is great, but a lot of people will fail at it. I wrote a bit about this in another thread about successful occasional heroin use.

In complete abstinence programs, using any substance is considered a relapse into youre addiction. Because of this, I feel like every time that I have relapsed its been iron heroin, because it seemed that to relapse on weed was stupid as it isn't my DOC, and will still be viewed in 12step programs as a full blown relapse. I believe recovery should be based on living a healthy lifestyle, and if it includes occasional drug use that isnt completely self destructive, than that should be fine. I you can live life abstaining from all substances that's great too, but a lot of people end up relapsing. A lot of people end up relapsing no matter what.

Anyway, suboxone has really helped me out and I recommend looking into it for the op

 

[debbbideb]

what do you call diabetes..most call it a disease. Cause and effect. I don't think calling people stupid because they have a different point of view is that intelligent.

well first of all you gotta get that stupid concept that addiction is a disease, the only thing I would maybe think could be considered an "addiction disease" would be to the opiates as they change the way your brain works and you get sick when you stop... but still how can you call addiction a disease when cancer is also a disease, someone doesn't choose to get cancer (not counting lung cancer from smoking and shit like that)... I'd like you to go tell a cancer patient with brain cancer that you too have a disease called "addiction." People don't choose to get a disease, addiction is a choice you knew was possible when you decided to pick up that drug...

Watch the Penn & Teller: Bullshit episode called "Twelve Stepping" <--- they go into the whole "Addiction is a disease" thing, but mostly referring to alcohol..

Check out this clip from the show that talks about Addiction being a "disease" : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZRS-9JNBUc

Here's the full episode, its pretty good, as I hate twelve steppers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uU2YliYttnQ

 

[debbbideb]

I think sometimes even just talking about fighting cravings help. One day at a time.. Rarely is not a word that goes well with H. it seems like your at the top of a slippery slope and the bottom really fuckin sucks. I love Methadone.

thank you so much for your post, sweetstufflover. very interesting. i am going to do my best to use VERy rarely. I am going to wait a bit longer, maybe this strong desire to use will slowly weaken. But I dont think so

 

[shields]

I think referring to addiction as a disease can be dangerous as it defers responsibility for your actions IMO.

And no, nobody chooses to be an addict, but they did make the initial decision to take that drug knowing the possible implications, it's like stepping out into a busy road, you're not out to get run over, but you know there is that possibility. Nobody chooses to get a disease, at no point is there a choice. I do agree though that a drug addiction can be symptomatic of mental illness.

Back to the OP: you obviously have a strong psychological addiction already, but get the hell out while you can, getting off it now is a walk in the park compared to a full blown physical addiction. Just read through some post by people in the Dark Side forum; Heroin addiction is a long dark road, do you really want that for yourself?

 

[Sepher]

Poppy, you're discovering that the physical withdrawal is in many ways the easy part, and now comes the hard bit. Your psychological craving will never go away so long as you keep chipping. Even if it's only infrequently you'll keep topping it up, counting the days till you can use again, all the while you're not using feeling like something's missing. Chances are when you do have money you'll score, and the gaps between using will get shorter and shorter, till you're knocking on the door of another habit. The only cure for craving is clean time. It will fade if you let it.

I think you only have two options: you can decide getting locked up was the best thing that could have happened to you and from this moment on you're done with opiates, or you can resign yourself to constant cravings as you try to manage recreational use bearing in mind you're gonna struggle to do that and will likely end up with another habit and all the consequences that brings. I don't think there's any middle ground for ex-addicts. I've never known one manage it successfully anyways.

 

[sweetstufflover]

It's not the physical dependence that's the desease. That's just something you have to deal with when you're medicating yourself/treating yourself with opioids, because you have an endorphine-neurotransmitter-system that's not working properly. That's the desease. It's a malfunction on a very basic level in the brain. The area, or... no... let me put it like this: The level at which a person who needs opioids is ill is very profound. It affects EVERYTHING. Behavior, feelings, emotions, thinking, well-being (physical and psychically) and so on.

Even if people "detoxed" (what a disgusting word, opioids aren't toxic; but we have much much more disgusting words in German... "Suchtgift" for example, which means "addiction-poison"), they'd still need the opioids. Yes, the physical dependence is gone, BUT that wasn't the reason why the person has taken the opioids in the first place. It's the brain desease on a neurotransmitter-level. And it makes people feel so bad that they go crazy or even kill themselves - if untreated - as we can see everyday.

Something different:

I really want you to go deeper down the rabbit hole and watch some David Icke videos. It's all dots that need to be connected so you get the bigger picture. All the drug prohibition and the belief systems that come with them are there to enslave humanity, to gain power over humanity. Drug prohibition is a MAJOR tool of control.

I don't want to convince anybody. Think whatever feels right to you, but keep in mind: Where do your thoughts come from? Is it really your opinion (that opioids are bad and physical dependence is a problem - NO IT IS NOT! if the world was just, people who need opioids would get them, so the dependence wouldn't be a problem, and withdrawing would be quite easy as people would have enough opioids to taper-off very very slowly) or do you have it from our "education system" (=programing system/indoctrination system), the media, your parents?
Break the chains in your mind, open up to all possibility and you'll see that it's all connected. Drug prohibition is so profound in terms of controlling humanity. But it's not the only one. There's so much... and to better understand why drug laws are as they are, you need to know why other things are as they are. That's why I urge you to gain more knowledge. More REAL knowledge. Research on your own and you'll find more pieces of the puzzle. But for the start: David Icke is a common "researcher". I know he's also part of the game, but about 80% of his information is absolutely valid.

 

[method own girl]

I have one word: methadone. I truly believe that some of us will never function normally again in our lives without opiates once we've gotten to a certain point. Your brain chemistry has been seriously altered and can take years to get back to " normal" ,if it ever does. Methadone allows for you to lead a productive life and keep you on an even keel. I was about as bad as it gets. My entire body covered in tracks and scars. I have permanently damaged veins all over my body. I have permanent purple splotches on my feet from poor circulation from this. I was at the point of having to inject in my neck and femoral veins, VERY dangerous! Now, I have a steady job for years, nice home, and happy healthy children. I just drink my dose everyday and go on with my life. The legal risks are gone, the lifestyle risks are gone. Something you might want to consider...

 

[Shroomanator]

I've never been a fan of opiates but I find reading these stories very moving and I feel for you in a very lesser degree. I'm an pot smoker/mdma/mushies groupie but for me to get a job I am sober for all of my free time. This world is a sick place and they are taking away my happiness.

 

[Sepher]

I agree that addiction can be defined as a disease. A self-inflicted one of course, but an opiate addiction has a very real neurological mechanism behind a very real physical dependency that responds to medical interventions designed to treat that dependency, so in that regards it qualifies, the disease as mental illness angle being entirely seperate but equally as valid. Take away the opiate crutch from an addict and the psychological effect of that is very real, in a way that manifests itself physically. It's not just 'all in your head.'

I would not be so quick to recommend methadone or some other kind of maintenance, not unless the extreme chaos of your lifestyle threatened your physical well-being or safety. Once you're detoxed you're gonna have a hard time convincing anyone that your life would be less chaotic were you to be put back on an opiate, unless you're determined to keep chipping to the point of risking re-addiction and its consequences. I can't seem to find how long you were an addict, but regardless, simple fact is your body and mind will recover quite naturally given a long enough period of abstinence. You will have to adjust to not having the gear available as a mood enhancer or stabiliser and that can be difficult at first, you having to relearn how real emotions feel and how to cope with them now that you're not medicating them away, but going on maintenance does not make that any easier in the long run. You're just deferring payment. Might as well get it over with now, cos who can say if you'll have a better time than you have now at some unspecified future time?

 

[debbbideb]

I dont understand why they cant come up with a pill that would make everyone more excepting...not happier..not live longer... lol..i soulnd like a hippy but really i think acceptance is something that makes people happy...on all ends.. k ill keep reading but stop adding for the night...lol... cheers
I cant wait to watch/google this Icke person. I love what you said. Not gonna get detailed but I loved it. As for addiction and disease, well it's to me more about nurture vs nature... and weather our cells at birth are more prone to... some rather then others... want/feel better on certain chemicals. BUT ACCEPTING WHAT FEELS RIGHT is HARD. It is not what the 'norm' is. I'm so glad we have things like bluelight for our 'starting out drug people' to effect there 'education system' as u call it. What sucks is I am terrible cause i am 32 and would never directly tell either of my 11 or 16 year old stepchildren about it. (fucked up eh?)

It's not the physical dependence that's the desease. That's just something you have to deal with when you're medicating yourself/treating yourself with opioids, because you have an endorphine-neurotransmitter-system that's not working properly. That's the desease. It's a malfunction on a very basic level in the brain. The area, or... no... let me put it like this: The level at which a person who needs opioids is ill is very profound. It affects EVERYTHING. Behavior, feelings, emotions, thinking, well-being (physical and psychically) and so on.

Even if people "detoxed" (what a disgusting word, opioids aren't toxic; but we have much much more disgusting words in German... "Suchtgift" for example, which means "addiction-poison"), they'd still need the opioids. Yes, the physical dependence is gone, BUT that wasn't the reason why the person has taken the opioids in the first place. It's the brain desease on a neurotransmitter-level. And it makes people feel so bad that they go crazy or even kill themselves - if untreated - as we can see everyday.

Something different:

I really want you to go deeper down the rabbit hole and watch some David Icke videos. It's all dots that need to be connected so you get the bigger picture. All the drug prohibition and the belief systems that come with them are there to enslave humanity, to gain power over humanity. Drug prohibition is a MAJOR tool of control.

I don't want to convince anybody. Think whatever feels right to you, but keep in mind: Where do your thoughts come from? Is it really your opinion (that opioids are bad and physical dependence is a problem - NO IT IS NOT! if the world was just, people who need opioids would get them, so the dependence wouldn't be a problem, and withdrawing would be quite easy as people would have enough opioids to taper-off very very slowly) or do you have it from our "education system" (=programing system/indoctrination system), the media, your parents?
Break the chains in your mind, open up to all possibility and you'll see that it's all connected. Drug prohibition is so profound in terms of controlling humanity. But it's not the only one. There's so much... and to better understand why drug laws are as they are, you need to know why other things are as they are. That's why I urge you to gain more knowledge. More REAL knowledge. Research on your own and you'll find more pieces of the puzzle. But for the start: David Icke is a common "researcher". I know he's also part of the game, but about 80% of his information is absolutely valid.