I need support, a friend, a kind word

[fantasyaddict]

I just moved to a different state, thinking things would be better for me, but they have simply gotten progressively worse. I left an environment that was toxic. My best friend for 7 years became a heroin junkie and she slashed my tires the day before my road trip. My home life was absolutely horrendous. I thought "Fuck it, this won't derail me." Once I began to drive through Oregon, the scenery changed so drastically that it reminded me of my childhood and I began to cry while having a panic attack. I realized that I have nothing left to do but face my demons. I need to get off the benzodiazepines, the opiates, the alcohol, the stimulants to face my demons but I am a complete mess. I am thin-skinned and there has been much venom and hatred being thrown my way these days. I don't even have the will left to live at times. I've been labeled this stubborn, antisocial, hateful person among a planet of social creatures. I've dealt with some betrayal recently with the person I moved to the other side of the west with and it has been eroding at my soul. Even my significant other's mother (who is unhinged herself) hates me all of a sudden when she was giving me lavish gifts and buying me dinner before.

I've lost nearly 20 pounds and I barely weigh 105 now that I have tried hard to put on some weight for possible employment. I'm severely underweight at 5'6 and I feel I might die soon...I'm at a very low point. I have no strength, no support.

I don't have a single source of comfort but the bottles, pill or alcohol. I've tried 4 therapists but none have worked for me. I just need a sponsor or maybe a human being who has been this low and can give me a hug, letting me know that there is the other side. Otherwise I see myself just ending this miserable existence. Almost everybody hates me. They loathe me. Truth is, I don't want to be "open-minded" and let other addicts into my life or degenerates. I want to be free from these shackles of anguish.

 

[Missykins]

They don't really hate you. It just feels that way right now. Do you think the drugs you're taking are making you a little paranoid (that may be too strong of a word)?

So you're trying to quit using. Many of use have been where you are now. What do you mean the therapists haven't been able to help you? You sound clinically depressed with a boat load of anxiety on top of it. When things are like this and you need to make a lot of changes it helps to start with the simplest one first.

Where is your partner in all of this?

 

[sconnie420]

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honey, we have a lot in common..feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk..I also suffer from depression, am antisocial, and at times have contemplated suicide..when i was younger, I even tried it a couple times.I am lucky enough though to have a man in my life who is my rock..plz know you are not alone.

 

[FordRiverFailed]

I think you will find plenty of support in this forum from people who can not only relate to your pain, but could possibly point you in the direction of some help. For me just typing things out helps alot. There are some really good resources stickied to the top of the dark side forum for suicide support and depression. Checking those out could help.

Wishing you all the best,
FRF