I Need a Little Help

[Nom de Plume]

I haven't posted on this forum/website in over 2 years. The reasons why are complicated. But I have had a few experiences that have utterly and fundamentally changed me as an individual. I'm not sure if I'm still (as) hated on this forum/website. But some very dark things have happened since my absence. I believe that the majority of them have occurred because of my arrant barbiturate and alcohol abuse. I'm not sure what else to say. I'm going through a lot. I've been kidnapped. Robbed at gun point. My mom has bpd. I've been homeless for a bit. I just...dunno. I'm very unsure of what to...say.

It's very difficult to talk about these things. I've tried psychedelics several times in the past month; they've made things worse. Worse in the since that I now obsess over this idea that the reason I feel so bad is because my old self is now outdated (because it proved insufficient at dealing with the issues I faced) and that I now have to replace it with another, newer, "me". But the distress sets in when trying to create and erect that new me.

I'm not sure. I feel like all the coping mechanisms I've had have only worked until recently and I'm starting to feel mentally depleted. It's difficult to explain. But maybe someone can commiserate.

 

[Xorkoth]

Hey man, I remember you, if you were "hated" at any time, that's in the past. And anyway, in TDS we don't hate or judge.

Have you done any therapy? It sounds like you could really use some. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has helped a lot of people I know. Even regular talk therapy could help. Sounds like you're going through some troubles and some changes and could use some guidance. I'll write more later when I'm not so busy at work.

 

[Mafioso]

I'm sorry to hear about the stuff you have been going through. Doesn't sound easy or fun. IME, drugs don't really help you cope with traumatic events except for in the moment, while you are high. Once the drugs wear off, confusion sets back in with a vengeance. Usually there is a bigger mess to clean up as well...

We all have our limitations of what we can deal with. It's smart to set healthy boundaries for yourself so you don't wear yourself out.

Maybe you can help us understand your situation a little more by elaborating on whats going on? Are you living with your mom? Are you old enough to move out or get a job and start saving? How long were you using drugs, and are you still using?

 

[Nom de Plume]

I'm sorry to hear about the stuff you have been going through. Doesn't sound easy or fun. IME, drugs don't really help you cope with traumatic events except for in the moment, while you are high. Once the drugs wear off, confusion sets back in with a vengeance. Usually there is a bigger mess to clean up as well...

We all have our limitations of what we can deal with. It's smart to set healthy boundaries for yourself so you don't wear yourself out.

Maybe you can help us understand your situation a little more by elaborating on whats going on? Are you living with your mom? Are you old enough to move out or get a job and start saving? How long were you using drugs, and are you still using?

Firstly, thank you for responding. To answer your questions: I'm not living with my mother. I live alone, but I'm very concerned for her wellbeing. She's homeless atm. But I simply do not have a place for her to stay. The place I live is utter shit. She hates me anyway and probably doesn't want to live with me.

I have a job, atm. I'm 24 years old now. I've been saving money but, as you may imagine, I'm having difficulty with that.

Am I currently using? Yes. Heavily. Mostly alcohol. It is very difficult to stop, I find. Tbh, I'm drinking now. I'm not quite sure what I want from life. I have an education. I'm not hopeless, I guess. I've tried everything I can to get out of the funk I currently find myself thoroughly mired in.

 

[Nom de Plume]

Hey man, I remember you, if you were "hated" at any time, that's in the past. And anyway, in TDS we don't hate or judge.

Have you done any therapy? It sounds like you could really use some. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has helped a lot of people I know. Even regular talk therapy could help. Sounds like you're going through some troubles and some changes and could use some guidance. I'll write more later when I'm not so busy at work.

I have tried therapy. I still feel incredibly hopeless in my life. It seems the only thing that helps is a drug. I feel ashamed and embarrassed about everything I do in life now. I don't know how these feelings started. I don't know if it's depression or what. I hate calling people, seeing friends and everything now. I regret everything I do now. The only thing that seems to assuage that feeling is a drug or a drink.

 

[EPL1]

Hello Plume,

I am sorry you are feeling so down but honestly you sound like an EXTREMELY intelligent guy, you are still so young and you have your whole life ahead of you.

You can do ANYTHING you want, if that's stopping drinking and drugs, you can do that, and I will be here to support you. You have a friend in me, someone who really wants the best for you. You can do this Plume.

Big hugs,
here for you anytime,
your friend,
Ashley.

I have tried therapy. I still feel incredibly hopeless in my life. It seems the only thing that helps is a drug. I feel ashamed and embarrassed about everything I do in life now. I don't know how these feelings started. I don't know if it's depression or what. I hate calling people, seeing friends and everything now. I regret everything I do now. The only thing that seems to assuage that feeling is a drug or a drink.

 

[Mafioso]

Firstly, thank you for responding. To answer your questions: I'm not living with my mother. I live alone, but I'm very concerned for her wellbeing. She's homeless atm. But I simply do not have a place for her to stay. The place I live is utter shit. She hates me anyway and probably doesn't want to live with me.

I have a job, atm. I'm 24 years old now. I've been saving money but, as you may imagine, I'm having difficulty with that.

Am I currently using? Yes. Heavily. Mostly alcohol. It is very difficult to stop, I find. Tbh, I'm drinking now. I'm not quite sure what I want from life. I have an education. I'm not hopeless, I guess. I've tried everything I can to get out of the funk I currently find myself thoroughly mired in.

Ok, well given what you just said here... it kind of makes sense why you wouldn't feel very good or happy. That's a pretty normal response to bad life situations. I couldn't imagine living with the thought of my mother being homeless... that alone would be a lot to deal with. Then throw in on top of it your own struggle and, yeah, suddenly using drugs can seem like a logical idea to dealing with these life problems. But the hardest thing for me to accept is that drugs aren't going to help the bigger situation. I think I had that realization years ago, but accepting it is still a struggle.

It's a bit of the same sort of realization I've had with abusive or toxic relationships. As much as I wish I had a relationship with my dad, I've been trying to accept the fact that it will likely never be, and that is not because of any shortage of effort on my part.

As far as finding help for your mom- have you spoken to any local social workers? Most all social workers have a similar open-door policy, where even if that facility can't help you they should at least be able to point you in a direction of someone who can. There are resources for people who struggle with mental illnesses and homeless. It's likely going to take a lot of effort on your part, and it may or may not lead to anything... just something you should consider in your current state.

Are you happy at your job? If you have an education, maybe you could use that to leverage a higher paying job and get yourself into a better living situation. Is there anything you can do to improve your current life situation?

Life is a struggle, and it's no fun when it seems like you have no hopes of winning but in many ways the struggle is what makes life beautiful.

 

[EPL1]

Hello my friend Nom,

Thinking of you and wondering how you're doing?

Feel free to pm me if you ever need to, I am here for you anytime,

your friend,
Ashley.