Hello all. In summary, I am a heroin addict seeking advice, input, and other's experiences of what has or has not worked for them.
A little background, if it matters..
Started smoking weed at age 14. Prior to this, I was actually a member of Alateen / Al-anon.
I know you already know the predictable ending... In a matter of months I went from going to Al-anon every Monday night to smoking weed every....day.
Apart from weekend partying (drinking) and taking a hit of salvia my sophomore year, I had little to no other drug experience until age 17.
It was then, senior year, when I met the big bag H.
And that's all she wrote! It has been over two years.
My life since then has been an ongoing, never ending cycle of relapsing & getting clean. It's like a broken record.... like what they say about insanity.. doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I go through the horrifying experience called withdrawal, only to "use... just once" a few weeks later!!!! (longest stretch clean being MAYBE a month) Everyone I know personally who uses, uses heroin daily. That's that... none of them put themselves through this cycle like I do. Why do I, then, is my question??? It isn't because I want it and they don't.. I always relapse! Is it because I'm trying to feel better about myself, or subconsciously prove something to myself?? I wish I knew.
I should note that when abstinent, I attend AA/NA *but* I will smoke pot. I have a home group and a sponsor, yet I am detached. I guess there could be a few reasons for that. Generally, the difference between NA's definition of clean time and mine was never an issue. I was pretty confident in my belief, which went something like: I'm not an alcoholic nor am I addicted to anything else other than heroin.. I never had any problems until I did HEROIN. I became physically dependent on it! That is the problem!!
Wrapping it up.. HERE and NOW I have 12 days clean from the gear *but* I have been using Adderall.. for 7 out of the 12 days. It's a new-ish drug for me. It is also a game changer. I am unfortunately questioning everything I once believed about addiction, or my addiction.. All I know is that I may be on my way to another addiction if I keep this up. I know the Adderall isn't good.
Sooooo.. yeah man. My goal is to be fulfilled without drugs! Weed too? I'm not sure. I'd like to hear about people's experience with quitting drugs and only smoking weed. It's the boredom that kills me.. I need to meditate. Open up my third eye or something (I wish).. obviously I am missing out on some kind of bigger picture. I know you don't stop unless you're ready. But the paradox is, you're ready when you say you are.. right?
Tried to keep this short and sweet, hopefully it made sense and gave enough information. I am new to posting. I don't even know what my "question" is, or if I even have one specifically.... I am open to any responses. Thank you for reading this far, if you did. Much love!!
A little background, if it matters..
Started smoking weed at age 14. Prior to this, I was actually a member of Alateen / Al-anon.
I know you already know the predictable ending... In a matter of months I went from going to Al-anon every Monday night to smoking weed every....day.
Apart from weekend partying (drinking) and taking a hit of salvia my sophomore year, I had little to no other drug experience until age 17.
It was then, senior year, when I met the big bag H.
And that's all she wrote! It has been over two years.
My life since then has been an ongoing, never ending cycle of relapsing & getting clean. It's like a broken record.... like what they say about insanity.. doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I go through the horrifying experience called withdrawal, only to "use... just once" a few weeks later!!!! (longest stretch clean being MAYBE a month) Everyone I know personally who uses, uses heroin daily. That's that... none of them put themselves through this cycle like I do. Why do I, then, is my question??? It isn't because I want it and they don't.. I always relapse! Is it because I'm trying to feel better about myself, or subconsciously prove something to myself?? I wish I knew.
I should note that when abstinent, I attend AA/NA *but* I will smoke pot. I have a home group and a sponsor, yet I am detached. I guess there could be a few reasons for that. Generally, the difference between NA's definition of clean time and mine was never an issue. I was pretty confident in my belief, which went something like: I'm not an alcoholic nor am I addicted to anything else other than heroin.. I never had any problems until I did HEROIN. I became physically dependent on it! That is the problem!!
Wrapping it up.. HERE and NOW I have 12 days clean from the gear *but* I have been using Adderall.. for 7 out of the 12 days. It's a new-ish drug for me. It is also a game changer. I am unfortunately questioning everything I once believed about addiction, or my addiction.. All I know is that I may be on my way to another addiction if I keep this up. I know the Adderall isn't good.
Sooooo.. yeah man. My goal is to be fulfilled without drugs! Weed too? I'm not sure. I'd like to hear about people's experience with quitting drugs and only smoking weed. It's the boredom that kills me.. I need to meditate. Open up my third eye or something (I wish).. obviously I am missing out on some kind of bigger picture. I know you don't stop unless you're ready. But the paradox is, you're ready when you say you are.. right?
Tried to keep this short and sweet, hopefully it made sense and gave enough information. I am new to posting. I don't even know what my "question" is, or if I even have one specifically.... I am open to any responses. Thank you for reading this far, if you did. Much love!!
