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I just can not do it anymore

P

psilocybin420

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 19, 2007
Messages
117
I have done my absolute best to stay alive. I was stupid and did alot of psychedelics when I was younger. I had gotten off the drugs at 19, for 3 months had a job and was doing well. Then some jerk, who i should have been avoiding, talks me into dropping acid. Before this trip I had little to no mental problems, but it acted as a trigger and now battle with severe mental illness every day of my life, along with chronic pain up my spine.

I take methadone daily and valium, which is a bandaid. The pain in my back may be in my head, but it shoot down my spine and up and down and up, to where i am bed ridden. I dont feel loved in the slightest. There is a Bridge that I want to jump off. I have not planned it. I would take the bus there and just jump. I was so stupid, one day i took the bus there and decided to keep living. this choice to live seems as pointless as the pain that surrounds me.

I just dont know what to do. I do my best to be nice to my hardcore religious cracknut dad, who is always yelling at me and shoving religion down my throat, going on about the end of the world. I feel so overwhelmed and sad. I dont want to die by my own hand. But my coping skills dealing with the pain on a day to day basis are starting to wear thin. i look in the mirror and feel lost and sad. I keep thinking maybe I should hoof it, get a bag of clothes and leave to florida or something, some nice place to be homeless. Life is in the pits. I dont drink or smoke, but i feel this force literally shoving me off the edge. I understand suicide now, something that long seemed a mystery to me in my teenage years. I am 27.

Please no responses like (do it, or jump or something like that as its not helpful) but a bit of sympathy would make me feel better, or others who deal with the same thing sharing stories, etc.
 
i've been in pain and having been schizo, bipolar, panic disorder for over 9 years and i sometimes feel like i'm at the end of my rope but there is always a way out other than killing yourself
 
I have a lot of sympathy for how you are feeling, OP. I can't imagine that your Dad is helping too much right now. Is there any way for you to have some space from that? Are you getting any help for your illness? Feeling overwhelmed by sadness is a completely sane response sometimes. There is a lot of sadness everywhere you turn. But realizing that you can have peace in your head even in the midst of all the suffering and stress is liberating. I know that when I was younger I never thought I would be able to feel at peace in myself but somehow it happened. Change is the natural way of life. I hope that you will regain some strength and your burdens won't feel so eternal.<3
 
OP you should get your stuff together and get out of there. It will change your perspective and you can get away from that religious craziness from your dad. You're my age and getting my own place/life made a huge difference for my mental health.
 
Your right I need to get the hell away from my dad, he most likely means well but is not helping. My parents don't understand mental illness in the slightest, anyway I really appreciate everyone's support, and kind words. When I say I'm thinking about hoofing it im completely downright serious. Also when I say im at the end of my rope and I feel this unimaginable void in my life that needs to be filled i really mean it.

I think that sometimes people don't always take someones thoughts seriously or see them at face value, but the truth is that life is hard, and sometimes really sucks. I do need to get the fuck out of here and find my own peace of mind for once, so, hoof it to florida? Give life one last chance? Hoof it to somewhere more liberal than idaho? Or go through with self destructive thoughts in a way to end the pain and find peace? I dont have any answers but pray that if there is some sort of higher power, looking over me than now would be a nice time for a little help.

sorry to rant and rave
much love
daniel
 
Hey Daniel,

Florida or wherever. Whatever feels right. Maybe that's just a friend's house or aiming for your own place. A change in scenery of course doesn't solve problems, but it generally doesn't hurt either and it sounds like you could maybe use a completely fresh start. Whether you choose to stay or leave for somewhere new I wish you the best.
 
Again, a view from a medical professional
The dark side page is dangerous. Whilst working in Hull, there was an NHS psych service run "cafe" where all the severely depressed patients would meet for discussion in an attempt to relieve suicidal ideations. What actually sufficed was the sharing of ideas on how to commit suicide in an unmediated forum. Unsurprisingly, suicide rates rose shortly after the schemes introduction. There is nothing more dangerous than the unhinged offering advice ... of any sorts!

Any validity to that at all? Interested. The guy has worked with addicts and is now a top surgeon so he knows his stuff. Yes there are mods but what about PMs?
 
I disagree with everyone saying to avoid your "crackpot" religious Dad. He is trying to help you, we 'addicts' suffer from a spiritual problem and it wasn't until I had a spiritual awakening (they talk about this in AA) that I was able to stay sober and clear the wreckage of my past. I had parents always trying to cram Christianity down my throat and I hated it just like you. But then I read a book "the screwtape lettters" by c.s. lewis and it explained exactly how I had been feeling for years and why I was depressed and hopeless all the time. I was cut off from the sunlight of the spirit (God). If your an athiest, well, so be it. But if your an agnostic and believe there is a God I highly encourage you to investigate more personally into it. I've found amazing grace, peace, and my lifes purpose through a personal relationship with my higher power, but before I found that I too had to wander in the dark... going this way and that, completely lost. If your at the point of jumping off bridges, what do you have to lose?
 
yea true that, I saw the screwtape letters while i was out today and almost bought it. The last book I read was a week ago, I read Swan Song by Robert McCammon. It was a great read. But my soul feels this void. I feel like I have to find out for myself that there is some higher power, otherwise I feel like there is no point. Im an extremely sensitive and soft spoken individual, but I just feel like I have to know. Because to me at this point without a higher power I feel like what is the point? No I consider myself agnostic , but im not apathetic agnostic. Im more of a searching Agnostic, looking for peace and have to find truth and balance. Im a libra, maybe it has something to do with that? Someone told me libras search for truth and need balance, and that is me. Thanks for your helpful posts.
 
captaincaveman said:
Again, a view from a medical professional
The dark side page is dangerous. Whilst working in Hull, there was an NHS psych service run "cafe" where all the severely depressed patients would meet for discussion in an attempt to relieve suicidal ideations. What actually sufficed was the sharing of ideas on how to commit suicide in an unmediated forum. Unsurprisingly, suicide rates rose shortly after the schemes introduction. There is nothing more dangerous than the unhinged offering advice ... of any sorts!

Any validity to that at all? Interested. The guy has worked with addicts and is now a top surgeon so he knows his stuff. Yes there are mods but what about PMs?
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I agree with you to an extent, there are suicide forums and such where people share idea's and methods, but I havent noticed that in bluelight. Theres plenty of places to search for methods, and thats not why i came to bluelight. But I do apprieciate your concern. And I will take your advice, about where I post and whatnot. I came here looking for ideas on how to keep going on, today hasnt been bad. But yes i have grown desperate.

There is a definite link between mental illness and suicide obviously, and I think its horrible that people would offer methods to people or try and futher push them to that point. These people need love and care, not someone offering them ways to end their life.

And the amount of desperation it takes to go through with the act, is overwhelming. I can see how these people feel.
 
you have my sympathy, i've had some pretty bad times recently, you can tell yourself that if things are really bad that they can only really get better from now on. Do you live alone or with familly or gf/wife, i don't understand why you would "want" to be homeless, surely that would exacerbate your situation.

you may not want to hear but from a practical standpoint have you tried anti-depressants? you seem like you've been depressed since this acid thing... also would you consider the acid trip as a traumatic event, that may be something to work on in therapy, speaking of which, therapy can be a tool for recovery.
 
First off dude, I feel your pain.

I struggled with bipolar disorder and anxiety issues all through my teen years then decided to play with fire and delve quite deeply into shrooms, which were equally addicting and disturbing for me. I was 18 then, and I too have larger issues today than I did before I used these drugs.

Complete and utter sobriety has helped to let me know that I'm living the solution. When I make it a point to eat right and work out I feel much better and more centered. Na meetings Keep me involved in a community of people similar to me, and things like having a job, a car, and buying my own food do wonders for my self-esteem. Meditation and raspberry tea work miracles on Long days, and living alone takes away the stresses of living with family.

Living simply has been a huge relief.

Feel free to send me a pm, and I wish you the best of luck.
 
The Dark Side is not a forum where people discuss suicide and how terrible their lives are and how they should just end it all. TDS is filled with supportive, down to earth and caring people. If it weren't for this forum i probably would have killed myself. There is so much support here and so many knowledgeable people that to say this place is bad is completely wrong.
 
OP, I'm not quite understanding how LSD triggered all of this stuff in your life. Are you sure it was the drug?

It's my understanding that LSD is non-toxic and although it can trigger episodes of mental illness in those predisposed, it is not the root cause of those illnesses.

I'd like to hear more from you on this because my curiosity is peaked.

All the best to you.
 
Psycilocybn be glad friend, there is a higher power who knows you and loves you. God didn't want me to try and escape reality and find enlightenment through drugs because it never lasted and shut me off from the sunlight of the spirit. True enlightenment comes during sobriety (clear-headed) and is long-lasting. I won't push you to give your life to Jesus Christ, because that would ave never worked for me either when I was defensive about my drug use and being agnostic. All I will say is what worked for me, which was, reading the screwtape letters from start to finish, and experiencing a spiritual awakening to the truth of life and our universe. All my depression, hopelessness, and discontent with everything finally made sense. I finally found the answer I was searching for and it didn't come in the form of a drug. It came in the form of an idea. It's great that your open minded enough to entertain the thought of a higher power (God), so I would encourage you to get your hands on that book because I think it will change your life. Mid-way through that book I discovered the truth about life and mortality, everything clicked, and I made a conscious decision to serve my higher power in as many ways as humanly possible. I humbled myself and admitted to God that I was lost and couldn't make it through life on my own. Proverbs 3:34 "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." If you think you are beyond God's help you are wrong. If you think you've done and said things that make it impossible to find God's love, you are wrong.

God is a mighty redeemer and looks for broken lives to rebuild for his glory, and if you will receive his help your life will be filled with a new peace, love, and contentedness like you have never known. Seek your higher power my friend, only he was able to stop me from putting a needle in my arm and slowly drinking myself to death. Now I put God, sobriety, and others before myself on a daily basis and low and behold I have long lasting happiness and satisfaction. Before I always put myself first and it was all about what I could get before I died. It was a frantic uncomfortable and depressing existence.
 
great post man. i second everything. good luck you to, OP. I too understand how bad things can get wher you start entertaining the idea of suicide. but try to avoid those negative thoughts. i believe we are all special, and are all gods ourselves. what does god do? he creates and loves. we are all creaters in this universe, and when you find that love, that is true bliss, my friend. better than any drug.

Get2Think said:
Psycilocybn be glad friend, there is a higher power who knows you and loves you. God didn't want me to try and escape reality and find enlightenment through drugs because it never lasted and shut me off from the sunlight of the spirit. True enlightenment comes during sobriety (clear-headed) and is long-lasting. I won't push you to give your life to Jesus Christ, because that would ave never worked for me either when I was defensive about my drug use and being agnostic. All I will say is what worked for me, which was, reading the screwtape letters from start to finish, and experiencing a spiritual awakening to the truth of life and our universe. All my depression, hopelessness, and discontent with everything finally made sense. I finally found the answer I was searching for and it didn't come in the form of a drug. It came in the form of an idea. It's great that your open minded enough to entertain the thought of a higher power (God), so I would encourage you to get your hands on that book because I think it will change your life. Mid-way through that book I discovered the truth about life and mortality, everything clicked, and I made a conscious decision to serve my higher power in as many ways as humanly possible. I humbled myself and admitted to God that I was lost and couldn't make it through life on my own. Proverbs 3:34 "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." If you think you are beyond God's help you are wrong. If you think you've done and said things that make it impossible to find God's love, you are wrong.

God is a mighty redeemer and looks for broken lives to rebuild for his glory, and if you will receive his help your life will be filled with a new peace, love, and contentedness like you have never known. Seek your higher power my friend, only he was able to stop me from putting a needle in my arm and slowly drinking myself to death. Now I put God, sobriety, and others before myself on a daily basis and low and behold I have long lasting happiness and satisfaction. Before I always put myself first and it was all about what I could get before I died. It was a frantic uncomfortable and depressing existence.
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