I've been reading BlueLight posts for about 3 weeks before I actually signed up. I think it's a good idea to have something like this that covers a wide range of topics, especially since I don't know about most of you, but I can't talk to anyone about this kind of stuff for fear of the "what ifs."
I didn't think about it at the time, but I use to have a "problem," with E. I knew I had a problem when my then best-friend and I binged on about 25 bombs in a week.... E is/was my favorite substance. It made me feel good about myself. It made me feel good about other things. It brought down the barriers that I've had ever since I can remember. After awhile, I "lost the magic," that I read so many people talking about. It no longer made me feel the way I had experienced it for so long.
This was a post I made a long time ago:
You know what? It's not a realization as of right now, it's been a realization. I realize that I'm better off. My boss said something about one of our clients and it made me think. "When you have someone who really truly believes they are injured, there's nothing more powerful than that; you can't change their mind." I can kind of relate that to myself. In my head, I truly believe that what I'm doing is the best thing for me. I am a very stubborn person; not as bad as my father though. I will at least listen to reason. I believe in my heart and soul and mind that blocking everything that involves the bad things I use to do is the very best thing for me. "If someone truly believes that _________, there's nothing more powerful than that; you can't change their mind."
One day, it just dawned on me that how I was going about my life was totally wrong. I seemed to have "seen the light," in the proverbial sense of the phrase. Basically, before it entered my head, I was partying way too much. I was taking too many drugs, going to too many raves and parties and clubs, and I didn't even care. I never really thought about it; and at this point in time I forget how it came about, but I stopped. I stopped going to parties and raves and clubs, and I stopped taking the drugs I was taking.
I know that the drugs I was taking were bad for me. I knew it. But I didn't want to stop. I was having too much fun. But after awhile, I started realizing what was happening to me because of it. Seeing, really seeing and thinking about the aftershock of everything. I use to be great with words; now I'm not so great with them anymore. My thinking process is screwed. This is all I can really think of at the moment. You have no idea how much it hurt me to really look at myself at this point. I use to be really smart, and now I'm just kind of average. It truly hurts me inside to think that I had the greatest gifts and abilities and I just threw them away for a good time; a mass amount of good times actually.
I feel like I've killed myself. I feel like a shadow of what I use to be. I use to be great. Now.....not so much. How would you feel if you had the key to a lifetime of happiness and you just threw it away for some smoke and mirrors? I really feel so horrible inside, because it feels like I was killing myself on purpose. I knew the risks and damages, but I did it anyway.
The thing that really sucks about this whole thing though, is the friends aspect of it. I'm the only one out of all of my friends that sees the situation as I have. I'm the only one who's doing what's best for me. They're still out partying, still taking massive amounts of drugs, still doing whatever it is that we use to do together as a group of friends. I am not with them. I have a good job. I am going to go to school next fall. I am taking care of my responsibilities for the most part. I am trying to grow up as a person. I am trying to be an adult about things. I'm trying to build myself a life that's not surrounded by drugs and parties.
The thing is though, I do nothing but work. I don't go to parties. I don't go to clubs. I don't go to raves. I don't do anything I use to do. People say that all work and no play isn't good; that I might snap one of these days. That's fine. I would rather snap than be dead. I would rather snap than be homeless. I would rather snap than be totally fucked because of drugs. I've seen what happens to people who take drugs as their path. My father: died when I was 6 years old from a combination of heroin overdose and bronchitis; Suffocated in his sleep from vomit December 25th, 2006. My mother; overdose of cocaine and barbitol, died when I was ten years old, summer of 2000. I was taken away from her when I was 2. They left their child behind to grow up lost and confused. David C.: drug overdose, January 2005. Vanessa Tartaglia: drug overdose, August 2005. Terry Raminov: drug overdose, January 2006. Tiffany Sanchez: coke overdose, April 2006. April Ramirez: drug overdose, September 2006...... etc., etc., etc.. There's so many more that are drug overdoses and more who were killed because of drugs.....because they chose the wrong path and didn't realize it until it was too late. These were my friends. These were my family. But addiction is stronger than water, it's stronger than blood. It's stronger than love and hate, and it will kill you in someway if you're not careful, if you're not mindful of the consequences. It will kill you one day. It doesn't even have to kill your body. It can kill your mind. It can be brain death, it can leave you a vegetable; and let's face it, sometimes that's a fate worse than death, and guess what? It was your fault. How would that make you feel? To know that you are dead inside? Guess what, if you make bad decisions in your life, if you fuck up, guess who's mistake it is.....yours. Don't blame your parents, don't blame your friends, don't blame any external source. It's your fault. Everyone has a choice in life. Realize the right one before it's too late. I will not become my parents. I will not become my friends. They are all dead. I will not be dead like them.
People keep trying to get me to go to the club, go to raves, take the drugs I use to, and I immediately say no. I've come too far to let people drag me back down with them into the swirl of confusion and drugs and loneliness. I've come to far to go back. The thing is, people also say well you don't have to do drugs, just dance and have fun. Thing is, is that I've taken so many drugs at these functions, that without them it's not fun anymore. I've spoiled it for myself. And I have to live with that. I have to live with my anger and exasperation. I'm angry at myself. I feel like I have failed and failure is the worst kind of prison. It eats at you everyday. But I will not stray from this path. I am better off now and I will not go back. While everyone is partying it up and being fucktarded, I will be working to further my education. I will be making money so I can spend it on something interesting like horseback riding, or going away for a weekend to a different state. I kind of feel like a born again Christian, lmao. Like noooooo lol.
I feel that what I am doing is the best thing for me. I'm trying to blossom into a human being who doesn't rely on vices to be happy. I like my brain cells lol.
Hopefully I won't be alone in this anymore, but people are still too wrapped up in their drugs to realize it. Oh well. I'm better off. It's sad and lonely sometime; but I am better off. People don't do what's easy, they do what they have to. If you aren't willing to work for it, then you don't want it bad enough."
............. My magic is gone, and I would give anything to get it back; but everything comes with a price. That isolation has given me problems. I was paranoid before all the drugs, but now it's worse. I only really leave my house to go to work, because when I got outside, I feel like I'm being followed; I feel like I'm being watched. But there's no one there..... If I had to give my problem a name, I'd call it Paranoid Anxiety. My paranoia gets so bad to the point where it induces an anxiety attack, but I was doing research and apparently anxiety induces paranoia....... I just can't seem to ever catch a break; I already have a multitude of issues and I don't understand why bad shit keeps happening to me. I want to go to a shrink to get medication to make everything go away, but I want to go for entirely the wrong reasons I think. Regardless of the reasons, I'm scared to go. Scared to talk to anyone. I'm 21 and I still feel like a child. My pcp gave me samples of Lexapro which is generally for General Anxiety Disorder and/or Major Depressive Disorder because I was going through a lot of stuff around Christmas, and it made me numb to everything. It put a ceiling on my emotions, and I've read that most people don't like that, but for how weird I am, I loved it. It stopped working after awhile so I stopped taking it. As weird as people may think I am, I've never told anyone, but I would love to be a sociopath....lol....not for the hurting animals part though. (Cuz I'd love for that to get around to everyone) You'd have to understand my history to understand where I'm coming from in all this, but that's incredibly long (longer than this post) and I don't feel like getting into that much detail at the moment, as if I haven't already said enough lol.
I just don't know what to do with my life. I have no drive anymore. I have no interests anymore. I just don't know. I'm scared to end up like my parents and my friends; a family of corpses. Someone asked me what my goals in life were. I responded as follows: 1. To never die. 2. To have children. 3. To give my children everything I never had and then some. 4. To make sure my children don't end up like me. 5. For someone to love me. For some reason, I don't think any of those is going to come true for me, and as I said before......... I just don't know about anything anymore..........
I didn't think about it at the time, but I use to have a "problem," with E. I knew I had a problem when my then best-friend and I binged on about 25 bombs in a week.... E is/was my favorite substance. It made me feel good about myself. It made me feel good about other things. It brought down the barriers that I've had ever since I can remember. After awhile, I "lost the magic," that I read so many people talking about. It no longer made me feel the way I had experienced it for so long.
This was a post I made a long time ago:
You know what? It's not a realization as of right now, it's been a realization. I realize that I'm better off. My boss said something about one of our clients and it made me think. "When you have someone who really truly believes they are injured, there's nothing more powerful than that; you can't change their mind." I can kind of relate that to myself. In my head, I truly believe that what I'm doing is the best thing for me. I am a very stubborn person; not as bad as my father though. I will at least listen to reason. I believe in my heart and soul and mind that blocking everything that involves the bad things I use to do is the very best thing for me. "If someone truly believes that _________, there's nothing more powerful than that; you can't change their mind."
One day, it just dawned on me that how I was going about my life was totally wrong. I seemed to have "seen the light," in the proverbial sense of the phrase. Basically, before it entered my head, I was partying way too much. I was taking too many drugs, going to too many raves and parties and clubs, and I didn't even care. I never really thought about it; and at this point in time I forget how it came about, but I stopped. I stopped going to parties and raves and clubs, and I stopped taking the drugs I was taking.
I know that the drugs I was taking were bad for me. I knew it. But I didn't want to stop. I was having too much fun. But after awhile, I started realizing what was happening to me because of it. Seeing, really seeing and thinking about the aftershock of everything. I use to be great with words; now I'm not so great with them anymore. My thinking process is screwed. This is all I can really think of at the moment. You have no idea how much it hurt me to really look at myself at this point. I use to be really smart, and now I'm just kind of average. It truly hurts me inside to think that I had the greatest gifts and abilities and I just threw them away for a good time; a mass amount of good times actually.
I feel like I've killed myself. I feel like a shadow of what I use to be. I use to be great. Now.....not so much. How would you feel if you had the key to a lifetime of happiness and you just threw it away for some smoke and mirrors? I really feel so horrible inside, because it feels like I was killing myself on purpose. I knew the risks and damages, but I did it anyway.
The thing that really sucks about this whole thing though, is the friends aspect of it. I'm the only one out of all of my friends that sees the situation as I have. I'm the only one who's doing what's best for me. They're still out partying, still taking massive amounts of drugs, still doing whatever it is that we use to do together as a group of friends. I am not with them. I have a good job. I am going to go to school next fall. I am taking care of my responsibilities for the most part. I am trying to grow up as a person. I am trying to be an adult about things. I'm trying to build myself a life that's not surrounded by drugs and parties.
The thing is though, I do nothing but work. I don't go to parties. I don't go to clubs. I don't go to raves. I don't do anything I use to do. People say that all work and no play isn't good; that I might snap one of these days. That's fine. I would rather snap than be dead. I would rather snap than be homeless. I would rather snap than be totally fucked because of drugs. I've seen what happens to people who take drugs as their path. My father: died when I was 6 years old from a combination of heroin overdose and bronchitis; Suffocated in his sleep from vomit December 25th, 2006. My mother; overdose of cocaine and barbitol, died when I was ten years old, summer of 2000. I was taken away from her when I was 2. They left their child behind to grow up lost and confused. David C.: drug overdose, January 2005. Vanessa Tartaglia: drug overdose, August 2005. Terry Raminov: drug overdose, January 2006. Tiffany Sanchez: coke overdose, April 2006. April Ramirez: drug overdose, September 2006...... etc., etc., etc.. There's so many more that are drug overdoses and more who were killed because of drugs.....because they chose the wrong path and didn't realize it until it was too late. These were my friends. These were my family. But addiction is stronger than water, it's stronger than blood. It's stronger than love and hate, and it will kill you in someway if you're not careful, if you're not mindful of the consequences. It will kill you one day. It doesn't even have to kill your body. It can kill your mind. It can be brain death, it can leave you a vegetable; and let's face it, sometimes that's a fate worse than death, and guess what? It was your fault. How would that make you feel? To know that you are dead inside? Guess what, if you make bad decisions in your life, if you fuck up, guess who's mistake it is.....yours. Don't blame your parents, don't blame your friends, don't blame any external source. It's your fault. Everyone has a choice in life. Realize the right one before it's too late. I will not become my parents. I will not become my friends. They are all dead. I will not be dead like them.
People keep trying to get me to go to the club, go to raves, take the drugs I use to, and I immediately say no. I've come too far to let people drag me back down with them into the swirl of confusion and drugs and loneliness. I've come to far to go back. The thing is, people also say well you don't have to do drugs, just dance and have fun. Thing is, is that I've taken so many drugs at these functions, that without them it's not fun anymore. I've spoiled it for myself. And I have to live with that. I have to live with my anger and exasperation. I'm angry at myself. I feel like I have failed and failure is the worst kind of prison. It eats at you everyday. But I will not stray from this path. I am better off now and I will not go back. While everyone is partying it up and being fucktarded, I will be working to further my education. I will be making money so I can spend it on something interesting like horseback riding, or going away for a weekend to a different state. I kind of feel like a born again Christian, lmao. Like noooooo lol.
I feel that what I am doing is the best thing for me. I'm trying to blossom into a human being who doesn't rely on vices to be happy. I like my brain cells lol.
Hopefully I won't be alone in this anymore, but people are still too wrapped up in their drugs to realize it. Oh well. I'm better off. It's sad and lonely sometime; but I am better off. People don't do what's easy, they do what they have to. If you aren't willing to work for it, then you don't want it bad enough."
............. My magic is gone, and I would give anything to get it back; but everything comes with a price. That isolation has given me problems. I was paranoid before all the drugs, but now it's worse. I only really leave my house to go to work, because when I got outside, I feel like I'm being followed; I feel like I'm being watched. But there's no one there..... If I had to give my problem a name, I'd call it Paranoid Anxiety. My paranoia gets so bad to the point where it induces an anxiety attack, but I was doing research and apparently anxiety induces paranoia....... I just can't seem to ever catch a break; I already have a multitude of issues and I don't understand why bad shit keeps happening to me. I want to go to a shrink to get medication to make everything go away, but I want to go for entirely the wrong reasons I think. Regardless of the reasons, I'm scared to go. Scared to talk to anyone. I'm 21 and I still feel like a child. My pcp gave me samples of Lexapro which is generally for General Anxiety Disorder and/or Major Depressive Disorder because I was going through a lot of stuff around Christmas, and it made me numb to everything. It put a ceiling on my emotions, and I've read that most people don't like that, but for how weird I am, I loved it. It stopped working after awhile so I stopped taking it. As weird as people may think I am, I've never told anyone, but I would love to be a sociopath....lol....not for the hurting animals part though. (Cuz I'd love for that to get around to everyone) You'd have to understand my history to understand where I'm coming from in all this, but that's incredibly long (longer than this post) and I don't feel like getting into that much detail at the moment, as if I haven't already said enough lol.
I just don't know what to do with my life. I have no drive anymore. I have no interests anymore. I just don't know. I'm scared to end up like my parents and my friends; a family of corpses. Someone asked me what my goals in life were. I responded as follows: 1. To never die. 2. To have children. 3. To give my children everything I never had and then some. 4. To make sure my children don't end up like me. 5. For someone to love me. For some reason, I don't think any of those is going to come true for me, and as I said before......... I just don't know about anything anymore..........