I miss my friends, and I'm all alone, but I'm off the street

First off I wanted to thank Herbavore and Mel for their kind comments on my last blog entry.

So a few weeks back I found out my father has stage four lung cancer. I found this out while charging my phone in a parking lot in order to score some more smack. My now (ex) girlfriend saw the text and told me to call my mom. I told her we (my ex and I) would leave Oakland to come and help out with my dad if we got on subs or methadone and stayed clean. My mom said yes.

Then I went to the hospital a few days later after going septic, stayed for two days and left.

Then I bought 15x2mg clonazepam which I consumed over the course of 2 days (as did my ex) and shot a bunch more smack and meth. Being an idiot I had not picked up my inhalers so I once again got asthma and was pretty much stuck in my tent for three days while my ex hustled up money to get us well. What I didn't know was that she was also cheating on me.

On the third day I left the tent after some security gaurd ran into our camp waving a gun at people accusing us junkies of steeling his car hubs (no one had), I could barely walk but my tent was trashed with so much paraphenelia that I was afraid the dude might call the cops and I'd be arrested even though in Oakland its basically legal to shoot dope in public (I've had a highway patrol officer give me back a dime of meth and a point of junk before, no joke). I walked down 6 blocks to where my ex was spanging which took me about 1 hour due to my failing lungs. She had just made enough to cop and told me to wait at the starbucks where it was warm and shed bring me the shot. I waited 30 mins and there was no sign of her, another hour went by and by this point I was in a rage. I ran into my friend who told me my girl had given him this syringe filled with dope to bring to me, which was odd and made me suspicious, but I went into a bathroom and shot it up into my groin and then began the laborous journey to the tent where my friend and our drug dealer were staying, where my supposed girlfriend was supposed to be.

When I got there the dope dealer (a fucking shit dealer BTW-I hope you fucking die mother fucker and if I see you...well I just hope you go to fucking Santa Rita for a long god damn time) and my girlfriend were all cozying up together and shooting speed balls. I had had suspicions and we'd been fighting over these suspicions for a long time, but the sight along with my weak enflamed lungs took all the fight out of me and I just stared at them. In fact I ended up having to sleep in the same tent as them because I didn't have the strength to make it back to my tent. I'd wake up to see this dude fucking pawing at my gf, but being a weak bitch I just watched, well actually I litterally puked. Then in the morning I called myself an ambulance because my wheezing was so bad. After that I never saw my girlfriend again.

I called up my mom and told her I'd be coming alone. I was supposed to leave in four days but due to some issues with my ID, it ended up that my mom would come and get me 1 1/2 weeks later. So I just shot more and more dope. Every day I swear to god I was blessed though, as an unnatractive Junkied out dude I really don't make much money spanging myself, back when my girlfriend and I were together whatever I made was just a fraction of what she would. But during those 9 or 10 days I got two $90 kick downs, and in addition at least 1 $20 kick down each day, and was able to use more dope than I did when my ex and I were pooling our money together.

My friends were really there for me. I didn't even say good bye to any of them which I'm ashamed of. I'm also extremely depressed that my ex wouldn't even come to talk to me in person about why she did what she did, she just texted me ocasionally and accused me of having a 'sick hangup over what others think of me'-this was based on the fact that I had gotten angry at her the last time she cheated on me because it was during a time when one of my oldest friends came out to California to try and help me and I felt humiliated that he had to see my girlfriend obviously screwing around with another dude.

I really don't want to go into it anymore-in case she reads this. And if she does, I want to say that I'm sorry for whatever it was I didn't bring to the table. I really am. And I'm such a lame that I still want to be with you and I feel so fucked up that I got replaced by some fucking retard who's even uglier and dumber than I am. I mean, four plus years together...You'd think that would mean something.

And I miss my friends, CHuck, Lil' Joe, Lil Chris, Shay, Kiro, John John, Nick the rinse prince, Terry, Ash I really really love you all, and now that I'm in a home I feel guilty and I feel fucking scared because I don't want any of you to fucking die. We all got into it at points because were all corrupt dope fiends regardless of how noble we claim to be but from the bottom of my heart I love you all so goddamned much because you all understood me and I understood you and we were all so hated by everyone. I'm so fucking scared someones going to die. I'm scared because my dad is going to die.

I'm scared because I gotta be clean to a degree when all I want to due is see that red flag.

Hopefully I'll have some artwork to post up here soon, drawing is the only thing that gives me hope. I want to be a tattoo artist because it's the only way I can imagine having sex with hot girls again.

I love you all,
Znegative
from hell,
COlumbus, Ohio

PS.always kick down the homeless cash.

 

I'm sorry about your father. I'm sorry about your girlfriend, and I'm sorry about your friends. I can feel the pain in your writing.

While I was reading this, I started to feel very hopeful for you. This could be your turning point and the path to wellness. I hope maintenance therapy works for you, and that your drawing brings you something to help you keep going. I hope you become a tattoo artist, and I hope you post up your art. I hope connecting with your family guides you towards happiness. I hope the time you have with your father is special, and I hope things with his illness go as well as they possibly can under the circumstances. I hope that your mother is doing okay, and I hope that you can be there for each other.

I hope the pain eases and that you can look back at this as a dark period in your life and a closed chapter. I hope this is the start of something good for you, and I hope you come out the other side

 

Thanks for sharing, I can imagine the kind of horrible mindset you must be enduring right now. I am really sorry about everything you have lost, and I really hope you don't let your ex screw with your head so that your future is in jeopardy. I guess I am not sure if you plan on trying to get clean and plan on building a life again, but if you do want to have a life you will have to realize that girl probably did you a huge favor. Having a significant other that is a severe addict is usually a huge problem in recovery, think of this as your clean break into a new life.

When I had to go to a homeless shelter for a week just under a year after I left a PhD program at a private university, I was so depressed I attempted suicide. I barely survived, and yet I still had to struggle with severe depression and addiction for the last three years. I am now on suboxone and in an extremely supportive environment with an extremely supportive and drug naive girlfriend. I am so incredibly thankful that I was lucky enough to have met this girl, as she not only called an ambulance to save me from an intentional overdose that would have allowed for me to successfully commit suicide, she then provided me with a place to stay afterwards and also gave me an endless amount of emotional and psychological comfort.

What I am trying to illustrate is that I truly did not think that I could be this happy again, especially while sober. I literally thought it was impossible to ever come back to even a normal level of emotional stability that most people enjoy, and yet I am sitting here actually looking forward to my weekend and my upcoming week. This is after months and months of barely being able to think of anything else but suicide and the best way to end my life and hurt as few people as possible during the process.

I know a lot of people won't have my luck and have to use state run facilities or charity organizations to get on their feet. I have experience with those too, and while they definitely are not a walk in the park, they will provide you with a path back to happiness, even if it ends up being a difficult and long road. It got so bad for me that if I even thought I might be homeless for a few days because of something like a lease expiring or moving from a 3/4 house, I would immediately start planning my suicide to just get it over with before that happened, and after four years of constant cycling between sobriety, addiction, and severe depression I had many instances of being unsure where I was going to go or how I was going to get the money to go there. Basically it was a living hell, with my seven day experience of homelessness being the only thing driving me to try at all just so I would never have to be homeless again. Suicide seemed inevitable, but it was imminent if I thought I would have to repeat those seven days.

It sounds like you have had to deal with a hellish reality worse than mine, which is distressingly hard to comprehend, so I wish nothing but the best for you. You need to do NOTHING but focus on staying in a stable, supportive, and positive environment that will help you achieve and maintain sobriety. I hope you find that, and I hope one day this will all be a memory drastically different than your new happy an fulfilled life. In fact, I hope you won't even be able to remember exactly how it occurred and felt because it is so different. I wish I could be there to help out, but there are good people everywhere, don't give up man. Good luck, you have great talent artistically and you have proven you are tough and can handle some harsh blows in life, now it is time to just stop the fight.

 

ZACH IM HERE THE GF IS HERE I WANT YOU TOO I WAITED AND WAITED FOR YOU WE WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET. PLEASE CONTACT ME. SIDE NOTE LANCE IS REAPPEARED. I JUST FREAKED OUT I WANTED YOU HOME W YOUR DAD BUT I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO DEAL AS USUAL... SO WENT STUPID SLUT MODE W RETARD. ZACH YOU HAVE TO CALL ME YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT RLY HAPPENED ATLEAST MSG ME. 510 631 3305. ITS YOU AND ME FOREVER. I LOVE YOU. YOUR NOT X GF LUCIA. AKA LUCIFER. BUT I LOVE YOU. NO ONE HATEA ME MORE THAN ME.

 

Hates****HATES***emphasis on hating myself

 

dont hate yourself-never hate yourself