I know that I'm not good enough

I stopped doing heroin. It was actually pretty easy. I just pay the methadone clinic 16 dollars a day and I never even have to thnk about heroin again. It's a shame there isn't something similar for depression. I went to this doctor who diagnosed me with PTSD and Depression. Then he dropped me as a patient for being on methadone and smoking weed. Thanks doc.

I need a job. But I can't work up the courage to go apply. I only leave the house to go to the clinic. I don't remember the last time I showered or brushed my teeth. I am a burden on my family. No it's worse than that I am an emberassment. The junky son forever caught in the cycle of unemployment. I would kill myself but I can't even afford a gun. I dun o what to do. I love my parents. I wish I would win the lottery so I could give the money to them so that they would be happy. That would make me happy.

I can't decide if killing myself would make them happy in the long term or not? I know they would be devastated in the short term. Maybe making it seem like an accident would help? I've thought about driving into a tree at high speed. But there's no guarantee I wouldn't live and become an even greater burden. I've thought about prison but they would probably insist on buying me an expensive lawyer. Plus that would only increase there shame and emberassment.

I wish I could hold a job and pay my own way but it seems unattainable. I have all these mental health diagnoses but the state I live in is shit for mental health care. They didn't even expand Medicaid like Obama care told them too so I still have to pay for my own insurance. Or rather my parents pay for my insurance. It's fucked man. They spend almost 7grand a year on me just in healthcare costs. Like I said I'm a burden.

So my thoughts drift back to the choice between high speed collision or gunshot wound. Decisions decisions.

 

CJ, don't get down on yourself to the point where you lose perspective. The biggest burden to your parents is neither financial nor embarrassment though it may look that way even to them sometimes. The burden to them is the same burden that you carry and that is that you are disconnected from your own hopefulness and happiness. I know that if you gave them a choice between poverty and your well-being they would choose poverty. Fortunately this is not really even relevant--no one is asking them to make that choice.

You were hurt very deeply when you were very young. It makes sense that you would feel lost and confused and afraid as a result of that as you move into your adult life more completely. I don't know what happened at your last job but if it had anything to do with your anxiety then you need to stop beating yourself up about it and recognize just what a huge influence this imbalance still has on your psyche. You are fighting it and that takes a lot of energy. Just the fact that you have continued to go to the clinic every day says a lot. Give yourself credit and keep looking for a decent therapist. You've got work to do and it isn't the kind that earns a paycheck but you are doing this work so that someday soon you can be independent. Be patient with yourself. And above all, give yourself kind thoughts as much as possible.

I have faith in you.

 

Thanks. I'm not really going to kill myself. I just needed to put the conversation that I have been having in my head down on paper so to speak. For some reason typing it out makes it real and helps me like evaluate its merits.

Your right and im trying not to lose perspective. It just breaks my heart when I see how hard my parents work. Getting up early as shit while I lay in bed and reddit all day. Every time I go to the doctor shelling out the 65 dollar co-pay so I can complain to this guy I don't even know. Then having to pay 250 a month for insurance. I just feel really bad about it all.

I really wish I didn't feel so defeated. I

 

Please remember that GETTING CLEAN is always the easy part... now find the strength & courage (it really does take a lot! GO TO MEETINGS, GET A SPONSOR....... WORKING THE STEPS WILL COME IN TIME... for now just GO TO A MEETING AND GET A TEMPORARY SPONSOR!)

For me, drugs werent my problem - my thinking was the problem. Drugs were a side effect - a symptom - of my underlying issues that I have begun to identify and work on!

STAY POSITIVE! The universe loves you and needs you.

 

I appreciate the advice bickoma but in my experience people on maintenance are not welcome at meetings in my area. I'm not going to go somewhere and have my choices judged like that. I have an appointment with a new counselor on Tuesday so hopefully that will work out.

 

I appreciate the advice bickoma but in my experience people on maintenance are not welcome at meetings in my area. I'm not going to go somewhere and have my choices judged like that. I have an appointment with a new counselor on Tuesday so hopefully that will work out.

The only requirement is a desire to stop using. Or go to an "Open" meeting, and keep your ears open... there's lots of wisdom to be gained at those meetings, even if you don't follow through and work the steps with a sponsor, I guarantee you get something out of them that will benefit you eternally.

 

hey crimson. I always thought you were an awesome dude. the world lacks awesome dudes. so plz don't kill yourself (or at least fantasize about killing yourself). my logic is superior!

take it from me, a downtrodden opiate addict. it seems like all of a sudden, 2 years ago, I landed a dream job and made $60k last year, and am looking at $100k this year. I was worst or just as has as you are. chances are, you are more intelligent than me. my point is keep your head up, stay as close to the right path as you can, and good things will finally come your way

I'm not bullshitting. take it from someone whom was there

 

I've missed seeing your posts as they have always been supportive and very, very real. Just to put things in perspective, that voice inside your head is a fucking liar. You've helped me personally get through some painful experiences. I hold a shit ton of value to that and won't ever forget. This moment, right here right now is temporary. The shitty part is that it seems like its been a lot of temporary unpleasant moments spanning a decent amount of time. There's another side to this mental mind fuck that you are going through right now. Getting to that other side is the painful part because the end point is never in our immediate view. Doesn't mean it isn't there, though. I was always told that we have no right to kick the shit out of ourselves but that's much easier said than done. cj, please don't forget that this painful part is still just temporary. A long term type pof temporary but this is definitely not your new normal

 

Hang in there and do your best. No one, not ever your parents, can fault you as long as you keep trying. Eventually you will find a way out of this rut. You'll find a job you like, a hobby, school, meet somebody, travel, or who knows, but it should happen. Maybe even on its own. Keep us posted regularly.

 

You are all beautiful people. Thank you so much for the kind words! It's a daily struggle and some days are better than others but I think I will survive.