I need help controlling me

[Tacoma]

I don't know what to do I don't know how to control myself. Okay so here's the problem I've been doing good I stopped shooting up and it was really hard. I do miss it very much but I feel like I'm doing good for myself. Anyways I woke up today went to grab my cigs and what do I see? Some asshole laid a syringe on my pack of smokes. I'm trying so hard to not use it but I think I'm gonna break. I'm weak. The main reason I stopped is that the shooting up was taking a huge toll on my body I was getting sepsis often my heart got beyond fucked up and my veins starting collapsing my body was so infection ridden it would just randomly give out and I'd faint my body can't withstand drug withdrawal so I have severe seizures without the shit. I don't wanna get trapped into killing myself again but I don't know how I'll be able to not use the syringe

 

[Maya]

^hi tacoma, it is absolutely hard to not sink into addiction but your health is more important. This should be enough of a warning sign for you to stop. What has really helped me is that, I know that I have a family (my parents and my brother) and my bf who will get hurt and who I would hate to see suffer again because of my addiction. This is what I am holdinh onto, the will to fight. Do you have a special person who will suffer terribly due to your addiction? Just think of that person and how you want that person to see you healthy.

 

[herbavore]

Tacoma, you have to change more in your life than stopping the needle. You have to find what needs healing and seek healing for that. Sometimes the simplest thing to change is your diet. Are you still living with people that are injecting? Is there any way that you can surround yourself with people that are trying to recover--not only from drugs but from all the harmful ways that people get separated from themselves.

Once you start taking care of your body in the most basic ways--eating healthy fresh food, sleeping regularly and exercising--it gets harder to abuse it with drugs but it also gets easier to feel strong in fighting the cravings. If you stop a drug habit only to have a life that you are not happy with and a body that is still in need of healing you don't have much to go on as far as motivation.

Are you still doing drugs (which ones?) or have you stopped?

 

[Tacoma]

I do have one person who's hurt by my addiction a good friend of mine.. I don't live with anyone who's injecting I get stir crazy so I just crash at people's houses a lot. I think someone just did that too try and break me.. my medical consequences and my friend who I'm sick of hurting are what's keeping me going with clean arms. When I get really bad needle cravings I try working out, painting, writing, and last resort just gettin high or drunk. I haven't gotten off the drugs (I'm addicted to heroin) because I'm just not strong enough and last time I tried to stop I became a bad alcoholic and was very depressed. I do other drugs aside from my addiction weed,cocaine,crack,xanax, and a lot of drinking but I'm not hooked on any of those I haven't done cocaine or crack in awhile because I felt myself getting addicted

 

[Tacoma]

Im so mad at myself i lost all control and fucking used it. I don't even remember doing it at all which is strange i just know i did because i could tell it had been used and my arms all tracked out. I very faintly remember doing it but not much. That happens to me wgen i get angry i black out and dont remember what i did but this has never happened to me with using. Im the olny one out of my friends who does heroin most of them know i do it and are really against it. The olny other people i know that use opiates are unfortunately my family. My moms a oxy addict and my father always just partied with opiates so i was introduced to it very very young and pretty much grew up doing drugs. I really olny have one person i can talk to about this because hes the olny person who knows the whole story and everything and hes getting hard to talk to about it anymore because i can tell im hurting him.. Ive been thinking about moving to a place where i dont know any dealers its just hard because so much of my money goes to the drug. Right now im staying with a sober friend for a while (probably until the boot me out) because i don't trust myself being alone..i hope i can gain control over myself ounce again and do the right thing and get myself not olny off the needle but off heroin completely

 

[herbavore]

Aww, Tacoma, don't be too hard on yourself. Change happens slowly sometimes but it does still happen. Just right yourself and get back on the path. What kind of stuff do you paint when you paint?

 

[Tacoma]

I paint a lot of different things but mostly portraits and different abstract things. Ive also been trying to do sone writing and focus on my music. Trying not to beat myself up too much but its really hard because i haven't told anyone that i did that again yet and it feels like a heavy weight. Lately everyone has been kinda treating me like shit. And the other day my best friend referred to me as a junkie i know he didn't mean it like that but it still hurts i just have to try and move on from this fuck up