i need to increase my emotional awareness for victory.

I've decided to give up caffeine and nicotine as well as the harder drugs. nicotine is day 2, but caffeine i still have a stash left to drink. not going to throw it out. but not going to buy more coffee nor nicotine.

i need to increase my emotional awareness for victory. i think. i need to know who i am better. that was one of the original reasons i began with drugs. i wanted to see who i'd be on drugs. and for a long time, that was the same person but happier. eventually i found myself stealing cough syrup to get high while homeless. was there a different path that could have happened?

what is the source of my social anxiety? why do i have such a hard time communicationg and bonding with others that I come off silent and unfriendly? i was raped and molested and abused, but so were many successful people. i recall thinking to myself as a child, that because i moved so often, i would give up trying to make friends with others, because they would just be lost. and basically like a switch happened and i stopped making friends with people, aside from a few abberations later on.

i'm so deathly lonely that i binge to bring my mind off it. i found that most people make all their friends by highschool and aren't interested in adding more post highschool. street people are different, since they didn't go to highschool. they stick to their definition of 'oldschool.' but street people are different everywhere, i believe, as i only know the streets of yakima, wa.

i'm a liar. it began when my dad was choking me because i said i didn't love him, because i didn't know what love was, i was 3 years old. i told him i loved him and he stopped choking me. from that point on, i lied to everyone. i lied that i was happy, that i was okay. i lied to myself that i wasn't lonely. i had to be okay, because if i didn't, it caused a huge problem with my parents, and they would hurt me, and after they stopped the physical abuse, they would guilt trip me.

that's why i can live off them today, guilt-free. except i feel guilt. but i shouldn't. they killed me. over and over again. ripping emotional pain that i would blackout from. i hate them so badly. i want to be away from them. but it makes the most sense to live with them.

but that's just my intrinsic emotional response. in fact, today, i'm grateful for my parents, as some people kick their kids out at 18. if that happened to me, i wouldn't succeed. i'd fail. by most definitions of both. there's little place for hate in normal life. i'm trying to live a normal life now.

the worst part is that they don't even remember abusing me. they think i'm off and that it's my own fault. fuckers! bastards! but its petty to worry about their opinion, but why do i have to be one of those that are constantly ameloriating their innate emotional response. why does my natural emotional state have to be wrong all the time? but that's a whiner's attitude. many people are off emotionally and are successful.

i need to find my calm again. i lost it from mdpv. i used to have preternatural calmness. but mdpv abuse lost it. i can find it again. my calm. in my calm, my emotional state is stable and non-combative. in my calm, the urges and hungers i have are transient and manageable. if i only realized that i needed/wanted to go to college while i still had my calm. but i never knew what i wanted until i crashed broke and broken. i got rid of everything i owned, and from there was a clear state formed. what did i want if i had nothing? no video games, no drugs to distract me. no free food stamps even. what did i want?

i reccomend to everyone to lose everything and have nothing. lose all your posessions at least once in your life, else how can you be sure you know what you're about? it's all distractions. peel away every layer of comfort and fun. when you have nothing, what do you long for?

i longed for drugs, and a shower, and clean clothes. aside from drugs, a shower and clean clothes doesn't seem like much, but it requires like 800 dollars a month to have a shower and clean clothes (you need a place for you clothes and you need a shower to shower). and that requires a good job.

i'm a curious person. i can remember that now. i'm also a superior-than-thou person. most people don't need to lose everything to realize they want the 'essentials' of life. why did I? because i couldn't imagine life without them. not that even. because i didn't trust my imagination. and i was right not to. it was worse than i imagined.

i learned that i would steal before going without. one of the most surprising parts of my life is to realize i'm a thief. and now i try to suppress it. no more stealing. why? because it's not fair, and i want to play fairly. i used to think stealing was fair. sometimes i still do. but stealing isn't fair, because other people don't steal, unless you're on the street where everyone steals from each other.

you're my new friend, blog. you're my new friend. it takes away the loneliness to write here.

 

that last post started honest, but then devolved into a superior-than-you attitude towards the crash of my life. i recall distinctly, in the beginning, purposely choosing the wrong choice, so i could experience it. but then i eventually stopped choosing the wrong choice and clung to it. i've many times amassed a video game collection and consequently sold it for dxm or meth. the first time, i was just curious to feel like a junky. and it was rewarding at the time, i guess. i felt like it was an adventure. that i was going into seldom-trod territory with my behavior and my mind. and indeed I was. but then i kept doing it, even when i wanted to keep the games.

many times i was frustrated with myself and my lack of ambition. i would smash my own computer because it was a distraction keeping me from some important self-realization.

i believe that realization is that i have violent instincts. and that i do care about everyone, and that i do care about learning and going to college. but also some other realization. it's on the cusp of my mind, yet i can't realize it. some message to myself about myself.

my addiction has been about lack of emotional awareness and an understanding of myself. i went from nothing being important, to drugs being important, to drugs and other things being important. i'm surprised how i destroyed my own life for lulz and interest. it's related to the cuts and burns i've inflicted on myself. i don't care about myself. but i used to respect myself, and like myself. now i like myself, and care about myself, but no respect. i'm nearly there.

sometimes i think that if i hadn't been burdened with such hatred when i was a child, i could have forgone the entire journey and just lived healthy and fun. but that's no good. what value would i have then? now i know how messed up people can get, and that it can happen to most anybody, and that i can sympathize with an addict, but typically shouldn't.

SYMPATHY ISN'T SUPPORT

let me yell it. sympathy isn't support. sympathy is a less egregious form of pity. everything i learned from my parents and sick and diseased. i wouldn't want it any other way. i'd be a self-involved somebody if it wasn't for this. let me learn the hard way that unhealthy living is evil and spreads mental illness.

i hate my parents so much, but that's petty. i hate them more than i've hated anyone else. i was an adult before i could admit it. they were so set that i appreciate them. they didn't do shit for me as a child. but that's petty. they support me well as an adult, and i'm not a child anymore, so it's all good. i love them. that's a lie. but they support me pretty well.

if i'm going to be stuck on my parents i shall not blog. they support me now, and that's all that matters now. the past is dead. it only matters now.

 

I give you a lot of fucking credit for what you are doing opening up about your DXM usage lazyluzzard. It takes a lot of balls without any doubt given how people talk shit, and that is on top of how conflicted and crappy you probably feel for having put yourself through this.

Keep up the outstanding work!