TDS I need help, im scared i screwed up my brain for good this time

PurpleKush1

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Hi everybody, i really need your help here. Before i explain the issue, im gonna give you a little background information of my use of substances :

Currently im 19 years old. At 15 i started smoking weed. From 16 to first few months of 17, i had began using speed ( meth pills), usually swallowed or snorted, as well as occasionally some E. In the summer i tried LSD, mushrooms, mda and ketamine, but didn't abuse them at all. Back to the speed, The first few months it was like a few times a week then the 3 last months preceding my 17th birthday, i took that shit everyday. Starting with 2-3 a day, reaching over 10 a day the month before my b-day. Actually its more like i would eat/ snort 20 pills in 50 hours, then drink and smoke myself to sleep and then repeat the cycle. Over that period i also did coke and ketamine when i had the opportunity and began indulging more heavily in mdma. I was 190 pounds when i was 15, at that point i was 150. At my 17th birthday i combined molly and speed together , had an excellent time until things didn't work out with this girl i had an eye one, partially due to me haven't slept for days and binging on speed and molly, i had trouble talking and being coherent. I remember at the end of the third day i was feeling sucked in my computer and like being in a castle while i was on my basement, very hard to explain.

Anyways, after my birthday, being depressed and having being expelled from school, i went on a two month bender. I started with doing mdma errday for a week, and guess what it stopped working, so i binged 3-4 days at a time on coke and ice ( not pill form this time ), did pcp + mdma combo once which was horrible, smoked crack a few times, smoked weed like a fucking monkey. In the last weeks of that second month, i lost control completely. I didn't care anymore if i would die i actually wished it. Doing lines of ice and coke mixed together while drinking etc etc, I began a psychosis. I thought the police was after me, lived in the dark and crawled on all four members throughout my house, snorted coke and smoked weed under a blanket hidden behind my toilet. One night after again being awake three days, i spent 8 hours in a corner where i could see every issue in which somebody could come, Throwing knives at people i would mistake with a coat, you get the idea. On the 24 th january i was sent to a youth readaptation center. The day before i had taken E, ice, coke,alchol and went running to the park to find a place where no one could see to smoke. As i stopped running and lighted my joint, took a drag and fell on my knees, i started vomiting what later i saw to be blood and i was deaf and blind for one minute. I honestly think i came close to dieing.


After spending 2 months in a very closed and restricted center, being clean because there was no escape. I was prescribed adderall and Seroquel. From then on for almost a whole year i would smoke all day on adderrall (often skipping a day then taking a double dose and mixing it with alcohol half the time) and then smoke after poppin some seroquel to get some sleep. I used coke or speed on weekends but responsibly, as stupid as it seems. I took mdma again but just felt weird and out of place so it just completly turned me off. Alright now 18ths birthday. I had a high dose 2cb trip, which left me a little marked and turned me off street chems for a while. because of the stimulant use i had one tooth with a sever infection, gangrene under another tooth and finally a tooth with a hole so deep in it you could see the nerve. The pain i cannot endure for the life of me is tooth pain. So then began Another 2 month bender, of pain pills, mainly oxycocet, percocet, hydrocodone and cwe codeine, mixing them errtime with weed, less frequently alcohol and very rarely adderal. After that i stopped almost completely my chemical use, liming myself to weed, booze and adderall when i went to work. Now this summer i went to another country, and problems are back.

I took xanax pretty much every day, 3 times of 5 mixing it with alcohol and smoked more and more weed. In November and december 2012, i did quite alot amphet sulfate as well as a little bit of coke. Problem is i very often combine xanax and alcohol with the amphet. Anyways, now is the part i need help about. 20 january 2013, im expelled from work. I'm like fuck that and went on a very bad xanax bender. i ate 90 .5 mg xannies in 2 weeks. At the end of the 2nd week, i tried heroin for the first time (snorted, ive never ived it and smoked it once but didnt like it) while on 2mg xanax and fortunately didn't od. After that i used it pretty much everyday for like 10 days combing with weed + alcohol or weed + leftover xanax, usually very small doses. Now something very bad happened. It was a friday. i woke up snorted a few lines of dope smoked mad weed and decided to test a roll ( http://www.pillreports.com/index.ph...ercent_rating=0&pp=10&submit.x=40&submit.y=10 ). I took half of it starting falling asleep, took another half and bam here we go, i felt good, first time i rolled like that for a long time, for the comedown i had a cup of beer and a joint and passed out watching a movie. 3 days later, i woke up after a heavy day of heroin, and ate that same roll but all the roll. Then i smoked a joint nd half an hour later nothin. Im like wtf rolled a fat one, smoked it, went to my room and BAM. I started coming up very hard, and when i reached the peak of my euphoria i continued going up and up to the point i felt extremely uncomfortable. I spent the next hour sweating extremely, having hot flashes, i had trouble seeing more than a meter in front of me, i had trouble walking, I was trying to throw up, . Then for half an hour i was floored on the bathroom floor, listening to music. After that i had extreme cold waves for like 4 hours with the psychological effect mostly gone . I went to sleep like at 4 in the morning, next day woke up ate some xanax and didnt feel that bad honestly.

I had a flight 2 days after that so just before flying, smoked a fat joint and then it started, waves of panic, a horrible feeling like if im going to die. I ate another xanax and drank myself to black out on the plane, when i landed i continued drinking and went to sleep. I stayed there for a week. 50 % of the time especially the first days when i smoked weed i had flashbacks and that sinking panic feeling for like a few minutes, then it went away. And now the most bizzare part i canot explain for the life of me. Before leaving to the airport back to the country im in, I smoked a 2.5 gram joint. Alone. When i wnet back inside everything was good, until my heart started beating like crazy and i actually had to make myself throw up a feew times, i jerked off, i ate despite having vomited just to kill the high, which after 2 hours faded away. At the airport everything went smoothly. And from here, my friends, starts the real shit. In the plane that feeling of hot flash, of panick and confusion came back stronger than before, stronger than during the roll. Im a person who is very very afraid of planes, i hoped the plane would crash so i could just stop this feeling. I know most flight attendants have benzos on board for panic attacks, but they fooled with me and gave me fucking gravol (dimenhydrate), idiots. I ate half a pills had a drink and ultimately dosed off. WHen i arrived i felt pretty normal. Went back home, smoke a joint and felt good. Smoked another and felt better. Another one. And then at the 4th one, i took a few drags and immediatly to the bathroom when i began to have the worst trip of my life.


I always was able to over come bad trips, i had very good control on my self in general. But this time nothing helped, this sense of terror and feeling im dying wouldn't go away it got that bad that i went to the hospital, were the fucking idiot of a doctor prescribed me valerian pills and hydroxizyne.Even after taking the pills and going home i was crying, feeling i was just going crazy. It was this sunday. Since then until today i cannot function normally, all day i feel normal 5 minutes, then i have this waves of panic accompanied by a very strong sense of depersonalisation and derealisation I stopped all drugs inculding weed. I took 10 mg diazepam IM now and it calmed me down a bit but i still dont feel good and cant really sleep well. I took one drag of a joint today, and directly hot flashes and 2 hours in the toilet rocking back and forth crying trying to calm myself down. Of ONE FUCKING drag. I also forgot to say that since that 2.5 g joint before leaving the airport, i vomited at home, in the airport , in my home back in the country im in and i feel like my stomach is fucked up, i cant eat at all. I would like to say thank you to whoever read this post, and please my friends if you have any ideas what could i do to get myself out of it tell me . I cant live like that, i would never wish that to anybody, not even my worser enemy. Also note that in group of friends i was always the one whoe smoked the most, i used to smoke between a quarter and half oz of bud alone a day. I dont get what happened in my head. Any suggestions or responses will be very helpful.:)
 
Damn that's crazy! I think you're still salvageable, I mean that's a really long post and it's coherent. You're still young, so hopefully your brain can overcome what you've done to it. I don't know if you'll be able to quit doing obscene amounts of drugs though. If you could get some really good counseling that would be good. Sleep is also good. I don't know what else to say.
 
To me, it seems like your mind is starting to reject chemicals that you feed it.
You've done a lot of heavy drugs at such an early age.. You just can't keep abusing them forever man.
The fact that these drugs will catch up to you is seemingly inevitable..
If you don't ease up now, these problems are only going to get more complicated.
You've got a whole life ahead of you.
So pace yourself :-)
 
Hey thanks alots for the responses guys, its really appreciated. xxpurplehazexx, im definitly going to get conseling, because even i feel bad right now and the only drug i want right now is some benzos or opiates to relieve the anxiety, i now deep inside me when something out of my control and which will affect me negatively on the emotional aspect im gonna fall back into abuse again, whatever drug it is. Funny that the thing is used as medication for everything, bad trips, flu, social anxiety is now turning against me. I mean whenever i felt depressed, lonely, when i was sick, whehn i was coming down bad of speed or coke i smoked and it was always positive. I think until this week i never had a bad trip on weed. never.

To tripnotyzm, I feel the same way, i feel exactly as my mind is rejecting and the whole anxiety, crying, sweating is my bodys way to say its enough. But do you still think i could enjoy a joint here or there like before, i mean it was my favorite substance to do to this day, smoke a nice j, watch a movie then munch on some food. I would still pick up weed over everything else. I am going to ease up and change my priopirites, finish high school im 19 and i didnt even graduate. Im just wondering if one day i will be able to enjoy these things like before.

Thanks again for the replies, really, its helps talking to people who are understanding and not seeing you as a junkie drug addict blabla like the so called specialists i visit to try to get myself some help.
 
Why are you killing yourself, brother?

If you continue the way you are, you will be damn lucky to hit your 21st birthday still topside. If you continue tearing your body down the way you are, it's a matter of a very short time before your body is going to give up to the intoxicants and poison you are destroying it with. If you're lucky, you will die. If you're unlucky, you will be institutionalized for the rest of your life. I would encourage you to read your post again and again until the severity of what you're doing sinks in.

If you want to have any chance at having a happy or normal-as-can-be future, I would encourage some deep self-introspection to see if there might be a chance that part of you wants to get clean. It is your decision to continue on this path leading to death or to seek help and find a better way to living. There is a plethora of recovery and sobriety resources out there if that small part of you speaks loud enough. I don't like telling people what to do, but you should reach out, man.

You have an evident problem and if used positively, you can turn yourself around. I don't know if you can quit on your own or not, but the decision to reach out for help or not is in your hands. You control your destiny, not alcohol or drugs. Give yourself a chance, man. We all can agree this is the one life we do get.

Make a decision for yourself and hopefully make it the one that will positively affect your life.
 
Hey fifleman, thanks alot for the input. I think i will arrange a meeting every week with some kind of conseling. And you understood very well my point, my biggest fear is actually not to die but to just lose minde completly. I will be honest, at the worst moments of these waves im describing, I start to think about ways to terminate myself, i just cant live like that. I am going to get help, but i dont know to what point it will actually help me. Nobody of the specialists or psychiatrists i saw in my life could understand my issues, what causes me to have this abuse behavior, nor do i. Do you think if i somehow manage to get completly clean, there is a chance i could still enjoy recreatioannly weed for example? i dont what to go back into harder drugs, because i know what will happen. Thank you
 
Brother, you share the same fears as I.

The truth is that your fears are healthy ones. The truth is that you are playing a dangerous game that takes just one more time to have a permanent effect. Think about the weed: you enjoyed it up until your mind said, "no more. I can no longer react the way I used to." It just takes one time. I don't mean to scare you, but I am scared for you. I hope that is saying something.

What causes my issues is beyond me. I have a basic understanding of where my suffering comes from, but, the reason as to why I am an alcoholic or drug addict does not need to be answered. The absolute truth (consider truth God) is that intoxicants react with my body's composition in a manner that is mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually degrading. I don't need an explanation for it as well as a lot of other things. When I gave up looking, I freed myself from a lot of aimless searching and analyzing. The truth does not need explanations or support. It exists on its' own because that is just how it is.

After my first bad trip with weed, it was never the same for me. Believe me, I tried to get back to normal with it. I would get the feeling like I am having a heart-attack, tightness across my upper back, inability to breathe, laying on the floor hoping I could breathe better there. This happened two out of every three times I smoked. The one time that it was decent at best was not worth the absolute dread that I put my mind and body through for he other two times.

To me, weed is just as dangerous as cocaine. For me, weed makes me feel like I'm mentally losing it more than cocaine ever did. And cocaine was my friend for a lot of years. Marijuana can exacerbate (bring to light) many pre-existing mental conditions such as schizophrenia. Cocaine does as well, but my point is not to be fooled by thinking "it's only marijuana".

The truth is that my body is different from the other 6 billion of us. And you have to listen to your body, Purple. You have to draw the line, look out for your body and mind, your heart and lungs, your kidneys and liver, your eyes and throat, etc. It may sound funny, but the fact is it's a magnificent machine that runs flawlessly and only wants to preserve itself for our own enjoyment of life, as long as it can. Poisoning it is defeating a miracle.

The greatest drug is truth. Intoxicate yourself with the truth about yourself and your limitations and you will be on the path to setting yourself free.
 
i had a similair exp.i used to smoke weed and enjoyed it until one night i overdosed on acid..up 4 days trippin HARD,,, (for 5-6 yrs after that episode i had a resting heart rate of 118... but anyway a few days later i tried smoking weed and felt like i was dying. all of the symptoms you described ..even to this day 20 yrs later i still cant smoke weed without atleast 2 mg. xanax without the xanax weed sends me into severe panic, rapid pulse, feeling of losing control, death, or in the shower praying to god to please let me come down and ill never use it again, ... yeah that bad!, ,,..i swear the acid fucked me up badly my health went to hell,my youth was wasted on drs. misdiagnoses and e.r. visits, had no insurance so my credit was ruined from all of the er visits ,,i was a wreck. i now take xanax just to feel normal it is a miracle drug..i couldnt live without it....i feel for you ..while reading your post i felt like you were telling my story...give the hard drugs a rest ..take care of yourself ,hope you get it together..
 
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sounds to me like you are just experiencing xanax withdraw, depending on how you generally react to weed, it could increase anxiety and induce panic attacks or times of great anxiety like you describe. If this is what it is it should go away or lessen after a sufficient dose of a benzo. If this is what you are experiencing then you need to be careful with your benzo intake as Benzo dt can kill. hope you figure it out=D. I would lay off all drugs until you are able to piece it together.

The greatest drug is truth. Intoxicate yourself with the truth about yourself ............. and you will be on the path to setting yourself free.
very wise:|
 
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Again, thanks alot for the input guys.

@FIfleman i totally feel you on the cocaine part, its mainly the speed and combinations with mdma and coke that made me feel brain fried, but honestly i felt less retarded after a coke seession than a fat weed session. I going to get clean, i stopped everything now day 4 except cigarettes and the meds they prescribed to me. Its depacine, olanzapine and another antipsychtoic as aweell as meds for my liver which isnt in good state because of alcohol pills combos.. im going to follow your advice and stop looking for an answer to this and just ride it out, hpoing im going to get back to normal soon. Thank you for your advice!

@bennodn FUck man thsats horrible 118 bpm resting heart rate? all i can say is DAMN. But yes the syumptoms you described when you smoke are 100 % identical to what i feel. I think maybe i will give weed another chance in the future but not whitout some benzos in my system. I did lsd once, didnt have a bad trip but i dont digg hallucinogens, and i never did it again. Im stopping everything like i said, take care you too man thanks for the support :)

@neversickanymore Generally weed almost acted like benzos to me, even after smoking a half o in a few hours i didnt feel the slightest paranoia or anxiety. I dont think i developed a physical dependcy to xanax, because in the last 6 months i would like abuse them for a few weeks, than not have anymore for say a week max two and then repeat... and all the symptoms i described started after the bad e trip .... but yea im definitly laying of the drugs. Thanks for the input man!
 
:!

sorry to say purplekush, imo you are now brain dead. no hope for you or the human race

hey dickhead crawl back to your hole if you have nothin better to do than bashing people. I wrote thi sseeking help, not judgement from a fool like yourself.

To poster whose advice is quite useful, again, ca i drink on depakine and olanzapine?
 
sorry man that was a joke, it was supposed to cheer you up. Yes you can drink on depakote and olanzapine imo.

Hope that helps. And smile :D
 
Ok sorry for being rude then i didnt get the sarcasm :P so you say i can drink on those? my fear is to start tripping out again like after smoking weed. what is the worst i can expect in drinking lets say amoderat amount of beer, 2l for exxample, and taking 10 mg olanzapine?
 
I went psychotic from too many drugs, too..Can not smoke even a tiny hit of weed now or I get full-blown psychosis..even 12 years after the initial incident. I guess you can call it HPPD or whatever, but if I'm not cafeful, I get really unstable. I limit myself to suboxone (due to opiate addiction and chronic pain), a few benzos, and a little alcohol here and there and I dont get all crazy anymore. I was diagnosed as schizo-affective..but I know it was caused by too much LSD, shrooms, pot, etc..You're gonna have to be cafeful in the future..It may subside, it may not, only time will tell. My best advice it to chill on the pot, speed, hallucinogens, etc. For some reason, pot makes it a thousand times worse.
 
thanks for the advice guys, yes i think i will limit myself to opiates, benzos and alcohol for now. no more weed or stims. I wa never fan of hallucinogen s did lsd once and shrooms twcie, 2cb a few times. i prefer dissociative like ketamine
 
substance use especially bad trips can cause ptsd. it seems like when you dabbled with hallucinogens (weed is a hallucinogen) it triggers a flashback response. maybe the drugs brought out latent mental disorder? maybe try living clean for a bit my friend.
 
after reading your post again, I would stay away from all stimulants.. coke, all speed, all x.. since you are having troubles with psychoses, stimulant induced psychoses is pretty much the same thing as schizophrenia. I believe you may have have caused yourself to begin to stay in a manic state or the state caused by excess dopamine. I t is the uncomfortable state that often has paranoia and anxiety. I believe your answer will lie in stopping your self administered dopamine manipulation and finding the rite mood stabilizer.. lithium(Lithobid, Eskalith), lamotrigine (Lamictal), are the two I would explore with your physician. Again best of luck.
 
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