I just don't get it.

[BrokedownPalace]

This is long, skip towards the end if you don't feel like reading, though i'd appreciate it if you did. I am just so jumbled and crumbled right now I don't know what to do.

I know, [name omitted] . I wholeheartedly agree with basically everything you have said. And believe me, I am fully aware the potential to crash and burn due to PAWS is an extreme likelihood. I am looking forwards to getting back to work/school, and ideally get away from New Jersey. To be quite honest all I really want to do is make my Mom proud of me for something. When I was 16 I was an all-state baseball player with potential to play baseball anywhere I wanted. But then due to a whole slew of various things occured in a short time frame which led to the beginning of my demise. Now six years later I am a fucking worthless strung out ex-junkie on methadone. Barely staying afloat, slowly drowning as the days go by. My mom is getting older too, and no doubt the stress I have put on her, especailly after my dad died (which is when my heroin use turned into a full blown addiction) has taken a toll on her. And it is all my fault. Sometimes I just get so depressed and feel so fucking guilty for what I have done and put my mom through.

Right now I am just in tears taking a bunch of methadone and klonopin making things not any better.

I am just so sick of this life, man. I want my old life back. I don't blame others, it was certainly my own doing. My environment as a child certainly contributed, as did a number of other things.. I have my goal in sight, I dream about it every night. I have all the potential in the world, and am a very intelligent person. I just have a huge gorilla on my back that is eating my brain and sometimes I just feel like the gorilla will win.

I just want to get rid of fucking opiates. These mother fucking opiates. when in the beginning were so helpful and helped my mental ailments. Now have just shoved me even further down the wormhole.

I'm just so sick and tired of being sick and tired.. Other than the positive work I do on bluelight, helping people get their lives back together and helping them avoid the mistakes I made.. I have done nothing in my life. Why can't there be someone.. anyone.. some stranger even.. that comes up to me on the street and says ,"Hey. come with me. I am going to help you. I have what you need."

Where is my guardian angel?

There have been so many times where I should have been dead. I bet I couldn't die if I tried. I used to think that that meant that I have some greater purpose on this earth. Lately I have been thinking that the reason I haven't died before, is because the reality that I see.. My perceived dream of life that I wander through each day.. must be purgatory, from a past life. A never ending cycle of anything and everything which will repeat and repeat, and until that one time I FINALLY GET IT RIGHT. And can then travel onwards towards the light. Back out of this constant doom and gloom and back out into the green green grass and blue skies and yellow suns and smiling faces and the "Lovely day, eh Mike?"s and the "I love you sweetheart"s..

I just don't get it. But then again if I 'got' it, what is it that I would get? A one way ticket back to nowhere land, a train ticket to the mountains, or a canoe ride to the mouth of the river, waiting to swallow me up yet again? And again?

 

[caffeine_voices]

You know sometimes we all get caught up in the things that we are use to. Wake up every day, run the same schedule whether it's work school or just doing absolutely nothing. The highs are an escape from reality, but what is reality really? In my opinion it's not something anyone else can tell you, but its something you learn about on your own based on the choices you make.

I'm sure it's redundant to hear, but you can make your own reality and the real problem is that it's so hard for us to embrace such a change. We always think we've fucked things up beyond resolution. Well it's never too late. Everything changes with time, you just have to make the choice to change. Take it one step at a time. Start with the little things that you can easily change. Get a few "wins" per say in those ways, whatever they may be. The little positives that you get will start to add up over time and you will realize you are starting to live in a new reality.

I've been away from this site for quite a while now and just recently came back. I'm not the same person I was before in many ways... but the core values that have always been there never left. You remember the days when you were younger and great things were happening and many of us long for that time again, but why look at the past? Start looking to the future, because THAT is something you can control.

Keep sticking it out. Make the small changes that you can make, but most importantly when you are ready.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

You dug your own grave. You can either lie in it, or get out. All it takes is some faith and will-power. You have it in you to turn your life around. Turn it around before it's too late.. and it's not too late now. In fact, now is the perfect time. Get off the drugs. You give advice every day to other people how to get off drugs. Take your own advice. You have the knowledge, you just need to turn it into action. It's not too late to make your mom proud. It's never too late, just the sooner the better. You know what you need to do. =]

Stay strong bud! You can do itttttttttt. :3

 

[Captain.Heroin]

There have been so many times where I should have been dead. I bet I couldn't die if I tried.

And what if you try and don't die, only to die when you try to live? It would be cruel and ironic.

I have had thoughts like this before, including the belief that the only reason god keeps me alive is to continue tormenting me.

However it isn't productive to think this way as these theories cannot be verified or not, unfortunately.

I used to think that that meant that I have some greater purpose on this earth. Lately I have been thinking that the reason I haven't died before, is because the reality that I see.. My perceived dream of life that I wander through each day.. must be purgatory, from a past life. A never ending cycle of anything and everything which will repeat and repeat, and until that one time I FINALLY GET IT RIGHT. And can then travel onwards towards the light. Back out of this constant doom and gloom and back out into the green green grass and blue skies and yellow suns and smiling faces...

I have also had troubling thoughts while on a quarter ounce of mushrooms in the past, along the lines of that my entire life has already played out and I am just continuing to experience my life ultimately an infinite number of times through. It was terrifying to think about as it seemed so real at the time.

I also remember experiencing fragments of past lives, as if I was still living in them as well.

It was all very terrifying. I remember being really relieved when this trip ended for me.

All I could take out of this was that my life will be over one day and I won't have to endlessly worry about never getting to live in another life beyond this one.

 

[80mg]

Ya know...Im in a similar spot.

I will admit your addiction may be a tad bit worst than mine. But I still shoot up atleast once every other week and theres not a DAY that goes by that I cant have opiates.

It sounds a bit like throwing in the towel...but I've accepted opiates as a part of my life and just live life with them. I mean think about it. Okay you get COMPLETLEY clean and sobure. No domes, subs, anything. But you have to spend the rest of your life trying to avoid old habbits, going to meetings, rhinking about opiates....ultimatley opiates STILL run your life. Once you cross that line to HXC addict you are a slave to the opiate. But you can intergrate it in your life and reduce your use. I use to do aabout two bundles a day and go through god only knows how many bags of needles. Now, I take .5mg of suboxone daily and when I do "bang" it's only every two weeks, sometimes every month, so my veins can heal and I dont waste every dollar on my habbit.

My suggestion to you buddy...get on the suboxone program. The withdrawls are gonna blow but subs compared to methadone is like beer compared to bacardi 151. Im more energetic, alert, brighter, you name it.

Keep taking the kpins. They are a life saver when reducing dose or switching from dones to bupe. When I recentley cut my dose from 1mg to .5mg believe it or not it was a big diffrence on my body. Yawning, aches, shivering and those fucking dreams. I used this to help with my withdrawl.

-Benedryl. Its probabley one of the most underated sedatives out there. Take 1 while withdrawing (or 2 if needed) and youll be sedate, and stop yawning.
-Xanax 2 mg - Everyones dose is diffrent. This should be used with your kpin during your switch over phase. Itll reduce the short term extreme stress.
- Kpins - I also suffer from Anti Social Personality Disorder. Kpins are a life saver for me. I have to buy em off the streets cause my doctor is a cunt and wont listen to the fact I know whats good for me so yeah. Luckly you dont have that
- Immodium - For dirreah
- Stay Hydrated!

I hope you take my advice and god bless you and your mother and Im sure your father is looking down apon you. God helps those who helps themselves

-80mg

 

[BrokedownPalace]

God I forgot I even posted this thread.. I'll admit I am a different person now, a few months later. I'm off of methadone for good. I found a great girlfriend, moved out of my mom's house. Looking for job because collecting disability is getting fucking boring.

Now the only problem is I fucking managed to get another heroin habit. Albeit a small one, only for the past few weeks, and not IVing it. I really need to nip this in the bud.

I konw I have teh knowledge and power to do it. I just need to fucking do it. Plain and simple.

I just feel like sometimes I'll do something great, and make people proud. And then one dumb decision just leads be back to the same dark place I feel like I cannot escape..

Black clouds, covering up the valley; Black clouds, coverin' up the hills.

I hope I can escape this dark cloud one day. I'd get on sub maintenence if I could afford it, but I cannot.

I just want my old life back. But someties I feel like life without opiates is just not manageable.

GAH !

But I thank you all you responded, I really appreciated the support and advice. Cheers ! Without this site and the friends I have made on here I am sure I would be dead.

 

[cire113]

^^^^ honestly dude you what 22? .. there is still hope..

I would seriously get on BUPE and stay on it as long as you feel there is a danger of relapsing... Its what im doing and my life has gotten alot better... Bupe is way cleaner/ better than methadone fuck that shit..

But if its a choice between living a normal life and taking bupe everyday versus shooing dope/ relapsing .. trying to be sober etc endless cycle of opiate bull shit... i choose bupe...

And fuck i dont feel guilty taking bupe everday it saved my life,

my point is get off the heroin/shooting its bad news if you were a real addict you know this will soon spiral out of control who wants to live like that...

Shit i just read you cant afford bupe... i would exhaust all your options and even look at the patient assistance program... there is generic subutex now also

 

[Droppersneck]

I think the majority of the time the most depressed people are the intelligent ones. Sometimes I think I should do a bunch of air duster so I can be dim witted like the majority of the north eastern voting public!
But on a very serious note I have no idea how to get rid of opiate addiction b/c our situations are very similar. Going to the jim seems to be one of the few things that helps me.

 

[Wolfmans_BrothEr]

I know how the regret feels of the shit you've done to your family. I've learned its much more important if you learn from those mistakes. Your mom won't even think twice about the shit in the past if shes proud of the person you turn into.

I'm 21 and I used to think the only chance I had a productive life would be the military. But they didn't take me so I decided to start attending community college, which has helped me to see I still have a shot a future if I actually want it. There are people older than me who go to my school and I know if I work hard and keep my GPA up I can transfer to a good school.

Since were close to eachother I know that you can easily go to union county college, which is the best in the state. Or morris county college which is also good. There's a lot you can do for your future, you just need to get out of the past. We all fuck up, big time, but what defines us as a person is how you handle that situation. Chalk it up to a learning experience, because that's what it is.

With every door that closes 2 open