I love a dead man.

His name is Charlie Robert Marks. He is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. I told him, that, too. His eyes are dark and have a red tint to them. I watched every momement, and memorized everything about him. His scent rubbed off onto my skin and it never left. He told me awful stories of jail and terrible rehabilitation centers. He told me the truth when I asked why his arms looked so fucked up. He was a heroin addict, and I loved him. He drew me the most beautiful picture I have ever seen in my life. No matter where I go, I always hang on to that picture.

He moved back home, to Los Angeles, and he promised to keep in touch; he didn't. I tried to contact him, nothing happened. He died. It wasn't an overdose of dope, it was a hot shot. I cried a lot that whole month. He was the most beautiful creature I had seen. I see other men that look almost identical to him. I try to get their attention. I'm specifically draw to men with dark hair, dark eyes, pale skin with artistic talents. Maybe its because I miss you. Maybe its because I picture you wherever I go. Maybe its because I'm so unsure, always.

"Like a needle and thread, I'll pull through".

I promise I will visit your grave. I feel you here all the time. Rest in pace, darling

 

One step at a time. Keep your head up! And your eyes on the prize!

...You'll get there, you'll get there. First thing's first though (god these cliches are certainly a love-hate thing going on)

Why don't you post more often in TDS miss cake? Just wondering, but I bet some of the folk there could give you some really insightful feedback. At least more so given your situation than in OD. Anyways, I don't mean to be a downer... Time for me to stfu.

 

i'm sorry for your loss, it sounds like you did have a great love for each other.

 

Hey, its okay. I'm reminded in April. He passed April 20th, 2011 in L.A. I was here in Minneapolis, of course. His friend told me the news; Charlie died. After I found that out, my habit began to spiral even more out of control. Every time I shot my dope after his death, I said "please understand, please. I can't help it. Don't be mad at me, Charlie". I did get clean later that year, and I swear on everything I own that I felt him next to me the night before I finally got onto Suboxone. I was the most dope sick I had ever been; I was crying, sweating, dying to feel better. I felt him lay next to me and suddenly I felt calm. I'm not a religious person..not at all. I guess I'm a spiritual person, though. I question these things. Thanks for the support, sprk and toothpastedog.

 

Hey. You are incredibly caring, he made such an impact on you that you can feel his spirit with you, a year later your feelings still take over. It's usually a bummer when we can't hang out but today I thought it was beautiful that his memory means so much, you needed that time. He would be so proud of you today, working so hard to bring real happiness into your life

 

Sounds like you are reminiscing on the needle while remembering an old friend. So sorry to hear about that but don't let it set you off. You are doing so well. Many of our friends died, it's hard not to separate the reason they died from the amazing people they were and who they affected.

XO XTCAKE stay you and stay strong.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. At least you have a picture to remember him by.

And your quite a good writer btw.