And I've nailed down what causes it. It happens when I take Xanax right before bed. It HAS to be, because I haven't eaten today and I took a Xanax right before laying down.
Anyway, this was a very long, drawn out episode and it scared the fuck out of me. One minute I was having a nice dream about a lady trying to serve me what looked like the most beautiful chocolate cake in the world, and the next - BAM! I'm in my room and my phone is ringing, and I know it's my dealer calling me to tell me to come down cause he's back in the area (I've been waiting for his call). Naturally, I couldn't reach it. And the thing about SP, is that it's extremely hard to keep your eyes open and stay awake when you're having an episode. So I kept falling in and out of sleep, and I must have woken up at LEAST 5 times, still paralyzed.
The first thing that happened was that I fell back asleep and had those weird hallucinatory dreams that you only get during sleep paralysis episodes. Then that stopped, and the rest turned into a struggle to just get up. I was in and out of it. There was one hallucination I had in which I was knocking on the wall, calling "Help" in a very garbled voice, and I heard my mom say "Hold on." I then saw her come into the room, but she went around the back of me. This made me really uneasy for some reason, I don't like not being able to move and knowing someone's there but I can't see them even if it IS my mom. I was able to move my arm just barely at this point, so I kept making these flopping motions and garbledly telling her to come around. Then I heard her say some shit like, "Honey, it's better this way. They gave me some sort of fructose to give you that will keep you like this. Don't worry. It's better this way, it's better this way." She kept saying that. Naturally, I thought all of this was real and so I was SCARED OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND. After a few false starts where I woke up still paralyzed, or woke up still paralyzed within a dream, I forgot about that hallucination and started doing my best to just sit up. A few times I managed to in my dreams, and I feel I could have kept it going and had one of those OBE's everyone talks about because when I stopped struggling and fighting it I felt myself floating out of my body, but I got really scared and had to stop, and I woke up again. Another false start. By then I could move my arms very clumsily and my hands and feet were fine, so, with HUGE effort, I tried to grab onto the cord for my blinds and pull myself up. Of course that did absolutely nothing. After that, a few more false starts. I was really beginning to panic, because by now I had figured out what was going on - trust me, I am NO stranger to this scary ass shit - but it's never lasted that long. I was really beginning to panic. I usually don't have so many false starts.
FINALLY I woke up for real and just SHOT UP out of bed. My eyes were fighting to get me to lay back down and go to sleep (it's really incredible how hard it is to keep your eyes open when you awaken during SP) but there was NO way in hell I was going to. I knew what would happen, and I wasn't down for another horrendous, possibly even longer struggle, with possibly even scarier hallucinations. My limbs were very jerky and I fell a few times from my knees just jerking and giving out on their own, but my ass was determined to walk it off until I woke up. I was terrified of falling back asleep.
So once the jerkiness calmed down, and I finally made it here into the garage where I could write this and smoke a cigarette, I called my dealer back. I've never been so relieved for a SP episode to be over with. Chances are I won't sleep for a week or so. There was a time when I was having them often, 3-4 times a night, and I already had some insomnia at that point, but let me tell you... I stopped sleeping completely after that. Like, I don't sleep at all now. The only sleep I get is when I accidentally nod out sitting up somewhere, just because my body needs the rest so bad that it shuts down on it's own.
Anyways. Christ that was scary. I mean, honestly, I have had scarier hallucinations that that... I really have... but this was by far the worst one for some reason. Maybe because it lasted so long. I know it started when my dealer called, and when I was finally able to move again and check my phone, it had been 15 minutes later. 15 minutes of paralysis! That's fucking INSANE! Or I don't know, maybe it's because my mom was the evil presence this time. Maybe a combination of the two. All I know is that the whole thing scared the fuck out of me and I am officially terrified of sleeping.
I hope the rest of you are sleeping well.
Anyway, this was a very long, drawn out episode and it scared the fuck out of me. One minute I was having a nice dream about a lady trying to serve me what looked like the most beautiful chocolate cake in the world, and the next - BAM! I'm in my room and my phone is ringing, and I know it's my dealer calling me to tell me to come down cause he's back in the area (I've been waiting for his call). Naturally, I couldn't reach it. And the thing about SP, is that it's extremely hard to keep your eyes open and stay awake when you're having an episode. So I kept falling in and out of sleep, and I must have woken up at LEAST 5 times, still paralyzed.
The first thing that happened was that I fell back asleep and had those weird hallucinatory dreams that you only get during sleep paralysis episodes. Then that stopped, and the rest turned into a struggle to just get up. I was in and out of it. There was one hallucination I had in which I was knocking on the wall, calling "Help" in a very garbled voice, and I heard my mom say "Hold on." I then saw her come into the room, but she went around the back of me. This made me really uneasy for some reason, I don't like not being able to move and knowing someone's there but I can't see them even if it IS my mom. I was able to move my arm just barely at this point, so I kept making these flopping motions and garbledly telling her to come around. Then I heard her say some shit like, "Honey, it's better this way. They gave me some sort of fructose to give you that will keep you like this. Don't worry. It's better this way, it's better this way." She kept saying that. Naturally, I thought all of this was real and so I was SCARED OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND. After a few false starts where I woke up still paralyzed, or woke up still paralyzed within a dream, I forgot about that hallucination and started doing my best to just sit up. A few times I managed to in my dreams, and I feel I could have kept it going and had one of those OBE's everyone talks about because when I stopped struggling and fighting it I felt myself floating out of my body, but I got really scared and had to stop, and I woke up again. Another false start. By then I could move my arms very clumsily and my hands and feet were fine, so, with HUGE effort, I tried to grab onto the cord for my blinds and pull myself up. Of course that did absolutely nothing. After that, a few more false starts. I was really beginning to panic, because by now I had figured out what was going on - trust me, I am NO stranger to this scary ass shit - but it's never lasted that long. I was really beginning to panic. I usually don't have so many false starts.
FINALLY I woke up for real and just SHOT UP out of bed. My eyes were fighting to get me to lay back down and go to sleep (it's really incredible how hard it is to keep your eyes open when you awaken during SP) but there was NO way in hell I was going to. I knew what would happen, and I wasn't down for another horrendous, possibly even longer struggle, with possibly even scarier hallucinations. My limbs were very jerky and I fell a few times from my knees just jerking and giving out on their own, but my ass was determined to walk it off until I woke up. I was terrified of falling back asleep.
So once the jerkiness calmed down, and I finally made it here into the garage where I could write this and smoke a cigarette, I called my dealer back. I've never been so relieved for a SP episode to be over with. Chances are I won't sleep for a week or so. There was a time when I was having them often, 3-4 times a night, and I already had some insomnia at that point, but let me tell you... I stopped sleeping completely after that. Like, I don't sleep at all now. The only sleep I get is when I accidentally nod out sitting up somewhere, just because my body needs the rest so bad that it shuts down on it's own.
Anyways. Christ that was scary. I mean, honestly, I have had scarier hallucinations that that... I really have... but this was by far the worst one for some reason. Maybe because it lasted so long. I know it started when my dealer called, and when I was finally able to move again and check my phone, it had been 15 minutes later. 15 minutes of paralysis! That's fucking INSANE! Or I don't know, maybe it's because my mom was the evil presence this time. Maybe a combination of the two. All I know is that the whole thing scared the fuck out of me and I am officially terrified of sleeping.
I hope the rest of you are sleeping well.
