TDS I need help... what should I do?

[Siccness909]

Wassup everybody my names Manuel, 19 yrs old, some of you might know me from BDD. I don't really know how to start this but basically I've been doing drugs for about 5 years and 2 years till now really heavily. Everything from Crystal Mdma Marijuana Heroin various opiates pcp lsd etc. I consider myself knowledgeable when i dose on anything cause I always research I think I'm pretty smart. I don't know like I.can't be happy without drugs? I NEED my dopamine receptors to be FLOODED (or is it serotonin lol) for me to be happy. I am depressed quite often when I'm sober and I really can't get happy no matter what I do. I mean I have a ex girlfriend I can't get over? But I don't really see her as why i do them I mean now maybe to forget the memories but I was a druggie before her so yeah. The thing is I miss her and the lifestyle of being sober? BUT sober as in when i was with her I stopped all my drug use and was sober but I was so happy with her I didn't need drugs and was so busy with her. Like I was sober but happy...I.can't do that anymore. I feel depressed on most days unless I'm high and constantly reminisce on the past. I have friends who aren't druggies, and my social life is somewhat normal. I don't have any other hobbies aside from drugs and I guess listening to music? Lol. Honestly I'm a fucking mess I spend all my money on various drugs DAILY all my $ cigs and drugs. Again it's confusing cause I love doing drugs because i love being high of course but I miss my ex so bad but I don't dwell on her with drug use because either way even if it helps forget I did drugs anyway you know? I signed up for the army 4 months ago to change my life from my past crystal addiction (my worst habit and DOC) And I leave april 15th that's what 28 days?? I've been smoking meth pretty often within these past months that I signed my contract and STILL do drugs currently and I leave for bootcamp in the fuckin ARMY in a couple weeks?! I am not prepared mentally or physically. This is my last chance to my family to prove I can do something with my life as I've burned bridges before. They don't even know I relapsed!! Id have no one if they found out but I.can't stop!! It's not am particular addiction it's just drugs. I have my favorites which is basically a whole catalog and my daily goal is to find out how to get em...simple and plain

If I was with my ex I probably wouldn't get high well I know I could. But it's not an option at this point. I mean family friends etc NOTHING makes stop except us being together..Idk what to do even if not her I am not happy while sober in general even if i got over her at some point Id still wanna get high. We broke up because she wasn't "ready" after 8months of being together but I made her the happiest girl alive as she said?As you can see it's not very easy to understand something like that..ready for what? We had sex 8383729193737 times. I didn't ask her to marry me? I DON'T KNOW

anyway I'm lost for words..should I see a psych maybe? I've been to rehab 3 times didn't help btw. It's crazy how time flys..since 10th grade I've been a druggie till now at age 19 and what do I have to show for it? A fucking HS diploma that's about it. I lost all 4 of my jobs within the span of 6 months due to crystal addiction, I sold everything I had, almost lost family, was on streets for 2months till I oded on amphetamines in the worst OD/meth psychosis state i have ever experienced in my life, THAT I EVER WITNESSED...I moved away after that to try and get clean but then I relapsed AGAIN for the 4th time..it's ridiculous and sad what I've become. Always thinking about drugs, doing them man it's fucked up.

I do realize I'm an addict but I LOVE and am proud of it? It's all a mind trip I have major problems. I have thought suicide at times but that's mainly when coming down or occasionally when I reflect on all my failures and reminisce on my ex. I'm always depressed I barely talk to anyone anymore, I have a few homies and homegirls that are close that i talk to.

To sum it up though, I have issues and I don't what point of action to take. Psych? I really don't know. Me and my ex have been broken up for a year and a half and I'm still depressed over her? It's like I've gone out with others since and slept with many etc. What do I have to do jesus christ!? Regardless I'm a druggie anyway who is depressed and is insanely obsessed with the lifestyle and usage of drugs. So yeah guys any tips? Much appreciated thanks

 

[neversickanymore]

I'm sorry that you are in such a way. You are an addict, you need to figure out how to become a clean addict. The first step is wanting to become clean.. if you don't really want to then forget it. as you already know your life won't get better, it will get much worse. The first step to getting out of any hole is to stop digging. also you will never get over someone if you are using.. the mental healing just doesn't happen. You have been to rehab a bunch of times, so start buy doing everything they said to, then use your intelligence to come up with the extras you need to make it..

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Thomas A. Edison


Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.
Thomas A. Edison


Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless.
Thomas A. Edison

Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something.
Thomas A. Edison

Try your best untill you know better.. and when you know better, try harder. something

aussie101 came across..


EDIT: being together with your X won't make you stop.. so try and drop that as an excuse to use.

 

[Ferox]

Much like we associate pleasurable feelings with drugs, we can also associate some of our best times with other people. You were sober and had control over your drug use when you were with her, which I'm sure made you feel strong. There's no reason why you can't get back to that, with or without your ex. Your best bet is to move on and let the wounds heal so that you can find a new route to sobriety.

You didn't mention once that you wanted to stop using drugs in your post (I reread twice, but couldn't find). Until you can say that to yourself, then I fear you will never be able to break that cycle. You have a lot of wounds that need to heal and you need to want them to heal in order for any good to come of this.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I hope that you can come to terms with where you want your future to lead.

 

[Derschieber]

Greetings Siccness909

That's a really interesting disclosure about yourself. Forgive my arrogance in what I write. You know what's best for you much more than me, of course.
I don't mean to suggest anything otherwise.

You remind me of a period in my life, (including lost love in the midst of addiction)...the confusion and lack of vision...you don't want to stop, but you know you ought to want to stop...I think this is how turning around always starts, and the struggle begins...getting clean. Whatever it takes...nail and tooth...it was the fight of my life, the hardest biggest most gnarly thing...I feel anything I write to you will sound like some dumb slogan...nothing you haven't heard before...and there's not all that much to say anyhow. It was fucking hard, and addiction made me pathetic & weak...within myself. No grit...no esteem, not resilience to frustration...so it's a tough task and you're ill-equipped to handle even ordinary life-shit...right?

Here are the dumb slogans...please ignore any or all as you see fit.
# You're young, really young...this is in your favour big-time...you'll recover and build an ass-kicking good life for yourself...no reason to doubt that at all.

# You're not far down the road of addiction. Tuning around isn't nearly as hopeless or long-winded as you imagine...drug abuse reduce us to emotional cripples...what seems so hard or impossible to envision is actually easy shit once you're clean.

# You're not alone. Crying out for help is legitimate and good. Needing help is part of our human condition. We all are needy. There are people who know really good how to encourage you, support you, advise you...the more the better. Cry out for help from the roof-tops...it's all good.

# It's not forever...maybe this is the biggest fattest lie we tell ourselves...when things are good, we tell ourselves "This is how it will be forever"...and when it all falls apart, we crumble into a crying heap all broken and disappointed...we do this to ourselves...we tell our selves our favourite (pathetic) lie, and we swallow it eagerly.

# It's not forever...when things are bad, we tell ourselves (compulsively) our favourite lie. We think "this is how it's going to be forever"...and like retards we believe this pathetic lie. Result? Depression etc...life looks hopeless, doom and gloom...all based on what? The same lie...our favourite lie...

# Doubt yourself, only in the right way. Life looks like shit to you. I get that. You can not see a vision of yourself in maybe 2 years that's looking really good...stop believing your visions...demand that you stop lying (to your self) about how things will be in the future. You don't know. And what you imagine is bullshit. Almost certainly where you will be at in a few years, is radically different to the doom and gloom garbage you've convinced yourself of. Don't believe any of it. It's total and utter crap !!!

# You're not alone. This is where others can and will help you. Forming a healthy and realistic vision for yourself is half the battle. The optimism that others have for you is certainly more realistic than your own bleak outlook.

I know it's just lame-ass slogans..everyone's an expert on addiction and lower-back pain it seems these days lol...fight it nail and tooth. When you're on the other side, you'll look back and you will know that the struggle was not even that hard. You are just really weak right now. In the next 20 years, life will throw shit at you, much much harder than getting out of your drug-habits...and lots of it...you will grow and grow and become a power-house of strength, compared to where you are now. You will look back and know, where you are now, you can walk through that piss-puddle with your eyes closed. FACT !!

# Most people don't understand. Us included. Addiction isn't all that complicated, but we're basically ignorant. Read books, lots of books...They all are opinionated, but it doesn't matter to agree with AA or Jesus Christ...become somewhat of an expert on main-stream thought on addiction/recovery. It's your fight, your complication. It won't even take all that long. It's not very complicated. We're just lame-ass ignorant.

#Time passes. It's the oldest trick in the book. Never give up. Fight Nail and tooth. FEEL the humiliation of your failure. CRY and plead to God on hands an knees...Cry and Plead to whoever or whatever you must. THIS is strength. This is guts. This is grit. This is growing up. Growing stronger.
You're writing out your concerns like you did here...that takes guts. You're wanting to fight. You will win this if you fight.

# Again !! Just because you can't see how full and wholesome your future is, just a little ways ahead, does not mean it's not there. You can't imagine what it's like to be a strong-willed, determined and successful man in his mid-20s...or the mind-blowing goodness of being there, free from drug-abuse, because you NEVER BEEN THERE. Does not mean it doesn't exist. It DOES exist. And you CAN and WILL have that in no time at all...if you fight nail and tooth. You'll discover quickly that it was way easier than you imagined.

# In your written description you seem to me as someone who has every reason to fight out of this crap, and someone who will do it too. I'm betting you'll kick ass and then some more...You fight you will win for sure.

Best wishes always...