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I just need to post Vs. wisdom, beauty, and baggage.. here hold this bag and ponder.

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i don't know why i even bother trying in life i'm bound to drugs as they are to me i know that even with all the support in the world i'd just sneak getting high behind their backs like i've done in the past i don't know why my family still has faith in me i guess it's cause i'm smart just make dumb decisions but i can't out think being an addict i do blame my parents for me being an addict but they didn't encourage me to use so i'm in this situation solely because of for lack of a better word... curiosity... i've accepted my fate as a reject junkie but i feel bad for accepting that because my family thinks i can stop getting high or at least instead of getting loaded just get buzzed so i'm functional but i never was a functional addict the first time i drank i didn't stop until the bozze did and at that age my luck it seems i didn't have a hangover so alcohol seemed like a great way to relieve stress now i'm like emotionally crippled cause i can't feel any negative or positive emotion and not instantly think "hey this would be so much better if i just did a shot" and it's like people ignore how hopeless i am cause even though the drugs have been destroying me 2/3 my short life i still like the high enough to deal with the low FML
 
Mr flowers,

I am deeply sorry that you feel this way. We are here for you here n so many here know what you're going through. We will support you through this. Others have felt evactly like you n have got clean n stayed there. It's a difficult n long, continued process but you can do this, ok.

Maybe write this in a thread of your own so that people can give you a bit more support?

I'm here if you need to talk.

Thinking of you,
Evey x
 
Black Rabbit of Inlè said:
^ I just read that most of those houses have been looted and people are already re-selling the valuables at flea markets :( Fucking scum.
Click to expand...

I guess it's better than the stuff being burned anyways???????? Recycling of sorts... :sus: boo

Trip, how far is the fire from your house? You guys have homeowners insurance right?
 
I'm sick and tired of these scammers calling my house!!!

Haha If they call me one more time I'm going off on them.=D

EDIT- Flowers!!! Man I just saw your post, your not doomed to live a junkie life 4 ever. And tisk tisk tisk don't call yourself a junkie such a harsh word don't you think? Well hit me up on a PM you know I'm always down for a chat. ;)
 
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I can't believe I got myself here. Losing everything and people won't give to me, won't help me. All I wanted was to cure a deep pain. It was cured. I saw an amazing aspect of the magical earth that I am doubting most people see. I am still thinking if it is worth it, that's how amazing seeing that was. I'm just not strong enough. Now things to not matter to me that mattered before. I feel like I was pushed because I tried so hard and in my mind I deserved being let in because I was innocent, then I found the world doesn't think like that. I just have to keep telling myself that there are other people who are stronger than me. There are people that go through struggles that seem impossible to battle.
 
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this picture is awesome..
 
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i wish i could just walk away and just not stop just keep walking stick to the woods i feel most like life is a meaningful or even real thing but i have to look after my aging dad and g pa i owe them everything and it's really hard to continually let them down i know part of my depression is from a amp crash opi wd episode but i find i see my life for what it really is in the darkest of times i am able to be more real with myself when i'm high it's easy to convince myself that i'm doing ok as an addict
 
^^^ We never truly are okay addicts, usually we use because we're trying to block out something painful in our lives.

If you want to make up for some things then do yourself a huge favor that you will never regret get clean my friend, your father and grandfather would praise you for that. It's the biggest gift that you can give yourself, you will see that life can be so much more.
 
no i understand that the way i choose to live is making me miserable but the pull of the high it's like every other thought i have is about getting high i think oh i'm hunger oh i need to get high oh i'm tired oh i need to get high and i've tried CBT and just traditional therapy but i can't escape the feeling that everything would just be fine if i could get high just one more time

oh and thank you for even giving a shit eveleivibe and of course you greeneyez
 
i know it's like the painkiller just ended up making me weaker to pain then i was i wish i could go back and tell myself what i know now but really i don't even want to be alive unless i'm high so i don't know if i have the strength to hold off on offing myself if i didn't quit i mean i'd be in a bunch of pain always and my panic attacks are wicked i really feel like i think a normal person would if they were about to die but the few times i thought i was going to die i felt very at piece so i know my panic is all about they way i choose to live my life but getting through the fist 9 months is the longest i stayed "mostly" clean and it was hell even 9 months in
 
i'm feeling pretty ok don't know if i'm just hypomanic or what still not sure if i'm truly bipolar cause i haven't stayed clean long enough to know if my mood swings are caused by the drugs but eating my first real meal in 5 days can also be a big factor in why i suddenly have an optimistic point of view i really do feel better when i take care of myself but i just would rather take the really hard way of feeling ok by feeding my addiction it would be much easier for me to stop or at least only use my meds in severe situations but i'll sing a different tune soon thats why i got the bipolar diagnosis i was crashing off my heaviest addict freebase coke and got put in a psych ward instead of rehab because everyone just thought i lost my mind getting clean definitely snapped me out of the acute psychosis but i was one of the rare cases of i'm not sure if i was born schizo but i remember when i would get in trouble i explained it by saying my head told me to do it and the worse things i've experienced in life have escalated the desire of the voices of just little nuances to full blown sadistic crimes and since meds haven't quieted the voices i refer to them as people because they do seam real to me but i just figure i should not listen to them ever again they always get me in bad situations i actually am trying to improve my life but i don't want it for me so i think that's why it's not working
 
yeah i kinda used other peoples liking of pokemon to rip them off when i was little so that kinda was not helpful now i feel like a dick
 
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