behindblueeyes
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2010
- Messages
- 89
Hey all. Thought I'd post some of what I've been through, and emerging from the other side clean and starting to feel better than I did any time I lived to maintain a "high."
It took awhile, and things did get worse before getting better.
To start, I'm almost 30f. I have a family history of addiction, including my mom who's a recovered alcoholic.
Alcohol was my first issue, beginning probably in my college years. Then I was prescribed benzos. Well, I was addicted to benzos for years along with alcohol in my mid 20s and to say I was an anxious literal mess would be an understatement. I couldn't even be out in public without being shaky and there was a time I'd wake up and start drinking. I lived in my parent's basement and was a drunk and addicted to benzos. I'm surprised I maintained a full time job.
I also abused adderall (prescribed). By abused I chased the high, always chasing. I became very isolated and lost touch with just about all my friends.
I moved out on my own a little over a year ago. I eventually got to a point where my body couldn't handle being drunk when I woke up, and I would need to rehydrate like a fish (good thing). But I was downright fucking miserable.
Last February, I ended up in a psychiatric hospital, where I was taken off the benzos. I went through withdrawal, but acute withdrawal was over in about a month. Other symptoms (like anxiety, which I was unsure what to differentiate from baseline because I had been on benzos for so long) lingered.
But I've been off benzos now for over 8 months. And I don't regret my breakdown that landed me in the hospital, because it took rock bottom to get me there.
After that, I really cut back on drinking. A few years ago, I would wake up to boxed wine and drink warm cheap beer. My stomach could no longer handle most beer or cheap wine. Alcohol became very unappealing.... expect for when I was on, my other addiction.... adderall.
Unlike benzos, adderall was very psychological. Benzos I was purely afraid of withdrawal, adderall I wanted to get high. But, alas, what goes up must come down and I became a moody, irritable chain smoking (cigs), drunk, paranoid bitch. I also looked like shit and withdrew even more. I quit taking adderall cold turkey and told the doctor I didn't want it prescribed anymore. Not too much withdrawal besides excessive fatigue the first few days and cravings.
My most recent addiction I let go of was smoking cigarettes. I vape now, but it's keeping me off the smokes and I feel my lungs clearing out.
The only things I take now are 2 antidepressants (Zoloft and Remeron), and I vape an electronic cigarette. And these past few weeks I've been feeling better more and more everyday. I don't even want to sleep because for the first time in my life I'm looking forward to LIVING. I switched departments in my job, ended a relationship that was making me miserable, and started taking care of ME. It's an uphill battle, and I know there will be stressors in the future but at the same token I can't stress enough, getting high/drunk/etc, is nothing compared to the feeling living day to day in sobriety. Do whatever you gotta do, whether it's go to AA, NA, etc. For my mother, it's AA. She's been sober over 2 years and is a completely different person.
I'm starting to feel the same way.
It took awhile, and things did get worse before getting better.
To start, I'm almost 30f. I have a family history of addiction, including my mom who's a recovered alcoholic.
Alcohol was my first issue, beginning probably in my college years. Then I was prescribed benzos. Well, I was addicted to benzos for years along with alcohol in my mid 20s and to say I was an anxious literal mess would be an understatement. I couldn't even be out in public without being shaky and there was a time I'd wake up and start drinking. I lived in my parent's basement and was a drunk and addicted to benzos. I'm surprised I maintained a full time job.
I also abused adderall (prescribed). By abused I chased the high, always chasing. I became very isolated and lost touch with just about all my friends.
I moved out on my own a little over a year ago. I eventually got to a point where my body couldn't handle being drunk when I woke up, and I would need to rehydrate like a fish (good thing). But I was downright fucking miserable.
Last February, I ended up in a psychiatric hospital, where I was taken off the benzos. I went through withdrawal, but acute withdrawal was over in about a month. Other symptoms (like anxiety, which I was unsure what to differentiate from baseline because I had been on benzos for so long) lingered.
But I've been off benzos now for over 8 months. And I don't regret my breakdown that landed me in the hospital, because it took rock bottom to get me there.
After that, I really cut back on drinking. A few years ago, I would wake up to boxed wine and drink warm cheap beer. My stomach could no longer handle most beer or cheap wine. Alcohol became very unappealing.... expect for when I was on, my other addiction.... adderall.
Unlike benzos, adderall was very psychological. Benzos I was purely afraid of withdrawal, adderall I wanted to get high. But, alas, what goes up must come down and I became a moody, irritable chain smoking (cigs), drunk, paranoid bitch. I also looked like shit and withdrew even more. I quit taking adderall cold turkey and told the doctor I didn't want it prescribed anymore. Not too much withdrawal besides excessive fatigue the first few days and cravings.
My most recent addiction I let go of was smoking cigarettes. I vape now, but it's keeping me off the smokes and I feel my lungs clearing out.
The only things I take now are 2 antidepressants (Zoloft and Remeron), and I vape an electronic cigarette. And these past few weeks I've been feeling better more and more everyday. I don't even want to sleep because for the first time in my life I'm looking forward to LIVING. I switched departments in my job, ended a relationship that was making me miserable, and started taking care of ME. It's an uphill battle, and I know there will be stressors in the future but at the same token I can't stress enough, getting high/drunk/etc, is nothing compared to the feeling living day to day in sobriety. Do whatever you gotta do, whether it's go to AA, NA, etc. For my mother, it's AA. She's been sober over 2 years and is a completely different person.
I'm starting to feel the same way.
