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I messed up and don't know what to do (kinda long)

RustyShackleford

RustyShackleford

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 19, 2010
Messages
9
Location
New Jersey/Philly
Ok this title might sound like I messed up with a girl/relationship but no, big time personal mess up here. So over the past couple months I've had an infatuation with tranny porn, not really sure why. Anyway, I've checked around backpage looking at ts escorts and such, never really much intention on following through. But I came across a very feminine looking cd (who isn't actually an escort, found on okcupid) and had been in contact with them, again never thinking I would follow through. The other night I was browsing the same previously mentioned stuff and decided to contact said cd, and they were in a hotel near by and invited me over. I contemplated going or not and for some reason I did, and I knew if I did anything I'd regret it. (I consider myself straight, but have fooled around with a gay boy around the block from me twice, and felt weird after both times, so I knew this would be the same). I almost didn't make it to the hotel room cause you needed a room key for the elevators, but long story short I made it. That whole impending time I was very nervous and had no idea what to expect, and came very close to leaving but for some reason I stayed and waited. When they opened the door they were exactly as pictured, but I was not interested anymore. Still I sat down and soon enough they were taking my pants off, next thing I know my dick was in their mouth. No rubber. I was grossed out and not even hard, just a semi, but managed to nut in like 20 seconds so I could get the fuck out of there. Don't know why I just didn't tell them to stop but I didn't. I cleaned up in the bathroom and came back out to get my shit and had to keep myself together in order to not puke right there on the floor. I was disgusted with myself completely. I walked out of the room and almost threw up the whole walk back to the elevators. I drove home and got drunk and high and tired to forget about it but I can't. The last two days I still just feel so grimey, don't know if I got anything from them either. I've read it's rarer for STDs to get passed through oral sex but it's still possible, and I'm thinking since it was so quick I may be good, but I would not be surprised if I'm not. So that's pretty bad. But the mental part is even worse. I just feel like such a piece of shit and just plain dirty. I know this all sounds crazy, and believe me, in retrospect it sounds completely crazy to me too. But I guess I was wondering if anyone had any advice as to either the physical or mental predicaments I find myself in now.
 
I'm confused as to what exactly your mental predicament is here? Is it that you continue to 'experiment' with guys even after feeling disgusted the first time? :?
 
not really, more just feeling ashamed currently about this incident specifically. although I met them on okcupid, they also have their own website for their cd 'personality' i guess you would say. again, not an escort, but it wasn't exactly personal. and even though i had to send pics and introduce myself and get "accepted" you could say, this this was definitely not a date. also, i'm not exactly sure how strict the criterion to get "accepted" is. i just didn't wanna keep this all bottled up so i reached out on here, i'm not even really sure what kind of responses i'm looking for. i guess you could just say i'm all ears.
 
I would consider that if this kind of sexual relationship leaves you feeling this disturbed, perhaps that is a sign that it is time to try something different and more traditional like getting to know somebody a little before committing the act.
 
Well, at least you know where you stand. Why do you feel so disgusted with yourself? If you're reacting this strongly there must be some sort of underlying cause that it would probably do you very good to find. I don't really think you have anything to be so disgusted about though. You tried something you'd been curious about (at least you had the guts to try!), now you know it's not your thing.
Lots of people, including me, feel disgusted after one night stands anyway. That common disgust is probably amplified for you because this was a new experience, with a transsexual, which you obviously weren't comfortable with in the end. Give it a few weeks and you'll accept this as just a mistake - or not even a mistake, a learning opportunity. This doesn't change who you are!
 
There's a fine line between reality and fantasy.

A lot of people love finding themselves balls-deep in fantasies... tranny porn, rape fantasies, bondage, etc, and then when the reality comes, it's not the same.

If your physical and emotional reactions made you sick, take it as a lesson to know where to maturely draw the line next time.

You'll forget it in time. It doesn't make you a bad person, give yourself some slack and don't rip yourself apart over it.
 
For a start, you may consider yourself straight, but actions speak louder than words, and so it would appear that you are at the very least bi-curious.

However, try to just think of yourself as sexual. Purely a sexual being with urges which are neither wrong or right - they just are.

Now when you have your urges, think of them as that: urges - if you find yourself acting them out they become reality.

If the reality is they make you feel physically ill, and grimey - well ask yourself honestly, why this is: whether it is because you are socially conditioned to think that anything other than "straight" is sick and wrong behaviour; because you thought you knew yourself, but actually whole facets of yourself you had no idea about are coming out and you're physically sick because you're scared of what it might mean; or simply that your experimentation has shown you from your physical and emotional response, that you are not homosexual.

?

Ever need any help gaining insight into what's going on, give me a PM anytime - until recently I was horribly and anxiously confused about my sexuality, even though I had perceived myself to be bi since an LSA trip 4 years ago - it takes time to adjust, especially if you listen to other people's views during the period of adjustment.
 
Feel bad from the time you fucked her/him/it then just fuck the tranny again and you won't feel bad about the first time anymore as you'll feel worse about the second more recent time.

It's the same principle of if you cut your finger make it better by hammering you toe.
 
patra said:
There's a fine line between reality and fantasy.

A lot of people love finding themselves balls-deep in fantasies... tranny porn, rape fantasies, bondage, etc, and then when the reality comes, it's not the same.

If your physical and emotional reactions made you sick, take it as a lesson to know where to maturely draw the line next time.

You'll forget it in time. It doesn't make you a bad person, give yourself some slack and don't rip yourself apart over it.
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this

dont beat yourself up i feel the same remorse if i had sex with someone i think was grim afterwards. it fades.

oral sex is way less likely to transmit STD's but it can happen so get checked out and get tested. FYI i never heard of anyone using a condom for oral sex and i never have so i wouldn't freak out too much. anal sex is a different story
 
I think your not feeling bad for the sex itself but rather becuase you had unsafe sex and contact with someone with a higher likelyhood of having a disease; at least thats what Im getting from the OP.

Get tested if clean will feel clean.

Oh and there are some bad diseases transmittable through oral sex so again get tested and from now on ALWAYS use protection.
 
pofacedhoe said:
how many people use condoms for oral sex? its not common at all primarily cos condoms taste like shit
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For real man. My sister is a prostitute and says she prefers condoms because her customers like mostly blowjobs. I know it's bullshit. To the OP, get yourself tested just to be sure. You're probably safe but don't take the chance. You will get over this in time.
 
lol use protection for oral sex.

How about no - I think I can speak for most people when they say they would rather go without than use oral dams or condoms for oral sex.
You're hilarious dude.
Comrade Kane said:
I think your not feeling bad for the sex itself but rather becuase you had unsafe sex and contact with someone with a higher likelyhood of having a disease; at least thats what Im getting from the OP.

Get tested if clean will feel clean.

Oh and there are some bad diseases transmittable through oral sex so again get tested and from now on ALWAYS use protection.
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True^^^

Same reason some people dont use condoms for vaginal and anal; feels like shit.

Buuut. Id rather suffer a lessening of pleasure than an incurable disease.

On the plus side when you get into a LTR with someone you love and trust the added intimacy of skin on skin sexual activity is well yeah an added intimacy.


B1tO'RoughJack said:
lol use protection for oral sex.

How about no - I think I can speak for most people when they say they would rather go without than use oral dams or condoms for oral sex.
You're hilarious dude.
Click to expand...

I am unsure what RoughJack means here. Could someone enlighten me?
 
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