ihaveabong
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Sep 11, 2014
- Messages
- 19
Hey, I'm ihaveabong, I have a few things to share with y'all to see if y'all could shine any (blue)light on my drug use.
I want to know if this is normal for a drug user? Am i doing anything you guys arent?
I know I could of died a few times, I know i've acted stupid but isn't all this pretty standard risks for the average drug user?
Many people are much worse off than me due to addiction but I just wanna know how far down the road I am.
I am unsure of the damage have I have caused throughout my drug taking career. At time I have been very safe, used scales that measures to the mg quite accurately, always researched doses, yet as others have I have over time or due to intoxication and being a stupid careless idiot taken doses well beyond what is deemed a hero dose. *THIS IS NOT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF, ITS A WASTE OF GOOD DRUGS AND GOOD BRAINCELLS.
So out of pure curiosity since the age of about 14-16 I ended up trying almost every mainstream drug (except PCP) and trying loads of research chemicals (including some really rare tryptamines and 3 meo pcp etc.). I have noticed some mental deterioration throughout these experiments and disasters, e.g. anxiety (feeling like i cant leave the house, hyper ventilating, unable to do things without other people, unable to come up with conversation as i am convinced i am uninteresting - not many people will read past the first few lines of this post for example), I have had many many delusions and hallucinations due to either not sleeping or taking too many drugs, also in last two years these have happened without any cause - perhaps i fucked up something in my head i don't know.
Last year I was deemed Psychotic and put on Seroquel, an antipsychotic, around this time i had been consuming large amounts of nitrous oxide, like rarely coming up for breath, going through maybe 200 or so canisters a day easily for weeks at a time. I started keeping notebooks to keep track of my thoughts as my memory didnt exist much and in retrospect when reading them it looked like i believed i was several people communicating to each other throughout my notebook. Id end up getting delusions causing me to empty all of the rubbish in a bin bag onto the floor after my girlfriend had just cleaned up the room with me insisting everything i had seen all that day was inside there and that she was stealing my stuff. I also had hallucinations when the nitrous wasnt even in effect, for example, i walked into the kitchen where my grandad was stood, i walked up to the bin, picked up a cereal box, ripped of a big chunk and just started munching it down, apparently i thought it was lsd, apparently i didnt even need any lsd. Like i accept if i get high shit will happen but its odd when it happens inbetween drug use and you just enter somewhat of a trance. the delusions e in my eyes caused by excessive nitrous use so i stopped taking the seroquel after a few months because it was making me fat, apathetic, i was probably perscribed it wrongly and i felt less anxious about people. I do believe most of my mental health issues to be caused by research chemicals such as amt which i have taken at doses of 700mg+ which really should of killed me, very horrible body load, loads of throwing up, not as safe as lsd at all people have died of these doses. I also have taken 2 vials of lsd in a night, much of it injected im, definately increased my anxiety causing me to always think about how everyone in a room is percieving a situation, knowing i cant know, knowing they expect things of me, judge me, probably dont even think about me at all, are all focused to much on themselves, they cant know, they might not know they dont know, i dont know if i want to know what they know etc. just that bullshit that either makes me lock eye contact to much or too little, and makes me have to do fake smiles because its what they want, bah its crazy, it can make sitting having a joint, as i do 24-7, so so stressful just because other people want to be around you but you feel like you have to act in a way you can never understand in order to be accepted.
So, I pretty much consistantly have visual interference - ever since i was 12 and overdosed on zopiclone tablets my mother gave me i stated seeing like a static overlay, this has got worse as i got older, im now 20, it increases in a pleasurable way when i play my guitar, ukelele, banjo, piano or drums, but it tends to be things like low dose ketamine when it looks like the edges of things are drifting when i zone out but to a lesser extent than ketamine. I am unsure if its wise for me to drive in future but due to constant exposure to this visually and that it only happens when im not focusing entirely or under extreme stress, im unsure though because with driving when you look into the distance it may be like "zoning out to zone in" like you have to do when playing a game like guitar hero or any rhythm game, although i experience the effect it doesnt impair me. I can deal with the visual stuff as long as it doesnt continue to increase.
My main worry is that I won't ever be who I "could of been" now?
I was very intelligent, never had to try very hard to get perfect grades, could miss months of education and not fall behind a speck. Like i really kept my brain active, i exersized it as a muscle and it worked, age 5 I could do algerbra fine, i used to have really good English skills that we're automatic but since using drugs I have started missing out words in what im saying, not using plurals or using them for singular items and refering to myself in 3rd person without realising it eg. "jimmys one happy jimmy today, went to computer shop they had loads of computer so i boughts some
" Jimmy taking the place of my name.
i guess i might just feel stupid because i act stupid, i can go back to talking like regular people but it takes a concious effort. I dont know why i started talking like this nobody else does. I also talk too quiet, like ill hear it really loud cos my voice is so loud in my head, but to other people im mumbling it upsets me.
When i stay up to long i start thinking people can hear my thoughts, like im saying them outloud and i just dont know, like doubting my actions, a bit like when im tripping and think when im sat on the toilet or something "wut if im just tripping and just walked into the front room sat on the couch and started having a shit - people would think im crazy - surely someone would stop me "- ughh- andofc/ luckily its never happening like that XD
This comes back all the time, even now i have doubts, i get to the point im screaming insults to people in my head, saying horrible things that would require them to speak to me out of anger or being upset etc. or repeating words in my head to try and block out all my thoughts so they cant hear anything or to tru to distort what they do hear so they cant understand it, if i can barely understand it and it in my head and they already have their voice in there head it will be too much for them i hope, unless im dumber or mentally impaired - my iq was tested at 132 at 15-16 whenever i got it done - i am unsure now but i think i should see.
I have taken regular doses of most psychedelics but i always loved large doses, regardless of how anxious or repentant of my life choices they made me, i felt they helped me utilize the moral compass the child me had carefully crafted for me, the child me being a moral genious who i always look back to for advice because he knows respect for himself and other people
I always want to make other people happy and help them, i used to have issues with violence as a child but i was an angry kid, my mom was heroin addict and didnt want me and ditched me, my dad abandoned me said i wasnt his, my sister was molested in care, her dad beat me as a baby until i was put into social services after being found with a broken jaw and my eye vessels burst so where its ment to be white looked blood red. Apparently it was my sisters dad, that cant be proved, the eye injury was apparently my mom trying to hit him when he was holding me to "get me back and to safety" my moms crazy and not to be trusted though, she tried to change her name to her moms name and steal her partner once, she ditched me and my sister and we both landed in lives that were bad for us, my sister much worse so and i had to grow up knowing that. i planned to kill the pedophile throughout all my youth, in adulthood after my psychedelic use and inner reflection i saw nothing to gain from that apart from potentially protecting another child, alas i tried to stay at distance in life, not get close to anyone, i knew i would have to abandon this life to serve some kindof twisted justice. ideally i would of shoved a hose pipe up his ass, put barbed wire up it, then removed the hose pipe leavingthe barbed wire inside, id leave him with the job of removing it and tattoo what he is on his forehead if it was legal do so quite happily but i wanted him dead, which actually is less suffering.
I even came up with the perfect plan, i wouldnt be posting it on here if i ever intended to use it, infact it partly helps to ensure i dont as it is evidence against me but like i said i have a life and i fell in love not just once but twice, i cant leave my life now, and non of thats a mistake i say that but i do get suicidal, there is a chance i wont be here long but i dont thnk that matters. my plan to get him was this. Whens the best day to kill a pedophile (use this one if you like), simple, halloween. My issue was he had family, i didnt want to hurt them at all, not even to get to him, if i knocked on the door he needed to answer then id puta quick bullet in his head, on halloween he'd definately answer the door cos theirs kids at the door. oh and i could walk aroundwith a mask, costume, gloves without suspicion. even walking around with a non concealed weapon would perhaps not raise flags. - i mention all this to show i might have shown some instability at younger ages also before my drug use - i also remember like thinking parents could read the minds of their children because they are related to them and its just how it works, this might be a normal thought at that age though.
I have taken too much of many substances - 5- meo-mipt - went through a few hundred doses in a week, lsd 2 vials (200 hits), xanax- i ended up in hospital after been found on a road trying to get hit by a car by lying down on the floor, id been destroying cars etc before that damn felony pills. id been just popping them like candy all day, i had the little football ones, im not sure if those are 0.25, 0.5 or 1mg now but like i was taking 4 at a time every 15-30 mins for a couple hours then much faster and with alcohol. i ended up with a couple ounces of meth once and i thought my life was over, i knew i couldnt live through this i just had to much, i was gonna be dead or in prison, i ended up flushing thousands of pounds of this stuff because i wanted to live instead. it still makes me cringe to think how much money and awesome i missed but im sure i missed a bullet too, i did end up taking it for about 7 months or a year though, i ended up learning banjo and then transitioned to guitar which i hadnt played much in years it was awesome, its upsetting that i cant get the confidence or motivation i had musically when im sober but im glad i nolonger get constant strain issues in my tendons or get rigid in my playing due to amphetamines tensing me up, also that i know when i hearsomething its exactly as good or bad as i think it is, on amphetamines theres a lot of potential to inflate your ego well past your skills or to practise one thing excessively very good but neglect other things, it was music that eventually led me to stop meth, every tendon i had hurt, even ones in my neck, i was getting blood clots and i worried one day on would be in my heart etc. i also started getting urinary tract infections, skin problems i never had like scaley nasty- i dunno if it was the meth or the cut or both but my immune system was fucked and im sure my body was under far too much stress. I couldnt extend my legs fully at one point, i had to relearn how to walk.
After the meth i felt i had shrunk down to a stupid thin size, at first i had enjoyed the weight loss from the meth as i felt the seroquel had left me fat and ugly but the muscle atrophy along with the fat loss sucked, 16 year old me would beat the shit out of 20 year old me. 17 year old me took steroids too early and was probably the start of my issues (i possibly have body dysmorphia - i can see a fat me with these boobs he shouldnt have then have a few days not eating and see a skinny wrec like addict person- i eat a big meal then ive put on more weight on the boobs butnon on stomache etc. then other pepple who ive never met get surpised i take drugs at all and think i look normal - it so stressful because i get stronger sometimes from excersize then i waste it by letting myself waste away, sometimes i take steroids, face the side effects and slow steady gains then i lose all gains due to food issues and body issues but ofc the side effects are here to stay (or im imagining them!) so now im off steroids again back to being tiny, doing some excersize on my arms but never walking orstanding up at all so i get leg injuries from just stairs and the excersize i do do makes me smaller because i dont eat enough to handle it. either this or im fat and potentially have boobs from steroids, or are thin and have boobs from steroids. also im not sure if theirs boobs or if its normal.
Needless to say I need to stop taking drugs, especially steroids, they send me back into a spiral of other drug taking. Recently i have been taking heroin and injecting it, i only take it 2 days in a row then stop a day or two - sometimes a week or more. i go through about 500mg on an average day of taking. i still throw up when i take too much like when i buy a g, a 0.2 will get me goingbut leave me wanting more. i get depressed in the times off but i guess this is normal, i have notices slight PAWSish symptoms - specially when ive went 4 days in a row just trying to sneak in an extra one. Ive had a real opiate withdrawl before from long term painkillers and then heroin for about a week following the cessasion of the pills.
What i want to know is what kind of damage have i done, obviously there'll be some but i want to know what things i need to learn to cope with and what can be changed just by a bit of positive thinking, like i realise my memory may very well be worse but will probably start to slowly improve, what have your experiences been to the longterm effects of different drugs been? which symptoms were only short term?
Will i ever feel unanxious again? Will my creativity and abstract thinking return ( they haven't gone but they have decreased )
Ive had friends who never got normal again after trips we had.
One thinks the answer to everything is time, time is the answer to everything. - he just spins around and around saying that in a worrying way moving his thumb and fingers together in a rubbing motion
One came to the belief that i had killed him, he almost went to police claiming i had killed him, wont go near me now, constantly thinks people are drugging him or gets sketchy now
One i found with his head in a freezer when tripping and he said he'd been wondering if his head would fit in a freezer, he'd been sat there with his head in a freezer for 30 whole minutes wondering if his head fit in a freezer. We were tripping with his mom so i offered her a sneaky bomb
The first one of these was an AMT issue, second 2-cb, 3rd AMT again.
On LSD i saw a friend have a seizure, this LSD had been tested pure as lsd, i am unsure if it was adultrated with another psych however but i have no reason to believe so as we laid the blotter from our own liquid, he had 2 tabs as i did also but when i left the room i started hearing this horrible noise like it wasnt just he was having aseizure but he didnt seem to be able to breath, like it was clickng and air ways were somehow blocked, he'd just took some mda like 5 seconds before so i assumed it wasnt that that quickly but i shouted for help, said to call an ambulance because his health ismore important than police issues etc. the sound he was making sounds like the desription of the death rattle, ididnt realise this at the time but after reading about it since, this worrys me a lot. i went to make myself throw up incase the mda was to blame and to get whatever was in my system that i could get out out, i needed to be able to help him, my family were with him and insisted on not calling an ambulance. in the end he was fine but they didnt take it seriously enough with the sound he was making. they seemed to worried about me getting in trouble with the police and i hadnt tested the lsd before we'd dosed then so it could of been anything (stupid i know).
Turns out my buddy hadnt slept in 3 days before dosing so really shouldnt of dosed and was also taking mirtazipine which has been known to cause issues similar when people take shrooms - thats happened to me before but without the breathigcracking out like that. SO BEWARE OF DRUG INTERACTIONS AND SLEEP DEPRIVATION - THESE THINGS CAN MAKE EVEN RELITIVELY SAFE DRUGS LIKE LSD REALLY FUCKING DANGEROUS.
I dont know how in control of my drug use i am anymore, i seem to be using compulsively, and becoming more impulsive about purchasing. i alternate what i do.
16 - weed and amphetamines - some pills occassionally
17 - g's and g's of md 100s of pills - no amphetamines at all , some amt - either tried lsd late this year or got some 25i misold as lsd and tried lsd next year
start steroids between these ages - do them 1 time at 17 , twice in a row with a break inbetween at 20
18 - LSD like all the time, in huge huge doses shrooms in huge doses (i had 2 oz of cubes once and they lasted about 3 different trips, 14g being my biggest personal dose mixed with some mxe (i wish it was k, mxe fucked up the trip tbh- not the 14g trip i wanted but i kept me from movingiguess, meth, loads of research psychs, tried heroin first time didnt touch again - tried crack and hated it - tried ketamine 3-5 times. finding silkroad really fucked me up XD
19 - meth meth meth meth meth :D eventually it fucked up my body and couldntmove and lookeda zombie , also heroin, weekends or every two weeks, just when i had spare cash like, not an issue? > or was this the beginning
could i of just stopped ? i dont know probably but probably not if i had to ask myself that yget me, still taking lsd and stuff but much more rarely. loads of ketamine by half way through year, swapped the ketamineout for heroin because i was ended up kholes on floors or gettin injuries too much - steroids started again just after 20th bday
20 - heroin, i quit meth, couple days between each heroin use- graduated up to needles, i did this once before for a period of time at 18,i ended up with a needle fixationquickly then and again now, i inject water and my veins aregetting fucked canteven find that little red rose most the time now, it sucks.
So yeah. I have floated about between a lot of stuff, haven't bother mentioning a lot of it either, like times when ive aquired something that isnt my doc at the time like the 2oz of cocaine i had for personal use and took all of it I should look so much iller or worn down by all these drugs but im sure the damage is on the inside and just needs to catch up to me, like my nose going from having 2 nostrils to being 1 nostril seems like its getting closer, its getting very thin on the septum. My biggest worry is that i havent looked at how much drugs ive been taking right . eg. id look at how often i take ketamine and decide its fine cos its only a few g every few months, alas i rarely take ketamine but i do take other things a lot, maybe i need to look at my drug use as a whole because something can be the straw that broke the donkeys back.I think if i made a spreadsheet and some graphs to document mydrug use accurately when i was 16-now i would be terrified by how much drugs i have taken, in one year at 18 i spent over 20 grand on drugs, 5-6 on maijuana and the rest on other drugs. a terrifying figure - alhough i have recovered a lot since i was 18 (which was me at my worst) i worry im slipping back into that this year) might be time to start that graph, i know heroin> meth was safer in the longrun but i wish i wasnt on either,(ordoi?)
So how have drugs fucked you up, how long did the side effects/long term effects last, how long till the short term effects passed and how much of a role does your head state play in all of this?
SORRY FOR THE GREAT WALL OF TEXT GUYS, I REALISE NEXT TO NOBODY IS GOING TO READ IT, i've already accepted I need to help myself, ain't nobody gonna be there for me, I know this it's life. If anyone does actually reply having even read enough to get the gist i thank you so much you amazing wonderful person, you care enough about other people to come here to the darkside to help me with my issues, kindness like this saves lives and for it to be given by one stranger to another stranger shows a certain kind of genuine generosity, love and respect for others (y) i want to see the best in the world because ive seen so much bad (maybe because of perspective and cos i was looking for it, perhaps because life offers us a surplus of bad>good). Thanks bluelighter's i wish you all safe travels from a caring idiot who cares not if he lives or dies
I want to know if this is normal for a drug user? Am i doing anything you guys arent?
I know I could of died a few times, I know i've acted stupid but isn't all this pretty standard risks for the average drug user?
Many people are much worse off than me due to addiction but I just wanna know how far down the road I am.
I am unsure of the damage have I have caused throughout my drug taking career. At time I have been very safe, used scales that measures to the mg quite accurately, always researched doses, yet as others have I have over time or due to intoxication and being a stupid careless idiot taken doses well beyond what is deemed a hero dose. *THIS IS NOT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF, ITS A WASTE OF GOOD DRUGS AND GOOD BRAINCELLS.
So out of pure curiosity since the age of about 14-16 I ended up trying almost every mainstream drug (except PCP) and trying loads of research chemicals (including some really rare tryptamines and 3 meo pcp etc.). I have noticed some mental deterioration throughout these experiments and disasters, e.g. anxiety (feeling like i cant leave the house, hyper ventilating, unable to do things without other people, unable to come up with conversation as i am convinced i am uninteresting - not many people will read past the first few lines of this post for example), I have had many many delusions and hallucinations due to either not sleeping or taking too many drugs, also in last two years these have happened without any cause - perhaps i fucked up something in my head i don't know.
Last year I was deemed Psychotic and put on Seroquel, an antipsychotic, around this time i had been consuming large amounts of nitrous oxide, like rarely coming up for breath, going through maybe 200 or so canisters a day easily for weeks at a time. I started keeping notebooks to keep track of my thoughts as my memory didnt exist much and in retrospect when reading them it looked like i believed i was several people communicating to each other throughout my notebook. Id end up getting delusions causing me to empty all of the rubbish in a bin bag onto the floor after my girlfriend had just cleaned up the room with me insisting everything i had seen all that day was inside there and that she was stealing my stuff. I also had hallucinations when the nitrous wasnt even in effect, for example, i walked into the kitchen where my grandad was stood, i walked up to the bin, picked up a cereal box, ripped of a big chunk and just started munching it down, apparently i thought it was lsd, apparently i didnt even need any lsd. Like i accept if i get high shit will happen but its odd when it happens inbetween drug use and you just enter somewhat of a trance. the delusions e in my eyes caused by excessive nitrous use so i stopped taking the seroquel after a few months because it was making me fat, apathetic, i was probably perscribed it wrongly and i felt less anxious about people. I do believe most of my mental health issues to be caused by research chemicals such as amt which i have taken at doses of 700mg+ which really should of killed me, very horrible body load, loads of throwing up, not as safe as lsd at all people have died of these doses. I also have taken 2 vials of lsd in a night, much of it injected im, definately increased my anxiety causing me to always think about how everyone in a room is percieving a situation, knowing i cant know, knowing they expect things of me, judge me, probably dont even think about me at all, are all focused to much on themselves, they cant know, they might not know they dont know, i dont know if i want to know what they know etc. just that bullshit that either makes me lock eye contact to much or too little, and makes me have to do fake smiles because its what they want, bah its crazy, it can make sitting having a joint, as i do 24-7, so so stressful just because other people want to be around you but you feel like you have to act in a way you can never understand in order to be accepted.
So, I pretty much consistantly have visual interference - ever since i was 12 and overdosed on zopiclone tablets my mother gave me i stated seeing like a static overlay, this has got worse as i got older, im now 20, it increases in a pleasurable way when i play my guitar, ukelele, banjo, piano or drums, but it tends to be things like low dose ketamine when it looks like the edges of things are drifting when i zone out but to a lesser extent than ketamine. I am unsure if its wise for me to drive in future but due to constant exposure to this visually and that it only happens when im not focusing entirely or under extreme stress, im unsure though because with driving when you look into the distance it may be like "zoning out to zone in" like you have to do when playing a game like guitar hero or any rhythm game, although i experience the effect it doesnt impair me. I can deal with the visual stuff as long as it doesnt continue to increase.
My main worry is that I won't ever be who I "could of been" now?
I was very intelligent, never had to try very hard to get perfect grades, could miss months of education and not fall behind a speck. Like i really kept my brain active, i exersized it as a muscle and it worked, age 5 I could do algerbra fine, i used to have really good English skills that we're automatic but since using drugs I have started missing out words in what im saying, not using plurals or using them for singular items and refering to myself in 3rd person without realising it eg. "jimmys one happy jimmy today, went to computer shop they had loads of computer so i boughts some
" Jimmy taking the place of my name.i guess i might just feel stupid because i act stupid, i can go back to talking like regular people but it takes a concious effort. I dont know why i started talking like this nobody else does. I also talk too quiet, like ill hear it really loud cos my voice is so loud in my head, but to other people im mumbling it upsets me.
When i stay up to long i start thinking people can hear my thoughts, like im saying them outloud and i just dont know, like doubting my actions, a bit like when im tripping and think when im sat on the toilet or something "wut if im just tripping and just walked into the front room sat on the couch and started having a shit - people would think im crazy - surely someone would stop me "- ughh- andofc/ luckily its never happening like that XD
This comes back all the time, even now i have doubts, i get to the point im screaming insults to people in my head, saying horrible things that would require them to speak to me out of anger or being upset etc. or repeating words in my head to try and block out all my thoughts so they cant hear anything or to tru to distort what they do hear so they cant understand it, if i can barely understand it and it in my head and they already have their voice in there head it will be too much for them i hope, unless im dumber or mentally impaired - my iq was tested at 132 at 15-16 whenever i got it done - i am unsure now but i think i should see.
I have taken regular doses of most psychedelics but i always loved large doses, regardless of how anxious or repentant of my life choices they made me, i felt they helped me utilize the moral compass the child me had carefully crafted for me, the child me being a moral genious who i always look back to for advice because he knows respect for himself and other people
I always want to make other people happy and help them, i used to have issues with violence as a child but i was an angry kid, my mom was heroin addict and didnt want me and ditched me, my dad abandoned me said i wasnt his, my sister was molested in care, her dad beat me as a baby until i was put into social services after being found with a broken jaw and my eye vessels burst so where its ment to be white looked blood red. Apparently it was my sisters dad, that cant be proved, the eye injury was apparently my mom trying to hit him when he was holding me to "get me back and to safety" my moms crazy and not to be trusted though, she tried to change her name to her moms name and steal her partner once, she ditched me and my sister and we both landed in lives that were bad for us, my sister much worse so and i had to grow up knowing that. i planned to kill the pedophile throughout all my youth, in adulthood after my psychedelic use and inner reflection i saw nothing to gain from that apart from potentially protecting another child, alas i tried to stay at distance in life, not get close to anyone, i knew i would have to abandon this life to serve some kindof twisted justice. ideally i would of shoved a hose pipe up his ass, put barbed wire up it, then removed the hose pipe leavingthe barbed wire inside, id leave him with the job of removing it and tattoo what he is on his forehead if it was legal do so quite happily but i wanted him dead, which actually is less suffering.I even came up with the perfect plan, i wouldnt be posting it on here if i ever intended to use it, infact it partly helps to ensure i dont as it is evidence against me but like i said i have a life and i fell in love not just once but twice, i cant leave my life now, and non of thats a mistake
i say that but i do get suicidal, there is a chance i wont be here long but i dont thnk that matters. my plan to get him was this. Whens the best day to kill a pedophile (use this one if you like), simple, halloween. My issue was he had family, i didnt want to hurt them at all, not even to get to him, if i knocked on the door he needed to answer then id puta quick bullet in his head, on halloween he'd definately answer the door cos theirs kids at the door. oh and i could walk aroundwith a mask, costume, gloves without suspicion. even walking around with a non concealed weapon would perhaps not raise flags. - i mention all this to show i might have shown some instability at younger ages also before my drug use - i also remember like thinking parents could read the minds of their children because they are related to them and its just how it works, this might be a normal thought at that age though.I have taken too much of many substances - 5- meo-mipt - went through a few hundred doses in a week, lsd 2 vials (200 hits), xanax- i ended up in hospital after been found on a road trying to get hit by a car by lying down on the floor, id been destroying cars etc before that damn felony pills. id been just popping them like candy all day, i had the little football ones, im not sure if those are 0.25, 0.5 or 1mg now but like i was taking 4 at a time every 15-30 mins for a couple hours then much faster and with alcohol. i ended up with a couple ounces of meth once and i thought my life was over, i knew i couldnt live through this i just had to much, i was gonna be dead or in prison, i ended up flushing thousands of pounds of this stuff because i wanted to live instead. it still makes me cringe to think how much money and awesome i missed but im sure i missed a bullet too, i did end up taking it for about 7 months or a year though, i ended up learning banjo and then transitioned to guitar which i hadnt played much in years it was awesome, its upsetting that i cant get the confidence or motivation i had musically when im sober but im glad i nolonger get constant strain issues in my tendons or get rigid in my playing due to amphetamines tensing me up, also that i know when i hearsomething its exactly as good or bad as i think it is, on amphetamines theres a lot of potential to inflate your ego well past your skills or to practise one thing excessively very good but neglect other things, it was music that eventually led me to stop meth, every tendon i had hurt, even ones in my neck, i was getting blood clots and i worried one day on would be in my heart etc. i also started getting urinary tract infections, skin problems i never had like scaley nasty- i dunno if it was the meth or the cut or both but my immune system was fucked and im sure my body was under far too much stress. I couldnt extend my legs fully at one point, i had to relearn how to walk.
After the meth i felt i had shrunk down to a stupid thin size, at first i had enjoyed the weight loss from the meth as i felt the seroquel had left me fat and ugly but the muscle atrophy along with the fat loss sucked, 16 year old me would beat the shit out of 20 year old me. 17 year old me took steroids too early and was probably the start of my issues (i possibly have body dysmorphia - i can see a fat me with these boobs he shouldnt have then have a few days not eating and see a skinny wrec like addict person- i eat a big meal then ive put on more weight on the boobs butnon on stomache etc. then other pepple who ive never met get surpised i take drugs at all and think i look normal - it so stressful because i get stronger sometimes from excersize then i waste it by letting myself waste away, sometimes i take steroids, face the side effects and slow steady gains then i lose all gains due to food issues and body issues but ofc the side effects are here to stay (or im imagining them!) so now im off steroids again back to being tiny, doing some excersize on my arms but never walking orstanding up at all so i get leg injuries from just stairs and the excersize i do do makes me smaller because i dont eat enough to handle it. either this or im fat and potentially have boobs from steroids, or are thin and have boobs from steroids. also im not sure if theirs boobs or if its normal.
Needless to say I need to stop taking drugs, especially steroids, they send me back into a spiral of other drug taking. Recently i have been taking heroin and injecting it, i only take it 2 days in a row then stop a day or two - sometimes a week or more. i go through about 500mg on an average day of taking. i still throw up when i take too much like when i buy a g, a 0.2 will get me goingbut leave me wanting more. i get depressed in the times off but i guess this is normal, i have notices slight PAWSish symptoms - specially when ive went 4 days in a row just trying to sneak in an extra one. Ive had a real opiate withdrawl before from long term painkillers and then heroin for about a week following the cessasion of the pills.
What i want to know is what kind of damage have i done, obviously there'll be some but i want to know what things i need to learn to cope with and what can be changed just by a bit of positive thinking, like i realise my memory may very well be worse but will probably start to slowly improve, what have your experiences been to the longterm effects of different drugs been? which symptoms were only short term?
Will i ever feel unanxious again? Will my creativity and abstract thinking return ( they haven't gone but they have decreased )
Ive had friends who never got normal again after trips we had.
One thinks the answer to everything is time, time is the answer to everything. - he just spins around and around saying that in a worrying way moving his thumb and fingers together in a rubbing motion
One came to the belief that i had killed him, he almost went to police claiming i had killed him, wont go near me now, constantly thinks people are drugging him or gets sketchy now
One i found with his head in a freezer when tripping and he said he'd been wondering if his head would fit in a freezer, he'd been sat there with his head in a freezer for 30 whole minutes wondering if his head fit in a freezer. We were tripping with his mom so i offered her a sneaky bomb
The first one of these was an AMT issue, second 2-cb, 3rd AMT again.
On LSD i saw a friend have a seizure, this LSD had been tested pure as lsd, i am unsure if it was adultrated with another psych however but i have no reason to believe so as we laid the blotter from our own liquid, he had 2 tabs as i did also but when i left the room i started hearing this horrible noise like it wasnt just he was having aseizure but he didnt seem to be able to breath, like it was clickng and air ways were somehow blocked, he'd just took some mda like 5 seconds before so i assumed it wasnt that that quickly but i shouted for help, said to call an ambulance because his health ismore important than police issues etc. the sound he was making sounds like the desription of the death rattle, ididnt realise this at the time but after reading about it since, this worrys me a lot. i went to make myself throw up incase the mda was to blame and to get whatever was in my system that i could get out out, i needed to be able to help him, my family were with him and insisted on not calling an ambulance. in the end he was fine but they didnt take it seriously enough with the sound he was making. they seemed to worried about me getting in trouble with the police and i hadnt tested the lsd before we'd dosed then so it could of been anything (stupid i know).
Turns out my buddy hadnt slept in 3 days before dosing so really shouldnt of dosed and was also taking mirtazipine which has been known to cause issues similar when people take shrooms - thats happened to me before but without the breathigcracking out like that. SO BEWARE OF DRUG INTERACTIONS AND SLEEP DEPRIVATION - THESE THINGS CAN MAKE EVEN RELITIVELY SAFE DRUGS LIKE LSD REALLY FUCKING DANGEROUS.
I dont know how in control of my drug use i am anymore, i seem to be using compulsively, and becoming more impulsive about purchasing. i alternate what i do.
16 - weed and amphetamines - some pills occassionally
17 - g's and g's of md 100s of pills - no amphetamines at all , some amt - either tried lsd late this year or got some 25i misold as lsd and tried lsd next year
start steroids between these ages - do them 1 time at 17 , twice in a row with a break inbetween at 20
18 - LSD like all the time, in huge huge doses shrooms in huge doses (i had 2 oz of cubes once and they lasted about 3 different trips, 14g being my biggest personal dose mixed with some mxe (i wish it was k, mxe fucked up the trip tbh- not the 14g trip i wanted but i kept me from movingiguess, meth, loads of research psychs, tried heroin first time didnt touch again - tried crack and hated it - tried ketamine 3-5 times. finding silkroad really fucked me up XD
19 - meth meth meth meth meth :D eventually it fucked up my body and couldntmove and lookeda zombie , also heroin, weekends or every two weeks, just when i had spare cash like, not an issue? > or was this the beginning
could i of just stopped ? i dont know probably but probably not if i had to ask myself that yget me, still taking lsd and stuff but much more rarely. loads of ketamine by half way through year, swapped the ketamineout for heroin because i was ended up kholes on floors or gettin injuries too much - steroids started again just after 20th bday 20 - heroin, i quit meth, couple days between each heroin use- graduated up to needles, i did this once before for a period of time at 18,i ended up with a needle fixationquickly then and again now, i inject water and my veins aregetting fucked canteven find that little red rose most the time now, it sucks.
So yeah. I have floated about between a lot of stuff, haven't bother mentioning a lot of it either, like times when ive aquired something that isnt my doc at the time like the 2oz of cocaine i had for personal use and took all of it
I should look so much iller or worn down by all these drugs but im sure the damage is on the inside and just needs to catch up to me, like my nose going from having 2 nostrils to being 1 nostril seems like its getting closer, its getting very thin on the septum. My biggest worry is that i havent looked at how much drugs ive been taking right . eg. id look at how often i take ketamine and decide its fine cos its only a few g every few months, alas i rarely take ketamine but i do take other things a lot, maybe i need to look at my drug use as a whole because something can be the straw that broke the donkeys back.I think if i made a spreadsheet and some graphs to document mydrug use accurately when i was 16-now i would be terrified by how much drugs i have taken, in one year at 18 i spent over 20 grand on drugs, 5-6 on maijuana and the rest on other drugs. a terrifying figure - alhough i have recovered a lot since i was 18 (which was me at my worst) i worry im slipping back into that this year) might be time to start that graph, i know heroin> meth was safer in the longrun but i wish i wasnt on either,(ordoi?)So how have drugs fucked you up, how long did the side effects/long term effects last, how long till the short term effects passed and how much of a role does your head state play in all of this?
SORRY FOR THE GREAT WALL OF TEXT GUYS, I REALISE NEXT TO NOBODY IS GOING TO READ IT, i've already accepted I need to help myself, ain't nobody gonna be there for me, I know this it's life. If anyone does actually reply having even read enough to get the gist i thank you so much you amazing wonderful person, you care enough about other people to come here to the darkside to help me with my issues, kindness like this saves lives and for it to be given by one stranger to another stranger shows a certain kind of genuine generosity, love and respect for others (y) i want to see the best in the world because ive seen so much bad (maybe because of perspective and cos i was looking for it, perhaps because life offers us a surplus of bad>good). Thanks bluelighter's i wish you all safe travels
from a caring idiot who cares not if he lives or dies
