I just need an outlet. Attempted rape victim (sensitive content)

[misplaced energy]

Hey everyone.
Im struggling a lot right now. I have always been a fighter. Always managed to pull the strength from somewhere. I'm facing a lot of my demons due to the incident.
I have spent my entire life being abused in some way or another. My parents were abusive to each other. I was abused by a guy i liked as a teen and i thought he liked me too. Turns out he was a huge psychopath and is serving time in prison for torturing people including me.
Then i met who i thought was the love of my life. He was abusive in every form. I was completely conditioned by him. I eventually broke free. He still to this day tries as we have a child together.
I began to do courses. Started to heal. I've not had a serious relationship for nearly 3 years. I don't trust men in relationships. As friends i thought i was safe.
Then early this year a trusted male friend id known since being a child tried to rape me the day he got out of prison. It should have been an open and shut case only here in the UK they favour the defendant.
It's like they get the whole deck of cards to play with and me, the victim goes in blind. Had i not spent the entire ordeal fighting him off he would have succeeded.

Anyway i thought there's no way with all the evidence that there will be a not guilty virdict or a hung jury. There was. 3 of the 12 im told said he wasn't guilty because i may or may not have taken amphetamines. I was scared to admit i did because it's so hard to bring these cases to trial let alone get a guilty virdict. Im a terrible liar. I wish i hadn't now. It doesn't chance the fact what he did to me he did and my evidence was consistent with my statement. It was reliving hell.
I now have to go back pending further evidence. A part of that is testing my urine from that evening. I know i can't discuss drug testing on here but from what i read there's a chance my test may come back negative because of the detection times with urine tests and id only taken a tiny bit in the hours before.
Mods feel free to delete if im out of line but this is what is sending me crazy. I feel so angry at myself for not telling the truth but he was trying to say i had sold it to him when he gave it to me. That's what makes me feel sick to think not only did he do what he did but he's trying to blame me for it basically.
I took it on my own accord i admit.

Before anyone says what else are you lying about then? I can honestly in my heart of hearts say this is the only thing.
I only stood trial for all those victims that are too scared or don't get the chance because of lack of evidence. He tried to enter a guilty bargain plea before so we didn't go to trial because he knew the evidence would string him up.

I feel I've lost all of my energy to fight. I sit searching on my phone every day for something to ease my mind. I can't deal with all of this. The thought of reliving it again.

All because a small minority believe it would make a difference if i had taken drugs. Apparently I would lesson his sentence significantly. It makes me sick to think i fought so hard to stop him actually raping me for nearly an hour until i had no fight left. Luckily help came.
Im torturing myself. I am having CBT which is not helping. Im being re referred. I also have had a benzo addiction for a couple years now. Purely self medication. It's not easy to get anything other than ssris in the UK and i suffer so bad from depression and anxiety. I don't know how to cope anymore. I don't think I'll ever heal if we go to retrial and he is aquitted as this is my final chance to prove what he did to me. My credibility will go down with a positive test. I know that. Im still going to fight i just don't know how.
I beg God for strength. Thankyou for reading anyone. This is one of the darkest times of my life.
I spent a great deal in the weeks before the trial taking coke going to festivals and taking other uppers trying to put it out of my mind which worked until the week commenced. I know they are only a temporary way to forget and leave me more depressed.

I am staying clear of any stimulant until my next court date which could be a while because i need to try deal with this myself. I still need help with sleep. Even the benzos don't work anymore very well but i know i need them even if it's a small dose for peace of mind.
I just dont know how to stop myself going crazy. Maybe hearing the test results before the case will help me prepare. My own guilt is killing me.

 

[Moreaux]

I am so sorry that you have had these experiences and continue to suffer. You are brave and courageous for seeing this process through, and are very strong for surviving everything that you have endured. The fact that you were on drugs should not lessen the fact that that individual tried to rape you. The legal system can be frustrating, and often doesn't seem like justice is a priority. Try to do the best you can in this situation, and try to focus on the positive aspects of your life. There is a lot that is not within your control, and ruminating on these aspects of your life isn't going to change their outcome unfortunately. You are just increasing the amount of your suffering. You said you are working on CBT, are you doing that on your own or with a therapist? Have you spoken to your doctor about how stressed you are and if there is anything more they can do? Sorry for all the questions.

 

[misplaced energy]

I have a therapist although she's referring me to a different type of therapist as at this time I'm struggling to leave the house. CBT is not what i need right now I'm not strong enough. Im severely depressed. Im putting weight on since working so hard to lose 5 stone I've put 2 on just by comfort eating.

My doctor is calling this morning.
I have this way of punishing myself with every tiny wrong doing in my life. I try to do good and help people but i dont help myself. I find it very hard to lie and because i did to defend myself i am torturing myself for that.
Im finding it hard to build the strength to go through it all again. Especially if the test comes back positive. The barrister will try to tear me apart over it. The defendent is given so much help with the case. He is coached for his best defence. It makes no sense to me. He's also coached by other prisoners as he's on remand. The jury just don't seem to look at the bigger picture. There was a phone call to the police during the attack. Clearly me fighting him off. His blood on my clothes consistent with my account which he agrees yet his barrister tried to call me a liar about everything. It's their job i know but evidence is evidence. He is also the last to go up on the stand. Has the most influence on the jury that way.

Im given none. I don't speak with my barrister.
I don't see evidence before even though i know what evidence i have. I don't know if they have dna evidence from him penetrating me although they must to charge him with what they are.
Im given a support worker who can't give me answers just be there if i feel low and tell me what a good job i did last time. She doesn't know about my drug use i was in too much of a mess to tell her and at the time of talking to her id not been told my urine from the night would be tested.

I told my police victim support officer that i had taken a couple of days before to try to cover my tracks. Another lie. I am drowning in my guilt yet i just want him behind bars for what he has done to me. Clearly if i test positive they'll know it was on the night due to the amount of metabolites. I should have told him the truth. I was frightened and i didn't want to admit that id taken anything from this man that violated me in such an awful way.

Maybe i should come clean to my police victim support officer. He's on my side and wants the defendent put away. He was cool about me saying is used in the days before and told me not to worry although the paper work has gone to the lab now. Unfortunately worrying is my thing anyway. Maybe I'll hear something when they go back to court for the mention in a few weeks. Maybe i won't find out until the day i walk into court.

I don't understand how me as a victim is treat like the criminal. It is unreal. Everything to me seems unreal i just want it all to go away

 

[My3sons]

Unfortunately, the defense will do anything to discredit you as a person. If there are any metabolites they will absolutely use it. I would be concerned with testing positive for the benzos as well. They're not prescribed right? They will paint a picture of you being an addict. Addicts are always looked down upon. It's a shame because being an addict doesn't always mean you are a lying piece of shit, but every one likes to judge. It's a shitty situation and I wish you luck. Hang in there . This will all eventually be a bad memory.

 

[misplaced energy]

<snip>

I took them purely for medicinal reasons. Ivr always suffered from insomnia panic attacks depression and anxiety since being a child. Any doctor has tried to palm me off with SSRI'S which have never worked. Nor have beta blockers. Trazadone nor mirtazipine. I self medicated because nobody could help me. I now have a therapist and am giving anti depressants another shot. Anything to help me with my constant pain. This isn't just about the assault. My life in general has been nothing but a rollercoaster of hell.

I just spoke with someone from a charity that deals with legal cases such as my own and he said the chances of speed being in my system are slim due to the fact i ate before hand and didn't drink many fluids. Hopefully a little bit of God news but i can't relax until the results are back.
Many may look at people with a drug problem as unreliable but I'm a very honest person. I struggle to lie. I panicked and maybe that panic the jury saw is what has gotten me into this mess.

 

[Moreaux]

Just a reminder that discussions regarding drug tests are not permitted on Bluelight.

Misplaced energy - any information you receive in this thread is purely speculation and ultimately not going to have an impact on your case. Many different outcomes are possible, including you testing positive and the other individual being convicted. We don't know what evidence they have and we don't know what the outcome will be.

The situation is terrible and my heart goes out to you. There is little you can do at this point except hope for the best. I know you are concerned, rightly so, regarding the test results and whether or not your lie will be found out, but I think only time will tell. Millions of people use drugs - all types of people from wealthy professionals to impoverished individuals. Drug use does not define the person, and your drug use should not define this case if the evidence against him is solid.

I think you need to devote your energy to learning how to accept that this situation happened and learn to live with it regardless of the court outcome. I say this because the experience was devestating, and in the end a guilty verdict is not going to take the pain away. Subsequently a not guilty verdict will consume you. Either way you lose, and you need to reclaim your life independent of the verdict.

What I am about to say I do not mean I a condescending manner, life is not fair. Many times we have very little say in how events unfold. We do control how we respond to those events, and how we move forward. Please keep moving forward, find a way to make peace with this situation as you deserve better. You will be consumed by this for as long as you allow it to consume you.

If you are not quite ready for CBT perhaps medication is not a bad option. Work with a doctor to find the best combination for you. Also look into therapy while you are taking medication. Find a survivor's group and join. There are other women who can relate to your experience that can give you suggestions for how they have managed to work through it. It is absolutely possible for you to recover from this traumatic event but it will take time. We are here for you.

 

[Ziiirp]

First off : I'm sorry that you met so many uncivilized dicks in your life. It seems you are attracted to them subconsciously (genetically) or at least to certain attributes, that are often present in assholes.

If you research, what kind of people occupy a great amount of seats in power (judicative, legislative, executive) nowadays (or since thousands of years), you will understand, why (attempted) rape and abuse is not prosecuted adequately.

I suggest you to quit wasting energy on that case and equip yourself with some legal melee defensive devices (pepper spray, tazer) to serve those subhumans accurately in the future.

And if you just want a male friend, then as a first step just look for physically inferior, gay or asexual candidates. That way you can minimize the possible threat.

 

[JessFR]

I suggest you to quit wasting energy on that case and equip yourself with some legal melee defensive devices (pepper spray, tazer) to serve those subhumans accurately in the future.

All that stuff, as well as anything else that could be used as a weapon, is illegal to carry, and usually illegal to own, in the UK.

The problem isn't confined to the courts...

 

[misplaced energy]

I'm trying to move forward. I've spoken with my doctor. Ive agreed a CPN is better than CBT and began a course of antidepressants. I know no matter what the outcome it's going to take time to heal. As i say I'm dealing with my own guilt as if maybe if id have told the truth karma would have got him for what he did. As far as evidence goes i have a very strong case. Im sorry for discussing testing. I didn't realise id crossed the line i was trying to be vague but it really is the thing that's eating me inside. It's my own fault. I understand that. What he did was not my fault though and the thought of him being aquitted scares me. I feel i should have let him take the bargain but then i wouldnt have been true to myself. There was no partial consent. He deserves the penalty for what he did. Im feeling a little stronger today. Im hoping each day i will get stronger and be able to go back to court ready to fight again for myself and for women that have been unable to have this oppertunity.
The judge was on my side so I'm told it's the minority. 3 of the jurors that were not because they were unsure of my drug use. The retrial is a completely different jury though. Could be worse than the last could be better. Im finding it hard but i believe come the time of the retrial i will accept this and the verdict. Again sorry for breaking the rules and thanks for the reply.

 

[misplaced energy]

Replies...sorry for the double post. When i try to edit it auto deletes

 

[MrRoot]

Hi,
How is life been going for your lately?

 

[misplaced energy]

This is a late late reply MrRoot sorry. I hope you are still around. If anyone here sees this that knows him feel free to direct him here. Thanks

Its just over a year since my last post. The verdict was positive however a bit of a double edged sword.

He plead guilty at the retrial before i gave evidence. So he cut a deal by saying he never removed his penis which was a lie but people like him i dont expect anything less. He got 10 months and 10 years sex offenders register plus a ten year restraining order. He was released that day having served his 10 months.
I was happy and sad at the same time.

I still have not rebuilt my life.
I started to at one point.
I joined a gym and that became a great focus and really helped with my agoraphobia however this was to be short lived and i relapsed into depression deeper than ever 3 months ago and i am now on the back end of it beginning to feel a sense of hope again. Its very very early days but I'm hopeful. I have hit the gym 3 times in 3 days and im feeling ok.

I still avoid places he could be as he lives back with his mum 2 days away from my mum.
Its sad that i have to be the one that doesn't see my family because of his wrongdoings but i get insane feelings of fear and panic if i see him.

Time will tell eh?

I'm awaiting a criminal injury claim which is in a queue to be in a queue and extremely disheartening after all the money i spent to move home and buy new furniture for a new start. All i really want is a holiday. I think that is what sent me deep into depression again. Getting the letter to tell me basically to not get my hopes up. It feels almost as if the suffering cannot end until that is no longer a factor but its a constant reminder. I honestly wish i had never bothered.

But yeah life is so up and down. I have not been in a relationship for a very long time. I have not had sex with anyone for over a year and i have no desire to.

Apart of me feels like ill never fully heal. I had councilling but it was when i was feeling positive and was doing great however the counsellor thought there was nothing wrong because of my positivity. I became very agoraphobic again at the end of my therapy and everything went out of the window. She has never seen me In the state i have been in recently and because of that has no clue how bad things can really be. I feel no progress has been made.

It is a hard thing to get over.