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I moved to Israel to get clean.

P

PhrostByte

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 4, 2007
Messages
240
8 months ago... tried to get off dope. Well... it didn't work. I might not do dope anymore but I still do drugs.. I haven't gone a day without smoking hash in like two months. Also, codeine is OTC here which is a curse for me.. so easy to get.

Today I was one of only two waiters that could sell drinks in our place. I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off... no one was helping me. I kept getting yelled at by random people for taking too long and only got one tip. Then, when I needed administrative help later no one wanted to help me either. The girl I hooked up with last night (and assumed that we had a perfect night) didn't want to see me tonight. She says she's sleeping.. I believe her though cuz she was up all night. Maybe tomorrow will be different. I'm out of hash maybe I should try the whole drug free thing. I stopped smoking cigarettes which is good I guess. I know this all sounds like a pointless rant.. it is. The only thing I really wanted to say is this: a geographical cure might get you off dope.. but it won't help you be more content in general. My life here is really hard and it really depresses me sometimes. Although I've learned to be more comfortable.. I've been with a lot of different girls here and that sometimes makes me feel more confident... the bottom line is that you can run away from your problems but you can't run away from yourself... Wherever you go, there you are.

I guess I just needed to vent a little.
 
It's very true. Sometimes a change in location can be good - it can feel like a fresh start and be an excellent time to quit a substance, or it can remove you from temptation - but temptation often follows you, and it doesn't change the funamental reasons for why you used the substance.

"Wherevere you go, there you are" is an excellent thing to remember. Concentrate on being happy and comfortable being you, and you can be happy anywhere. Easier said than done, of course...

Sorry you're having such a hard time, Phrostbyte. What do you think you can do about it?
 
Hey man, congrats on getting of dope. Not an easy thing to do. You recognized that you had a problem and took the necessary steps to solve it, so be proud of that for sure! I totally agree with what you're saying about moving being able to help you get clean, but somehow, sometime you have to face your problems and confront what made you start using in the first place. I did the same thing. Moved away to the middle of nowhere about 2 weeks ago to get off Poppy-Seed Tea. It has definitely helped in that 95% of the time I'm unable to get anything but it doesn't mean I don't want it all the fucking time.

Sounds like you've got a new routine going there though which will help you in the long run. It's going to take some time before you can "settle in" to your new life but distraction is the key. Even if your job is hectic as fuck and maybe sucks, it's going to keep your mind occupied. Best of luck, man!
 
I don't really know what to do about it.. I try getting girls and I can.. I try making new friends and I can.. I try being sober and I can. I can exercise.. I can eat right.. I can quit smoking. I can be intelligent, charming, and witty.. I can even learn some Hebrew. I'm doing all the things that I always thought normal people did. I'm living the life my parents wanted me to live.. I'm not living like a junkie anymore, but I'm still unhappy. I still move from place to place.. building to building.. street to street, without passion.

I just work all day long and the only things I look forward to are smoking hash, eating a good meal, or hoping that girl X or girl Y calls me... maybe that's all life really is though.. maybe I want too much.
 
I moved 8 months ago.. I've tried to the dope in Tel Aviv a couple times but it sucked so I haven't bothered in a long time.
 
PhrostByte said:
I don't really know what to do about it.. I try getting girls and I can.. I try making new friends and I can.. I try being sober and I can. I can exercise.. I can eat right.. I can quit smoking. I can be intelligent, charming, and witty.. I can even learn some Hebrew. I'm doing all the things that I always thought normal people did. I'm living the life my parents wanted me to live.. I'm not living like a junkie anymore, but I'm still unhappy. I still move from place to place.. building to building.. street to street, without passion.

I just work all day long and the only things I look forward to are smoking hash, eating a good meal, or hoping that girl X or girl Y calls me... maybe that's all life really is though.. maybe I want too much.
Click to expand...

I think that is all life is, for a lot of people.. if you want more, you have to work out first what it is you want, then how to get it.

Taking dope skews your reward system - it takes a long time for things that used to satisfy you to make you happy again. It sounds like you are doing all the right things - keep going, is all I can say, really.. talk it through with friends if you can, try to figure out if you want more than life than this, and if not - trust that in time you will start to enjoy things again <3
 
You gotta find a reason to live man.. A passion for life.. Most people are on eat breathe shit level of existence. ..


All those things you do are normal but those things won't bring lasting happiness satisfaction in life..


Find something I live for and go after it
 
The things that jumped out at me are:

"... living the life my parents wanted me to live..."

and

"... I'm still unhappy..."

There might be a causal link in there somewhere. Correlational, at least. What do you want out of life? What do you want to do while you're here? Assuming that your parents had no say or influence whatsoever, where would you be, and what would you be doing?
 
Sounds like you are in a good place really; it may not feel good but there has already been a revelation (doing what my parents want and what I thought I might want is not enough for me.) So you are in a prime position to figure out what does have meaning for you.Give yourself a huge amount of credit for taking the steps to get away from dope and then apply those same kind of steps to finding a life path that means something to you. There is absolutely no script for this other than the one you write as you go.
 
Dave said:
The things that jumped out at me are:

"... living the life my parents wanted me to live..."

and

"... I'm still unhappy..."

There might be a causal link in there somewhere. Correlational, at least. What do you want out of life? What do you want to do while you're here? Assuming that your parents had no say or influence whatsoever, where would you be, and what would you be doing?
Click to expand...

i don't know what i want. maybe an endless supply of heroin. there's a girl i like a lot right now.. i want her but i know having her won't make me happy either. maybe i just need to give my brain time to heal. i need to stay away from caffeine nicotine thc and codeine too :-\
 
1st of all id like to say i feel your pain, recovery is so hard because as effie said your peasure-reward system is SO screwed that you just basically feel miserable, but it does get better slowly until probably after a year or two, id hope, our brains can squirt that wonderful dopamine all over itself naturally again and u can feel 100 %. for me after 3 months it feels like im only at 20-50% or so. better than -1000% :D

you can't really depend on pleasure to get you through life,in a way. it's like, as humans we have to overcome our own nature and the cycle of desire-anticipation-fulfilment-emptiness---desire. It's not a bad cycle, i mean everyone needs to eat and sleep and most people want to fuck and have a time, but it's an endless circe and as a former heroin addict you know that craving-satisfaction cycles are just not the way to feel at ease in this world. i suggest looking into spirituality or art which you will find no shortage of in Tel Aviv. go back to your Jewish roots or something. also most people, who havent touched drugs, also do not feel truly happy until they have good careers and families and soul mates.

im the opposite of you. well its only been 3 months off dope but its like, i am very very very bad at all these normal things you mentioned, especially girls haha [although it seems lack of sex might not be the only cause of my misery when I look at people like you], but i am always on top of the game in my passion for music and art and spirituality. maybe we should combine personalities :)

good luck my fellow junky jew and all the best. i can go to israel for free well i only have a year left for that, but it doesnt feel like a solution. there's drugs over there - and pot and hash are really bad addictions, i agree with you there - and like what effie said, you can only become comfortable in yourself to be happy. its like buddhist type stuff really. i heard girls in israel are really loose though ;) but that also might mean it doesnt feel as special to you. i dunno. im just kidding about that part really...

why would you want a lifetime supply of heroin after all you've been through and 8 months clean?? that sounds fucked man especially because you're getting most of your other needs met. i turned down free dope yesterday myself. im so sick of being a loner loser druggy i cant even bear the idea of relapse. but the idea of a lifetime supply is different i guess since then you wouldn't experience that nightmarish in between part. but its just scientifically impossible so forget that dream.

your brain will take another year or so to heal completely from dope abuse, and you also need a real source of passion - a connection to something deeper than just regular human routines. that's part of what a dope addict tries to attain thru heroin etc. -- not just filling the void of a normal life, but the spiritual void that we all have. you need both. its funny that you have the normal things without passion; i have passion but not the normal life/mind/brain. what a funny world this is.
 
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^What a great post!^

Congratulations to you for what you have changed as well as your outlook. Funny world, indeed, and beautiful, too.:)
 
herbavore said:
There is absolutely no script for this other than the one you write as you go.
Click to expand...

thank you, and that's a beautiful thing to say. about life in general. you know in your heart what you need to do stay off hard drugs and become who you want to be, to reach the lifestyle and the level of existence you desire. you have to clear away more demons as you go to realise what this inner goal is of course. enjoy the moment always. peace & love
 
i feel good today. i went to rehab twice but never understood the whole spirituality thing. i still don't. i have plans with that girl tonight so im looking forward to that. im on the bus going to my horrible job where i might have to be on my feet for thirteen hours but that's alright. also i live pretty far from tel aviv. kind of in a remote part of the country
 
^ that's really great to hear :) it honestly sounds like you are doing the right things - keep going, and if you're ultimately not happy, change things. You've already shown you are more than capable of that :) Good luck with the girl! <3
 
Hook ups

5 years ago I moved to Connecticut for rehab from the midwest, and had a similar experience.

Quit some drugs, started others.
After about 8 or 12 months I started with the "hook ups". I have recently discovered (way too late) that this is a super unsatisfying way to be. I mean, why not try dating? It's something to think about IMO because it sounds like you already seem to have a way with women. Hopefully in a less-than-precarious condition as well.

Unfortunately I never learned how to date or get to know someone in an intellectual or friends-first manner. If I had I'd have less STI's (truth). Which is my biggest regret. Even with the use of condoms stuff gets around it. Ugh.

I recently met and am kindof infatuated with this guy here in the states that speaks Hebrew. We met under "business" conditions where we have to be formal for the next 8 weeks. After that I hope something comes of it. Alas we meet 2x a week and although it has a function, I totally feel like I'm dating him. It's so rewarding because the rush of deciphering body language, eye language, language choice... this gives me small but frequent rushes of dopamine. It is so fun.

It's sad that my generation generally has lost the idea of dating, and a little frightening IMO.

What do you like about hookups? Do you think what I am saying might have any value/applicability for you?
 
i wish i could find a nice girl to date here. the girl i might see tonight is leaving back home in like a week. people just come and go through this small city. I've lost a lot of friends that way. guess it was just never meant to be. im getting older too. im 25 already
 
^ 25 is not old! I'm 27 and I certainly don't feel like I'm getting past it, hehe..

Overall, are you happy living where you are? Or - more accurately - can you see yourself being happy, as you start to recover your reward-systems and enjoy life again?
 
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