One of the most important things to me in my own happiness is in having good, loving relationships with those who are in my life. Fiends, family, those who are around me in my communities either online or off. Work even. It's really important to me to develop good relationships with the people in my life. I try to do what I can to let people know that I do see them. I do hear them. They are valued and appreciated. I do love them.
I don't always make the mark. No one does all the time. But for me I'm feeling like I've really got a lot of the most important people in my life put out, or that I've been put out through one process or another. I've lost so many this past year. A lot of this is my own fault, and some I know isn't but I'm not going to argue what it and what isn't or what events in my life went which way. That isn't the point to how I'm feeling now.
Honestly, I know I felt this way quite a bit before too. Lonely. It's escalated to a point now where I don't think I can manage anymore. I know I can't manage everything just on my own anyway, but I need to find my people. I need to find someone who I can give some of my strength and love to so that I can start to feel some of that again for my own.
I'm a mess right now and I have been for quite awhile. When I left my partner and best friend last year in March, I was devastated. I had a sketchy, but fantastic life following that breakup otherwise. I found myself in who I am and what I truly want to do with my life. I found out that I can do some great things with the knowledge base and skill set that I have- with who I am. I found myself here at Bluelight.
I became the social media and comm manager here, and I was so proud of my work. There was some issues absolutely, and I was still broken up about my relationship and I was in some precarious situations with my housing and personal situations. My drug and alcohol use was sky high and remained that way for a long time. I'm doing a bit better in that department now, but a bit better is still pretty hard core really. I have an incrediblely pervasive and massive issue with controlling my drug use and keeping myself steady through my addictions and mental health issues.
I went through some major life problems before everything got completely fucked on my end for awhile and then I disappeared.
The last major problem before this blackout was last October when I was registered with victims services in Oshawa, ON because this man I was seeing had been holding me captive at a motel. I don't drive, had no one in that area who could hold me til I could get home, and no one who would come get me. I don't mean captive as in I was locked away physically inside the motel 24/7, but that's only a step or two off of the reality of it.
About halfway through this month long ordeal I ran out to the college down the street from the motel. I had no shirt and no shoes and nothing but my guitar. I waited for the police to pick me up to take the to the hospital. They did. And they showed up at our room with guns drawn at him due to his record and what I'd reported. He had been threatening to kill me and had elaborated many times on he ways he was going to do it.
I wound up going back. There was no good and safe option for shelter. I wouldvs lost everything. All my stuff, everything. I dealt with him for a our 2 weeks or so until an.altercation between us finally caught the attention of security and he was forced to pay my cab home. $500 cab ride back home!!!
Back to another hell and to the making of anofher, even worse hell to come. I was out of my fucking mind with the trauma of all of this. I totally fucked up a meeting with Bluelight and some major Canadian harm reduction groups I was also affiliated with, on staff. Then my phone was stolen a few days after that. The complete meltdown I'd just had made a perfect storm for my hacker to fuck with me by using my accounts to send so many people so much horrible shit. I'm still dealing with picking up the pieces there. I no longer have that phone, the authorization app I used for my (and Bluelights) accounts, to 2FA into my emails and accounts needed to 2FA into the accounts I can no longer access to fix some of this.
Many of my relationships with a lot of people are completely lost. It's by far, the most fucked up, public and personal train wreck I've ever faced. I couldn't have been more fucked up here, and I know exactly who did this. I am still faced with how I will deal with this whole situation. My life only got worse from there. I wanted to badly to Ge back online and start fixing this, find out actually what had all happened here. I didn't know the full extent of how bad this was for months.
A friend of mine has backed up his chats with the Facebook account (mine) being used by my hacker to fuck with my life. This was a person who I let stay at my place for awhile, temporarily is what I'd said. Instead, he took my phone, fucked with an already terrible situation to a point I'll never be able to live down or make up to people. Some people will never believe I'm even telling the truth of what happened here with all these horrid messages that were sent to people using my device on my accounts in my home.. My friend has saved these chats and is prepared to back me up on this. This guy actually told him he had stolen and hacked my phone.
I can't get into the account because I need ID to get in now. I don't have ID. I am working on it now. It will take some time. At this point I am going to look at everything and make a backup of it all. Probably for court. I will also take the infi@bluelight email off of it.
To get into the rest of my accounts, I need to pay my phone bill with Fido who has my acct and of phone number. Once I have that number back I can start getting into more of my accounts and unravel it all. This is around $800 and I cannot afford that for the life of me...
I want to pay this bill so bad. I am so fucking upset about all of this. This situation and everything which has followed has basically ruined my life. The reception I get from people is basically what anyone gets when they're addicted to drugs and crazy shot happens. I get grilled on myself and my addictions personally. I often get disbelief. I've never gotten a hug and a "you're okay" or anything like that! It makes me so mad!
I feel like I have failed this community and everyone in it. I have a hard time posting this. Some days I have a hard time post here. I love Bluelight so much, and I'll never get to be a part of this place as I was. Ever again. That's heart breaking.
I lost all contact with Kevin. My ex. We had kept up contact after breaking up for quite awhile. He wants no contact now. I understand. I also feel like if this hadn't have happened and I was able to call more and things this would not be the case!
I don't even have his number! All.my contacts are lost in a Gmail which is tied to my old.pgone number which is $800! I know the password! It doesn't matter! I need my phone number back!
I don't have so many phone numbers and I cant get them back. There's people I just can't get a hold of anymore. I have no idea what messages or how many or how ruinous they were. The vast majority of people I've been in contact with have told me about this though. Most realized it wasn't me. The ones who aren't answering, who knows... I'm thinking that for some who can see that, they still just can't have that level of bullshit in their lives.
This affected my work severely as well. And as someone who works online, the fact that I ever put myself in a position where I've had my cybersecurity breached this badly will always look poorly on my. I am so lucky to have maintained the work I have and to have gained the new gigs I've gained since I finally got back online.
But, it's really, really hard man. I am always so scared of being fucked with this way again. I was into some subjects in cybersecurity and hacking to begin with. Now I spend more time researching that and fucking around with my devices and programs than actually working. I don't have much trust for most people. I try to not let this change my behaviours in things like "yes you can use my phone" or computer or things for a bit. But I'm always so scared of some liferuiner coming to take my already shitty situation and wreck it even more AGAIN.
I feel so distraught all the time. So misunderstood. I feel like people hate me. I miss everyone and the things I was so proud of so much. I truly love Bluelight. So much. To the point I will never leave this place for good (although I've thought about it) because this is like sanctuary for me. So much of my development as a person happened here with you guys, I can't go. Ever.
In my personal life.. I am lonlier than ever. I need someone to be close with. I do mean a man. I'm most comfortable with a good man in my life. Someone I can grow with.
I generally like a partner who's a bit older. even a fair bit older than me. I look for guys who are wiser and stabler than I am. That's an aim I tend to make even with who I pick as my friends. Some of them. I need people to learn from and I've learned that I can offer a whole life experience and my skills to people in a personally gratuitous way too.
I value people for who they are as much as I can, and I want to be good to others too. This is what I aim for anyway. Of course I don't always make the mark. Not even often, if you start aiming to perfection. Relationships in all their forms are tough work. They are work too, and that's bi-directional to move in and out of the relationships with the people we hold so dear. I miss my men, or my man the most.
A swath of angular body structure, with the neck resonant to his masculine voice - rumbling to be touched. His solid chest, muscled and big as I am to rise and fall evenly with sleep - as he is the warm body which is saving me a space in our bed. I crawl in next to him and I hug him close. I rest my head on his chest and my forehead into his neck, to his jaw line. He wraps his arms around my body and we mess around for a bit adjusting our bodies and limbs to get comfortable. I can sleep this way so easily, and so well. I miss this feeling so much. And all the other ways we can share a bed. We don't have to be touching. Sometimes I can lay down next to you, just watching you. When you've found your way this far into my heart, I'm here for you. As you are, or me. Or you were... I'm so sorry it didn't work out..
I'm crying writing this....
I miss having someone to talk to. I miss his interests and his desires and dreams.
I long to go places like I used to with him. For whatever needed to be done, done together. To go somewhere, just to be there. Maybe there's a story to this landmark, maybe not. Either way were there to hold the fort between us. Just for then, and to say what we need to say to each other. Or nothing at all. Sweet silence to equals in equanimity.
I miss having someone to love and care for, in respect to that same thing being given freely in return.
And the same to everyone who's here, or in my life otherwise who's not a romantic partner. That's a different version of the last few paragraphs to write.. But I feel so fucked up now and empty. Like a failure. I've truly failed everyone.
I don't always make the mark. No one does all the time. But for me I'm feeling like I've really got a lot of the most important people in my life put out, or that I've been put out through one process or another. I've lost so many this past year. A lot of this is my own fault, and some I know isn't but I'm not going to argue what it and what isn't or what events in my life went which way. That isn't the point to how I'm feeling now.
Honestly, I know I felt this way quite a bit before too. Lonely. It's escalated to a point now where I don't think I can manage anymore. I know I can't manage everything just on my own anyway, but I need to find my people. I need to find someone who I can give some of my strength and love to so that I can start to feel some of that again for my own.
I'm a mess right now and I have been for quite awhile. When I left my partner and best friend last year in March, I was devastated. I had a sketchy, but fantastic life following that breakup otherwise. I found myself in who I am and what I truly want to do with my life. I found out that I can do some great things with the knowledge base and skill set that I have- with who I am. I found myself here at Bluelight.
I became the social media and comm manager here, and I was so proud of my work. There was some issues absolutely, and I was still broken up about my relationship and I was in some precarious situations with my housing and personal situations. My drug and alcohol use was sky high and remained that way for a long time. I'm doing a bit better in that department now, but a bit better is still pretty hard core really. I have an incrediblely pervasive and massive issue with controlling my drug use and keeping myself steady through my addictions and mental health issues.
I went through some major life problems before everything got completely fucked on my end for awhile and then I disappeared.
The last major problem before this blackout was last October when I was registered with victims services in Oshawa, ON because this man I was seeing had been holding me captive at a motel. I don't drive, had no one in that area who could hold me til I could get home, and no one who would come get me. I don't mean captive as in I was locked away physically inside the motel 24/7, but that's only a step or two off of the reality of it.
About halfway through this month long ordeal I ran out to the college down the street from the motel. I had no shirt and no shoes and nothing but my guitar. I waited for the police to pick me up to take the to the hospital. They did. And they showed up at our room with guns drawn at him due to his record and what I'd reported. He had been threatening to kill me and had elaborated many times on he ways he was going to do it.
I wound up going back. There was no good and safe option for shelter. I wouldvs lost everything. All my stuff, everything. I dealt with him for a our 2 weeks or so until an.altercation between us finally caught the attention of security and he was forced to pay my cab home. $500 cab ride back home!!!
Back to another hell and to the making of anofher, even worse hell to come. I was out of my fucking mind with the trauma of all of this. I totally fucked up a meeting with Bluelight and some major Canadian harm reduction groups I was also affiliated with, on staff. Then my phone was stolen a few days after that. The complete meltdown I'd just had made a perfect storm for my hacker to fuck with me by using my accounts to send so many people so much horrible shit. I'm still dealing with picking up the pieces there. I no longer have that phone, the authorization app I used for my (and Bluelights) accounts, to 2FA into my emails and accounts needed to 2FA into the accounts I can no longer access to fix some of this.
Many of my relationships with a lot of people are completely lost. It's by far, the most fucked up, public and personal train wreck I've ever faced. I couldn't have been more fucked up here, and I know exactly who did this. I am still faced with how I will deal with this whole situation. My life only got worse from there. I wanted to badly to Ge back online and start fixing this, find out actually what had all happened here. I didn't know the full extent of how bad this was for months.
A friend of mine has backed up his chats with the Facebook account (mine) being used by my hacker to fuck with my life. This was a person who I let stay at my place for awhile, temporarily is what I'd said. Instead, he took my phone, fucked with an already terrible situation to a point I'll never be able to live down or make up to people. Some people will never believe I'm even telling the truth of what happened here with all these horrid messages that were sent to people using my device on my accounts in my home.. My friend has saved these chats and is prepared to back me up on this. This guy actually told him he had stolen and hacked my phone.
I can't get into the account because I need ID to get in now. I don't have ID. I am working on it now. It will take some time. At this point I am going to look at everything and make a backup of it all. Probably for court. I will also take the infi@bluelight email off of it.
To get into the rest of my accounts, I need to pay my phone bill with Fido who has my acct and of phone number. Once I have that number back I can start getting into more of my accounts and unravel it all. This is around $800 and I cannot afford that for the life of me...
I want to pay this bill so bad. I am so fucking upset about all of this. This situation and everything which has followed has basically ruined my life. The reception I get from people is basically what anyone gets when they're addicted to drugs and crazy shot happens. I get grilled on myself and my addictions personally. I often get disbelief. I've never gotten a hug and a "you're okay" or anything like that! It makes me so mad!
I feel like I have failed this community and everyone in it. I have a hard time posting this. Some days I have a hard time post here. I love Bluelight so much, and I'll never get to be a part of this place as I was. Ever again. That's heart breaking.
I lost all contact with Kevin. My ex. We had kept up contact after breaking up for quite awhile. He wants no contact now. I understand. I also feel like if this hadn't have happened and I was able to call more and things this would not be the case!
I don't even have his number! All.my contacts are lost in a Gmail which is tied to my old.pgone number which is $800! I know the password! It doesn't matter! I need my phone number back!
I don't have so many phone numbers and I cant get them back. There's people I just can't get a hold of anymore. I have no idea what messages or how many or how ruinous they were. The vast majority of people I've been in contact with have told me about this though. Most realized it wasn't me. The ones who aren't answering, who knows... I'm thinking that for some who can see that, they still just can't have that level of bullshit in their lives.
This affected my work severely as well. And as someone who works online, the fact that I ever put myself in a position where I've had my cybersecurity breached this badly will always look poorly on my. I am so lucky to have maintained the work I have and to have gained the new gigs I've gained since I finally got back online.
But, it's really, really hard man. I am always so scared of being fucked with this way again. I was into some subjects in cybersecurity and hacking to begin with. Now I spend more time researching that and fucking around with my devices and programs than actually working. I don't have much trust for most people. I try to not let this change my behaviours in things like "yes you can use my phone" or computer or things for a bit. But I'm always so scared of some liferuiner coming to take my already shitty situation and wreck it even more AGAIN.
I feel so distraught all the time. So misunderstood. I feel like people hate me. I miss everyone and the things I was so proud of so much. I truly love Bluelight. So much. To the point I will never leave this place for good (although I've thought about it) because this is like sanctuary for me. So much of my development as a person happened here with you guys, I can't go. Ever.
In my personal life.. I am lonlier than ever. I need someone to be close with. I do mean a man. I'm most comfortable with a good man in my life. Someone I can grow with.
I generally like a partner who's a bit older. even a fair bit older than me. I look for guys who are wiser and stabler than I am. That's an aim I tend to make even with who I pick as my friends. Some of them. I need people to learn from and I've learned that I can offer a whole life experience and my skills to people in a personally gratuitous way too.
I value people for who they are as much as I can, and I want to be good to others too. This is what I aim for anyway. Of course I don't always make the mark. Not even often, if you start aiming to perfection. Relationships in all their forms are tough work. They are work too, and that's bi-directional to move in and out of the relationships with the people we hold so dear. I miss my men, or my man the most.
A swath of angular body structure, with the neck resonant to his masculine voice - rumbling to be touched. His solid chest, muscled and big as I am to rise and fall evenly with sleep - as he is the warm body which is saving me a space in our bed. I crawl in next to him and I hug him close. I rest my head on his chest and my forehead into his neck, to his jaw line. He wraps his arms around my body and we mess around for a bit adjusting our bodies and limbs to get comfortable. I can sleep this way so easily, and so well. I miss this feeling so much. And all the other ways we can share a bed. We don't have to be touching. Sometimes I can lay down next to you, just watching you. When you've found your way this far into my heart, I'm here for you. As you are, or me. Or you were... I'm so sorry it didn't work out..
I'm crying writing this....
I miss having someone to talk to. I miss his interests and his desires and dreams.
I long to go places like I used to with him. For whatever needed to be done, done together. To go somewhere, just to be there. Maybe there's a story to this landmark, maybe not. Either way were there to hold the fort between us. Just for then, and to say what we need to say to each other. Or nothing at all. Sweet silence to equals in equanimity.
I miss having someone to love and care for, in respect to that same thing being given freely in return.
And the same to everyone who's here, or in my life otherwise who's not a romantic partner. That's a different version of the last few paragraphs to write.. But I feel so fucked up now and empty. Like a failure. I've truly failed everyone.
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