I need advice..

[Lustmord]

Hey all. I don't know exactly where to post this, but I have a lot of things on my mind and I just need to hear what other people think so I know that I'm not going crazy.

I have been depressed for as long as I can remember (I take an SSRI for it, Celexa), my childhood was not so great. I have never seen a counselor for this even though I should, and I have tried to recently.. I just had an anxiety attack when it came to confronting my problems and I no-showed the appointment. I have had many different addictions in the past, but currently I only smoke pot and drink occasionally. I am going to school, and I managed to finally pull myself together to earn a 4.0 GPA last semester because I really cut everything down to weekends or after school. This semester seems to be starting off awkwardly because my depression is in full force right now, and it wasn't last semester. I am trying my best to keep things under wraps.. but I have had instances of messing around with an unloaded gun and feigning suicide.. I am not really feeling suicidal but that just seemed weird that I would do that.

I have been dating my girlfriend and living with her for almost 2 years now, we are in love but things get really difficult sometimes. We are trying really hard for the New Year, but we have our spats every once in a while. She is a model and I can get incredibly jealous some times. She doesn't do nudes or anything because she knows it would really upset me, and I feel like I am holding her back because she has stated before that she would if she could. I know she would do classy stuff, but that is just something that I can't get over. Having been together for so long we share the same pool of friends, but they are more her friends than mine because I moved into her area, not vice versa. Sometimes I get upset and jealous when she doesn't invite me along with her to hang out, and I realize that sounds incredibly childish. I can get incredibly clingy and I realize that this is a turnoff, so I try my hardest to keep quiet. But I still have the feelings, even if I don't say anything (which I'm pretty good about until I go off like a time bomb..)

So if anyone has any tips or advice with any of my listed problems, please just tell me what I should do. My life seems to be in utter chaos right now, and I just need some reassurance and help.

 

[alasdairm]

homeless -> tds

alasdair

 

[T. Calderone]

Maybe you should see the counselor and follow through this time. I'm not sure what is the dynamic between you and your girlfriend. I realise you disapprove of her doing nudes. Is this causing problems because she stated she "would if she could?" Do you feel that you're holding her back somehow and she is resenting you for this reason?

 

[blueheaven]

My two cents for what it's worth. Due to some bad experiences in the 80s, I have a real problem with psychiatrists/counselors (esp. psychiatrists). I had some bad ones and this was back when they would put a person in residential treatment and leave them there as long as the insurance would pay. And I had some bad experiences with meds and then docs not listening when I said the meds were making me worse. So I have major issues every time there's a new pdoc or tdoc in my life, and for at least a day before an appointment I am in bad shape and have to double up on my benzos. I mean, I have nightmares about that hospital, so I def. get pulling a no-show.

But I would also like to encourage you to try again, and to be honest with your counselor that the visit itself is causing you anxiety. They will have seen this before, and you aren't going to tell them anything they haven't heard before. A good counselor will not judge you (if they do, fire them and get a new one - I wish somebody had given me that advice a long time ago, could have saved me a lot of trouble that later docs had to try to undo).

But there are good ones, and good ones can help you, even though it can take a lot of time, be slow-going work. If you feel like jealousy and insecurity are getting in your way, you can work on that and get at what's underneath it that causes it. Because you're right that it won't just go away because you keep it under wraps. It will explode like you say. And that is the cause of many relationships going down the tubes. Just be gentle with yourself when you're new to your counselor - this stuff takes time and it isn't easy, and depression warps your outlook too and makes the work even harder. At least in my experience.

So I think you're doing the right thing to talk to somebody. If you love your girl, you don't want to blow it up from bottled-up feelings, and if you are suffering from depression to the extent that you're having suicidal ideation (even in sort of half-play or not-entirely-serious) you don't want to blow yourself up. It sounds like even though things aren't perfect, you have a lot to live for, and you are really capable and have some good self-insight. All that can help you out in therapy and in life. So for what it's worth, my advice is to try again with the appointment, and to let the counselor know that the no-show is actually a symptom of your anxiety and not just you forgetting or sleeping through it. A good counselor will understand and will have seen it before (they may still make it clear that no-shows are problematic and let you know that no-shows may have consequences, but they *will* understand where you're coming from and them laying down guidelines does not necessarily mean they're judging you - just in case you're extra sensitive to anything like that coming from a shrink, 'cause God knows I am).

Give it another shot. Good luck.

 

[Lustmord]

Maybe you should see the counselor and follow through this time. I'm not sure what is the dynamic between you and your girlfriend. I realise you disapprove of her doing nudes. Is this causing problems because she stated she "would if she could?" Do you feel that you're holding her back somehow and she is resenting you for this reason?

My counseling appointment is for 3 tomorrow, I will see how it goes!

As for the modeling, yes she has stated if something came along that seemed worth doing that she would do it, but she is not seeking out doing it. She is aware that I would be upset. Now, I have told her that she can do anything she wants, but that I can't control my feelings and yeah that I might be hurt if she were to do nudes (I said might, but she and I both know that I would be.) And that is in all honesty, I want her to do whatever it is that she wants to do because I do love her. But what can I do?

My social life has kinda gone downhill since I moved here. I haven't wanted to give up my old friends despite them living so far away, but that means I can only go visit them once a month or so. I have started the beginnings of a couple new friendships here, and she is encouraging me to try to make friends here. I do get really lonely, which probably explains why I can get so clingy at times. It is just really hard to try sometimes when you are feeling so depressed and trying to deal with yourself.

 

[argonaut720]

I can't comment on the depression, et al., but I can offer some insights on the jealousy/nude modeling.

I have been the jealous type most all of my life and have always somehow been attracted to girls with low self-esteem issues who tend to seek out attention/affection rather aggressively, any way they can get it. Not a good combination. A couple girls I've dated in the past have been models and it drove me nuts. Then I got older and the jealousy began to decrease a bit as I matured. And I developed an interest in photography. And started shooting models. And shooting nudes... And I found myself on the other side of lens thinking to myself how drool the situation was. Here I was, this guy who would go crazy when his girlfriend would flirt ever-so-innocently with someone else, taking nude pictures of other girls who had boyfriends.

But something I realized doing these shoots was - it's nowhere near what you'd imagine, if you'd never been a part of one. They're a lot of work and can be quite awkward. And as the photographer, you see a 'subject', not a nude girl. You're more interested in the composition of the shot, the focus of the shot, the lighting for the shot, the exposure of the shot, etc. It's actually quite sterile and not at all intimate.

If your girlfriend is interested in doing a nude shoot, just make sure the photographer is at least a semi-pro with some other shots in his portfolio and ask her/the photographer if you can come along (some photographers hate it, but not for the reasons you'd imagine - it usually just adds to the awkwardness; others are perfectly fine with it). If you do, bring a book and be prepared to sit in the corner for a while.

I think the biggest thing that changed my attitude on jealousy was maturing, but being part of a nude shoot certainly eased my mind on that particular scenario being a panic trigger for me in the future. I hope that helps!

 

[argonaut720]

Actually, one thing on the depression - find some new friends in your area. Get some interests that are YOURS and find people within that community of interest. I promise you that this will help HEAPS and TONS with the jealousy/depression. Whatever it is - book club, joining a rock-climbing gym, joining a 'Learn-To-Juggle' on meetup or whatever. Doing this kind of stuff will get your mind off of your girlfriend and all of the hypotheticals you tell yourself when she is doing her own thing (thus easing the panic/jealousy) and by being active it'll help with the depression.

 

[Pagey]

Hey OP, did you end up going to your counselling appointment today? How did it go?
Before reading that I was going to say that although for some people it can be very daunting to open up to a complete stranger at first, counselling can also be incredibly beneficial. Maybe not for everyone, but I know that I'd be in much more shit right now if I hadn't been seeing psychologists/psychiatrists for years. I've got to admit my counselling appointment is sometimes the only thing I've got to look forward to all week - but I do look forward to it!
Dealing with your depression will most likely help you when it comes to your problems with your girlfriend. Also, I'm guessing a lot of the jealousy stems from a lack of self-confidence, or not loving yourself as much as you should/deserve? If that's the case, maybe it would help you to work on yourself for a bit? Do some fulfilling stuff - if you've always dreamed of joining a football team or whatever, now's the time. Or if you've wanted to start writing a novel in your spare time, I dunno. Fulfilling your individual potential will help you grow as an individul and will help you detach yourself from her.
It's also worth noting that SSRIs have been known to exacerbate depression extremely often. Have you noticed if it's gotten worse since you were put on them?

 

[argonaut720]

Any word on how it all went, OP?