I walked around the city with my friend high on heroin with her. Yeah, I know great job of me for going on another heroin binge. So my friend and I walked around the city and we kept doing heroin. Stopping in numerous bathrooms, doing a some bags and repeat. We walked across the city and as it turned dark I ended up near the bridge where I threw all my pain and tears into. I told my friend I needed to sit for a second because I wasn't feeling good. My stomach began to turn and I wasn't sure if it was because of the heroin or just my thought of you.
As I sat on the bench I looked across the street and saw myself standing at the bridge remembering the night I wrote a letter on the first anniversary of your death. I put the letter in a glass bottle and walked there with my mother. I threw the letter into the river and as I saw it traveling down the stream it felt like I was letting go of everything; my pain, the neverending tears and even you. I began to cry as my mother took me in her arms. The tears wouldn't stop and I finally felt as if I could move on. I would no longer dwell over your death, but live for myself and for you... remembering everything you did... and the happiness you brought me. So as I sat high on the bench I quickly realized that if being high is my definition of living then I'm clearly doing it wrong.
I then began to tell my friend about that night as we sat on the bench nodding on heroin. She asked how you died and I told her a heroin overdose. She really couldn't say a word but I didn't expect her to... how would she know what to say to that? It probably made her uneasy too because just like me she knows we shouldn't be on heroin. Hey, she just got out of detox not too long ago but went straight back to this demon... I fell back into this neverending cycle too. I wonder if we both will truly ever get clean or will this be the end of her... will it be the end of me?
I began to feel uneasy as we sat there so I told her I was ready to walk. I couldn't sit there because all I could think about is you. What you must think of me... I wonder if you're disappointed? As I did my last bags today and held the straw up my nose, snorting the last of my dope all I could think of was you. I even felt you over my back tonight. It felt like you were there... I could hear something telling me to stop and maybe it was you. I know seeing me do heroin must hurt you. I'm so sorry. I know if you were here you would have shook some sense into me.
How can I continue to do this? My mother told me if I continue to use dope then your death will be in vain. She is completly right. How can I do heroin after losing you to it? I know it numbs all the pain but one day I won't have to worry about numbing the pain because I will be laying in a casket... its so evident it will happen if I keep going at the rate I'm going and I don't want that. It scared me how my mom told me about the dream she just had and she was burying me. She told me she will not allow that to happen because if shit keeps going the way it is she's going to intervene.
Oh how I feel terrible for putting my mom through all this pain... I remember how horrible it was to have to worry about you all the time and not knowing if you were okay. I hate how now I am putting my own mother through this. She doesn't deserve this. I need to do better and I can. I need to do this for her and for you but most of all for myself. I just don't know how to stop for good. Its easy to "quit" but I always pick this habit back up. That isn't quitting... just a measly break.
All I know is it doesn't feel good to disappoint you, my mother or anyone for that matter. I love and miss you
I really wish you were here because you could help me get through anything... If only I could turn back the hands of time. If only but if only will never be.
As I sat on the bench I looked across the street and saw myself standing at the bridge remembering the night I wrote a letter on the first anniversary of your death. I put the letter in a glass bottle and walked there with my mother. I threw the letter into the river and as I saw it traveling down the stream it felt like I was letting go of everything; my pain, the neverending tears and even you. I began to cry as my mother took me in her arms. The tears wouldn't stop and I finally felt as if I could move on. I would no longer dwell over your death, but live for myself and for you... remembering everything you did... and the happiness you brought me. So as I sat high on the bench I quickly realized that if being high is my definition of living then I'm clearly doing it wrong.
I then began to tell my friend about that night as we sat on the bench nodding on heroin. She asked how you died and I told her a heroin overdose. She really couldn't say a word but I didn't expect her to... how would she know what to say to that? It probably made her uneasy too because just like me she knows we shouldn't be on heroin. Hey, she just got out of detox not too long ago but went straight back to this demon... I fell back into this neverending cycle too. I wonder if we both will truly ever get clean or will this be the end of her... will it be the end of me?
I began to feel uneasy as we sat there so I told her I was ready to walk. I couldn't sit there because all I could think about is you. What you must think of me... I wonder if you're disappointed? As I did my last bags today and held the straw up my nose, snorting the last of my dope all I could think of was you. I even felt you over my back tonight. It felt like you were there... I could hear something telling me to stop and maybe it was you. I know seeing me do heroin must hurt you. I'm so sorry. I know if you were here you would have shook some sense into me.
How can I continue to do this? My mother told me if I continue to use dope then your death will be in vain. She is completly right. How can I do heroin after losing you to it? I know it numbs all the pain but one day I won't have to worry about numbing the pain because I will be laying in a casket... its so evident it will happen if I keep going at the rate I'm going and I don't want that. It scared me how my mom told me about the dream she just had and she was burying me. She told me she will not allow that to happen because if shit keeps going the way it is she's going to intervene.
Oh how I feel terrible for putting my mom through all this pain... I remember how horrible it was to have to worry about you all the time and not knowing if you were okay. I hate how now I am putting my own mother through this. She doesn't deserve this. I need to do better and I can. I need to do this for her and for you but most of all for myself. I just don't know how to stop for good. Its easy to "quit" but I always pick this habit back up. That isn't quitting... just a measly break.
All I know is it doesn't feel good to disappoint you, my mother or anyone for that matter. I love and miss you
I really wish you were here because you could help me get through anything... If only I could turn back the hands of time. If only but if only will never be.
