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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I lost everything, and I'm going to end up dead.

I think you should try to get a job at McDonalds or Burger King. They hire people from all walks of life (ie. Murders, rapists, etc). I don't think you should go back to jail because once you come out, you'll be looking for a job anyways so why not start now?
 
No! You did let us down. You let us all down. We all tell you to get your life back together and you come back to doing this! Literally every post from you on this thread is like "oh I went back to heroin" when all of us are telling you to stop doing it. Why can't you stop man? Just stop! For the sake of yourself plz just stop whatever the hell you are doing. Spend the rest of your money on a tuxedo so you can interview at McDonalds. No I'm not playing. This is literally your only option or go to jail. McDonalds is generous in that they don't drug test or do criminal background checks. So you can literally be a cashier there by tomorrow or next week. Money is really important in America. There is another way out for you, but I'm not gonna say it because I believe you are better than that.
 
Hey Wow, glad to hear from you. Shit what a mess. I been in a similar place a long time ago, burning through my cash at a terrifying pace because I was that addicted and cared that little about what might happen to me. Inevitably this is all going to come to a grinding stop any day now if you're caning through your bank balance at a rate of 500 a day. That's what happened to me, and it was the worst of all my withdrawals.

Don't worry about whether you've let us lot down, everyone is going to have a different idea on that. I really am rooting for you, but it's not looking good. I am just real concerned that one of these days you're not going to reply at all, your poor heart must be on the verge of exploding.

I'm keeping faith you'll find a way out of this though, there is always a way. Keeping everything crossed for ya.
 
I will pray for you. Reading your story breaks my heart and there is nothing God cannot fix. I've never done heroin, but technically I should NOT be alive today from an overdose and, plenty of drug combinations and impulsive behaviour. You can and will get well. Running out of money might not be bad if you can't support your habit anymore.

Please call upon God, Jesus Christ and the angels to help you through this. I was in hell all year with benzo abuse, almost dying from combining it with alcohol. I've passed out and fallen time and time again with family having to pick me up off the floor. I've even done embarrassing things in front of strangers, but that's the past. I wasn't really a believer before, but now I'm healthy and doing well. Take Jesus into your heart as your Lord and Saviour, you must surrender. What else do you have to lose? Once you surrender to His love and light, you will see many beautiful changes and the way out of this hell.

The devil is working hard and is close to succeeding at his mission of taking you out. That's what he has wanted all along. Don't let him win. Rebuke him in the name of Jesus and get his foot off your neck.

Good luck. And the other suggestions are good too. Why not check into a hospital to get actual help? You're only landing there when you OD. Actually go for help instead.
 
If letting some strangers on the internet down is the worst you do then I think you will get over it ;).

But for real its not a question of desire with you its a question of circumstance and brain chemicals. Will you hit on the right balance of both or die? No one fails at sobriety they just run out of time. If you can keep yourself alive then you will find your way eventually. You cant be picky right now. Get on methadone then see where you are in a month. Priority today is too stop the bleeding once we get that done we will see where your at and go from there.

I guarantee stopping a 500 dollar dope habit is going to hurt just as much as getting off methadone if not more. Your too tough to run from a little withdrawal anyway. Lets cut the bullshit what are you really running from? A court date? Rehabs deal with court dates everyday that's not a good enough reason. Withdrawal? Detox will let you down easy. Yourself? You will be at peace when this is over and you make a decision on the future. 90 percent of the inner turmoil comes from the struggle to justify your actions of staying in active addiction. You have a disease that your not at fault for having.

The bottom is coming your only decision at this point is how hard your going to hit the floor.
 
deadendgame said:
No! You did let us down. You let us all down. We all tell you to get your life back together and you come back to doing this! Literally every post from you on this thread is like "oh I went back to heroin" when all of us are telling you to stop doing it. Why can't you stop man? Just stop! For the sake of yourself plz just stop whatever the hell you are doing. Spend the rest of your money on a tuxedo so you can interview at McDonalds. No I'm not playing. This is literally your only option or go to jail. McDonalds is generous in that they don't drug test or do criminal background checks. So you can literally be a cashier there by tomorrow or next week. Money is really important in America. There is another way out for you, but I'm not gonna say it because I believe you are better than that.
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I couldn't leave the bolded alone - what a fantastic mental image...I am hoping you meant suit as I don't think any fast food place would hire someone showing up in a tux, though they may call the cops.

You're telling w0w to just stop, which is great rational advice but so very difficult to do when stuck in an addictive cycle. Sometimes it really isn't that easy, and some drugs change the physiology of the brain making stopping seem almost impossible. Normally I don't include opiates in the drugs that do this, but don't forget some heavy hitting RC's were involved this past year. We don't know all the damage they do or everything that's involved in recovering from them. I think your heart is in the right place but I also think you're being unduly harsh which can motivate somebody to use more because it makes them feel worse. Also regarding just stopping, if it were that simple addiction would be a nonissue as most of us wouldn't use or have used to the complete decimation of our lives...just saying.

Muzda Jonxx said:
Hey Wow, glad to hear from you. Shit what a mess. I been in a similar place a long time ago, burning through my cash at a terrifying pace because I was that addicted and cared that little about what might happen to me. Inevitably this is all going to come to a grinding stop any day now if you're caning through your bank balance at a rate of 500 a day. That's what happened to me, and it was the worst of all my withdrawals.

Don't worry about whether you've let us lot down, everyone is going to have a different idea on that. I really am rooting for you, but it's not looking good. I am just real concerned that one of these days you're not going to reply at all, your poor heart must be on the verge of exploding.

I'm keeping faith you'll find a way out of this though, there is always a way. Keeping everything crossed for ya.
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You said you were in a similar place years ago, how did you get out of that sotuation? This may be useful to w0w and others who are currently stuck in the addictive cycle.

cj said:
If letting some strangers on the internet down is the worst you do then I think you will get over it ;).

But for real its not a question of desire with you its a question of circumstance and brain chemicals. Will you hit on the right balance of both or die? No one fails at sobriety they just run out of time. If you can keep yourself alive then you will find your way eventually. You cant be picky right now. Get on methadone then see where you are in a month. Priority today is too stop the bleeding once we get that done we will see where your at and go from there.

I guarantee stopping a 500 dollar dope habit is going to hurt just as much as getting off methadone if not more. Your too tough to run from a little withdrawal anyway. Lets cut the bullshit what are you really running from? A court date? Rehabs deal with court dates everyday that's not a good enough reason. Withdrawal? Detox will let you down easy. Yourself? You will be at peace when this is over and you make a decision on the future. 90 percent of the inner turmoil comes from the struggle to justify your actions of staying in active addiction. You have a disease that your not at fault for having.

The bottom is coming your only decision at this point is how hard your going to hit the floor.
Click to expand...


I have never heard the bolded phrase before but there is so much truth in it, thank you for posting that. I think you are absolutely correct regarding circumstance and brain chemicals - I think both of those are key in w0w's situation. I think there was always an issue with chemical balance in play but the heavy drug use, particularly the RC's really made the situation exponentially worse. Along with an imbalance I have to wonder what kind of damage was done to his receptors, specifically with the U47000, and how long it is going to take his body to repair the damage.

w0w - In all honesty, given your history and current situation, I still don't necessarily think jail is the worst thing for you. I think you need a longterm facility to put distance between you and substance and to have a foothold in healing. Since longterm rehab isn't an option, jail seems like the next best alternative. Really try to take advantage of the resources you will have available there. I'm sure the have some level of mental health care, but do you know if they have any substance abuse programs you can join? Is there anyway to research the facility you'll be going to before you go to see what's available?
 
I don't think jail is going to be the answer for Wows problem. He really needs a medical detox now that he has endocarditis. I know a couple people who have it. It really zaps there resiliency toward any kind of infection, high blood pressure, and dehydration. I personally don't trust a county jail to safely detox someone. Too many horror stories. The more I think about this thread the more I think you need to lay yourself at the mercy of the hospital.
 
cj said:
I don't think jail is going to be the answer for Wows problem. He really needs a medical detox now that he has endocarditis. I know a couple people who have it. It really zaps there resiliency toward any kind of infection, high blood pressure, and dehydration. I personally don't trust a county jail to safely detox someone. Too many horror stories. The more I think about this thread the more I think you need to lay yourself at the mercy of the hospital.
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Well said! He has too many medical/addiction issues to just be thrown in a cell. People have died in jail because of neglect. You think they care about giving him the right medicine? Hell no.

GET YOUR ASS TO A HOSPITAL LIKE EVERY ONE IS TELLING YOU!!!
 
CoastTwoCoast said:
GET YOUR ASS TO A HOSPITAL LIKE EVERY ONE IS TELLING YOU!!!
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Everyone is right - get your ass to the hospital! I know it sounds like the last thing you want to do - but it WILL be safer than jail. Please, get your ass to a hospital.

- VE
 
He has two days to make a move. If you don't seek medical attention and go to probation you will be going to jail. So you better think long and hard how you want to get through this. One way or the other you have to deal with it. The last thing in the world you should do is not show on Monday and go on the run. That will make a bad situation much worse. McDonald's is not an option, but I'm sure you already know that! Please do yourself a favor and go to the hospital. They have social workers that can give you direction while you start your detox. I have heard some pretty rough stories about detox in jail and considering your heart everyone here is right and you do need medical supervision. I just have a bad feeling you aren't going to show on Monday and make things worse. End this now and go get help. Life is hard enough. No reason to be your own worst enemy. Only you can make your next move. Go up instead of further down.
 
Moreaux suggests above that I should explain how I got out of a similar situation. So here goes. As I say, it was similar but not identical. I spent 10 days in intensive care after fucking my kidneys with some unknown rc. After I got out of there, I lost my job and therefore source of income. I was hooked on xanax, valium and subutex at the time. I had money in the bank, but instead of trying to address my issues I holed up in my house and proceeded to blow my way through a good couple hundred quid's worth of drugs a day.

I Fucked off the subutex in favour of full agonist opiates quickly, and got myself onto etizolam instead of xanax. I met a dealer who could supply me with a whole galaxy of weird drugs including antipsychotics and whatnot, and spent my days in a drugged haze for a good couple of months.

Of course it couldn't last, and I eventually found myself at the wrong end of about £15k debt. I'm still paying it off to this day. Once it ran out, I had to face withdrawal from multiple substances and losing my home all at once, practically overnight. Within a few weeks of that I was kipping on people's sofas, relying on handouts for food. I lived on less than a meal a day for a good couple of months. All this going through the one of the worst withdrawals I've ever faced.

How did I dig myself out? I had to force myself into getting to the job centre, and eventually after 4 months found a new job. My ex-wife let me stay on her sofa, as I could help with her bills / house etc. I oh-so slowly began to recover a bit of dignity, self respect and drive. It was extraordinarily difficult but I got there eventually.

So - my story is similar but not identical. I did get in trouble with the law, but not to the same extent as Wow here. He's at the point in my story where the cash is going to quit and what little remains of his house of cards will fall.
 
Thx for sharing. Sometimes hearing other people's solutions to similar issues can help us find solutions to our own. I am hoping something you have said does this for w0w. When I was struggling I didn't have others in recovery that he similar issues to mine and I had no answers on my own. Addiction resources were scarce in my town and doctors weren't familiar with a long term benzo habit or recovery. All answers arrived to "just stop", but with the souls crushing depression and the painful physical and mental withdrawal made just stopping for me an unattainable dream at the time. I prayed for death just to break the cycle. I can't help but think that w0w may feel similarly trapped, and granularly discussingbhow someone resolved a similar situation may generate answers.

I give you so much credit Muzda - words are inadequate to fully express how difficult a time that must have been for you. It's very inspirational to see where you are now and that it is possible to overcome such painful and seemingly impossible issues to get back to a healthy regular life.

I haven't really seen or read anyone saying this, but something that helped me stop the cycle was to make a list of my biggest issues. I ranked them based on what was killing me the quickest and have the most negative impact at the time. Of course I wanted to work in everything at one time but in the end I had to tackle that list one item at a time, and everything said and done, it took several years, though I'm still working on much smaller issues now that we're at the bottom of that list.

W0w, if possible, please give us an update, and let us know how you're doing and what's going on. Big hugs your way!
 
*UPDATE*

I have court here, Monday/tomorrow, at 2PM.
I have not seen my PO, and I was suppose to bring my hospital paper work
to prove I was in the hospital. I have not been able to get a ride to the hospital.
I have spent the last of my money today on 2 bundles (20 bags) on heroin.
I only have 2 bags left for the morning to keep the withdrawals at bay for a few hours.
I am going to fail my drug test which will result in another violation.
If I don't go to jail tomorrow my parents actually is giving me a chance to move back in.
I am able to move in next Monday.
I plan on detoxing off the heroin which is going to be very crappy.
I only have until Thursday before I have to leave the hotel I'm staying at which will leave
me homeless until Monday. I have no friends or anything so I'm not sure where I'm going to sleep.
I am also running very low on my gabapentin which is scary because I'm going to withdrawal off of that.

I am praying that my PO will let me move back to Wilmington, which is about 2 1/2 hours away from here.
If not, I'm pretty much screwed.



Thank you again for everyone's advice and feedback.
Much love to you all.
 
*another* violation? You must have one lenient PO! When I was on paper they looked for ANY excuse to throw your ass back in jail ASAP

I don't understand the logic of not trying to detox yourself because it's too difficult to detox fent/dope...I mean, if you're going to be sent back to jail for pissing hot you're going to be involuntarily detoxed. In jail...not fun.
 
On spot testing or does it get sent out? Good luck... you'll get through it. Most most likely we won't be hearing from you for awhile bc if it's anything like NJ they'll be taking you in from probation. You'll get through and remember how it feels so you don't do this to yourself again. Time has a way of making us forget how bad something is. Hang in there. It will be OK
 
Damn man. Remember to keep hydrated during the withdrawal. Its not too late to go to the hospital though. Your getting violated either way. Personally I would rather kick in the phych ward then kick in jail. Good luck however it plays out.
 
If moving to Wilmington is an option consider making appointments with a psychiatrist and a psychologist to show the court you are taking steps to get into recovery. I can send you names and numbers of you need them. Hell,!schedule a consultation with WTC. They have a much better detox regime now than they used to. Anyway, the courts like to see people being proactive so maybe having somethings lined up down here may help. Also try to explain that Wilmington is a much better option as there are so many more recovery resources here and they participate in drug court which is more appropriate for your situation. Fingers crossed for you!
 
Hey w0w - I'm sending you good vibes and hope things worked out with probation. I hope you are in detox/hospital and not jail. But either one, please be safe.

- VE
 
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