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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I messed up my detox, what now ?

C

cay

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 29, 2009
Messages
113
Bad bad boy, 17 days and had an opportunity and decided to do a little even though I didn't want it. Curiosity got the better of me, I thought my tolerance was shot. So much for that, oh well it's my only connection and I told them that I was cut off after this for a minimum of 30 days. But here's the kicker I'm crazy itchy and I didn't even really enjoy it. So as long as I am not physically set back I am going to keep counting up on days and now instead of looking forward to the next dose like I have fir the last 17 days I will just remember it's not worth it because I didn't enjoy it. I did get pretty high but that's already faded. The only thing I am curious about what is tomorrow going to be like. I was craving like a fiend on Monday yesterday in a ton of pain and perfectly okay today even hyper and happy. What a stupid thing to do I thought I would at least enjoy it. Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Just need to keep remembering this sucked major ass.

Just wanted to share sorry guys I feel like I failed you just because I was curious.
 
cay said:
Bad bad boy, 17 days and had an opportunity and decided to do a little even though I didn't want it. Curiosity got the better of me, I thought my tolerance was shot. So much for that, oh well it's my only connection and I told them that I was cut off after this for a minimum of 30 days. But here's the kicker I'm crazy itchy and I didn't even really enjoy it. So as long as I am not physically set back I am going to keep counting up on days and now instead of looking forward to the next dose like I have fir the last 17 days I will just remember it's not worth it because I didn't enjoy it. I did get pretty high but that's already faded. The only thing I am curious about what is tomorrow going to be like. I was craving like a fiend on Monday yesterday in a ton of pain and perfectly okay today even hyper and happy. What a stupid thing to do I thought I would at least enjoy it. Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Just need to keep remembering this sucked major ass.

Just wanted to share sorry guys I feel like I failed you just because I was curious.
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Are you curious to see if you have what it takes to go 18 days? Once you do that, what about 20? 25? Where will you stop friend? Remember every time you fall, is an chance to get up and start doing the right thing again.
 
I am the same, I quit opiates and crave them like mad thinking "if only I had some opiates, then I would be happy" but then a week or two later i dont even want them anymore but i end up using anyway and then dont enjoy them but end up getting hooked again. I have decided i hate opiates.
 
Day 29 without anything at all over here. It's just about learning to say no to that little voice inside your head that tells you that you can use heroin recreationally now, that you've made so much progress, that you deserve it, blah blah blah. It's all just your addiction working against you. I think saying you're on day 18 of sobriety tomorrow would just be lying to yourself personally, but whatever stops you from falling again I guess.
 
I wanted to wait to reply to this, but honestly doing that small taste probably was best for me. It seems to have turned off the roaming alarm, the constant bombardment of "this will fix all your issues" and "the next dose will be killer". I did it purely on an intellectual curiosity knowing what I was doing was wrong. And to be honest I couldn't be happier with my decision and it seems like every time I wait for the other shoe to drop it never does.

Maybe it's the fact I lucked out returning to my personality before drugs, maybe it's the fact I watched drugs destroy my mom while my dad taught me abstinence is a bad policy unless you can't moderate. Honestly I just believe everyone is different and genetics plays a big role into it. I have honestly gone through my own woes but most of them have been that damn bombardment with a mix of depression. I still cramp I have crazy bad diarrhea all things expected of me at this point but now instead of remembering something fondly I can only think of the negative. Then again who knows I may just be lying to myself, but if it's working who cares. Going back to the point of moderation vs abstinence, this may have more to do with genes then anything else but after 8 years on the pills with an incredibly high tolerance I would run on avg 28 days on a 30 days script (as in I was only missing 2 days worth of pills rarely taking more than I was supposed to). Looking back I didn't differentiate between addict and physically dependent because every morning I rolled out of bed and took another dose, I had to. To me that meant I was addicted, I was depressed to the point suicide wouldn't get off my mind even though I had little interest in it. And now I am happy, then again maybe it helps that I had a doctor who was awesome in the sense he actually talked with me he took care of me (not by arbitrary upping the script but not being insulted by the words "I am craving this drug can we change") and honestly I tried to be as honest as one could be in that situation. I don't know it's been a ride to say the least now I will go back to feeling actually rested from sleep and my return to a normality that includes a standard state of mania. Hopefully this isn't still the post opiate wd high and it is just a return to me. Only time will tell.
 
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I want to note a couple of things, first off the title was in bad taste was still a little high and that song came on. Once again backing my philosophy of bad not good.

Secondly I have used this strategy "convince myself you hate it" successfully for other things I couldn't put down (one of which was WoW, which on a mental level I think was harder than the opiates, sure it doesn't feel like your skin is going to rip off if you don't get another hit but on the other hand easy availability speaks for a lot and I had an avg online time of about 16hrs a day for the first 4 or 6 years? Honestly to my family and friends they thought I had a larger problem with that than I ever did with this and honestly I still agree).

Third honesty and doctor, and i am fairly certain you know who I am and you are reading these (as I tell you essentially the exact things I post with anything illegal removed so that you aren't held responsible for what I tell you & my username isn't exactly creative, that and long ago you told me you read this site). I was honest about everything that would not put you in a compromised position therefore forcing me into withdrawal and risking my family's financial security. However I still told two bold face lies to you (and i think that's it) not something I ever wanted to do but the pros vs cons of telling you weighed the fact that keeping it a secret was in both of our favor. First would be the IV use second would be the rare trips into the city for h (this one more a lie of omission, and honestly a social thing). I honestly had your welfare put before mine but my family before both of ours and that is part of why we did hydrocodone formulated I figured with a high bioavailability there was no reason to iv so go figure I ended up eating twice as much as prescribed to simply stay out of withdrawal. That's why we went off it so fast because at that point I couldn't convince you to up the dose and i couldn't lower my dose without spending some time out of work so I just started planning to quit at that point (definitely not the only reason). I started being a squirrel with nuts hiding money from my wife and shutting down extra spending. I stocked away 9 months of livable income for a family of 4 at that point.

Maybe more than anything I need to just get this off my chest. Because honestly I fucking hated lying even about that and felt guilty as hell. On top of that when you found out a former patient lied to you you took it really hard. The thing I always wanted to say is that you are in a profession that forces patients to lie to you. I didn't start this shooting pills, I started this with a deep hatred for pills and the general medical profession because they forced me to take adhd meds as a kid, I watched as opiates destroyed my mom and meth sent her to prison (something she is so guilty for that she thinks I resent but at the time I couldn't care less I was being forced by my dad to eat the adhd meds which made me apathetic as hell). I watched my dad devolve into an alcoholic as his way of coping. My older sister was a partier but like my dad never had an issue putting down the drugs and prioritizing life. And when I say that I don't want my kids to experience what my life was like, what a lot of people's lives are like I mean it. And to be honest I know a lot who had it far worst off then me.
 
burn out said:
I am the same, I quit opiates and crave them like mad thinking "if only I had some opiates, then I would be happy" but then a week or two later i dont even want them anymore but i end up using anyway and then dont enjoy them but end up getting hooked again. I have decided i hate opiates.
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I go thru the same damn thing, I make it a couple, few days, start feeling REALLY bad, headache, body hurts so fucking bad, sneezing left and right, etc. all I keep thinking is just a little bit of dope will make all this go away...even though I know its the worst thing to do and just continuing this addiction on longer and longer.

Then I start thinking if I could only keep my use under control, like some other people manage to do, I know more than a few people who use, but go to work everyday, have a family, they meet their obligations, pay their bills, and use extra money on dope, somehow they are able to keep this shit under control and maintain their lives...but when I binge, I end up using ALL my money, selling stuff, borrowing money from anyone willing to give me any, etc.

Id LOVE to know how some people can keep this shit under control!!?? (talking about Heroin use btw)
 
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