I was writing a blog that was long, and I was working through some things. I don't know what happened. The website asked me to log in again, but I had not logged out. My writing is gone. There's no draft, it's just gone.
I want those words back so much. There are changes happening and I was carefully documenting the manner in which life is leading me.
Even in my renewed sense of balance; even with my mind and soul profoundly clear, I carelessly lost my writing. I was washed from the inside out by some cosmic sick that purified through fire.
I worked hard to express what that illness gave to me, but I lost my work and I can't remember exactly what I said. I was searching for words because it's so hard to describe the levels I'm experiencing. I am being brought up through the excrement of my own making in this life to a new thing.
Sad as it is for me to give up on my insights, I will just make a point for myself to revisit. This is the touch stone at the start of the year. Something is happening to me. I'm seeing with new eyes. What I see right now is this: The reason I am living is to live. I understand that life is because it has to be. I know my experiences and my conclusions are not for everyone.
I had to take drugs. I was immersed in drugs. My mom loves to use substances and my father loved to bust people for using substances. My nuclear family was a drug family in many senses of the word. I came into the world and learned from my mother and my father. They both wanted me on their side.
I thought I had outgrown my parents influence many years ago, but my interest in drugs will never go away. I live and breathe pills. Even sober. When I was teaching, I self destructed over the availability of recreational chemicals in schools. I hate myself for that. However, it seems to me that I've been discovering ways to feel different since my earliest memories. I have a lifetime of experience in the arena "better living through chemicals" and I'm alright. I have been shaped, by nature and by nurture, into the person I am now.
It was probably unrealistic for me to expect that I would be able to deny this core attribute of mine to work in the conservative community. I could not sublimate everything about myself to play it straight for the education industry. I was a good teacher, but teachers are not allowed to have any drug issues. I have drug issues, therefore, I could not be a teacher.
I would like to earn paychecks again someday. We are living on very little money and nearly every appliance or fixture is broken and we can't do anything about it right now except adjust to it.
My spouse is disabled, and I don't know how I will ever find a job now. I've been out of work for a few years now. I ran out of unemployment checks a few years ago, so it's been a long time since I had one penny of income.
It's ok though. I want to enjoy what there is, more than I want to worry about what there isn't.
I want those words back so much. There are changes happening and I was carefully documenting the manner in which life is leading me.
Even in my renewed sense of balance; even with my mind and soul profoundly clear, I carelessly lost my writing. I was washed from the inside out by some cosmic sick that purified through fire.
I worked hard to express what that illness gave to me, but I lost my work and I can't remember exactly what I said. I was searching for words because it's so hard to describe the levels I'm experiencing. I am being brought up through the excrement of my own making in this life to a new thing.
Sad as it is for me to give up on my insights, I will just make a point for myself to revisit. This is the touch stone at the start of the year. Something is happening to me. I'm seeing with new eyes. What I see right now is this: The reason I am living is to live. I understand that life is because it has to be. I know my experiences and my conclusions are not for everyone.
I had to take drugs. I was immersed in drugs. My mom loves to use substances and my father loved to bust people for using substances. My nuclear family was a drug family in many senses of the word. I came into the world and learned from my mother and my father. They both wanted me on their side.
I thought I had outgrown my parents influence many years ago, but my interest in drugs will never go away. I live and breathe pills. Even sober. When I was teaching, I self destructed over the availability of recreational chemicals in schools. I hate myself for that. However, it seems to me that I've been discovering ways to feel different since my earliest memories. I have a lifetime of experience in the arena "better living through chemicals" and I'm alright. I have been shaped, by nature and by nurture, into the person I am now.
It was probably unrealistic for me to expect that I would be able to deny this core attribute of mine to work in the conservative community. I could not sublimate everything about myself to play it straight for the education industry. I was a good teacher, but teachers are not allowed to have any drug issues. I have drug issues, therefore, I could not be a teacher.
I would like to earn paychecks again someday. We are living on very little money and nearly every appliance or fixture is broken and we can't do anything about it right now except adjust to it.
My spouse is disabled, and I don't know how I will ever find a job now. I've been out of work for a few years now. I ran out of unemployment checks a few years ago, so it's been a long time since I had one penny of income.
It's ok though. I want to enjoy what there is, more than I want to worry about what there isn't.