I keep thinking...

[RangersFan]

I was referred to "The Dark Side" by one of the mods...said I might find some helpful folks over here. First, I'll copy/paste my intro so y'all can know a little about what's going on with me...then I have a question at the end...

I averaged probably around 60-70 mg of Hydrocodone a day, for close to two years, and took it absolutely 99% recreationally, and that 1%, probably much less than 1%, was just for headaches or something that could have been taken care of with Ibuprofen or Excedrine. I absolutely abused this drug for almost two years, and feel absolutely awful about all the times I deceived loved ones, and how much money I pissed down the toilet. I was very good at hiding it, and pretty much nobody knew about my addiction except the people I used with, and my dealers. I was able to keep it from my wife, son, parents, etc...and I feel disgusting about that.

I'm now on day 6 of being clean. It's been a long-ass 6 days. Just as easily as the days floated by while high on Hydrocodone, recovering is the exact opposite, but totally worth it. I had acute W/D symptoms for the first 3-4 days, first 3 were pretty bad (I know not as bad as Oxy, H, etc...I never let myself progress and "climb the ladder" so to speak, I stuck only with Hydrocodone), but I still had bad sweats, chills, leg aches and pains, inability to ever be comfortable, explosive diarrhea, no appetite, inability to sleep, etc...and I'm still dealing with PAWS. I can't tell you how much it helps to stay fairly active, even when you feel awful and have no energy (and you won't), but exercising with release mass quantities of endorphins, and will help teach your brain to make dopamine again by itself. It may be a temporary fix, but feel much better after exercising.

I know my testosterone levels dropped tremendously, sex-drive disappeared, lost muscle, gained fat, and the psychological addiction is the worst. I'd always "need" to take some before every big game I wanted to watch, before every movie, before every outing, before everything really. I hated the fact that my whole life revolved around this horrible drug. I couldn't even take my wife out for a romantic evening without taking pills with me. I had to plan every day, every meal, EVERYTHING around this stupid drug, and not just enjoy and live my life with the wonderful people I have in it. It's so not worth it. I'm over the acute W/D symptoms for the most part...now I'm just dealing with anxiety/depression, and fatigue mainly. Still can't sleep very well...I wake up every other hour or so, but at least I can fall asleep now.

I quit cold-turkey, and I took a complete multi-vitamin, L-Tyrosine 500 (helps with mood, and helps brain re-learn to make dopamine), drank lots of water to combat dehydration, tried to move around a bit, if only to take the dog for a walk, and feel the sunshine and walk around, took some Imodium (small doses, recommended doses) for the diarrhea, maybe some OTC cough syrup or Advil PM to try to sleep a few hours, and whatever else I thought might help with the general discomfort and aches. Oh, and hot showers were amazing...took 2-3 a day.

Every day hopefully I will continue to feel better, get clearer-headed, learn to live without that horrible "crutch" I've been leaning on, enjoy life and not constantly worry about my supply and burning money. Also, my sex-drive has come back with a vengeance, and feels SO much better after getting clean. So much so, that a side-effect of W/D is that premature-ejaculation has reached new, embarrassing heights lol, but that too will return to normal soon I hope. It is one of the best decisions I've ever made.


Ok...my question is...I'm about to finish Day 6 when I go to sleep here in a bit (hopefully) and enter Day 7 tomorrow. I feel a million times better than I did on days 1-4, and I'm starting to feel much better. I still have a bit of anxiety/depression I guess, but that too seems to be improving, and will hopefully be gone soon. However, I can't stop thinking about the pills. I know I'm done with them, and I have little desire to use anymore, but every time I reach a situation during my day in which I would have normally taken some, I can't stop thinking about it. I'm guessing this is just my brain/body being conditioned to expect it to come after about 2 years, but I just want to be free, and not even have to think of that poison anymore.

 

[stardust.hero]

Hey there Rangers welcome to the forum and to The Dark Side!!! Congratulations on getting to 6 days clean! Thinking about the pills will stick around for a long time still but you will develop ways to take your mind off them and to understand that you don't want them anymore.

Do you have any exciting plans for the next few days to keep your mind off it? Exercise is a great method for raising your energy and your mood that I would suggest!

You will definitely start feeling a lot better as the days go on.

 

[RangersFan]

I actually slept so much better last night than any night since I got clean! I feel a little better today than I did yesterday. My fiance and I have been exercising every day this week, and it definitely helps so much, I can't even describe how much better it makes me feel. I get a "high" off of the exercise that feels better than the pills! I'm almost a bit worried I may get addicted to the exercise lol, but I guess it could be worse than that. I'm also getting ready to start a new, good job.

I was already using when I met my special lady, and I guess I was a "functioning addict" so she never knew. I'm so ashamed of what I did, I can't tell her. Maybe one day. I know she couldn't help but be hurt and pissed because of the deception, and I don't need the extra drama in my early recovery days. Not sure what to do on that front yet, but I know I love her and our son more than anything, and I'm so happy I decided to get clean for all of us.

 

[Vomit fox]

I'm gonna give you my opinion, I wouldn't tell your lady. If your serious about quitting which you seem to be, leave the past in the past. It'll only make her worry if your still doing it, if she doesn't know you did it before, and you know your not doing it anymore then don't feel guilty anymore. I told my girl and I wish I didn't, she's very supportive but still suspects sometimes which isn't her fault it's mine. But when your clean and someone brings it up and accuses you of using itll upset you, at least it did to me. Cause ill be clean and shell think I went I sneak off and get some, she'll ask me about it and it's a fight. Then you'll think why did you get clean just for people to think you still use. Some things are better left unsaid, and like I said, if your true to yourself and you stay clean you have nothing to feel guilty about. Btw congratulations on 6 days, afte 7 days I started feel better emotionally, but I was ecstatic the whole time, I wanted nothing more then to be free. Im 5 weeks today and couldn't be happier than any day of the 4 years I was doing drugs.

 

[RangersFan]

You're exactly the person I was looking for when I joined VF. Sounds like me and you have lots of similar experiences. Mind if I ask what you were using? I think your advice is right man...I don't want to cause her any unnecessary worry. I'm committed to staying clean for me and my family. I just don't keep secrets from her (my addiction is the ONLY thing I've ever kept secret from her) and I just feel guilty, but you're right, the past is the past. I'm trying to focus on the future.

Day 7 for me now, and I feel so much better than I did before. Much happier than the first days of soberness, and I'm so much more self-content than I was when I was using. I'm still dealing with some fatigue and slight anxiety/depression, but I can't complain too much...it took a while for me to get myself into this mess, and it'll take some time to get out. I hope I feel great after 5 weeks as well. I'm also still finding myself thinking about the pills more than I'd like. I don't want to use them, but there comes a point in each day, multiple times a day, I guess where my body/brain is so used to using at these times, I find myself thinking about using...is this normal? Has that subsided after 5 weeks?

 

[Vomit fox]

I'm coming off opana and h, I started off with hydros though, and just like you I had to have it for everything. Couldn't work without it so I got fired. Couldn't go on dates, meet new people it's a frustrating way of life. I'd feel guilty too but when something does more harm then good, just hold onto the burden of that secret for the greater good of your family. Eventually you'll be clean long enough to where it doesn't matter what you did before.

As for your question, yeah i think about it a lot less, but it still comes to mind from time to time. I still need to change my number as soon as I get a text which I've gotten two today I delet them as soon a I see the number. It gets to a point when you know you'll be fine without them and although you might want to use or you remember the high, you'll also remember how long you've been sober and if your like me I build off each day, and I'm a competitor at heart, so shit 35 days that's it imma make it 60 just so I can say i did and prove it. I don't succumb to the thought of getting high anymore since I'm working two jobs I know I want things I should have already but I wasted on drugs. I don't want to feel that shame anymore so it helps me realize why I'm quitting. If you want to quit bad enough which I'm sure you do then you won't let anything get in the way of it. I live outside reality a lot and daydream of what I'm going to accomplish now and where I'll be in 6 months and it's much more positive than where I'd thought I'd be while I was using. Which honestly didn't go past the next day.

 

[RangersFan]

I can totally relate to most of that. Never touched the harder stuff, but the hydros were horrible enough. I'm a former fairly high-level athlete, and only 25, so I'm still very competitive...I understand that mindframe completely. I can't wait to just be totally rid of this bad mistake, and move on with the rest of my good life. Also, so ready to buy all the stuff I should already have too if I hadn't pissed money away. Excited to move on!

I've asked quite a few people, but I still have to ask...when does the duration of sex get back to normal? Lol, it's slowly returning, but I'm still awfully quick on the trigger right now.

 

[BlindSoothsayer]

I've never been addicted to any type of pain killer. I've only tried vicodin a few times. The hardest thing I've ever quit was cigarettes. I don't have much trouble with the initial withdrawal, which really isn't that bad. My problem is almost every time I get drunk, I end up buying another pack. Anyways, congratulations on 6 clean days man.

 

[RangersFan]

I've never been addicted to any type of pain killer. I've only tried vicodin a few times. The hardest thing I've ever quit was cigarettes. I don't have much trouble with the initial withdrawal, which really isn't that bad. My problem is almost every time I get drunk, I end up buying another pack. Anyways, congratulations on 6 clean days man.

I understand that. Not exactly, but the only time I ever get a craving for a cig is when I'm buzzing on something. So my cigs went hand-in-hand with my pills. I'm sure when I get drunk, whenever that may be (no worries, I've drank for years, never had anything similar to an addiction to alcohol, I mean I never even got addicted to cigs, and I've smoked on and off for years...I can pick em up and quit anytime I want). My achilles heel is the damn pills I guess. Oh well...thanks for the support, and it's 7 days now man..lol.

 

[Vomit fox]

My stamina is getting better, it's not all their yet, but I learned if I'm gonna get down that night I'll let off steam earlier in the day so it's not all built up, of course my drive is a bit decreased but I can enjoy it longer and hey, sex is sex there is always desire haha

 

[BiggDirty01]

OP you may need to see a doctor regarding the testosterone. I've used opiates for 6 years now, the last 2 because of spinal surgery, and I've hit near zero levels of testosterone and now need replacement shots every 4-6 weeks until my body starts resuming production, which I am told can take a while.

PM me if you have further questions.

 

[RangersFan]

I'm only 25...since quitting, my testosterone seems to be through the roof. Too much I'd say.

 

[bestservedchilled]

ihc

 

[Swimmingdancer]

I can't stop thinking about the pills. I know I'm done with them, and I have little desire to use anymore, but every time I reach a situation during my day in which I would have normally taken some, I can't stop thinking about it. I'm guessing this is just my brain/body being conditioned to expect it to come after about 2 years, but I just want to be free, and not even have to think of that poison anymore.

That is normal. It will get easier with time. What you can do in the meantime is every time you get a craving, tell yourself that it is just your mis-wired addicted brain mistakenly thinking that you need hydrocodone, and you don't have to listen to it. Do something you enjoy to distract yourself. Remember all the reasons you want to quit. If you do these 3 steps every time you get a craving, it will drastically reduce their power over you. With time, they will get weaker and weaker and occur less often. Best of luck!


EDIT: It's also important not to feel guilty and ashamed. Those feelings can easily lead to wanting to use to feel better. Think instead about how good you are doing, feel proud of yourself for taking the responsibility to quit and remember how strong and brave you are.

 

[RangersFan]

That is normal. It will get easier with time. What you can do in the meantime is every time you get a craving, tell yourself that it is just your mis-wired addicted brain mistakenly thinking that you need hydrocodone, and you don't have to listen to it. Do something you enjoy to distract yourself. Remember all the reasons you want to quit. If you do these 3 steps every time you get a craving, it will drastically reduce their power over you. With time, they will get weaker and weaker and occur less often. Best of luck!


EDIT: It's also important not to feel guilty and ashamed. Those feelings can easily lead to wanting to use to feel better. Think instead about how good you are doing, feel proud of yourself for taking the responsibility to quit and remember how strong and brave you are.

Thank you! This really helps tremendously! There's still that annoying voice that says "Even things you enjoy doing, you won't enjoy doing anymore because you aren't on the pills," and I know that's BS, but I'm just fighting it. I'm getting better each day. 10 days in feels great. Exercise has been my savior every day...lol, I guess there could be worse things to get addicted to.

I saw a quote yesterday, and it really stuck with me..."The reason people tend to give up so easily is because they look at how far they still have to go, instead of looking at how far they've already come."