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TDS I Need So Much Help, Please Someone Read This

Hammer280

Hammer280

Greenlighter
Joined
Mar 18, 2018
Messages
18
Location
Xenia, OH
So long story short I started smoking weed at 14. Turned to daily use by 15, tried alcohol first at 14 as well, tried cocaine when I was 18 and then was horribly addicted (stealing from my parents doing balls a day) then got sent to rehab when I was 21.

Now, that the preliminary description is out of the way:

As soon as I got out of rehab I last about a week before I started to drink on a daily basis by myself, everywhere (work driving home friends houses) and I am now 22 almost 23 and have basically been drinking 12-24 beers in 24 hour periods ever since. Daily weed smoker as well. I lost every job, my favorite car, everyones trust (especially my parents again) and have had cirrosis of the liver a few months back.

Continued to drink after a 3 day hospitalization. And here's where I honestly thought I couldn't hit rock bottom. My parents love me so much and all I've done my entire adult life, is eventually let them down in the end. But, they continue to give their hearts to me.

The worst decision I've ever made in my entire life is smoking weed and drinking and getting introducsi to the scene period. The second worst decision I've ever made was try Methamphetamine 1 time a long time ago while I was addicted to coke. I hated it so much and swore I'd never touch it again. Then 8 months ago I was fired from the best job I've ever had and went to get weed from a friend and give him a ride but then he whips out some ice and in my depressed state I said fuck it and did a tiny line and was gone for 4 days. That was even worse than the first time. But I loved the first 6hr or so of it. One line has me going for days without a redose but ofc you do after you get like 3 hr of fake sleep.

That second time was what did it. I waited a week or two constantly thinking about it (never not drinking of course) then got drunk and a 'friend' I grew up with said he'd give me some weed for a ride but said he had ice too. That was 3-4 weeks ago and he got me hooked. I haven't had to pay for any yet.

I've lost everything, only reason I'm not crying writing this right now is because I'm zooting my balls off on meth. Only reason I haven't committed suicide is because of my parents. I know they know. I've been in this fucking room forever it seems like.

And I totally fucked myself up because I have 2 interviews this week for good jobs that don't drug test. Ones on Tuesday ones on Wednesday.

I'm trying to get the fuck off of this cloud. I've taken my daily Ativan beers don't taste good but calms me a little. And just recently I discovered that antidepressants (which I take one a day) are a big no no with meth. I'm fucked, my Dad means everything to me and I hate disappointing him. I'm not stealing, he drinks and buys me beer too. My mom used to smoke weed so she'll occasionally let me get some. But the only decency I've had so far is to not use the money they give me to go get more ice.

I have a trazadone that I can take but I want to drink more and I know that drinking with an Ativan and a trazadone after being up for days would put me 6ft under (not a bad idea?) .

Someone please just say something, anything.
 
I know the feeling man, I hid my use for years from my family, first opiates and coke, then meth. They only found out when I showed up on my mom's doorstep looking like a cancer patient. Talking to your parents about this is a good first step man, it sounds like they will be more on the supportive side, which is great. I know it's hard but it's vital, I'll be around all night if you need anyone to vent or talk to man.
 
I've told my parents about trying it twice and hating it, but haven't openly told them that I'm hooked at this point. They know about everything else.

And thanks bptubbs
 
bptubbs said:
Trust me, it's not pretty. It'll turn you into something you never imagined you could be, and not in a good way.
Click to expand...
It already has. The start of the high on Thursday got me 3 interviews. 1 was last week that I was too fucked for so I lied to my parents and just drove my car around the back of our barn and literally walked in circles for 3 hr then came back and told them it went great. Now I have 2 ideal ones this Tues and Wed that I'll almost definitely be incapable of making. I feel like such a failure
 
You're not a failure man, everyone has thier cross to bear, so to speak. We all fall on hard times, I feel that we as people should help each other find our way when we stray. We are social creatures, we're not meant to fight alone.
 
I know but I expected so much more of myself when I was younger. All I want to do is make my Dad proud. He drinks, has high blood pressure, and is always very stressed. I ball my eyes out to the thought of him dying without seeing me be successful.
 
Like I said man, the first step is to be honest with them, they will be your best resources to get better man. They're your parents they love you regardless. And you always have a place to vent here on bluelight, I'm around quite alot and am happy to lend an ear.

You can get through this man.
 
Just took 50mg of trazedone. My ativan is only 2mg and I took it 7hr ago. And I'm probably about to have a beer or two and then see how it feels before I lay down.
 
Alright man, feel free to pm me if you need to get my attention, I'm sure other regulars of this sub-forum will pop in and introduce themselves. I think you'll like this community, it's very supportive.

Forgot to add, welcome to bluelight.
 
Hi mate.

You have had a series of different drug addictions and it seems to me you have an underlying problem which is bringing this on.

Its like you pick up drink or a drug and escalate your use without being able or willing to curb or moderate.

Now why is that? Maybe just sit back and have a reflection on your young life so far and then talk to a drug and alcohol counsellor. I dont like talking to psychologists myself but they are there to figure out whats going on and how to address things you might not know are there that are pointing you in the drug direction. Regular long term counselling and support would help as well as not spending time with friends who do drugs when they are using. Good mates would be able to hang out with you without and support you.


As for parents: they really arent stupid and would have some idea that something is wrong or you are inder the influence of something at times.

Parents just want you to be happy snd able to look after yourself and live your life but they can see criticism and doubting you as helping- it doesnt but most parents do it anyway.


I would suggest you not make any rash decisions or talk to them while youre drug affected and take it easy on yourself for a while. Things look clearer when you straighten out.

In the meantime, talk online to an online counsellor or on the phone. Get some ideas from a total stranger who has heard many similar stories before.

Maybe you need to be in rehab again or naybe not, thats a decision that needs making by you and people who know about your history . Its helpful really if you cant keep away from drink and drugs by yourself or are dopesick. From what I read here you could just need to calm down a little and have a rest from beating yourself up

Youre far too young to keep going like this especially drinking and liver damage can repair itself but not after long term continual damage which scars it.

You should learn to control your impulsive decisions but hey so do I.


My parents have helped me in the past and I did have to tell them everything or so I thought as I was so fucked up I couldnt figure a way out on my own.

In hindsight I had other options that were around and regret going to them as our relationship had never been the same.

We live each other like always and always will but the disappointment thing really sucks . Im sure parents of people with addiction issues just wanted better for their offspring but it translates to us being failures to them. We arent at all, its just shit happens sometimes .
 
Last edited:
Hammer280 said:
I've told my parents about trying it twice and hating it, but haven't openly told them that I'm hooked at this point. They know about everything else...
Click to expand...

If you are anywhere near as out there as you sound, I think your folks know that something is very wrong. Perhaps not the exact situation, but certainly that all is not rosy. Meth affects the way people act and look to such an extent that it's hard to hide it. Sometimes, back in the short time I was hooked on it (mostly was a heroin or speedball user) I actually thought I looked pretty great. Mainly because I've always had a weight problem--not morbidly obese, but that problematic 20-40 pounds--and I lost the 40 or so pounds I had gained from a pregnancy and a couple of years locked up in prison really fast. Losing my "joint fat" and the fact that there was no heroin to be had in the town where I lived were the only reasons I was doing meth. (We still called it crank at the time, and where I was at it was mostly manufactured out in the country by biker cooks. Since I had been a biker's 'old lady' for quite a while and knew most of the locals, I could always get it, so I just fell into selling it.

Like I said, my opinion of myself was so fixated on how many pounds I weighed at a given time and nothing else, I truly thought I looked great. I didn't have many Kodak moments at that point of my life, but I did get a couple taken and looked at them long after I got clean and sober. I looked pitiful--yeah, I was skinny alright, but my face was so pinched in and my eyes so sunk into my head I almost looked like a corpse wearing sunglasses. Little stick arms, and I STILL had a big butt, dammit! I'm sure if my folks had seen me at that time, they'd of known something was amiss, even if not what particular flavor my insanity had taken.

Just a question to think about, you don't have to tell me or anyone else your answer. Have you been evaluated for psychological or emotional issues? You sound a bit like some of the bi-polar folks I know, and if you are bi-polar or suffer from depressive illness (as opposed to just being "sad" AKA depressed--having the disease of depression or bi-polar is a cat of a completely different color) it's going to be very difficult, if not impossible, to get your life back on track without some help in the mental health department, probably involving some medication. Since you mentioned some psych meds, but sounded like you were taking them at your own directions, I was a little confused. If you haven't seen a shrink, I suggest that you do. I think your parents would be happy to help you access some help in that direction.

It was such a huge relief to me when I finally found a really great shrink at a dual diagnosis treatment program (in a mental hospital) who finally diagnosed me correctly and started me on medication that really helped. The best part was him telling me that he understood perfectly why I hadn't been able to remain clean and sober--every time I quit street drugs for longer than about a day, the hamster wheel in my brain would start running again, and I just couldn't take it. At that point I had to self-medicate. Also, though, he made me take responsibility for treating my conditions. I'd been on meds before but told myself that I was just playing with them and didn't really need them. So when I got to feeling better, or when it got really dark, I'd quit taking them. And go off the deep end again, time after time. I no longer allow anyone to shame me because I take psych medication. I don't talk about it openly at most meetings, as I go to AA and they believe, more than NA, that my illness is none of their business. As long as I am only going to one doctor to get meds and I'm doing what that doctor says to do, and taking them as prescribed, I consider myself to be keeping my disease(s) in check.

One more thing--you said you didn't think you could do this alone. Nobody can do it alone! You don't have to. You don't have to go to rehab, either, unless that's what you want to do. Lots of people get into a recovery support group like AA, NA, or one of the many secular groups like those that emphasize Cognitive Behavior Therapy. Just having people to talk to who feel and think like I did was amazing! I thought for so long that I was completely alone in the world and that nobody would even even understand me, much less accept me. Start with some honesty toward your parents, though. You sound really tore up that you haven't been, and it sounds like they love you enough that they'll just want to help you. Hope you stick around, and welcome to Bluelight!
 
LopLover said:
If you are anywhere near as out there as you sound, I think your folks know that something is very wrong. Perhaps not the exact situation, but certainly that all is not rosy. Meth affects the way people act and look to such an extent that it's hard to hide it. Sometimes, back in the short time I was hooked on it (mostly was a heroin or speedball user) I actually thought I looked pretty great. Mainly because I've always had a weight problem--not morbidly obese, but that problematic 20-40 pounds--and I lost the 40 or so pounds I had gained from a pregnancy and a couple of years locked up in prison really fast. Losing my "joint fat" and the fact that there was no heroin to be had in the town where I lived were the only reasons I was doing meth. (We still called it crank at the time, and where I was at it was mostly manufactured out in the country by biker cooks. Since I had been a biker's 'old lady' for quite a while and knew most of the locals, I could always get it, so I just fell into selling it.

Like I said, my opinion of myself was so fixated on how many pounds I weighed at a given time and nothing else, I truly thought I looked great. I didn't have many Kodak moments at that point of my life, but I did get a couple taken and looked at them long after I got clean and sober. I looked pitiful--yeah, I was skinny alright, but my face was so pinched in and my eyes so sunk into my head I almost looked like a corpse wearing sunglasses. Little stick arms, and I STILL had a big butt, dammit! I'm sure if my folks had seen me at that time, they'd of known something was amiss, even if not what particular flavor my insanity had taken.

Just a question to think about, you don't have to tell me or anyone else your answer. Have you been evaluated for psychological or emotional issues? You sound a bit like some of the bi-polar folks I know, and if you are bi-polar or suffer from depressive illness (as opposed to just being "sad" AKA depressed--having the disease of depression or bi-polar is a cat of a completely different color) it's going to be very difficult, if not impossible, to get your life back on track without some help in the mental health department, probably involving some medication. Since you mentioned some psych meds, but sounded like you were taking them at your own directions, I was a little confused. If you haven't seen a shrink, I suggest that you do. I think your parents would be happy to help you access some help in that direction.

It was such a huge relief to me when I finally found a really great shrink at a dual diagnosis treatment program (in a mental hospital) who finally diagnosed me correctly and started me on medication that really helped. The best part was him telling me that he understood perfectly why I hadn't been able to remain clean and sober--every time I quit street drugs for longer than about a day, the hamster wheel in my brain would start running again, and I just couldn't take it. At that point I had to self-medicate. Also, though, he made me take responsibility for treating my conditions. I'd been on meds before but told myself that I was just playing with them and didn't really need them. So when I got to feeling better, or when it got really dark, I'd quit taking them. And go off the deep end again, time after time. I no longer allow anyone to shame me because I take psych medication. I don't talk about it openly at most meetings, as I go to AA and they believe, more than NA, that my illness is none of their business. As long as I am only going to one doctor to get meds and I'm doing what that doctor says to do, and taking them as prescribed, I consider myself to be keeping my disease(s) in check.

One more thing--you said you didn't think you could do this alone. Nobody can do it alone! You don't have to. You don't have to go to rehab, either, unless that's what you want to do. Lots of people get into a recovery support group like AA, NA, or one of the many secular groups like those that emphasize Cognitive Behavior Therapy. Just having people to talk to who feel and think like I did was amazing! I thought for so long that I was completely alone in the world and that nobody would even even understand me, much less accept me. Start with some honesty toward your parents, though. You sound really tore up that you haven't been, and it sounds like they love you enough that they'll just want to help you. Hope you stick around, and welcome to Bluelight!
Click to expand...
Just told my parents and it went horribly wrong. Just made everything worse. No help, just anger and judgement. Still haven't slept even after trazedone. Been basically crying staring at a fucking wall for the last 6 hours.
 
Its Sunday and your interview is tue so you have time to rest up and make it to that interview. Drink Gatorade and Whole Foods , take some vitamins your Xanax and rest . You are at a turning point you are still young ! Get well and get the job and try to do some soul searching on why you need the drugs to be happy...
 
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