I made the mistake of trawling through old user names that my ex and I both used. Trying to make some sense of the mess in my head. I knew I'd regret doing it... this is what I found:
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/400708-Sharlot-(and-the-rogues)?p=6483046#post6483046
I know for sure that this was one of his pseudonyms after the last time "us" finished. Perhaps it's egotistical to think this... but given the time frame and the subject matter... I think this one was about me. As I said in a previous entry he was convinced I'd cheated on him with someone that I had never met.
I can't even begin to describe the wound that has been ripped open by reading that.
I know he'll never read this so I'll give you the truth. I never cheated on him. The guy that he accused me of cheating on him with lived near Manchester and has a fiancee and a teenage son. The irony is I bumped into him at a festival a year after it all ended with my ex and while I got on well with him, there was nothing there. Purely friends. I'm actually shaking as I write this. It's like all the hurt and the pain from all those years ago has come out again. It's like I'm bleeding tears.
What stopped things from working was not the fact that I cheated, because I didn't. It was his lack of faith in me and his own insecurity. Don't get me wrong, I was terrible to him through my own insecurity. I was a jealous and paranoid lover. I treated him badly but only because I wanted to keep him. I couldn't give him space and I found it hard to trust him because I didn't think I was good enough for him. He tried so hard. I tried so hard. But we both failed.
I loved him then. Right down to his bones. I love him now. If he were to find me again in this crazy fucked up world I would give anything to have one more day and night in his company.
I don't ever feel like there was proper closure. There was no real goodbye. There were just vicious words and arguments. When I met him outside a pub a few years later I just wanted to take him home with me and fill my soul with his presence. I've never loved anyone like I loved him then and I will never love anyone that way ever again.
It's been such a long few years trying to get over this whole thing and I don't think I'm ever going to get there. I still tremble at the thought of him. I can't get close to anyone without pushing them away again. Sometimes things happen and I want to talk to him because he's the only person that would have understood.
I used to text him song lyrics about how I was feeling. He used to always get it. I tried it a year or two ago after seeing him. He didn't get it. Maybe he wouldn't understand now. I don't know. I feel trapped in a past that I can't escape from and it's slowly devouring me from the inside, out.
These last few days have been especially hard. I don't know why. Three years have passed, why am I not ok? Why does this continue to burn inside of me?
He'd be so angry if he read this. I'm almost scared that he'll somehow find his way back on BL and see this. But I need to get this out. I need to put it somewhere that nobody who knows me will see because nobody can understand why this still consumes me. I'm ashamed of myself, truly ashamed. Who the fuck am I? What gives me the right to hold on so fiercely to a memory?
Why can't I do what he did and meet someone else?
I feel like I'm two people. On the outside I'm a slightly odd looking 30 year old woman with a crap job who keeps herself to herself and doesn't really connect. On the inside I'm falling apart. Writing masses of mad shit about a relationship gone wrong on a website filled with people that don't know her. Mourning for something that should have been buried three years ago.
I still remember what his phone number was. I still know his face off by heart. I still remember how he smelled. His favourite aftershave.
Why the fuck is this happening to me? Why? I don't want this anymore. He doesn't want me so there's no point in me feeling any of this. I hate it. I hate feeling out of control. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I've been beating myself up for years and at some stage it has to hurt because realistically where the fuck can this go? NOWHERE. NOWHERE.
If he saw this he would be so mad at me. He'd be angry and embarassed and he'd probably still think I cheated on him. Outside of BL there is nobody that knows I feel like this. I think Debbie knows something's wrong that she doesn't know about. That's because she's the closest to a kindred that I've got. One true friend that I can talk to without using words. But she doesn't need to know about this. She's young and needs to find a love of her own. I'm just her daft older friend. All I can do is teach her not to make the same mistakes that I did. I sometimes want to tell her why I feel so sad inside. I just want someone to know, I want someone to tell me how to get over this. Because I'm struggling to go on and it's really not healthy.
I'm not some crazy, deluded stalker. I'm just a girl that fell in love and skinned her knees... and was too afraid to get back up again. Although I'm probably the only girl I know who still holds a torch for someone that left her years ago. Or maybe it's not the holding of the torch. Maybe it's the inability to move on. My heart is a fortress. Nobody gets close anymore.
I wish nothing but the best for that man I love... truly and sincerely I do... sometimes I wonder if he hears my heart screaming his name. I hope not. My pride gets in the way.
I suppose if nothing else I am glad that I got to feel that way about someone if only for once in my life. And I know he loved me too. I'm thankful for all the things he taught me. I regret that it didn't last. Maybe my instinct was right and I just didn't deserve him. I know how much I made him miserable at times. I think maybe I'm just not capable of being loved forever. Nobody else would do anyway. I can get through life without anyone. I can do it. I have my family and my friends and that's all that matters to me. And I have the memories of something that was once wrought with gold. It has tarnished with time... but I will still bring it out and polish it from time to time and be thankful to have had something so beautiful in my possession.
S'cuse me now, I think I need to go and weep this out of my system. I'm so weak. Nobody can find out about this.
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/400708-Sharlot-(and-the-rogues)?p=6483046#post6483046
I know for sure that this was one of his pseudonyms after the last time "us" finished. Perhaps it's egotistical to think this... but given the time frame and the subject matter... I think this one was about me. As I said in a previous entry he was convinced I'd cheated on him with someone that I had never met.
I can't even begin to describe the wound that has been ripped open by reading that.
I know he'll never read this so I'll give you the truth. I never cheated on him. The guy that he accused me of cheating on him with lived near Manchester and has a fiancee and a teenage son. The irony is I bumped into him at a festival a year after it all ended with my ex and while I got on well with him, there was nothing there. Purely friends. I'm actually shaking as I write this. It's like all the hurt and the pain from all those years ago has come out again. It's like I'm bleeding tears.
What stopped things from working was not the fact that I cheated, because I didn't. It was his lack of faith in me and his own insecurity. Don't get me wrong, I was terrible to him through my own insecurity. I was a jealous and paranoid lover. I treated him badly but only because I wanted to keep him. I couldn't give him space and I found it hard to trust him because I didn't think I was good enough for him. He tried so hard. I tried so hard. But we both failed.
I loved him then. Right down to his bones. I love him now. If he were to find me again in this crazy fucked up world I would give anything to have one more day and night in his company.
I don't ever feel like there was proper closure. There was no real goodbye. There were just vicious words and arguments. When I met him outside a pub a few years later I just wanted to take him home with me and fill my soul with his presence. I've never loved anyone like I loved him then and I will never love anyone that way ever again.
It's been such a long few years trying to get over this whole thing and I don't think I'm ever going to get there. I still tremble at the thought of him. I can't get close to anyone without pushing them away again. Sometimes things happen and I want to talk to him because he's the only person that would have understood.
I used to text him song lyrics about how I was feeling. He used to always get it. I tried it a year or two ago after seeing him. He didn't get it. Maybe he wouldn't understand now. I don't know. I feel trapped in a past that I can't escape from and it's slowly devouring me from the inside, out.
These last few days have been especially hard. I don't know why. Three years have passed, why am I not ok? Why does this continue to burn inside of me?
He'd be so angry if he read this. I'm almost scared that he'll somehow find his way back on BL and see this. But I need to get this out. I need to put it somewhere that nobody who knows me will see because nobody can understand why this still consumes me. I'm ashamed of myself, truly ashamed. Who the fuck am I? What gives me the right to hold on so fiercely to a memory?
Why can't I do what he did and meet someone else?
I feel like I'm two people. On the outside I'm a slightly odd looking 30 year old woman with a crap job who keeps herself to herself and doesn't really connect. On the inside I'm falling apart. Writing masses of mad shit about a relationship gone wrong on a website filled with people that don't know her. Mourning for something that should have been buried three years ago.
I still remember what his phone number was. I still know his face off by heart. I still remember how he smelled. His favourite aftershave.
Why the fuck is this happening to me? Why? I don't want this anymore. He doesn't want me so there's no point in me feeling any of this. I hate it. I hate feeling out of control. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I've been beating myself up for years and at some stage it has to hurt because realistically where the fuck can this go? NOWHERE. NOWHERE.
If he saw this he would be so mad at me. He'd be angry and embarassed and he'd probably still think I cheated on him. Outside of BL there is nobody that knows I feel like this. I think Debbie knows something's wrong that she doesn't know about. That's because she's the closest to a kindred that I've got. One true friend that I can talk to without using words. But she doesn't need to know about this. She's young and needs to find a love of her own. I'm just her daft older friend. All I can do is teach her not to make the same mistakes that I did. I sometimes want to tell her why I feel so sad inside. I just want someone to know, I want someone to tell me how to get over this. Because I'm struggling to go on and it's really not healthy.
I'm not some crazy, deluded stalker. I'm just a girl that fell in love and skinned her knees... and was too afraid to get back up again. Although I'm probably the only girl I know who still holds a torch for someone that left her years ago. Or maybe it's not the holding of the torch. Maybe it's the inability to move on. My heart is a fortress. Nobody gets close anymore.
I wish nothing but the best for that man I love... truly and sincerely I do... sometimes I wonder if he hears my heart screaming his name. I hope not. My pride gets in the way.
I suppose if nothing else I am glad that I got to feel that way about someone if only for once in my life. And I know he loved me too. I'm thankful for all the things he taught me. I regret that it didn't last. Maybe my instinct was right and I just didn't deserve him. I know how much I made him miserable at times. I think maybe I'm just not capable of being loved forever. Nobody else would do anyway. I can get through life without anyone. I can do it. I have my family and my friends and that's all that matters to me. And I have the memories of something that was once wrought with gold. It has tarnished with time... but I will still bring it out and polish it from time to time and be thankful to have had something so beautiful in my possession.
S'cuse me now, I think I need to go and weep this out of my system. I'm so weak. Nobody can find out about this.